Love Thy Neighbor

Ok, can I just be frank today. I don’t think my neighbor likes me. Ok, let me interject……I AM NOT so into myself that my self-esteem gets a high off of the shallow thought that people don’t like me because they are jealous or envious of something I have or possess. NOT THE CASE AT ALL. I actually despise that inferior behavior whether in someone else or even when it tries to creep up on me--lol. So not the case here. But really, I don’t think my neighbor likes me.

Oh, don’t get it twisted……I’m not the type of person who sits around worrying and wondering why (or if) people will (or will not) accept me. I mean, I luuuv being me. And if you don’t love me its ok cause I have enough of the love of God in me to cover that. But every now and again, I will feel something in my Spirit that will concern me. Its funny cause I hear quite often that--lol......you either love Jill or you hate her. I can understand why. I mean, I’m real to the core and I have an opinion and will express it if given the opportunity. And that may not go over with everybody. Oh, well. It’s not for me to choose what side you’d rather sit on, but I will tell you this……my love is authentic, and I love to love people.

But although I’m a people person by nature, I have a NO TOLERANCE policy. Ok, ok…..this is one of the areas that the Lord is dealing with me in. See, its not hard for me to walk away from a situation (or a person) that I feel is stifling my growth or trying to interrupt my Spirit--whether intentionally or unintentionally. In fact, it’s a feeling of freedom for me to just walk away. But walking away is not always the “solution”. And being in a situation, whether I like it or not, I’m understanding is not always about me. So I’m learning how to stand still. And it’s not easy.

It’s not easy for me to have discomfort in my personal space. That’s why I do the whole "flee" thing. I think it has a lot to do with my upbringing, how I was raised. See, I come from a really close family who are really co-dependent on each other. Ok, we’re learning how to grow out of that too, lol, for we are taught that we can only depend fully on the Lord---thank God for family though. But when I was a child, my bedroom slept four of us. And two of us in the same bed. Though I had my own space on the wall to hang my own little posters, and my own dresser drawer to hide my stuff, I had no privacy. As I grew older, gaining my solitude was one of my greatest gifts. And so I cherish it. So much so that the outside world can be in such chaos, but in my little world I am not moved. Cause I have the peace of God in me. And so I love being in and around me.

Ok, so maybe that’s why my neighbor doesn’t like me. Cause she sees the peace of God on me. Or maybe it is something as shallow as the type of car I drive. Maybe she’s judging me by that. For some reason I like parking next to her car cause it feels safe. I know she’s careful with her car and so I feel that she’s not gonna haphazardly abuse my car. I don’t know, maybe it is the car thing. I mean, I’m not always dressed to the nines. In fact, most of the times she sees me I am in jeans with my hair pulled back in a ponytail. So it can’t be the appearance thing. Maybe it baffles her of what I do for a living. I mean, because I don’t talk to a lot of folk very few know what I do. I mean, last year I traveled constantly, but this year it has slowed down tremendously. Maybe she thinks like those three flight attendants thought on that one United flight......"you are the one from the Secret Service aren't you"--lolol. I don’t know. Maybe she’s upset that she can’t figure me out, and a little bothered that I don’t initiate conversation more than a “good morning”. I don’t know.

But over the last few months, my antennas have gone up. You see my neighbor in question, “Ms. Loretta”, is an older Black woman who seems to be highly respected by the neighbors in my ENTIRE community (a community of predominately White, middle-class people….hmmm). Ok, I may be into my own little surroundings, but I do see lots of the neighbors flocking to Ms. Loretta in conversation. But I’m never invited. I mean, its ok by me. But it does surprises me since she and I are the only Blacks in our building. Not that its a color thing with me because I do walk in colorblindness, but it does make me wonder.

One day I was standing at the bus stop having small talk with a fellow passenger and she says to me…… “Oh, you’re blessed to be living in the same building with Ms. Loretta’s.” I’m like…..who is Ms. Loretta????? And then, one day my neighbor directly across the hall from me says…….. “If Ms. Loretta ever leaves then I’m surly selling”. So my antennas have been up ever since. I mean, maybe Ms. Loretta has a big voice at the neighbor meetings that I never attend. I mean, how do all these people have a relationship with her and I live in her building and don't even know her name???? I mean, its known discrimination all over the country when you rent a private property as oppose to buying it. But everyone else in the building got the letter back in 2005 and welcomed me as the "newest homeowner" with beautiful holiday cards. I mean, did Ms. Loretta overlook her letter and thinks that I'm just another temporary renter???? Ugh......how mean.

A couple of days ago, I was coming in the building and Ms. Loretta was checking her mail. I said another cheerful…..Good Morning. But Ms. Loretta gave me a very short, cold response. I walked away thinking……I tried to be a friendly neighbor and that’s all I can do. I mean, I’m not here to be liked, I pay mortgage and condo fees just like the rest, and so I have every right to this property as anybody else……INCLUDING MS. LORETTA!!!!

But today something changed. And I’m a little burdened.

As I was on my way out to do my Saturday shop-hop, I heard something unusual. I had just stepped on the bottom step just before exiting my building and I heard this loud roar of praise. I mean, it was a strong praise of two or three people who are obviously passionate about the Lord. Tongues were in full use, and cries of thanksgiving were high. I had imagined that the two or three were stretched on the floor cause it was very intimate, but loud. And so I stood still and listened for a few minutes. And then I took two extra steps down towards the sound, passing my exit. And I discovered that the sound was coming from Ms. Loretta’s unit. I was shocked. I thought..........Ms. Loretta has a relationship with the Lord like that!!!! Wow!!!

And then I felt a little abandoned. Cause I wanted to be down there with Ms. Loretta praising the Lord on a beautiful Saturday morning with other believers, too. And at that moment I wanted Ms. Loretta to accept me.

As I rode to my destination, I kept wondering……what have I done to Ms. Loretta for her not to like me. I mean, although I’m not married, I don’t live a bachelorette lifestyle. For the most, I'm alone. I mean, she could have only seen me with one man since I’ve lived here for the last 2 ½ years. And now that I think about it…..I have NEVER seen her while with him. I mean, she may have seen his car--which could have raised a brow or both--but he’s a hard working man who makes an honest living as well. And if there were any run-ins he would have told me. Plus, none of my friends, or family, are unruly and disrespectful. If there was a run-in, like me, it had to be something that really really pushed his buttons. But I doubt anything like that occured with any of my loved ones or visitors.

This just reminds me of my old neighbor when I was living in PG. She was older too, and we just so happened to go to the same church. Our neighborly friendship was great until she complained that [me and me ex-boyfriend] kept her up all night one night and she wasn’t pleased by what she heard. For months I walked around embarrassed and shameful. And although for years it was an ongoing, hilarious topic of conversation between me and my girlfriends, inside I felt bad. Especially since my neighbor never treated me the same after that. But then I moved.

But that’s not the case here at all. Deliverance has come since then--lol. But now that I know Ms. Loretta is a devout Christian, could she be thinking that? Could she be thinking that the handsome young man with the strong back is the "maintenance man". Heck…….he could be my BROTHER. Or COUSIN. Sure, gotta enough of those. But she couldn’t have heard anything because other than the fact that there is a unit between us……..I’m preserving myself for MY HUSBAND. But I mean, that’s none of her business anyways. She doesn’t know me like that. How can she judge me. The most Ms. Loretta’s seen is me struggling out my car with grocery bags. I’m not a noisy neighbor. I work hard for everything I have. And I certainly don’t wear bling bling in my character. So I’m a little baffled. Or should I say concerned. I don’t know. All I know is that I’m only accountable for me and my own actions and reactions. And I can only answer to God.

The Promise

What an interesting week I’m having. Don’t want to call it anything else but…….interesting. The funny thing is that I can’t even tell you what is really wrong with me—cause I’m not too sure. And what’s more interesting is that I’ve noticed that every time I accomplish a “big” task I fall into a “what’s next” mode. Like when I graduated from undergrad and grad schools. I was so depressed and in the slumps after both of those significant events. I dread thinking that I’ll feel this way the day after my wedding. So, I’m binding that familiar spirit now.

But, I’ve been doing this major reorganizing project in my home all summer---well, at least for the last two months---and it’s kept me quite busy. You know, driving towards my goal of clutter-free living. I’ve been in my home for 2 ½ years and when I decided to move back in late 2005, it was sorta abrupt. It wasn’t in my immediate plans to purchase a home since I was very comfortable paying my little $820 a month rent, but because I’m so into the real estate business I caught the “purchase now/good deal” bug in mid-October and by the end of November I was moving. Soooo, saying that, I really kinda just packed everything up in boxes without sorting and tossing, and just moved. All of 2006, I was constantly busy selling real estate and adjusting to being a homeowner, so I lived out of my boxes for months. And all of 2007, I spent constantly traveling with my full-time gig living out of suitcases.

My "crowded" lifestyle finally came to a head in about May of this year. So I committed to making it a priority of reorganizing and throwing away/giving away stuff by the end of this summer. This past weekend, I completed my project. Now what? I mean, I can’t really compare this feeling to the feeling of graduating, but the feeling of closure and thinking about the next phase of anything without being actively doing SOMETHING are both coming from the same emotion. I’m one that has to be constantly in motion---mind, body, and soul. When one door closes, I have to be walking into another, immediately. If not, I fall into this weird in-between space.

So I think I was falling in that space this week. If I could sum it up…….its like being worn out with the stresses of the unknown future and trying to escape to the present from those stressful thoughts, but the present has nothing exciting to escape to because all the excitement ended. All summer I’ve been wrapped up in the talks, thoughts, and possibilities of the future with [my friend], and so being busy with my home project was a nice escape from that. You know, enjoying the now. But then the “now” ended. I know, I know…..it’s not suppose to make sense cause it’s a trick of the mind. The sad part is that MANY people live in this “place” daily. And I imagine that some like it because it shuts them out from the world. It's darkness. And it’s a slow death. And its so easy to get stuck there. I think that’s why its said that a lot of people die once they retire. It’s unproductiveness not just in the body, but in the mind. And I think that’s why a lot of people resort to working for their church once they retire, because they feel their mind, body, and SOULS are continuously being replenished. I don’t really know. All I know is that this unproductive feeling ain’t for the kid. And I pray for all of those folks who can sit at home and do nothing with their lives and be content living in a death trap.

So I was home from work for two days…..sick. Sick from the weirdness and miserable. I didn't want to go to work, but I was going crazy being at home. Just plain weirdness. I think the weirdness started right after I completed my reorganizing project on Saturday. I was so worn out---mentally and physically. On Sunday, I pulled myself together and got up and went to church. The message was right on target----Worshiping False Gods (this is another entry for perhaps the future—see I can’t help it, lol). Anyway, I came home, ate a good dinner, chatted on the phone for a while, but then started to feel a little depressed about starting my work week. And then on Monday……I started spiraling down. Everything ached. And I NEVER get headaches, but my head was throbbing. By Tuesday, I was ok but didn’t have any motivation to go to work. By Tuesday night………it felt like I was having a nervous breakdown. According to the stories of loved ones who’ve gone through a nervous breakdown I know that I wasn’t having one, but I felt very close to it.

I returned to work yesterday. But I was unlike myself. I was like a functioning alcoholic. My body was at work, but my mind was somewhere else. In times like these, the only thing I can do is meditate on the Word. I had spoken to my girlfriend, Elizabeth and she revealed that the reason why she was out last week was because she was experiencing the same feelings. And so I breathed. I braced myself and started pumping the Word in me throughout the day. I knew that the Word would give me answers and pull me together.

And then I thought about the promise.

Though we are troubled on every side, yet not distressed; we are perplexed, but not in despair; persecuted, but not forsaken; cast down, but not destroyed….. --2 Corinthians 7-9

I kept thinking that although I’m knocked down……I’m not knocked out. Cause His promise is that even in our weakest times He will NEVER leave us. And so with none other than the Lord’s Power I got up. And with the Lord’s guidance, I got through my day yesterday cause I had a will to live. When I got home, my head was still throbbing as I watched the DNC. As soon as I turned out the light I went into an unusual praise----just thanking God for healing. Although I was still physically hurting, I knew I was healed. This morning, I turned on the television and ironically there was an unfamiliar preacher speaking about healing and guess what……….the verse he kept referencing was 2 Corinthians 7!!!!! I knew the Lord was speaking directly to me. Even up to writing this entry, I am still pumping God’s Word in me because it’s the only thing that’s timeless.

Trial and Torture

I feel sooo led to share God’s complete Word today as detailed in “The Message” by BibleGateway.

Since God has so generously let us in on what he is doing, we're not about to throw up our hands and walk off the job just because we run into occasional hard times. We refuse to wear masks and play games. We don't maneuver and manipulate behind the scenes. And we don't twist God's Word to suit ourselves. Rather, we keep everything we do and say out in the open, the whole truth on display, so that those who want to can see and judge for themselves in the presence of God.

If our Message is obscure to anyone, it's not because we're holding back in any way. No, it's because these other people are looking or going the wrong way and refuse to give it serious attention. All they have eyes for is the fashionable god of darkness. They think he can give them what they want, and that they won't have to bother believing a Truth they can't see. They're stone-blind to the dayspring brightness of the Message that shines with Christ, who gives us the best picture of God we'll ever get.

Remember, our Message is not about ourselves; we're proclaiming Jesus Christ, the Master. All we are is messengers, errand runners from Jesus for you. It started when God said, "Light up the darkness!" and our lives filled up with light as we saw and understood God in the face of Christ, all bright and beautiful.

If you only look at us, you might well miss the brightness. We carry this precious Message around in the unadorned clay pots of our ordinary lives. That's to prevent anyone from confusing God's incomparable power with us. As it is, there's not much chance of that. You know for yourselves that we're not much to look at. We've been surrounded and battered by troubles, but we're not demoralized; we're not sure what to do, but we know that God knows what to do; we've been spiritually terrorized, but God hasn't left our side; we've been thrown down, but we haven't broken. What they did to Jesus, they do to us—trial and torture, mockery and murder; what Jesus did among them, he does in us—he lives! Our lives are at constant risk for Jesus' sake, which makes Jesus' life all the more evident in us. While we're going through the worst, you're getting in on the best!

We're not keeping this quiet, not on your life. Just like the psalmist who wrote, "I believed it, so I said it," we say what we believe. And what we believe is that the One who raised up the Master Jesus will just as certainly raise us up with you, alive. Every detail works to your advantage and to God's glory: more and more grace, more and more people, more and more praise!

So we're not giving up. How could we! Even though on the outside it often looks like things are falling apart on us, on the inside, where God is making new life, not a day goes by without his unfolding grace. These hard times are small potatoes compared to the coming good times, the lavish celebration prepared for us. There's far more here than meets the eye. The things we see now are here today, gone tomorrow. But the things we can't see now will last forever. -- 2 Corinthians 4

Michelle Is Right

It’s time for change. I woke up yesterday with uhhhh the blues. Again, don’t really know why. I guess just because it was Monday and I was getting ready to fall back into the weekly routine rut. So I fought it. And I fought it bad. To the point where I got a headache and stomachache, and called in sick. I really was sick. No, really I was--lol. I mean I “is” sick cause I called in again this morning---lol. And no, no, no…..gotta be really sick to call in to work two days in a row. Especially with deadlines approaching.

I decided on Friday that I wasn't traveling to San Diego next week. I mean, I’d really love to go to see the grantees in action. Not to mention that I could use the getaway. And I actually learn a lot about marriage from these workshops---this one being on Marriage Mentoring. Shucks, I should have planned earlier. But San Diego really wasn’t in this year’s overall travel plans and you know me……I like to stick to the plan--lol. Good thing I’m not going……cause I just ain't got it in me to be planning for anything.

So yesterday I was home thinking about how tired I am of living in the future. Like I’m living in a dream. I mean everything I do, except for work, seems like its planning and preparation for the future. I can’t even buy a pair of shoes without thinking…… these will look cute with the so and so dress for Teesha’s wedding in October. And exercising. I mean, can I just get those banging, well-defined arms NOW. C’mon the summer is here NOW. Why is it the more I workout, the more it feels like future results. And we ain’t gonna talk about finances. I mean, I’m saving and saving and saving FOR WHAT????? I want sooo bad to go out TODAY and purchase that rustic orange, front-load washer and dryer set from Home Depot. But something in my head keeps saying……….it‘s not wise right now to spend $2,000 on appliances you don‘t need. I mean, they are my dream. Can’t one of my dreams come true today!!! Shucks, this living in a dream is wearing me out.

So I had a breakdown moment yesterday. I called my sister at work and just wailed. I just needed to express myself. I mean, constant concern about the nieces and nephews going to college. I said “going”---as in future. Cause ain’t none of them going to college this year. Shucks, one of them ain't even due to be born until October. That’s where my mind be. All in their future. And then my MUTHUR asking me what we should do for Thanksgiving. That’s in NOVEMBER, right???? Shucks, I don’t even have a house to hold all those folks. Why should my opinion matter. Just tell me where to be THAT WEEK and I’ll be there on THAT THURSDAY. I mean, its just me. Umph, speaking of "just me" I'm now reminded of how I would handle family holidays with my future family???? Umph. Moving on.

As I’m venting, my sister mentions that she wants the family to go with her to St. Louis for her 41st birthday. THAT’S IN JANUARY, 2009!!!!! Ooooookay. This ain't working. I need answers. I needed my sister to rub my hair and tell me it's gonna be ok. But she was busy running her business, trying to talk to me, and complaining about her back pain from Saturday's fender bender. But she did hear my cry, and tried her best to console me. But I knew I had to take my burdens to the Lord. I mean, its been a while when I just had a day where time stood still. Where I could just enjoy the moment without my mind wandering off to the future. So yesterday after hanging up with my sister I cried a little, took a nap, got up and cried a little more. Then I started preparing to watch the Democratic National Convention.

And then I was reminded.

As I watched the Kennedy clan, I was reminded that eight years ago I was the Special Assistant to the Honorable Eunice Kennedy Shriver. I had accepted a position that seemed to be so challenging for other candidates. But it came at ease to me because I was prepared. I had been mastering my skills since I was a high school sophomore. And so when the time came, I knew what to do. I knew how to manage an office. A public figure's office at that. Working for Mrs. Shriver was an awesome experience. In just a few short months I learned that money wasn’t meant to be a flashy, bragging tool. I learned how to rightly use celebrity status without abusing it. I learned the importance of the home and making it your own personal haven. I learned how to give to and support deserving causes. And I was reminded of the importance of family. When it was time for me to begin my graduate program at Trinity, Mrs. Shriver gave me her daughter’s book and wrote the following: “You will be successful at anything you choose to do because of your tenacity”. Over the years I had heard people relating me to the word t-e-n-a-c-i-t-y. But it wasn’t until recently that I understood tenacity to mean…..a fighter, relentless, and pursuing.

And then I was reminded again.

I was reminded by Mrs. Michelle Obama, Esq. Yes, yes.....our next first lady. Isn't she looovely, isn't she won-der-ful..........lol. That song was so appropriate for her. I'm really starting to admire smart, powerful women who gracefully and willing walks in submission to their husbands (ok, we really know who has the upper hand, right--lol). But her allegiance to her husband is soooo admirable. Anyway......Michelle reminded me that living in America is a dream. It’s a constant dream that can be achieved through planning and preparation. She simply said that every day we must continue to work hard and press towards our goals to get what we deserve out of this life….because the American Dream IS possible. She's living proof.

So, this morning when I woke up, after spending some time with the Lord, I decided that I was going to make some major changes. Immediately. That is......changing my mindset.

Ohhh to Suffer

Yesterday was the Saturday. The Saturday that me and my girlfriend “CeeCee” practiced our girl talk ritual. We simply picked up from our last conversation a month ago, and continued our talk for another four hours straight. This has been a routine for us since the beginning of the year.

I met CeeCee in high school back in 1987. We were instant friends, living just minutes apart outside of our school district. We had several classes together, but because we both rode public transportation we had even more time to develop our friendship. I loved CeeCee from the beginning. Very charismatic and free, but with an obvious naivety. Oh, and a preachers kid. Hmmm……. But after we graduated, CeeCee went away to college at Hampton U while I stayed “safely” at home to work for the federal government. That’s until I could figure out what I really wanted to do with my life--lol. From time to time, her parents would run into mine and I’d get a few updates. But me and CeeCee were on different paths, trying to pursue the American Dream on our own terms--I guess, lol.

One time my mom had saw CeeCee’s mom at a local restaurant and gave her the report that CeeCee had relocated to Boston to pursue a career in Education. When my mother gave me the report, back in the early 90s, I was sooo happy for her. But I started to reevaluate my life. I mean, me and CeeCee kinda grew up in the same dynamic. A good two-parent, Christian household in the middle of the 'hood. But grounded. I mean, we were both very street savvy, but we knew the consequences of right and wrong and so we lived our lives fully and accepted our circumstances with ease.

So I was confused.

Many times I’d asked myself…….why couldn’t you go off to college after high school and established a career? I mean, truthfully, I’d chosen to have a steady income from my good government job, rather than be broke in an unfamiliar place. Umph, what a choice.

Then my family received the INVITATION. The invitation to CeeCee’s little sister’s graduation from Duke’s School of Medicine. You mean, CeeCee’s little sister is a doctor was all I could think. And not one of those “anybody can be a doctor if you write a good paper Ph.D. doctors.” I mean a medical doctor. Unfortunately, the graduation was on the same day as my cousin’s wedding and my family couldn’t attend. That was really the last time I had heard from their family until recently. But over the last decade or so, I’ve often thought about CeeCee and wondered if she was married with kids, or if she was still living in Boston.

Early this year, my mom ran into CeeCee’s mom and little sister, at the grocery store. Her mom had informed my mom that CeeCee had moved back to the area, was working as an educator for the State of Maryland, and was still single with no babies. Wow, I thought...we have something in common. So I called my friend, CeeCee. And our first conversation in over 15 years lasted a good six hours. We had so much to catch up on. So much to say. So many unanswered questions to fill. That initial phone conversation was in the beginning of the year. And so since then, we have dedicated Saturdays (at least once a month) to talk. Just plain old girlfriend talk. Oh, did I mention that CeeCee is living an uncompromising Christian life as well---ok well she is, lol.

So yesterday, CeeCee called about noon. I was in the midst of completing my final “assignment” of reorganizing and deep cleaning---my office/den, lol. So we did a little catching up. Our last conversation, CeeCee had given me soooo much insight on a personal situation in which I knew that the Lord was speaking through her. I mean, what she said was what I felt in my Spirit, but was unsure of the big picture so it left the subtle part--well very subtle, lol. But as [my friend] says……. “if the Lord gave you the entire picture then you wouldn’t have a need for faith.” But CeeCee broke down the subtle part (that is the part of the situation that has already taken place) in which the Lord had already given me a message concerning it. And so yesterday in our conversation we had touched briefly on my situation--giving updates---but we then focused on her personal issue. Ok, you know I’m not gonna “reveal” the extreme personal parts in this blog, but I will reveal the message.

The conversation ended up being about suffering. And for CeeCee and I, we have both agreed that our major “suffering” has been our lady-in-waiting satus. It’s common. I mean, at 38 years old, we both have dabbled in the mindset of.....what’s taking God so long to making us happily married with a family---lol. I mean, lots of us women have had this mindset. But yesterday’s conversation, something changed. There was a meeting of…..ok I was getting ready to say a meeting of the minds, but I think it was really a meeting in the Spirit. Ok, you talk about two professional women who in our fields have become sorta a domineering force. I mean, our mommas are control-freaks, lolol. And so we get our power trippin from nurture AND nature--lolol. But yesterday, we both agreed that we as professional women---I mean Christian Women---have to go back to the Word and cut this power cord if we want to have a “happy” marriage. That is a marriage in God's sight. Yes, yes…..we have to learn how to tear down this self-powering being that we've carefully developed over the years and learn how to submit (LOL-Ugh!!).

Ok, so we started talking about suffering. CeeCee had told me about a colleague who is going through a lot of drama with her sex partner--I mean boyfriend--whom she wants--or thinks---she wants to marry. She's wondering why there's so much drama and wondering why its taking so long for him to ask her to marry him. CeeCee said the colleague makes it office knowledge of her relationship (even the gruesome sexual parts---please spare me the details) with this dude. As if she's bragging. But she's been speaking with CeeCee about the "problem" areas cause you know--their both Christians, lol. And so CeeCee was telling me about the situation and how we, as women, have literally lost ourselves and wonder why we are suffering in the “lady-in-waiting” mode.

And so as we’re talking and evaluating our situations with that of her colleague’s, it became apparent that there was a difference. The difference we came to agree on was that her colleague’s suffering was out of disobedience cause you can't expect God's approval of a mate, but doing things contrary to the Word and opposit the Lord's commands. But our suffering (that is in that area) is a suffering out of obedience. The "I'm molding and making you two for MY purpose so hold on" suffering. Not to say we're better cause we've both been on the other side--for a long time--and so that's how we can see the difference.

So after I hung up the phone, I started to ponder. I mean, could I have alleviated a lot of my past drama if I’d been obedient to the Lord. I know the answer is YES. I mean, let’s face it……to walk with Christ one has to go through their periods of suffering. Bottomline. We can’t get around it. But there’s a difference in suffering in obedience and suffering in disobedience. So I’m thinking……..you mean to tell me I could have been at the place where God wanted me a long time ago had I been “obedient”. And then I started thinking about the Israelites and thought………WOW!!!!!

But then the flesh tried to chime in and say…..suffering is suffering and none of it feels good and if we can’t get around it then…….

And then the Holy Spirit reminded me of the last piece of the conversation I had with CeeCee yesterday. We both agreed that there was something about suffering when you know you are in the will of the Lord. There is something about God’s mercy at our most vulnerable and weakest times. There is something about God’s peace when we want to give up because we’re tired of waiting. And then there is something about being DRAMA-FREE knowing that God fights my battles. And then I felt better. And at ease. And good about suffering for the will of God. The PERFECT will of God. And then I took out the last two bags of junk from my month-long cleaning project and came back to see the fruits of my labor and declared……WELL DONE YOU GOOD AND FAITHFUL SERVANT!!

I'm Empowered......I Think

Can I talk about empowerment for a minute or two or three--lol? I mentioned it in my last entry on prosperity, but it’s been on my mind since I’ve been having these ongoing discussions with my sister. My sister is a part of an organization, a wealth-building organization, which is comprised of many professionals and entrepreneurs. They meet regularly to discuss---well money, but for the most part what bonds them is their drive, their thirst to achieve the American Dream. I mean, the organization is quite empowering if I may so. Just from having a general conversation with my sister I get a high. What I think is so cool is that if their businesses haven’t yielded them a big financial return in any given week, its ok cause the energy at the regular meetings inspires them to do better the next week. Very empowering.

Ok, then I have another sister who is very much a part of the whole Black college experience. She’s actually getting ready to pledge ___________, sorry can’t reveal, but the point is, is that she’s getting ready to pledge to a sorority that she is so inspired by. For the last several years, my sister has been doing her research---reading up on the organization’s members, their charitable events, community involvement, campus reputation, sisterhood, and so on. She says all the time that she feels so empowered by the organization and what they have to offer. And me, as her big sis, I tell her straight that as long as the organization does NOT make her worship false gods or sacrafice her Spiritual walk then go for it.

And then there’s my MUTHUR. Ok, I know this will sound a little biased, but my mother is the BEST hat designer in the country. Her designs are regularly sought (and bought) by first ladies all of the country. I’m not trying to plug my mother’s business, but….... Ok, I just lost my point here---lolol. Oh, ok. Anyway……my mother has a local hat boutique with regular customer patronage. And one Saturday afternoon, I stopped in just to spend a couple hours---with my MUTHUR, and a regular customer came in. I’d complimented the customer on her weight-loss, and she started giving me her dieting and exercising tips. I was so empowered by what the customer said that the very next week I joined the gym and started working out regularly. Oh, I got my point.......got off track for a moment.......but my mother was empowered by her grandmother to design hats. Her grandmother, my great-grandmother, owned a popular hat shop in Harlem.

Then there’s a girlfriend of mine. An AWESOME writer. She belongs to several social groups, one being an online writing group. My girlfriend seems to be so empowered by this writing group. On her blog she often displays her writing samples for her readers. She makes it very clear that she’s inspired by her personal journey and her love of music in writing her creative pieces. Lately, she’s been writing about her Spiritual quest in which I’m sure has a positive impact on her readers. So my girlfriend is empowering by being empowered. I can go on and on about the people in my personal circle who are empowered by their daily living. These folk just came off the top of my head, but TRUST there are waaay too many in my circle to name. But me……………

Ok, I’ve got a couple things going on in my life that empowers me. But I guess being a part of the real estate industry is (was—lol) the most empowering. I mean, empowering financially that’s a no brainer, but acquiring my licenses and learning the trade was a big accomplishment and very empowering. And being a woman, a Black woman, in this field is very empowering. And then meeting so many people and hearing other agents' success stories are empowering. Not to mention the all-time great feeling of settling your first deal—talk about empowering. And then regularly hearing the…… “you were referred to me……” introductions is all so empowering. I mean, it’s all so EMPOWERING. Daily life is empowering. Soooo, my question is:

Why do folk put so much strain and expectancy on our churches/church leaders to “empower” when we can be “empowered” in our day-to-day lives?????

I mean, is it really the church’s responsibility to “empower”?

Well let me ask this……..if the church leaders’ role is to empower (and I do hear some very empowering preachers), then what role does God’s power play---you know His Holy Ghost power??????

.......But I have raised you up for this very purpose, that I might show you MY POWER and that MY NAME might be proclaimed in all the earth. --Exodus 9:16

Cause appeasing the flesh/emotion doesn’t mix with the Spirit. One or the other has to win. My point is, is that I think we have put way to much emphasis on what we can get out of the church, and not enough on what we can GIVE to the church.

First and foremost, the church is supposed to be our place of WORSHIP. We supposed to go there leaving our day-to-day mentality (business ventures, school blues, mama drama, etc.) at the door and approaching His throne with praise and worship. It ain’t about what we can get, nor is it about motivating us to start that new business on Monday. Our primary purpose in going to church is to WORSHIP. Don’t get me wrong, I do believe that while we are in church the Lord can give revelation (by Word, message, person, etc.) about any given personal issue or situation. But bottomline…..it’s not about us…..it’s about HIM!!! I’m sure there’s enough time at home to fall on knees and ask God to work out the finances, heal that loved one, and take Johnny out of our life.

Second, is church supposed to be a one-stop-shop for its members????????? I mean, if we put all of our daily needs (hair salon, car wash, restaurant, daycare, gym, and so on) in the church’s parking lot behind the golden gates in suburbia, who are we reaching????? I mean, are we supposed to be serving the saved or the unsaved???? Please understand, I am all for entrepreneurship and supporting certain businesses, but it should not be the churches agenda to coerce its members to support the “church’s” businesses---I mean "empowering" kingdom building---while promoting division. I mean, going to the church’s soul food dynasty could interrupt me witnessing to a lost soul at the McDonalds. Oh wait a minute…..we are being taught how to win souls for Christ, right???

You know what I’m thinking……actually it’s a constant thought……..there are enough mega-churches (not to mention average and smaller-size churches) out here to change this country completely!!! If AUTHENTIC messages are taught (that is the Word that isn’t watered down and tailored to counseling-session messages), each Christian in these mega-churches can go out and witness to ONE soul and make a major impact. In fact, if we are being taught the AUTHENTIC Word we really don’t even have to open our mouths cause the unsaved will be able to see God’s presence on us and will desire what we have. Speaking of which…..I have a “saved” colleague who has the NASTIEST attitude. She’s very moody, rebellious, and has a very sharp tongue. But she makes it clear (that’s by her mouth) that she is a “Christian” and that God gives her orders, not her supervisor. Umph!! I don’t even know why I brought this up. I don’t even feel like discussing her. Moving on……

Third, should our major focus be on getting empowered whether its inside or outside the church???? I mean, if we spent a third of our time in God's Word and working on His behalf (and I ain't talking about organizing the church's Gospel cruise--lol) then we can start to build an unwavering and geniune relationship with the Lord that has more of an impact on the organizations in which we belong then they on us. Be we have to be firmly equipped and deeply rooted. So when we do come across those worldly opportunities that seems to "empower" us then we can rely on the Holy Spirit to protect our minds and emotions. I mean, the last thing I need is to be empowered by an organization that secretly worships the devil---lol. No, no, no.......don't have time to be deceived.

....And He that searcheth the hearts knoweth what is the mind of the Spirit, because He maketh intercession for the saints according to the will of God. And we know that all things work together for good to them that love God, to them who are the called according to His purpose. --Romans 8:27-28

But you know what really hurts me………and I mean REALLY hurts me. Its seeing all of these churches/church leaders empowering folk with the “It’s about my purpose and my destiny” messages……and yet, marriages are falling into divorce constantly. I mean Christian marriages. I think that these “empowering” messages are developing this selfish attitude causing a major drift in God’s people. I mean, folk are so busy trying to get theirs that there is no longer a heart for unity. It has to make one stop and wonder….have our churches gotten so caught up in feeding the selfish mind that souls are now malnourished???? Umph! That’s probably why we can’t seem to get off the Gerber.

The Prosperity Message

Ooooh, I knew this was bound to come out of my head--lol. And since it is an issue that I can go Al Sharpton on…..it’s gonna be lengthy. So please bear with me. Before I go any further let me make it clear that I DO NOT DISAGREE WITH PROSPERITY. What I disagree with is the false teachings on prosperity.

Ok, so speaking about P-R-O-S-P-E-R-I-T-Y. Let me first start with the Word:

I love those who love me, and those who seek me find me. With me are riches and honor, enduring wealth and prosperity. My fruit is better than fine gold; what I yield surpasses choice silver. --Proverbs 8:17-19

Yes, I do realize that there are many scriptures in the Bible that talk about prosperity, but they all relate to the same meaning---time NOT wealth!!! But I pulled this scripture out because it makes a clear distinction that prosperity is separate from wealth. Let me make it clearer----wealth relates to money, riches, silver, and gold. Prosperity relates to time and/or place. Got it. Good. Now stepping off to the side for a minute…..let’s talk about wealth and then I’ll come back to prosperity.

What does the Word say about Wealth?

Ok, the Word says MANY things about wealth…..but this New Testament story really sums up what the Lord has to say about us and our wealth:

As Jesus started on his way, a man ran up to him and fell on his knees before him. “Good teacher,” he asked, “what must I do to inherit eternal life?” “Why do you call me good?” Jesus answered. “No one is good—except God alone. You know the commandments: ‘Do not murder, do not commit adultery, do not steal, do not give false testimony, do not defraud, honor your father and mother.’” “Teacher,” he declared, “all these I have kept since I was a boy.” Jesus looked at him and loved him. “One thing you lack,” he said. “Go, sell everything you have and give to the poor, and you will have treasure in heaven. Then come, follow me.” At this the man’s face fell. He went away sad, because he had great wealth. Jesus looked around and said to his disciples, “How hard it is for the rich to enter the kingdom of God!” --Mark 10:15-23

What are my feelings about having wealth?

Ok, I know that the Lord takes no pleasure in seeing His children financially handicapped or in poverty, but I gotta be honest with you…….being wealthy is not my dream. I mean, if it comes--it comes, but it’s not my life’s goal or pursuit. The funny thing is that lately I’ve been feeling that I’m about to walk into wealth. And to be honest, I struggle daily with this thought, feeling. I mean, just like the rich young man in the above scripture…getting wealth is a great earthly accomplishment that not only brings about material gain, but provides a sense (ok, a false sense) of respect, admiration, and in many instances fame. I mean, being wealthy is built into the American Dream in which we are reminded of constantly. Society (that’s me included) have accepted wealth as proof of “arrival”. And since I came into this world with very little, obtaining wealth will be a serious mindset change for me. Not to say that I couldn’t handle it, but I understand that acquiring wealth sits on a fence and I’d have to really, really understand God’s purpose for the wealth and know that it is uncompromising. In so many instances, wealthy Christians’ straggle the fence and many times they’re knocked off ending up on a the wrong side. This happens so often, and frightens me.

Ok…… so from my previous entries, it’s clear that I’m not driven by money (or wealth). BUT I do understand its purpose and the need to have it. Therefore I am not opposed to having wealth, but what concerns me most is having wealth and losing focus of my purpose---my mission in which the Lord brought me to earth for. I accept fully that I wasn’t brought to earth to have this GRAND KINGDOM-LIVING LIFESTYLE, for I realize that wealth (money or prosperity) is not the destination or compensation for being a Christian. Wealth is a byproduct---or secondary result/side effect---of being obedient to the Lord’s will. And just as His Word says above……His fruit is better than fine gold, and what he yields surpasses choice silver. That’s what I want. His fruit. And what HE yields. And eternal life, not a temporary financial fix.

So I received a prophecy a couple of weeks ago from a trusted source---its mentioned in a previous entry. And one of the things he told me was that I was going to be a millionaire. I believe what he said because he was on point with other things he’d told me. And since I had received the “millionaire” prophecy many times over the past 15 years or so, it just served as confirmation. But this time when I heard it I stood still. Motionless. Cause it felt closer than ever. But then I thought about my current lifestyle in which I’m pretty content with. I mean, anyone who knows me know that if I have enough money to pay my bills comfortably, the freedom to go to Wal-mart and the Giant without having to check my bank account, and the freedom to treat myself to a nice pair of shoes, purse, and/or bottle of perfume on a random Saturday afternoon…….then I’m happy. And I say this wholeheartedly. So the thought of being a millionaire did not (does not) bring a burst of happiness to me.

Ok, so shortly after receiving the prophecy, I was presented with a “business proposition”. It was like I felt it coming. From what I learned, being successful in this particular business could mean unlimited wealth. Hmmm….. So I looked over the paperwork, did my research, and talked to a few people. Ok, the required skills to make this business successful I already possess, giving me a lot of leverage. Basically, I could be wealthy in this business with ease if I accepted the proposition and applied myself. So for the last few weeks, I’ve been toying with thought. Is this “chasing” wealth? This could allow me to come across people in which I can witness to. Is this God’s will for my life? The thoughts were becoming overwhelming---to the point where I was avoiding phone calls and emails. And since my home computer was under repair, it gave me a legitimate excuse to “stall”.

Then I received a phone call. A very unexpected phone call. Well, not from an unexpected person (lol), but since I was just starting my work day the timing was a little unexpected. But I took the call, because I take all of [his] calls—lol. Ok, more so because he had an unusual seriousness in his voice. And so I braced myself to listen to what he had to say. Let me say this…….although [he] knows PRECISELY my feelings and views about wealth and money, my friend knows that I’m not easily “bought” or "sold". So I listened. And then my mouth fell opened because I had yet to share with him the business venture (that was another thought I was toying with), but he was saying stuff like he’d been sitting in my head for the last few weeks. I guess being a true man of God, he knew. Yes, yes, I was wearing the GIVE-ME-A-PROPHECY sticker that day and so my friend let me have it. In a nutshell, he told me that it IS in the will of God for me to receive wealth because God knows my heart and knows that I am a woman of integrity. Ok, that’s my interpretation---lolol.

What are my feelings about Pastors and Wealth?

Hmmm…….. Ok, let me just say that I was brought up on Reverend Ike. My grandmother had him on the television constantly. Reverend Ike was a flamboyant “prosperity” preacher back in the 70s and even then, as a little girl, something didn’t sit well with me. So I’ve been raised with a certain consciousness when it comes to pastors and money dealing. HOWEVER, I wholeheartedly believe that the Lord’s blessings are limitless and He can make anybody wealthy that He so chooses. And I DO believe that it can be in God’s will to make His leaders wealthy.

What I don’t agree with is pastors building wealth by pimping God’s people. A lot of church dealings are modern forms of slavery. It’s like some of them give their vulnerable members enough “empowerment” to raise emotion to coerce their mindset. And you know that if you get into someone’s mind---you basically got’em. Selling false hope, and threatening with “the curse of God” is bondage. Spiritual, emotional, and mental bondage! I’ve seen prophecy selling, and what’s coming back on the scene is object selling. I saw a pastor on television yesterday selling a golden pen, which ain’t nothing but a false god cause any time you put power in an object that object becomes a god.

However, there are sincere pastors out there who are teaching the unadulterated Word of God, and helping us to understand that when we live our lives in the will of God and in obedience, God’s rewards are limitless. We have to also understand that in addition to wealth and prosperity, suffering and trials are all a part of God’s plan for our lives as well. And if it means that God will allow us to lose all of our possessions to get us to the place in which He has called us or to get His point across, I firmly believe that he will do it. So to God be the glory!!

What are my feelings about Tithes and Offerings?

Lolol. I FIRMLY BELIEVE IN GIVING TITHES AND OFFERINGS!! Giving is so powerful. Not only is it a Spiritual law, but a natural law. When you give, you receive. When you sow, you reap. Bottomline. If you plant seed, you will reap fruit (which by the way has nothing to do with money—another mis-teaching). Anyway, giving tithes and offerings is one of those personal responsibilities. It has nothing to do with the pastor, or the administrators of the church. It has to do with God’s instructions and our obedience. Not getting a full understanding of God’s Word can be detrimental. And although it is a pastor’s calling to deliver the Word, it is our personal responsibility to study God’s Word, and follow His principles.

…..My people are destroyed from lack of knowledge. “Because you have rejected knowledge, I also reject you as my priests; because you have ignored the law of your God, I also will ignore your children.” –Hosea 4:6

I have to admit, it used to be a major problem for me to give my money to a church that I knew was “pimping the people” or misusing funds. But over the years, I’ve come to know that just as it should not be the pastor’s concern of what I give out of my submission to God, it is not my concern of how the pastor is spending God’s money. We all have a fiscal responsibility when it comes to our Spiritual walk, and I am CONFIDENT---and this is from personal experience---that if finances are being abused or misused, the Lord will deal accordingly. Ask me how I know--lol.

What is Prosperity to Me?

Good question—lolol!!! Prosperity to me is a place, or state of being, where I am growing and flourishing in the total will of God. It’s like preparing for a marathon. The application period to the preparation period to the finish line is prosperity. I’m meeting the requirements, I'm working out, I’m dieting, and I’m doing all of the things required for me to reach my upcoming goal---the marathon’s finish line (eternal life). And running the actual marathon is my call/purpose on earth. To run, and not be weary. But while I’m preparing, my muscles are becoming stronger, I lose those unwanted pounds, I meet other marathon runners (hey, might even marry one—lol), my skin is becoming clearer, the borderline diabetic report I’d received a month ago no longer applies, my cholesterol improves, and........I just learned that because I’m the only marathon runner in my community I am given a $10,000 incentive as a “congratulations.” Do I stop? Did I join the marathon to get the $10,000? Nope, it’s just one of the many rewards for being obedient, thus walking (or running--lol) in prosperity.


For what shall it profit a man, if he shall gain the whole world, and lose his own soul? --Mark 8:36

Talk About the Important Things

Wow!! Just talked with my girlfriend, Elizabeth, who just had a talk with one of our colleagues. Our [colleague] has been out sick for the last couple of weeks (just returning to work this week), and was actually hospitalized. You'd never known that he was sick prior to his temporary leave-of-absence, but we received word about a month ago that he was hospitalized with an undisclosed illness and needed our prayers. When I saw him on Monday, I almost passed out cause he'd lost so much weight. He looks frail. I was speechless. And when I don't know what to say to a person I usually steer clear until I can gather my thoughts. He is, however, constantly in my prayers.

But Elizabeth, being the little missionary she is--lol, had a talk with him this morning. And she told me that he told her that going through what he went through made him aware of the 3 following things:

1. The importance of giving blood. He said that it wasn't until he needed a blood transfusion that he thought about donating. Ok, I gotta work on this one. I'm not a chicken at getting needles, but I am a bit anemic. And the last time I gave blood I nearly fainted. I mean, but I do understand the importance.

2. The importance of being THANKFUL for the activity of limbs. He said that he relied heavily on individuals to carry him around. I am constantly thankful for my limbs--lol. I mean, I admit that I get a little lazy sometimes, but I'm extremely grateful that I can get up and walk to the bathroom and run a couple laps around the track with no problem. I don't take this for granted. This is the main reason why I WILL NOT accept a "free" handicap sticker.

3. The importance of giving. He said that he was in high need of the services that the facility he was in provided. He said that he looked around and thought that had it not been for dedicated donors who contribute to that facility he probably would not have been as rehabilitated. I fully understand. I'm a giver at heart. And I do practice the 80-10-10 rule.

Umph! It is true what they say..........you never know the importance of water until your well runs dry.

Don't Block the Flow

Ok, I was going to write this entry on yesterday, but my sister’s antics interrupted my thoughts and demanded release. And so I had to take care of that first. As I said before, writing in this blog takes wandering thoughts out of my mind. It’s such a stress reliever.

Anyhoo……

So I’ve been doing this ongoing home project of repairing, deep cleaning, and reorganizing my little humble palace. It’s cozy and quaint. But space is limited, and so it is imperative that I keep it organized. Everything has its place.

Ok, so on Saturday I woke up with this full burst of energy. (You know what…and this is just a side note…I’m really learning to love Saturday mornings. I’ve been getting up pretty early for the last couple of Saturday mornings and there’s this positive energy that I feel. My “friend” usually calls me between 6am-8am to mess with me. Good Morning, Sunshine---time to wake up!!! Says I should be up and out, and not sleeping a potentially productive morning away. Whatever….I normally respond with. Cause I gotta admit---ain’t nothing like sleeping until noon on a Saturday morning. Especially after working hard all week).

Anyhoo……

So I woke up extra early this past Saturday morning and had this sudden urge to clean. I mean, since I had a family function that evening I knew that my home activities would be limited to not. And not to mention that I wanted to get a mani and pedi. So basically, me taking time to clean wasn’t in the plan. But I had the urge.

So I started with my bedroom. Not a whole lot to it. The main thing is to dust all of the oversized furniture. Change the linen, Windex the mirrors, vacuum the floor, and organize my bedside books--and it’s a done deal. Oh, you know what I discovered and LUUUV---ok, really my sis turned me on to it---it’s Methods Almond-Scent Wood Polisher. Luuuvs it.

Ok, so then I moved on to the bathroom. Again, not a whole lot other than the basics. But I did want a different look so I changed the existing shower curtain to one that I’d never used. The new one was stashed in the linen closet with the twenty others I bought out of addiction over the years. Then I cleaned the floor. Not the usual way though. This time I got on my hands and knees and scrubbed, scrubbed, scrubbed til my glutes ached. And they’re still aching. Man, I can’t wait til I get married!!

And then I decided to clean a room that's out of the ordinary. The laundry room. Ok, gotta tell you that when I initially previewed my condo, the thing that sold me was the laundry room. Not so much that the laundry room was a separate room within the unit, but just the fact that the unit had a washer and dryer. I had gone several years without a washer and dryer and it was tiring lugging my laundry down six flights of stairs, packing up my car, and driving to the laundromat hoping to get four washers side-by-side. So discovering a washer and drying in its own separate laundry room was a luxury for me. Ok, its not a real big room, but enough room to house an oversized washer and dryer, laundry bins, the ironing board, a utility shelf, and room for the vacuum, broom, mop, etc. You know, about the size of a computer room/office.

Ok, so the utility shelf I immediately placed in front of the window when I moved in. More so because space was limited. But over the years the shelf became permanent home to all of my cleaning products, bulk paper towels, tissues, light bulbs, and the bottom shelf for my overflowing not-daily-use hair stuff. So Saturday something said----clean the shelf. Ugh!! I mean, ain’t no good to clean everything else and not clean the shelf, right. So as I’m removing stuff I discover the window. Ok, I knew the window was there because you kinda know how many windows you have in your house---lol, but it was a “nonfunctioning” window. Ok, the junk on the shelf that blocked the window made it nonfunctioning.

So I pulled all of the junk off the shelf and pulled the shelf out to the hallway. And what’ll you know…..a perfect window with perfect blinds. The funny thing is….last year I had upgraded all of the blinds in the house, but because I didn’t want to “disrupt” the shelf I didn’t change the blinds in the laundry room. But the old blinds were perfect on this window. Just needed a little cleaning. So I removed those and soaked them in bleach. And when I returned there was this bright window with a beautiful panoramic view of my neighborhood---and with a peak of my freshly-waxed car. Awww, what a beautiful view. So before opening the window, I Windexed the glass streaklessly. Then it was time for the “grand opening”. Maaan, when I opened the window it was as if the Holy Spirit waltzed in. I mean, the breeze was absolutely flawless. I couldn’t freaking believe it!!! You mean I was blocking this air and burning the air conditioner all this time??????

So I decided to leave that window unblocked and opened all day until I returned home that evening from my family festivities. And when I walked through the door, again the breeze from that little laundry room greeted me with a new freshness that I had never known. But had all the time. It was just blocked with my junk.

Sister 2 Sister

It’s Monday. I wanted to have my normal blues, but dag on my eldest sister called me at 8am-ish and started my day in laughter. Her little comments/actions/life cracks me up on a daily and I usually don’t discuss too much personal stuff with the public, but this one I have to share cause God gets the glory.

Ok, so my eldest sis calls this morning, interrupting my short “I don’t feel like going to work” bus ride to the metro. And so she says… “Did you talk to [VIP]? I think [VIP] is mad at me because [VIP] called me last night and I told [VIP] that I couldn’t talk because I was reading my Word. [VIP] caught an attitude and said.....What!! Good-bye then, I was just trying to help you out!!” (honestly, I know [VIP] had to be caught off guard by my sis). Anyway, then my sis goes on with her spiel….. “Jill, I mean…[VIP] was interrupting my time with the Lord….and just when I was at the juicy part in the story…..I mean, what was I supposed to say……gotta call you back!!” Of course I laughed while giving God the glory because the thought of my sister sticking around to get to the “juicy” part of the Word is truly a prayer answered. My eldest sister is one of those people who will give anything just enough try to F-IT!!!! (yes, I just shortened a cuss word, cause that’s my sister’s regular language---so you know why I’m ecstatic, right!!)

I mean, I don’t want to make my sis out to be a devil, but she enjoys her life at a high price. And she makes it clear that if we don’t like it…..oh well. Over the years, I've just learned to keep her in my prayers---heavily. But I knew something was up last week when she was running her mouth in conversation and said………see, I know the Lord is working on me because I stopped cussing. I haven’t cussed since yesterday!!! I mean, progress is progress, right--lol.

And then, Wednesday night she calls me and says……hey, me and nuk (my 8 year old niece) are in the Christian bookstore. What kind of Bible should I buy us? Didn't you say to get an N.I.V.? After giving her precise instructions she made her purchase, proudly. And even called the next morning to tell me that she’d purchased a book on the famous women of the Gospel. Hallelujah!!!

So over the weekend, we celebrated my youngest sister’s nineteenth birthday, as well as her farewell back to college this week. Forty family members gathered at the Olive Garden in Bowie and laughed at my eldest sister’s “normalcy”. She started off telling us that she no longer drinks alcohol. And after my brother ordered his drink, we watched precisely to see her actions/reactions, but she stuck to it and kept ordering sweet tea. Hallelujah!!

It didn’t stop there. So another sister was taking our niece, Nuk, home with her for the week, and so she waited for my eldest sister to get Nuk’s bags out of her car. When my eldest sister gave the bags to my other sister, my other sister looked in and almost had a heart attack. She reaches in and pulled out the cutest little pink army-fatigue print pre-teen Bible. I would’ve had a heart attack too if I wasn’t on the phone with her the other night when she purchased it.

So Sunday morning, as she normally does, I didn’t get a phone call from my eldest sis. So I called my mother and asked if she’d heard from her, and she said, yes………..she’s at church. Hallelujah!!!

Sinful Pleasures

Today is not a good day. I’m tired, sluggish, and was late for work. When I got to the metro this morning, there was an announcement that trains were running 45 minutes late due to a fire at Metro Center. People were turning around and going home. I guess any little thing not to go to work on such a beautiful day, huh. But since I was out on yesterday, I thought it best that I weather the storm and proceed. I ended up standing the entire ride from Shady Grove to Gallery Place (about 14 stops—I think). So I’m tired and irritable, to say the least.

I stayed home yesterday because I’m having work done on my little abode. So I thought it best to schedule all the repairs to be done on one day. Meaning, I only had to use one day of leave. But that one day started horribly. I cussed, YES CUSSED, the cable guy out because after paying nearly $500 to a monopolized company that knows I need their crappy service, I expected that my wiring would be done right. And it wasn’t. And because dude represents the company and gave me attitude, I gave him a goooood piece of my mind. Services were eventually completed to my satisfaction in about an hour or so---after which, I apologized and repented.

But after the cable guy left, too much was going on. Stuff was everywhere. I'm trying to reorganize my den, and pulled all kinds of stuff out over the weekend and have yet to put them back. The plummer had the toilet sitting in the hall. The vents were being cleaned with little silver scraps all over my patio. And I was getting a headache just looking at "the work-in-progress". So I started feeling anxiety and needed a fix. I felt like I was starving. I wanted the repair men to hurry so that I could go eat, but then wanted him to take their time to do the work right. I was so confused. So what did I do? I stormed out of the house and went to one of my favorite restaurants to have probably my all-time favorite comfort meal. Was I really hungry? Probably not. I mean, when I woke up yesterday morning I had an unlimited supply of cookies. And since it was just shy of noon, I couldn’t have been that hungry. Not that periodic "craving" time. Just hungry for no reason. I wanted that meal and I wanted it bad. And I got it. And it was so good.

After I ate [the meal], I stopped by the Giant because I had a taste for some Ben & Jerry’s, Everything But The….. ice cream. Talk about my favorite. Didn’t stop there. I had a taste for some salt and vinegar potato chips…..and I picked up a bag of those. I was set. By the time I got home, things were somewhat in order so I locked myself in my room with my snacks and watched television until I drifted off to sleep.

I woke up about 6pm-ish and guess what? I was hungry again. I think. Maybe not. But I kept negotiating with myself trying to make a convincing argument that I hadn’t eaten anything since lunch time. Self won, and so I called Pizza Hut and ordered a pizza. As I talked to my sister on the phone, I ate until I felt content. That’s the whole medium Cheese Lovers pizza I might add.

And then it hit me.

I’m sinning. All of this unnecessary eating is a sin. It’s pure gluttoning. And lusting. And being lazy. I mean, I’d like to think that I got all the other sins under control…..lying, adultery, fornication, etc. (ok….I've come through a long path of deliverance over the years—lol), but the gluttony, lust, and laziness---I’m still working on. Thank God for the Word, though.

“If we claim to be without sin, we deceive ourselves and the truth is not in us. If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness. If we claim we have not sinned, we make him out to be a liar and his word has no place in our lives.” --1 John 1:8-10

So I did as I normally do…..repented and asked the Lord to forgive me. But then I was reminded of a conversation I had with my cousin last year (dag today is his birthday---how ironic---gotta remember to call that punk). But the conversation was about the forgiveness of sins. And so my cousin said that if the Lord will forgive, then why would we want to stop sinning? A very thought provoking question that comes up frequently. And this is what I told him then, and still stand firm on today.

1. When I sin….I feel so far away from the Lord. Yes, the Lord will forgive, but I still have to pay for that sin. And it doesn’t feel good trying to get back into His presence after being ashamed and guilty from sinning. Ok, ok…..I know that there is no condemnation in Christ, but tell that to my flesh. I mean, it tears me up to think that Christ is “disappointed” with me. I mean, the deeper I get in Christ, the more I want to please Him. And knowing that I’m disappointing him with my selfish pleasures makes me think twice before indulging.

2. I can't get away with just sinning. There is an exchange, in which took me a long time to accept.

For the wages of sin is death, but the gift of God is eternal life in Christ Jesus our Lord. –Romans 6:23

That means that every time I sin, something dies. As I tried to break it down to my cousin…..when I fornicate all power in me seems like it left. I get so vulnerable and emotional, and feel so weak. I mean, it could be that the abstinence I built for several months/years dies, my respect for myself (and/or the person) dies, my self-worth dies, my self-control dies. My confidence in the situation dies. Something in me dies. Unfortunately, I mean that is speaking of fornication, a lot of relationships die after.…going there. Even if the Lord did approve of the relationship mis-using its purpose could destroy it. Talk about walking in His will and being obedient.

And so although Jesus did pay the price, we as His children pay a price also when we sin. Sinning is basically saying, "Lord I be right back. What I need you can't give me." And so when we depart from His will we're now relying on self-power.

Ok, so as for my lusting for food yesterday, I was no good for nothing. And with a nasty attitude. For no real reason but to try to satisfy a temporary feeling. I was so sluggish that I didn’t read my Word, didn’t pray, nor did I have a thirst for being in God’s presence at all. This morning was the same way. No enthusiasm at all. I mean, I did manage to pray, but that was it. Dag, was it worth it? Heck NO!!! Talk about the price of sinful pleasures.

After the Fall

What an evening I had last night. I just love my alone time. And I’m taking full advantage of it while I’m yet still single. So last night, my original plan was to go straight home after having a strenuous workout to just crash. No, actually…..I said that after taking my shower I’d lie in the bed and watch television for a while until I drifted off to sleep. And I hoped to be sleep by 10p. Nope, didn’t quite happen that way. After taking my shower, throwing a frozen pizza in the microwave, and folding the last bit of laundry that I neglected to do over the weekend, I got my fourth wind. Nothing interesting was on television as usual so I picked up the good book I’ve been metro reading for the last week or so. I got so engrossed in the conclusion of the book that by the time I finished it off it was well past midnight.

Back in May, while preparing for my trip to Oregon, I had decided to do one of my favorite guilty pleasures----shop for books. I’ve charged up a many cards on unneeded books. But I’d stopped in the Christian bookstore next to the Trader Joes I frequent and told myself that I would just browse. I know, I know……the last thing I need is another book. My home office/library is packed with all types of literature from text books to training manuals to self-help, inspirational, Christian living, biographies, how-to, business development, fiction novels, Bibles, magazines, and everything else in between. I’m a self-proclaimed book junkie. And I love it!

Ok, off the subject at hand for a moment........speaking of fiction, like everything else, I’m very particular of what I read. It’s not so much the subject matter, but the author’s writing expertise that determines my interest. I remember a couple years ago, I’d stopped past my mother’s house and saw a [fiction book] sitting on the dining room table. No doubt it was my sister’s cause she’s into the trendy, everybody-is-reading-it books. And so I picked it up because I wanted to see what all the hype was about. I mean, this “erotica sistah” from around the way had to be one of the best authors in the game cause she was the talk on the Black circuit. So I sat down and read a page. And a page was all I could read. I may have made it to page two, but I think I was turned off from her lack of research and shallow writing style, and refused to force myself to finish the first little chapter. Must admit……I was truly disappointed.

So hands down, I’d have to say that E. Lynn Harris is my all-time favorite fiction author. Ok, ok……before you get your mouth all twisted up and try to dis-fellowship me from my place in the Lord, I haven’t read an ELH book in about 4 or 5 years. And not that I’ve ever condoned the whole down-low, gay, Black brotha movement, its just that I love ELH’s writing. Not to mention, the brotha is very personable. Back in the nineties, me and a few colleagues had a debate on one of ELH’s books and so, being the PR professional I am, I contacted ELH. He actually got back to me within that hour. He clarified the subject matter and thanked us for being supportive of his material. That topped it for me.

Anyway, I was preparing for my trip to the west coast and decided I wanted to get a really good book to ease my 5 hour flight. So I stopped into the Christian bookstore and started browsing the 80% off table. Many good Christian development finds on this table. But there was one book entitled, After the Fall, that seemed interesting. Have to admit, I'd never read a Christian, fiction book. I mean, can I really put Christian and fiction in the same sentence? Doesn’t seem to make sense. Anyway, the book was written by a devout Christian named Ryan Phillips and it just happened to be a fiction novel. At first I was hesitant. This will be corny, I thought. But at 80% off, hey I couldn’t really go wrong. So I bought it….along with five other books. Unfortunately, during the flight out I got so caught up in a John Bevere book that my little fiction find got tossed to the side.

So a couple of weeks ago, as I was sitting in my office, I glanced at After the Fall sitting on my to-read shelf and decided to see what it was all about. Like any other fiction, it took me a chapter or two to really start feeling it, but MAN, I TELL YOU that any book that can keep me up pass midnight on a weeknight HAS TO BE GOOD!!! Ok, I’m not going to give away the story cause I encourage this as a must-add-to-your-book-collection book, but I just would like to give an overview of what makes a book A GOOD BOOK to me:

1. Writing has to be intellectually exceptional (grammar, language, word usage, sentence composition). I mean, introduce some new words to my vocabulary.

2. Topic research has to be on point. Don’t speculate, get advice from actual professionals and give me more than a paragraph on a good social topic. I may want to donate to a well-researched cause mentioned in the book. Or may take interest in a hobby mentioned. Or explore a career.......please, don't skimp.

3. The story has to leave some things to the imagination. I don't need to know every little detail about every character in the book. The store clerk does not have to have a significant, meaningful part to be introduced.....its ok for her character to just say hello, ring up the items, and never be mentioned again. I don't want to read in the last chapter that she was the one cheating with the husband. NOT!!!

4. The characters have to be engaged in activities other than the normal stereotype. I mean, Black women can do more than style hair, and all brothas don’t have baby-mama-drama.

5. Finally, the story CANNOT be predictable, but the ending has to be realistic. I mean, life does not always deal us with the outcomes we want.

So after reading After the Fall, I was very, very impressed. This young sistah did her thing, and left me anticipating reading her other books. And to think……her fiction novels glorify the Lord. Kudos to Ryan!!!!

It's About Time

It’s Monday, and I’m ok with it. Not the normal blues I usually feel during this time. But I’m ok today. And it kinda feels weird. You know what I’ve noticed…………..that when I have a productive weekend---especially a productive Sunday---I fall into Monday with ease and great expectation.

Ok, so what better way to confirm my “theory” than with a message I heard on television this morning. I was watching Joyce Meyer---not always in agreement with all of her messages, but I will listen to her in the mornings while I’m getting dressed. But she was talking about T-I-M-E. She said something that is oh so true. She said that how we spend our time is just as important as how we spend our money. She said that the funny thing is…..is that although we all may not have the same amount of money, we all have the same amount of time. We all may not have $24 a day, but we all have 24 hours a day. How we use it makes all the difference.

And so you know me……I started thinking. I guess the first thing I want to say is that I do admit taking for granted when I hear people say……time is winding up. Hearing that makes me think of the rapture and the world ending. But I guess I take it for granted because I know that there are prophecies, according to the Word, that have yet to be fulfilled prior to the Lord’s return. But I don’t stop to think that I’m not going to live forever and that I may not live to see the rapture in my life span. Thinking about it, at 38 years old I only have a good 40 years more to accomplish my life’s mission, and that's if the Lord allows me to live that long. If He does, then that’s already half my life completed!! Just typing this I’m thinking…….what have I done with the first half of my life??????? I mean, I have had quite a few self-accomplishments but none that I can say I have won souls to Christ. At least, not that I know of. I mean, I try to live my life as a Godly example, but have I really put myself out there to win souls for Christ. I mean, I do study God's Word, attend church, and try to stay in a positive environment, but that's a given. That's what I'm supposed to do as a Christian. That's just maintenance and preparation to being an effective witness. That's not actually witnessing and winning souls to Christ. I mean, have I really spent half my life just preparing?? Just preparing seems so selfish and closed-mined. It's getting poured into, but not pouring out. Very one-sided. Ugh!! I'm full of it and still feel empty. Man, that’s a very scary thought.

Ok, so it’s time. It's time, it's time, it's time. I understand and accept responsibility.

--It’s time to utilize all of my gifts and talents to fulfill the purpose of God for my life.

--It’s time to stop evaluating my mission by my money.

--It’s time to stop waiting for the right…..whatever….and proceed with what I’ve got.

--It’s time to stop making excuses and looking for man’s approval.

--It’s time to stop being afraid and trust God totally.

--It’s time to stop trying to figure out the big picture and focus on the view that’s at hand.

--It’s time to stop procrastinating and just do it!

--It's time to stop focusing on me, and proceed in God's purpose for those whom He has called.

“ ‘I the LORD have spoken. The time has come for me to act. I will not hold back; I will not have pity, nor will I relent. You will be judged according to your conduct and your actions, declares the Sovereign LORD.’ ” --Ezekiel 24"14

Forty Years in the Wilderness

It’s Friday!!!! And I don’t know why I have so much energy because I’m usually tired on Fridays. Especially since my Thursday evening of planned rest turned into a two-hour stroll through Target. I ended up getting in the bed close to midnight, and woke up around 5am-ish. And still not tired. Umph!!

Ok, so I woke up this morning thinking about a conversation I had with my girlfriend Elizabeth this week. We had been talking about not being able to get around what the Lord instructs. If the Lord tells us to do something, not doing it will only prolong His will, and leave us straggling in disobedience---wandering through the wilderness. We were actually referring to another situation, and so I didn't take the conversation personally. Cause I’m pretty good at being obedient to the Will of God. At least I’d like to think I am. I mean, if I hear clear instructions in which I KNOW is His voice, I will adhere. But I’d have to admit……sometimes I do miss the mark.

So I’m up at 5am thinking about the story of the Israelites and wondering why it was so heavily on my mind, and more importantly thinking……Lord, you trying to tell me something.

………They came back to Moses and Aaron and the whole Israelite community at Kadesh in the Desert of Paran. There they reported to them and to the whole assembly and showed them the fruit of the land. They gave Moses this account: “We went into the land to which you sent us, and it does flow with milk and honey! Here is its fruit. But the people who live there are powerful and the cities are fortified and very large. We even saw descendants of Anak there. The Amalekites live in the Negev; the Hittites, Jebusites and Amorites live in the hill country; and the Canaanites live near the sea and along the Jordan.”

Then Caleb silenced the people before Moses and said, “We should go up and take possession of the land, for we can certainly do it.” But the men who had gone up with him said, “We can't attack those people; they are stronger than we are.” And they spread among the Israelites a bad report about the land they had explored. They said, “The land we explored devours those living in it. All the people we saw there are of great size. We saw the Nephilim there (the descendants of Anak come from the Nephilim). We seemed like grasshoppers in our own eyes, and we looked the same to them.” ---Numbers 13:26-33

Ok, so you know the rest of the story………God told the Israelites that the Promised Land was theirs. He gave them precise instructions, but their fear, doubt, and negativity got the best of them causing them to take matters into their own hands. So the Lord let them do their thing. As a result, they wandered around the wilderness for 40 years before getting to their promised destination when it could have taken just days to get to there. But one of the significant parts of this story is that although the Israelites were walking in disobedience, the Lord still kept His promise. The sad part is that……….they could have received their blessing a little sooner. And without unnecessary drama, had they been obedient and trusted God.

So today I’m at work and going through my bills and I come across that infamous Capital One statement and I get depressed. I can’t even remember what the heck I charged. My monthly payments, I’m just figuring out, are just enough to pay the over-the-limit fees. And I have to admit, the card is one of those that I carry needlessly. I don’t even know why I opened the account years ago because I didn’t need the credit. Ok, let me clarify……..its not that my “big stash of cash” was drowning my needs…….what I didn’t need was an extra bill. But Capital One gave me an offer I couldn’t refuse, and I fell for it.

Now I’m looking at the bill and it’s in the thousands. I’m sitting dumb-founded. I’m actually pissed. Cause I got GOT. And have been getting GOT for the last 4 years. Then I remember……oh that is probably them who keeps calling from those 800 numbers I’ve been ducking. Ok, now they’re calling my MUTHURR. Nope, can’t have that. They’re saying I’m 16 days past due and I need to make a payment as soon as possible.

So after lunch, I get up the nerve to call….Capital One. Umph!! The rep tells me that my account has been transferred to the collections department. No, no, no……..don’t like the collections department. So I’m on hold trying to get up my please-feel-sorry-for-me voice, and the rep comes on. She gives me a breakdown of my bill for the last year and other than the over-the-limit fees and service charges, she informs me that there was a purchase made at the Kenneth Cole Rancho Cordova in May 2007 for $329.67. Huh!!!! I’m confused. Cause why is the bill almost $2,000 if I only charged $329---over a year ago!!!! I mean, I do remember using the card to pay my realtor association dues once or twice, but other than that…….I don’t use the card!!! So I lose my cool. I mean, other than seeing all fifty states before I turn 50, my main goal in life is to not go into my marriage with debt. Especially not this petty debt----student loans maybe----but not $2,000 for astronomical services fees and a purse. And speaking of the purse, I have never even used it. Just saw it in my closet last night and made a mental note to carry it this fall. I mean, I luuvs the bourbon-colored purse----but I didn't think it would cost me $2,000 and a headache!!! So I take a deep breath, and I say apologetically……..how much would you settle for to close this account today???? And after much whining, negotiating, finagling……and let-me-talk-to-my-manager holds…..the rep says, “We can settle this debt today for $887.00. PAID!!…..I shout.

As soon as I hung up…….I was reminded again of the Israelites.

Calgon, Take Me Away

Talk about a busy, busy day. I knew it was gonna be one when I woke up and said without thinking……I’m coming home early and getting in the bed. Perhaps it was the residual affects of the Nighttime Benadryl I took after 10p last night (gotta stop doing that!!), or maybe it's just the thought of being close to Friday---but not. I was tired, no doubt. But knew I had too much on the to-do list today to call in “sick”.

Ok, so I’m on the train this morning and I get an “urgent” call from my oldest sister. When I answered she starts telling me her “urgency” which of course is something that cracks me up----causing my fellow passengers to look at me like I’m crazy. I burst out laughing and tell her that I’ll call her back as soon as I get to the office. But as soon as I walk through the doors, LITERALLY, four people are competing for my attention and are in my face with stuff. My acting supervisor gets preferential treatment since my boss is on two-week leave. She immediately pulls me into a “must-do-now” task. As she and I are on our way down to the grants office to do a little research, another colleague stops us to get clarification on a request. So we’re delayed a good 45 minutes going back and forth with him on something that is really irrelevant to his opinion. When we get down to the grants office, ahh………we find what we’re looking for. As I’m trying to make a mad dash to the copier room I run smack dab into Sandra, an associate/colleague, who I hadn’t spoken to in about a month. Ok, here we go. I guess I had the…….GIVE ME A PROPHECY sign pasted on my forehead again because she read me. And I listened. Cause I respect her position in the Lord.

I return upstairs looking like a little girl wandering carelessly through the fields with papers falling out of my folder. I do a great big sigh as I think about what my colleague just told me---which is confirmation to a dream I had a few nights ago---and so I exhale. I glance at my red and white McDonald's cup and see that my poor sweet tea is now watered down. My message light is blinking on both my cell and office phones. And then I realized that I hadn’t even turned on my computer. And it’s now close to noon. Shucks. I start thinking about my conference call at 2:30p in which I haven’t even reviewed the proposal that is the subject of the call. Then I remember that its payday and I need to pay my mortgage---umph! I reach in my bag for my checkbook to begin doing my bi-weekly balancing act, and then my phone rings. It’s my buddy who’s trying to fix my home computer and is reminding me to call Gateway to order the recovery disk. I hang up right away and start to dial the 800 number. I'm holding for about a good 15 minutes and get a call from my girlfriend Elizabeth who says she needs to discuss something really important with me. Not normal for Elizabeth to do, so I drop my call and run to see about her. My mouth falls open to what she tells me. Wow!! This time it was a revelation to a prophecy I had given to her.

I return back to my desk and realize that my computer finally boots up. Emails are popping up galore. Reminders from the director, and somehow I’ve been designated to coordinate the staff luncheon next week and so that explains why I’m getting emails entitled……I CHOOSE BEEF and FISH FOR ME. My phone rings again, and it’s my sister. I try to talk to her, but remember that I need to call Gateway again and…….oh my goodness…….pay my mortgage. At this point, I’m getting a little inundated.

As I’m on hold with Gateway, I check my personal email and see a reminder ad for the Chante Moore concert tomorrow night at the Strathmore. And without thinking I click on the BUY TICKETS NOW icon and purchase one ticket for tomorrow nights show for just me, myself, and I. Nope, don’t want nobody to go with me, I just want to go by myself. After I purchase the ticket I start thinking………I never been to a concert alone before. Then the thought fades, and the lonliness drips off. And then I think......shucks, if my little sister (who usually travels in a pact of college girls) can go to the Beyonce concert by herself then hey………I can go hear some smooth jazz by myself.

At 4:00p I go down my to-do list:

1. Finalize the Healthy Marriage FY 09 Proposal grid – (CHECK )
2. Draft One-Pager on the Healthy Marriage Program for ACF – (CHECK)
3. Review Collaboration Pilot Proposal – (CHECK)
4. Conference Call with JFCS to Discuss Collaboration Pilot Proposal – (CHECK)
5. Review Healthy Marriage Program Evaluation Tool Proposal – (CHECK)
6. Coordinate Conference Call with Grantees to Discuss Healthy Marriage Curriculum for FY 09 – (CHECK)
7. Balance my checkbook – (CHECK)
8. Pay my mortgage – (CHECK)
9. Order recovery disk from Gateway – (CHECK)
10. Call my sister back – (CHECK)
11. Return Jeanette and Renika’s calls – (CHECK)

It’s now 5:07p, and I’m going home early tonight!!!

Going to the Next Level

Alrighty, I think I need to do a sermon in this entry----LOLOL. Only because there seems to be this continuous false cloud that a lot of us Christians are floating on and it seems to be going in circles----and evaporating with time and dropping us off at the same discontent place we started at. So here goes:

Ok, so the subject of “motivation” came up last Thursday as me and my mother were having a Mother-Daughters Day. I had picked my mother up, and as we were driving to Virginia to visit my eldest sister the conversation casually presented itself. Don’t remember how it started but I remember my mother saying…….. “See I really like to hear [such and such] preach because I’m really into motivational speaking.” My eyes rolled up into my head---without her seeing me of course---and out of nowhere I responded with……. “I don’t need to hear another motivational nothing!!! I got enough Word and knowledge in me to get me going. What I need now is to continue walking in faith!!!” I certainly didn’t mean to flip out on my MUTHURRR, but it is so disheartening to keep seeing this new movement of “mega-evangelists” fooling God’s people. Ok, I ain’t gonna go as far as saying fooling, but what they’re giving is HALF TRUTHS. I remember hearing my former pastor saying that we have to be careful of what we are told is God’s Word because lots of messages are just motivational speaking. And over the years I've found that he is so right. That’s why each has to know the Word for thyself.

So last night I’m at home chilling and watching one of my favorite television networks, and a certain ministry comes on. Now, I’m really picky and particular of what I watch----I guess you’d know that by now----but I try hard not to be critical. I mean, I’m one of those ones who believe wholeheartedly in giving a person a second chance, but first impressions are lasting impressions. But as my mother say…..you gotta learn how to chew the meat and spit out the bones-----and so I will give a second chance. Like Creflo Dollar. Ok, I gave him about 10 chances---lolol----because I was turned off just by his name until I saw a television special on him and he said that Dollar is his birth name. But the first time I heard him speak, he was pushing prosperity like Mo'Nique pushes Alize. Not to mention the continuous rumors about him and money. And so I was turned off—completely. But over the years, I’d tune in every now and again—that’s if nothing else was on. However, it wasn’t until recently that I’d stumbled across a sermon in which he broke down how to walk in faith and I have to say…..not only did I receive a Word from the Lord, but my knowledge was increased and my walk improved----you go Creflo---and so I’m learning how to not speak negatively over the men (and women) of God. I’m learning!!

But I came across a certain ministry and I have to admit I was like----ok (sigh). Wait a minute….let me explain…I hesitated only because this sistah’s messages are, again, those rah-rah messages and all I want is straight Word. But I watched. In fact I had started to watch the same ministry and message on Sunday evening, but I just couldn’t do it. So last night I said…..JILL, SIT STILL AND LISTEN…..and so I humbled myself and sat still on the sofa to watch the sermon entitled….. “It’s Time to Go to the Next Level”. Or something like that.

So the famous tele-evangelist gives the foundational scripture, Matthew 9:20-22, about the woman with the issue of blood.

……Just then a woman who had been subject to bleeding for twelve years came up behind him and touched the edge of his cloak. She said to herself, “If I only touch his cloak, I will be healed.” Jesus turned and saw her. “Take heart, daughter,” he said, “your faith has healed you.” And the woman was healed from that moment.

Now I have to be honest…..I can’t remember if her reference scripture was that out of Matthew or Luke. I just know it was the story of the woman with the issue of blood.

So the tele-evangelist, I won’t mention her name, read the part of the scripture where it said……the woman touched the hem of his garment, and all of a sudden the tele-evangelist tells the congregation to look at their neighbor and say…..IT’S TIME TO GET UP!!! Ok, here we go. Now don’t get me wrong, some of us Christians have been down and out for too long and for the same shallow reasons. And yes, somebody needs to get the message across that its time to…..get up…..and come out of the lowly place where some of us have been stuck for years. But prefacing the message of Going to the Next Level with the story of the woman with the issue of blood don’t go together. In fact, if she really wanted to "give a message" to the congregation she should have said…….IT’S TIME TO GET DOWN!! Because it was the woman’s lowly place that increased her faith to humble herself to fall down low and say that if she could only touch the hem of the Lord’s garment she knew she would be healed. This story has nothing to do with a woman being inferior, or being stuck in a low place. It has to do with FAITH. In fact, it has to do with superior cause its one of the greatest testimonies of having great faith. The scripture in Luke says that the Lord felt his power leave him and go to the woman in her lowly state and she was healed. Talk about power being poured down. Who in their right mind would want to be standing upright in all their self-glory and miss out on God’s power, and healing, and for him to say…..your faith has healed you!!!!! Apparently the congregation because they were shouting…..it’s time to get up!!! It’s time to get up!!!!!

It just bothers me that we can “motivate” people so much in the moment, but during the week, when we’re at our weakest, we’re without our pompoms. And so it’s just becoming so clearer to me that God’s Word should not only be used on a daily but it has to be imbedded, imbedded, imbedded…..and we have to continuously plant it deep down in our day-to-day lives. If not, we’ll keep being misled and miserable. And searching for false hope.

No Sir!

Ok, I had an experience this weekend and I'm about to get a little personal (well I’m gonna try not to divulge too much info), so bear with me as I creatively write this without offending anyone.

So a girlfriend invites me to her house over the weekend. I was in the area, so I accepted the invitation. And I had been promising her for months that I’d stop by to see her new “mcmansion”, and since I don’t like reneging on promises.......I felt it my duty to go. Can I just admit that I’ve been a little hesitant to see this girlfriend only because a lot of my “unsaved” friends I kinda cut back. Ok, let me explain. It’s not that I think that I’m better; it’s just that the conversations and lifestyle that I once enjoyed with my unsaved girlfriends (men, making money, and men and their money---lol) no longer interests me. I am truly focused on the Lord, and I thirst for His will daily. Can’t explain it. It’s just this realm of peace and protection that carries me. You know that “being in God’s will” feeling. And if they’re not in that same place then……….gotta keep moving.

So I get to my girlfriend’s house and she gives me the tour. Luuuvs the house. Almost wish I’d sold it to her, but she’s been dedicated to her realtor for her last three houses (way before she knew me), and…………I understand the realtor loyalty thingy. And so as I’m touring the house my girlfriend’s new live-in boyfriend comes home with his bestfriend. Introductions are exchanged, and he greets me with a “oh so you’re Jill---you’re family”. Umph!!! Ok, although this “new man” seems to be ten times better than the last smoocher, I began to worry again that my girlfriend is being bamboozled. I mean she has so much going for her and her "men" seem to be the ones benefiting. I wonder who's paying for that new tricked-out car that's pulled up into her garage, next to her SUV. Hmmmm……..from our last incident in which I almost went to jail for assaulting a 40-year old drunk for taking advantage of my sweet friend, I knew I needed to keep my concerns and opinions to myself. She’s a grown woman and been in enough of these situations---apparently she’s getting some type of satisfaction. So I digress on her personal choices.

After making the tour and endulging in shallow conversation, I decided it was time to make my trek home. I had a long way to go, and a laundry list of things I needed to do before my weekend got away from me. As I’m riding home, I began to think about my situation and why I’m not married at 38 years old. Umph, I could be married if I really wanted to be----but I refuse to settle, I kept thinking. I mean, when I wasn’t seeking God dude had better come correct. But now that I KNOW God…………..oh, He sets the standards for me now---and if you think mine were outrageous..........whew!!

I finally reach home, and as I’m in the middle of checking the mail, greeting my neighbor, and licking the ice cream that’s dripping down my cone, I feel my cell phone vibrating. Wait a minute! I yell to the phone. And as fast as I could reach down in my purse and push the talk button I hear my girlfriend say……… “Hey, I got a proposition for you.” Hmmmmm………….I knew what it was before she even said it. Apparently her boyfriend’s bestfriend took an interest in me, and wants to get to know me a little better. So my girlfriend (with the others input—I guess) proposed a private cook-out on Sunday with just the four of us, and then a walk on the beach afterwards since the beach is just minutes away from her house. At first I was flattered. I mean, I’ve been vulnerable for an “escape” but wasn’t quite sure how to go about it. And a nice local date---with no strings attached---might work. Shucks, I’m in need of some flattery. I mean, dude is attractive and I hear the chick next door---who owns the other mcmansion and pushing the jaguar---keeps flirting with him to no avail. Hmmmmm, my antenna goes up. Then I give my girlfriend the questionnaire:

1. Why isn’t he married, and when was his last relationship?
2. What type of work does he do?
3. Where does he live?

All questions were answered satisfactorily. But something just didn’t sit right. Ok, let me clarify. I have sense enough to know that just because a single brotha has his stuff together does not mean that there is a “catch”, nor does it mean that he is a “catch”. I mean, I’m open enough to at least find out what the real deal is without getting emotionally attached. And so I decided to be open for this brotha and perhaps have a nice dinner with friends.

But something just didn’t sit right in my Spirit.

So I told my girlfriend that I would get back with her shortly, as I had a lot to do which called for rearranging my priorities. When I hung up my imagination went running---OK I’M HUMAN and 100% WOMAN---dude could probably keep a smile on my face. LOLOL!!! I believe wholeheartedly in the man taking charge, and believe even more that the woman should let him. And from what my girlfriend divulged he could cover that bill. I mean a good looking brotha with a nice strong back………..WOW!!!

But something just didn’t sit right in my Spirit.

As the day progressed and evening fell, I still hadn’t called my girlfriend back. The unknown, my reluctance, and my flesh were all fighting against each other. I couldn’t even think straight. Other things were also going through my mind---IS THIS CHEATING---OR NOT TRUSTING GOD---I was clearly arguing with my thoughts. Then I thought, it’s Saturday and Kevin “Slow Jamming” James is getting ready to come on and so I’ll put on some music to “escape”. Or maybe I’ll watch a movie. Or maybe I’ll take a drive down to Charlestown and play the slots. The drive will be nice. And oh, I’ll be able to listen to my slow jams on the ride. Umph, hadn’t done that in a while.

Then it hits me!!!

This is how I know when I am out of the Will of God……….I’m a pure emotional wreck, I feel a tug in my Spirit---and arguing with myself----and the only activities that will keep me going are those that do not glorify the Lord. It feels like I'm in the middle of the ocean without a raft--IN THE DARK. And so I started thinking. And thinking because I haven’t been in this frame of mind for a couple years. And then I’m longing for the Lord, like I’m out on a limb alone. And then I feel His hand stretch towards the place in which I “temporarily” dropped His. And then I tell Him……THANK YOU because I hear His familiar voice. And at that point I was at peace again. And then I thought about my “friend”. My “special friend”. And even though our timing is off, and we can’t seem to synchronize our schedules, and the distance, and other personal things seem to interrupt us…….there is still peace when I think about him--us. And the closer I get to God, the closer I feel to him. And when I’m out of the Lord’s presence, I feel such a distance from my friend.

Then I get it. It’s not about the money, the looks, the career, the body, the degrees, the lineage, the past, the prestige, the popularity, the cars, the houses, or any other temporal thing. It’s purely about being in the Will of God. And even if my friend and I decide not to pursue more than a friendship, I now know what it feels like to have the Lord’s approval.

Umph. So I decided not to do dinner on Sunday and I'm sure my girlfriend is wondering what I'm thinking. I saw her number on my caller ID, but I didn't answer. I will return her phone call eventually, but how do I say NO SIR to my girlfriend’s boyfriend’s bestfriend without coming off snooty?

“No good tree bears bad fruit, nor does a bad tree bear good fruit.” ---Luke 6:43

SOLD!

Back in 1995, I attended a conference at my church and one of the guest speakers had preached a message entitled, “Put a rush on it!!” And so over the years, I’ve adopted that phrase and shout it in jest whenever I need the Lord to do something for me really really fast. I try not to do it often, because I am a patient person---at least I’d like to think so---but sometimes I just be needing a miracle on speed dial--lol.

Ok, so you know I’ve been having some financial woes since the decline of the real estate market, right (I think all of us real estate industry professionals have--lol). And although I have been hit with the STOP SPENDING-syndrome, it’s still taking my 2005-lifestyle a moment to adjust to 2008 (deep breath). I went from selling at least one home a month to selling one home………….ok, let me think……..my last settlement was…………..last September. Yes, last September! Man, it hurts me to think about it. But let me clarify---its not that I haven’t been working real estate since September, it’s just that none of my deals have been closing. Securing a loan and going through the “Third-Party Approval” process these days have killed a many of my clients homeownership dreams. I mean, yal I try. Really I do---lol. But thank God for that darn degree!! I mean, as long as I can fall back on my formal education, then I’m ok.

So I get a phone call in April from a couple who said ……. “my cousin said that you would be the best person to help us buy a home.” At first I was a little hesitant (I was thinking…..not again---not with these gas prices---and they’re looking to buy in HOWARD COUNTY!), but I don’t let my referrals down, and so I agreed to help them find a home. And it’s just something about working with couples that I am passionate about. So anyway, we go out looking and what’ll you know……..the perfect house was BANK-OWNED/THIRD-PARTY APPROAL REQUIRED. Shucks!!! But my clients liked the home, it fit their budget, and was perfect for their family…….and so it was my job to get them the home. So we put an offer in on May 28th. The entire month of June passes---no response. Then July hits----very little information. At that point, I had advised that we start looking again. So we started looking, and nothing was out there but more bank-owned. I mean, nothing.

But then on Monday, July 21st we get a phone call from the co-agent……….. “the seller’s bank accepted your offer!!!!!” I couldn’t believe it. But there was one catch……….the deal had to settle by July 31st. I’m like…..you mean next week??????????????????? Personally, I knew it couldn’t happen. I mean, I’ve sold enough houses over the past five years to know that a deal can’t close in one week. I mean, what about the appraisal and home inspections, and all of the other details that takes at least 30 days to schedule and complete. But I wasn’t arguing, I proceeded……….by faith.

Ok, to make a long story short…………..MY CLIENTS SETTLED ON THEIR NEW HOME ON YESTERDAY…….YES, JULY 31ST!!!! And I’d be a bold face liar if I claimed to have done it all by myself. But before I mention the awesome team of professionals who helped to close the deal, can I just say that this is the FIRST-----YES FIRST------deal that I’ve done (settled or not) that I have not had some type of conflict and/or other unprofessional resistance from someone on the team. It’s usually the co-agent (which is understandable when trying to negotiate for your client’s best interest) or the loan officer who feeds you bits of information, and that’s when he/she decides to answer calls. So this is the very first drama-free deal that I’ve had. I mean, other than my clients having first-time homebuyers’ jitters, and me having to hold their hands and rock them to sleep the night before settlement-----lolol------there was NO negativity.

Ok, so here goes:

Cynthia and Maria Cruz (co-agents from Long and Foster who represented the seller): Absolute professionals who refused to take voicemail from their client’s bank. Their persistence and tenacity taught me a thing or two.

Jeanette Kelly (settlement officer from Bankers Title and Settlements): I luuuvs seeing Ms. Jeanette. She ensures I get paid----lol. She even stays late to fulfill my clients dreams. On short notice she pulled the pre-hud together and squeezed us in to ensure we settled on the 31st. Also thanks to Jeanette’s processor, Kareemah who answered all my questions, provided documents on a rush, all with the sweetest personality. And thanks to Diane Moore-Eubanks, my settlement attorney, for ensuring that this bank-owned deal was in good hands with Bankers.

Tranay Colbert (loan officer from Countrywide Loans): Ok, I don’t know what to say here. All I can say is that I feel sorry for any other loan officers I use in the future (and that’s only if we cannot use Tranay). Not only did she pull the deal through in 7 days (cause we didn’t actually do the loan until Thursday, the 24th), but she took my phone call the night before settlement and answered all of my questions as she was out celebrating her birthday with family----yes, she excused herself at 9pm and handled her business!!!---but not only that………she came to settlement to ensure that my clients were straight. And she says she does it for ALL of her clients. She’s definitely set precedence.

And so you know I can’t leave this blog without given glory to God…….(whew!!) I mean, it had gotten so bad in my finances that I had just about threw up my hands to give up. I’ve been ducking and dodging, and robbing-peter-to-pay-paul for the last six months or so. It had come to the point where I didn’t even know what to pray for…….

In the same way, the Spirit helps us in our weakness. We do not know what we ought to pray for, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us with groans that words cannot express. ---Romans 8:26

But talk about putting a rush on my circumstances……………and just in time so that my credit is not affected……whew!!!!! Only God.

See satan, you still are defeated!!!!!!!!

And so after I pay my tithes and offerings……….then Capital One, Bloomingdales, Verizon, Comcast, Navy Federal Visa & Mastercard, Sprint, CMI, Statefarm, Pepco, Bally’s……..ok I think that’s about it---lol……will be paid in full. And I might be able to treat myself to a nice purse. HALLELUJAH!!!!!!