Thank You

I'm amazed. I am amazed!!!

On a regular, I get phone calls from my loved ones (family and friends) calling me out on an entry that they've read. A regular is my sister telling me.........you're always having a bad day and staying home from work. Most things going on in my life I either vent in my blog or keep to myself--you know between me and God. So my entries kinda keep my circle current on my life.

But every now and again I get an email from a reader that makes me smile. This feedback of encourgement is so uplifting. And the ones telling me that I've been uplifing to them sends me over. And it just reminds me that the Lord is the reason and is leading this instrument. I'm just being obedient.

So I decided to check the numbers of daily readers............OH MY GOODNESS!!!! You mean to tell me that all yal be logging in to hear about my life........WOW!!!

Thank You. But before I write another entry, I've gotta say one thing. A few months ago I received an email from a young lady in the UK. She told me that when she reads my entries she feels so much closer to God. She says she feels blessed through me. I just want those of you to know who are too feeling this way and obviously searching, that God so desires to have a closer relationship directly with you. And if you are unsure about your relationship with Christ, I encourage you to invite Him into your life right now. It is as easy as wholeheartedly repeating the following (but you GOTTA believe this):

Lord, I come to you as humbly as I know. I am a sinner, but know that You have died for my sins and have cleansed me from all unrighteousness. So I ask that you forgive me of my sins. I want to have a closer relationhship with you. I want you to guide my footsteps in every aspect of my life. I want you to override my will with Your will. I want you to govern each day of my life. So I ask that you fill me with Your Holy Spirit right now for I believe in my heart and confess with my mouth that You, Jesus, is Lord, the Christ who died on the cross and rose so that I may live. The Christ who sent His Holy Spirit on earth to be a guide for me and make decisions that will lead me to your ultimate plan for my life. So I receive you right now in Jesus Name amen.

If you've prayed the above from your gut, then you should now feel like a huge burden is lifted. You should now be feeling a freeness. From here, start reading the Word. If you don't have a Bible then go to Biblegateway. I say start with the Book of Acts. Acts talks about the start of Christianity and the forming of the church. This is after Christ rose from the dead and sent His Holy Spirit. At the same time, start developing your prayer life. Talk to God as if you're talking to a friend. Pour out your heart. Then find a good Bible-believing, Bible-teaching church. This, for some, seems challenging. But ask the Lord to lead you to the right ministry. He will. And if you really tune in to Christ, you will feel that confirmation. It will be clear. But bottomline, I can't tell you how to have a relationship with Christ. Your relationship is between you and Him. Please know that I'm your sister in Christ and am always here to extend encouragement. I'm just an email away. But I'll be the first to say that sometimes its not easy living a Godly life in an ungodly world. But I can't give up, and I know you won't give up either. And I'm praying for you all.

Welcome to the Body of Christ!!!!!!

“The word is near you, in your mouth and in your heart” (that is, the word of faith which we preach) that if you confess with your mouth the Lord Jesus and believe in your heart that God has raised Him from the dead, you will be saved. For with the heart one believes unto righteousness, and with the mouth confession is made unto salvation. --Romans 10:8-10

Dancing with the Star

Yes, yes, yes!!! I so wanted to get over this “I don’t give a darn” attitude that I‘ve been carrying all week. I can’t take it anymore. And its not that its hopelessness or depression, but more like a melancholy feeling. Like whatever happens, happens. Almost a giving up feeling.

So I woke up this morning about 7am-ish. You’d think I would sleep straight til noon since me and my mother watched the debate together over the phone last night, analyzing until the wee hours of the morning, and picking back up throughout the day today. But I was wide awake early listening to the rain drops on my window.

At about 8am I called my sister. I actually woke her up. Of course I had to get her analysis and debate opinions. After a good hour or so of her making me laugh hysterically, I told her that I needed to call [my friend] to get a crash course on the “surge”. If ole Rocky was said to have messed up on this issue then I wanted to get down to the nitty gritty.

After politicking with my loved ones, I decided to turn the channel and watch E! news. Nope, nothing else interesting was on. Rich celebrities woes. As I was watching I started dozing off. And as I drifted into zones one and two, I started having the weirdest dream. I dreamt that my ceiling fan broke (the one in my bedroom) and Kim Kardashian wrote me a check for $248 to purchase a new one. Now, as Rocky would say………LET ME BE CLEAR. Perhaps Ms. KK was the last feature on E! that I remember. But I can assure you that I have no interests or similarities with her and have no reason to dream about her. But she wrote me the check, in the dream, and I was ecstatic. I purchased the most beautiful ceiling fan with these really pretty bamboo fan-shaped blades. I was so grateful to Kim.

After the weird dream, I woke up early afternoon. And my body was aching. I was overly tired, exhausted, and just wanted to stay in the bed. But I knew I had to go to the gym since I missed a couple days this week. So I pulled myself out the bed and dragged myself to put on my gym clothes. I checked a few emails and was about to take my One-a-Day Energy vitamin and felt like I was collapsing. So I sat on the sofa contemplating whether I should even go out in the rain. But my mind was reasoning that I needed to go to the grocery store anyway to pick up a few items. So I talked my way out the door.

As I was pulling out the parking lot, I felt like I was pregnant. Like I wanted to pull over and take a nap. No energy whatsoever. I didn’t even have the energy to take my vitamin. So I cancelled my gym plans and went straight to the Giant. As I’m walking through, I’m dragging. I pick up the quickest items and then make a mad dash out the store. I think I even rolled my eyes at the two sistahs trying to collect for needy children. Not today was my attitude. I know, I know……not my normal gesture. I was certainly having a bad day. A bad week.

When I returned home, I was too lazy to even check the mailbox. I struggled to climb up the stairs to my third-floor unit and almost passed out lugging my three little bags and umbrella. When I got in I put the few items I purchased away. Ok wait. Gotta be honest here. A few items I left on the counter with the other items I purchased this week that I was too lazy to put away. Then I grabbed my bag of cheetos, my book, and got back in the bed. Then I drifted back off to sleep. Talk about good rest. When I woke up it was close to 5pm. I was still exhausted. It hurt to even open up my bag of chips, not to mention trying to start my new good book. I was completely out of it.

Then my niece called. I talked to her for a while and asked her if Auntie could call her back. She was in the middle of writing a “mystery” and wanted to get my feedback. Aww, a nine year-old’s mystery. As much as I wanted to hear it, and she knows if no one else would be interested her Auntie would be, but I didn’t have the strength. I just didn’t have the strength to even listen to my niece. At this point, I knew I was sinking into something that I didn‘t know how to get out of. The debate last night obviously gave me a false-sense of excitement, but of course that didn’t last. After it was clear that Rocky was leading, the enthusiasm subsided. So I lay in the bed feeling like I had just come to the pit's door.

Then something miraculously happened.

Ok, its moments like this that confirms that God is real. Out of nowhere…..don’t know how. Don’t know why. Don’t know when. But the Holy Spirit lifted me out of the bed and gave me energy that baffles me even as I write this entry. I jumped up out of the bed and ran through the house and turned EVERY light on. Darkness had to go.

First, I washed my hair. As the deep conditioner sat under a towel, the Holy Spirit led me to my computer to turn on music. Any other Saturday evening, it is slow jams, but I wasn’t feeling that kind of music. I was thirsting for some praise and worship. So I logged into Pandora.com and clicked on my pre-selected station of Fred Hammond’s music. Then it started. I cleaned the kitchen from top to bottom. I discovered pots and pans that I didn't even know I had. I pulled the stove apart, opened up every cabinet, and even cleaned the trash can.

Then I dusted and vacuumed the living/dining rooms, and cleaned my den. Then I rinsed the conditioner out of my hair and set it. Then I went into the laundry room and folded EVERY stitch of clothing that I washed over the last two weeks and was too lazy to fold and put away. I had several washed sheet sets just sitting in a laundry basket. I started to get mad at myself cause I HATE wrinkled sheets. Ok, my linen is a big pet peave. But I just shut my mouth and kept folding.

Then I heard it.

One of my favorite songs by Fred Hammond, Lord Your Grace, on his Free to Worship project came up on Pandora. All of a sudden I just went into a dance as if I was in a club on the dance floor all alone. And then I started crying uncontrollably and giving God the praise as I listened to the words:

As I look back over all the years that I made it through
I can't imagine where I'd be now if it wasn't for You
Why Your favor rests upon me I could never explain
But I'm so glad that I can say

Your grace in my life lasts forever
Your goodness and mercy and grace lasts forever
Your grace in my life lasts forever
And I'm so glad that I can say

I mean, the more I cried the harder I danced. I danced all over this place. Just listening to the chorus pouring into my Spirit. And at this point, I felt connected again. I felt God’s strength. I felt His power. And I felt life. Again.

And then it hit me. The fan that Kim Kardashian bought me in my dream symbolizes a new flow of air. My old fan was broken. And by Ms. KK giving it to me is a reminder that sometimes we don’t know how God is going to come through, but He uses the most inopportune time to refill us with His power. God can use anything and anybody to fulfill His will. And I’ve just learned to expect it.

Blessing Alert!

Ooooooh, you can tell when the Lord is blessing cause the devil gets busy.

Ok, so I get home on Wednesday evening and there’s a memo under my door of a complaint from my neighbors---the one directly under me, and the one directly under her. The complaint basically said that they both had water damage to their utility rooms and felt that it was caused by my air conditioner unit. Hmmmmm. Ok. I was then advised to call my homeowners association immediately.

So yesterday I called my HOA and spoke with the manager. He told me that my neighbors’ complaint was that they both had damage to their units that occurred in early August. Early August? That's when my neighbor was off to another state getting married---for the entire month. And why would the other neighbor wait so late to file a complaint, I kept thinking. The manager too was unsure of the complaint's lateness. Hmmmmm. Basically, my neighbors are holding me responsible to pay for all of the repairs and replacements of their utility rooms. NOT.

Ok, first off………they do not know who they are dealing with. Ironically, I mentioned both of these neighbors in past entries and find it very, very interesting that the devil would use them to gang up on me. I could go further into the complaint and elaborate on proof and evidence that I am not the cause of their mess, but I understand the set up and refuse to entertain it. In fact, I’ll wait to use my “attorney” skills when it is most necessary---in front of my accusers.

But I suspect this is the reason why the devil is upset. See, I’ve been searching for a "certain" certificate program that would be conducive to my schedule and budget. The closest I came was a program that had a flexible schedule, but the tuition was about $3,000. Nope, not for me. So I continued my research and pursuit.

Then the blessing came. I came across the PERFECT program and the director informed me that she would waive my tuition costs if I agreed to apply my services at no-charge to their non-profit organization six times a year. OH MY GOODNESS!!!! Of course I would. Talk about a blessing!!! I immediately enrolled. It just feels so right in my Spirit.

A couple days after expressing my interest, I was contacted by the program director. She interviewed me over the phone and was so impressed that she asked if I would be interested in training to be an instructor of the course in the future. Wow!! After we hung up, I was given all of the necessary materials to start the program on September 30!!! I couldn’t believe it. My textbook even came within 2 days. I am so excited. All of this happened last week. Then my neighbors hit me with this bull crap this week. Man, they really don’t know who they’re messing with.

“Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid or discouraged because of the king of Assyria and the vast army with him, for there is a greater power with us than with him. With him is only the arm of flesh, but with us is the LORD our God to help us and to fight our battles.” -- 2 Chronicles 32:7-8

Breaking All the Rules

Oh so appropriate. I received an email from a prayer partner saying that our next meeting’s theme would be, “Breaking the Rules to Religious Traditions”. I got the email yesterday and kinda snagged a part of the theme as the motto for my last two days.

Is it just me……

Sometimes I get in the mood where I don’t feel like following any doggone rules. Like always being the nice girl. I mean, being courteous is a natural for me, but yesterday I didn’t feel like letting everybody in front of me as we boarded the bus. Not that I wanted to ensure a seat and be selfish, I just didn’t feel like standing in one place so I pushed my way to the front.

Ok, so you know I didn’t go to the gym last night. Didn’t feel like it. When I got home the plan was to wash and set my hair. Didn’t feel like it. I had cooked a nice healthy dinner on Tuesday evening and planned to finish off the leftovers for dinner last night, but I didn’t feel like eating that. I actually settled for two pudding pops, a bag of microwaveable popcorn, and a tall glass of Minute Maid lemonade. I grabbed my items, climbed in my bed at around 8:30p, and watched the House of Payne until I drifted off to sleep.

This morning, I was supposed to do the usual…….but because I failed to properly prepare last night my morning’s to-do list turned into to-didn’t. I was invited to a reception at the Congressional Black Caucus this evening, but I didn’t feel like being a career woman today. So instead of wearing a suit, I settled for a casual pair of pants and a sweater (yes sweater!) and I called it a day. I was hoping that my girlfriend Elizabeth would understand my last minute renege. Unfortunately, she was very disappointed and looked me up and down as if to say……….just go back home cause you look like you don’t want to be here today.

Breakfast. Aww, breakfast. Three chocolate chip cookies and a large sweet tea from McDonalds. I didn’t feel like oatmeal. Neither did I have the time to make it this morning. And my healthy lunch……..well, it was my friend John’s farewell luncheon today so I had to splurge. Yes, the fried fisherman's platter from Pier 7. I mean, it was for John.

Now I’m sitting here bored and eating a cup of orange chocolate chip sherbet which replaces my regular fruit snack. I clearly have work to do. I have to meet a crucial deadline by next Tuesday. I’m getting reminder emails as I type, but…….I don’t feel like it. It’s a rainy, cool day and I don’t feel like following any regular, redundant norms. I just want to be off the clock for a day or two and enjoy life without limits.

If this entry doesn't make sense, serve as confirmation to your personal situation, or is filled with grammatical errors.......oh well.

All in a Days Work

I had one of those days yesterday. It started early yesterday morning. About 3 or 4am-ish. I couldn’t sleep. I know it was the sinuses. They usually peek in during this time of the season. So I took my ole faithful---Benadryl. Finally, I got to sleep around the 6 o’clock hour and ended up oversleeping. So……I called in.

At about noon, I was going CRAZY!! Of course it was too late to trek downtown to work, but I was getting depressed thinking about the rest of an unproductive day. A wasted day, I kept thinking. Talk about a depressing thought. And then I thought about my future and having to stay home with a newborn. And then I felt like I was going through postpartum---and I'm single and childless (lol). My thoughts were affecting my physical and I couldn’t take it. So I took a long hot shower, threw on some bikers and a t-shirt, and went to the gym. I was clearly bored. When I finally got to the gym, the equipment was like a smorgasbord. Hmmmm, what shall I do first. I started off on the treadmill. But even at a 3.3 speed and 2.0 incline, I was bored. So I kept taking it up a notch. When I finally looked up at the clock it was still just a few minutes after 2pm. So I kept walking til I got up to a 10 incline. I was in my groove. I ended up staying on the treadmill for an hour and a half!!! Then I got on the elliptical for another 30 minutes. I just didn’t feel like going back home and drown in idle thoughts.

(Deep breath). Ok. Can somebody explain to me the hyped dream of wanting to work from home????? Working from home has got to be the loneliest, most depressing job in the world. I tried it before so I feel like I can fairly express my opinion. Not being able to say a “good morning” to your colleagues or attend abrupt meetings, or have someone pop in your office to have a quick chat or ask to go to lunch with you......is depressing to say the least. It leaves too much time for reasoning and idle thinking. Now don’t get me wrong, I do know of some folk who master the art of working from home and are very successful at it. And if you are a mom I’m sure this is ideal. I think I’d want to opt for this my darn self if I was a mom. But on the flip side----it’s a slow death.

I know several people who stay at home and the funny thing is…..they all complain, complain, complain. Not because they can't work, but because they don't want to work and so everything around them is an issue. Too much thinking time on their hands. I had a girlfriend who stayed at home all day and every time I visited her, her house would be a complete wreck. I used to not understand, but now I do. Being home all day sucks the life straight out of you. Your days begin to close in and then your body starts to physically hurt. She'd complain that her head hurts and her back hurts. It’s a sickness. A mental sickness that manifests in the physical. Depression perhaps. A true disconnect from society. Like you're living your life through the internet or through television characters, but no real connections. Ugh!!

So I got up this morning all sleepy and tired. I was about to complain. But then I caught myself. I took a long deep thought........I may have to submit to authority, but I have purpose and accountability and responsibility. And when my day ends, my spirit is renewed cause I conquered something. And have opportunity to express myself, and encourage someone, and to receive feedback, and dialog, and communicate, and learn a thing or two from somebody else. And although I get tired running for the bus, or upset because my boss altered my day, or get an unwanted phone call from a grantee that I must cater to on the spot, or perhaps I was overlooked for a promotion..... but its ok. Cause I get through it. And I've gotten through it for over 20 years now. And as a result, I have grown---mind, body, and soul. And knowing this makes my tomorrow even brighter.

My First Love

There's not much I can say other than that I REPENT. I came across this scripture twice this weekend in two different books. One book that I was finishing, and the other that I'm just starting to read. When I saw it the first time I couldn't believe it. I read it over and over and over. Gotta admit, I don't read Revelation often and so I could see how I've missed this. But seeing it again in a total different book on a totally different subject matter stopped me still in my tracks. And I knew the Lord was speaking directly to me.

Anybody who knows me knows that my patience is always on overdrive. And I persevere and work hard to maintain a Chrisitan life. And I can't stand the wickedness of false, selfish preachers. But in all that, somewhere I must have forgotten my first love. And it breaks my heart. It breaks my heart that I've worked so hard to be a Christian yet I miss intimacy with my first love. So Lord I REPENT and I ask that you forgive me. --jill

I know your deeds, your hard work and your perseverance. I know that you cannot tolerate wicked men, that you have tested those who claim to be apostles but are not, and have found them false. You have persevered and have endured hardships for my name, and have not grown weary. Yet I hold this against you: You have forsaken your first love. Remember the height from which you have fallen! Repent and do the things you did at first. If you do not repent, I will come to you and remove your lampstand from its place. But you have this in your favor: You hate the practices of the Nicolaitans, which I also hate. He who has an ear, let him hear what the Spirit says to the churches. To him who overcomes, I will give the right to eat from the tree of life, which is in the paradise of God. --Revelation 2:2-8

The Top of the Hill

This week has been amaaaazing. It is definitely harvest time.

Ok, for me, I know when I’m transitioning because strange things start happening---like when my friend Chris revealed his deepest feelings for me the other night. And career opportunities are being presented to me by the hour. And my family are all copasetic. Yes, strange and abnormal occurrences. And then I had this strange urge to increase my incline on the treadmill to TEN and have been maintaining that level for 25 minutes all week. In addition to that, I had a really strange dream on Tuesday. I dreamt that the two dearest people to me were having an affair. And my heart was broken. And in the dream I cried and cried and cried, almost to the point where I was crying when I woke up.

So all week I’ve been having these feelings of needing to release and needing to move forward and really making the best decisions for my walk with the Lord and the journey He has for me. You know fully accepting Him. Gotta admit, for the last couple of months I think I’ve been manipulating God’s will. I mean, I ask for His perfect will, but then I ask for specifics that could be contrary to His perfect will. So, I’m learning to be totally open for God. Really I am. And I want to be open for I truly understand that it’s not about me and my desires, but what God desires for me. And if any thing, person, or situation threatens that then………..

So this week I wholeheartedly asked the Lord to override my will for His will. And this morning something happened.

Ok, so I had a meeting on the Hill (Capitol Hill) this morning and had to be out the house an hour earlier. Wait let me go back to yesterday. Ok, yesterday, I started having these strange feelings…..can’t really explain it, but it was like I walked into a realm of peacefulness-----a place of peace where I’ve never been. I mean, don’t get me wrong, if I was to narrow down any fleshly reason why I love being a Christian it will be because of the peace of God. I mean, if I never got what I asked for on this earth, and other than just walking by faith, I know that God is real because of His peace. But this peace that I walked into yesterday was a deeper level of peace and very unfamiliar.

Ok, I’m not trying to make this difficult, but there is a level of peace where there’s drama all around, but you’re exempt. You’re not drawn to it, and the negative force is not drawn to you. It’s as if you have a transparent house around you that’s shatter proof. And you can see what’s going on around you, but you’re protected and not affected. This is the realm of peace that I’ve been resting in for a while.

But then there’s this peace that removes you out of that transparent house. This peace stands you on your feet and starts guiding you to......wherever......as you walk. You know, like if you were blindfolded and your loved one is leading you into a surprise party. And so you’re anticipating what’s to come because its your birthday, but you don’t know what. All the while you know you are going in the right direction because the person you love and trust is guiding you. And nothing around you really matters because it’s just you and the one who is leading you. And you don’t resist, don’t have an interest in looking back, and you don’t really care who’s watching you moving forward---you’re just walking as you’re led. That’s the feeling I started having last night.

So this morning when I got up I felt different. I know the timing was different because I was up extra early, but I felt like I was in a different place. And so as I’m standing at the bus stop at a quarter til 7am, I'm taking in the cool breeze while listening to my iPod. Then I came to one of my favorite Marvin Sapp songs and I honed in on the part of the song that says:

“The hour has come and it is now Spirit and truth worship He seeks---Father is seeking someone right now that will let go and just release”

And as soon as I heard this, I lost it. I completely lost it. I had to literally turn my back so that the people standing with me would not see me crying. Here I am looking all conservative in a black suit on a Friday morning, crying. But I didn’t care cause it was one of those cries that I hadn’t had in a long time. It was that knowing of God’s approval and guidance. I actually felt like I had just jumped off of a mountain and was soaring. Like I was soaring and God was [is] cheering me on. And then it was confirmed. It was confirmed that I have just walked a major road in this uphill journey, and now I’m shifting to the next level.

The Provision

Wow!!! Yes, today was a Bill Winston morning. And yes, yes ole BW hit me where it hurts. He talked about how we, as people, choose provision over vision. You know…..choosing to work for a measly paycheck, rather than doing what the Lord called us to do. Umph. Can’t say that I didn’t walk right into this one. I mean, I have no excuse cause I now know what I’m called to do. But perhaps I’m not walking fully into the vision cause I’m afraid to let go of my little security.

I mean, BW is right. My little check is only enough to pay the bills and to buy a few little temporal things. And yet, it’s still not enough. As BW put it, it will never be enough because its not intended to take the place of God’s purpose for my life. As BW reiterated, God has already provided so why am I depending on the world’s system to provide my basic needs.

Then he broke down something that was so profound. He broke down God’s creation as it is detailed in Genesis 1.

Day One: (1) God creates light.

Day Two: (2) God creates a firmament to divide the waters above from the waters below—heaven.

Day Three: (3) God commands the water below to be gathered into one place and he made dry land appear---earth and sea are named. (4) God commands the earth to bring forth grass, plants, and fruit-bearing trees.

Day Four: (5) God create lights in the firmament to separate light from darkness to mark the days, seasons, and years. I assume the two great lights are the sun and moon, and the stars are created too.

Day Five: (6) God commands the sea to “teem with living creatures”, and birds to fly across the heavens. He also creates birds and sea creatures, and commands them to be fruitful and multiply.

Day Six: (7) God commands the land to bring forth living creatures—wild beasts, livestock, and reptiles. (8) Aww, the number of completion….he creates man and woman in his image and likeness. We too were told to be fruitful and multiply, and to fill the earth and subdue it. And then God said it was all good.

Day Seven: God completed his work and simply rested.

Now this is where BW kicked me in the stomach. He said…..if God commanded seven things within six days and the last thing he did before he decided to rest was create man, then why in the world are we working for basics (water, electricity, food, property, etc.) when it was provided for us before we even existed!!!

And then he said:

If on the sixth day man was created, and on the seventh day God rested, then that is a clear indication that we need to take a nap and rest in Him and stop working so hard for basic stuff that goes against His purpose for our lives.

I sat there and pondered for a minute. And then I went to work. Umph.

Mirror, Mirror

That dog-on reflection. Ok, so this morning I got that urge. The urge to take my time in coming into the office and forfeit my two-stop transfer ride to walk down 7th street. Hey, it was a beautiful morning with a nice cool breeze----and so I felt like taking my sweet time.

As I’m strolling down seventh I do the usual----keep my eyes pasted to the left while I’m walking. I mean, I luuuvs the Zenith Art Gallery. I imagine that one day I’ll be able to afford a nice piece of art from the gallery to hang in my 30-foot ceiling living room. I am allowed to dream, right. I mean, I’m just asking for one original Sam Gilliam piece---35x35 or bigger. That’s it.

But as I’m walking, I come across the empty shop that gives the “oh no” reflection of me. I remember passing the shop a few years ago and thought…..wow my breast are sagging. When I got to work I was so depressed. For days after that, I avoided looking at my reflection as I walked down seventh. And since it bothered me that bad guess what…….I got myself a breast lift. Yep. Sure did.

Then about a year and a half ago, I passed by the empty shop and said to myself…..I really need to lose weight. So I committed myself to the gym and managed to work off a good twenty pounds.

Then about two months ago, I passed the empty shop again, overlooking the homeless woman, and said……I need to do something with my hair. So without hesitation, the next week I got $140 highlights in my hair.

This morning as I passed by the shop I was getting ready to say…….I need to…..but before I could get it out I caught myself. I mean, in the last three years I have spent close to $20,000 in surgery, gym memberships, hair care, skincare, and every other vain procedure and I’m still not satisfied. For once, I walked down seventh and said.......to hell with that empty shop and its blotched windows!!!

By the time I got to Penn Ave., I felt good about myself. Not because I’m perfect or because I’ve accomplished all the vain things that makes me think that I’m better now. But because I’m learning to live with my imperfections and accept me for who I am. I’m not sure how I will feel tomorrow, but what I’ll try to do is keep my focus to the right. Aww dag, that’s the book store!!!

Made My Choice

Wow. So I’m sitting here on Sunday evening--football season--in deep thought. I’m listening to Surely by Israel and New Breed on repeat. A tear or two drops every other chorus, but its tears of comfort and peace and joy, I assure you. I mean real peace. The peace in knowing that I’m making the right choice and that God is with me.

Where in the world do I begin. My mind is telling me not to “reveal” this part of my life, but my heart is saying release. And so since I feel led to express a very personal side of me I’m going to proceed in obedience.

Um, ok. About seven years ago I met a guy named “Chris”. If I remember correctly Chris and I became instant friends. Maybe not instantly. It actually took a few rounds of “whose that girl” before we made the connection. It had come to the point where I knew Chris’ daily pattern and was expecting for him to cross my path. It took several path crossings, but the interest was there and seemed to grow daily. I knew it was just a matter of time, but I also knew that Chris was scared--lol. But once he got up the nerve to finally speak to me the conversation was on and popping.

When me and Chris started talking, the first thing I noticed was Chris’ New Yorwka accent. I was impressed. Not often do I meet somebody from my home and so its always good to talk about a place with someone who can wholeheartedly relate. Immediately after, potential bombs were tested--age, marital status, children---wow too good to be true.....I keep thinking. And then Chris told me that he was in grad school studying for his M.B.A. Ironically, I was just starting to study for the GMAT and so after a few jokes and jabs about that we concluded our conversation with exchanging email addresses and with Chris offering to help me with my studies.

Almost immediately Chris and I became friends. Every morning for a good two years, I would get a “good morning, how was your evening” email from Chris. And all day we would instant message one another. We both had no idea where our friendship was heading and if I recall we didn’t even discuss it. There was no, “let me wine and dine you” pressure from him, neither was there any “I want to be your girlfriend” pressure from me. In fact, I had revealed to Chris that the strings to my twelve year relationship were slowly but surely breaking and that I was unsure of my emotions. So a lot of our conversation was built on Chris giving me advice and helping me to understand a man’s perspective. So he respected my position and gave me the space I needed to figure things out.

About six months into our friendship, Chris began dating a young lady that he worked with. Rumor had it that their relationship was very rocky and unstable, and emotionally abusive. I was quite surprised given that Chris was so grounded. And so as a friend, I was firm with him expressing that he needed to take responsibility for his actions, but at the same time reassuring him that he was settling and deserved better. Of course in less than a year, the relationship ended. And my friend was hurt. He was hurt and disappointed for a number of reasons and so as a result he ended up withdrawing and drowning himself in his work.

In addition to his regular day job, Chris had started to take an interest in real estate. And so he was studying for his real estate license. I, always being open for something new, started being interested in Chris’ interest in real estate--whew. So he talked me into pursuing real eastate too, and so we both started studying together. Just before Chris was to get his license, he was hit with sad news. His grandfather had unexpectedly died. His grandparents actually helped his mom in raising him and his brother, so it was a major blow for Chris. After the funeral, Chris dropped the bomb that he thought it be best that he move back to New York to be a support to his family. I understood, wholeheartedly. So Chris moved back to New York and for about a year we kept in contact by phone/email never letting a good 3 months pass without speaking.

Then I received a phone call. Chris called to tell me that he had taken a job on Wall Street, but that they wanted him to relocate to the DC office. He expressed that he felt it was a good time to proceed with his life and so he moved back to DC. But Chris was different. Very focused. No longer focused on the dating scene, but really focused on his career. And so I would always tease him about dusting off his bachelor card. And he would always say that he wasn’t ready to pursue the dating scene. By this time, I was doing well in real estate and had received a referral from Chris of a young lady he knew was looking for a house. The transaction was successful and so I had told Chris that I wanted to take him out to dinner as a “thank you”. The date kept being put off and off and off til he said that he was going to take me out instead.

One Saturday afternoon, Chris called and told me that a few of his boys were having a social at their swanky VA complex and that he wanted me to come. And so I agreed. On my way there, while I had Chris on the phone, a PG police officer ran into my car trying to chase a speeder. I was very shaken about it, not hurt, but disappointed about my car being damaged. But Chris still wanted to see me and deep down I really wanted to go. So I went. And I had a great time. The hi-rise building was a complete bachelor’s nest. Apartment to apartment was everything that a single man could desire. And so most of our time was spent at one of his boys apartment on another floor--surprisingly coupled off, lol. We laughed and joked and drank (was a lite sipper then--lol) and listened to music. But then it was time for me to leave. Chris didn’t think it was wise for me to leave at 3am in the morning especially since my car was damaged. And so we went upstairs to his apartment to retire for the evening. The environment was sooo laid back and chill. I mean, complete ambiance. Chris had put on this all-male slow jams CD and we just engrossed ourselves in conversation while listening to Stevie Wonder, Luther, Teddy Pendergrass, Peabo Bryson…..I mean, my kind of music. Before we knew it, he was on one sofa sleep and I was on the other. We woke up both wondering what happened the night before. Absolutely nothing. Nothing happened......but something did happen.

For about two years, there was silence about that night. And although our friendship became stronger, Chris went on with his life and I went on with mine. Then I get another call. Chris is relocating to the south. Wow, he's leaving again.....I thought. From that phone call, I almost got the feeling like he wanted to know where we stood with one another, but almost in the same breath he had told me about a young lady he’d met that he was growing an interest in and so I didn’t press the issue about us. Unfortunately, we didn’t see each other before he left, but Chris and I still kept in constant communication.

Last year, things began to really change for me. I started really thirsting for God and longing for His presence. Many of my friends, some who I’ve been friends with for nearly 20 years, I no longer had an interest for because my focus was [is] so different. It’s the weirdest feeling that I still have today. Just a longing for Godly conversation and being around folk that gets it. And so, I knew that while I was on my 30-day fast last year things would start changing for me drastically. I mean, I just felt it. Can’t explain it, but I felt great change getting ready to happen in my life.

During this change, I met [my friend]. Very different from the guys I’d dated in the past, and even a little different from my guy friends like Chris. I mean, life, family, and career goals are too [my friend’s] typical American Dreamer’s goals, but there’s a difference. My communication with [my friend] is probably a quarter of what I’m used to having with my other friends, but our communication has more quality and substance. And there’s a connection that binds us even when we aren't communicating. And so I’m baffled and intrigued by him [it] all at the same time. And he says the same about me. In fact, he said to me a few months ago that he’d never imagined that our friendship would lead us this deep in just a few months. In my mind, I wanted to say that we haven’t put a dent into where I wish we could be comparing to friendships like with my friend Chris, but in my heart [my friend] is now residing in an unfamiliar place that no one else has even thought to enter--not even Chris.

So last December, just as I was really beginning to face the potentials about [my friend], I get a phone call from Chris. He informs me that his job was relocating to South Africa for two years, and that he would be leaving within 30 days. Umph. Again, the call caught me by surprise but I was used to Chris hopping around the globe. I mean, with the holidays and trying to figure out these weird, unfamiliar feelings for [my new friend] I really could not focus on Chris. In fact, I chalked it up to….boy you had six years to get it cracking with me and oh well--goodbye. Of course I didn’t tell him that though. But on New Year’s Day, Chris called me and said that he would be leaving for South Africa in a couple days, but that he wanted to talk to me before he left. Again, he sounded like he wanted to say something, but he didn’t. In fact, since he mentioned again the young lady here in DC, I decided to tell him about [my friend]. Umph.

For the last eight months, Chris and I have managed to keep in regular, unlimited contact thanks to Globalinx. Every so often, he will call and ask how me and [my friend] are doing. And although I want to think that he’s genuine about it, from his tone I know different. But we still maintain our friendship.

So last night I get THE phone call. I was actually in the middle of watching Coco Chanel when my phone rang and Chris’ number came up on my caller ID. My first thought was that it was clearly 4am in South Africa, but then I thought something must be wrong. So I cautiously answered. But Chris was calm. He began with the norm, how are you….how’s your weekend. And then he started talking about the young lady he’s seeing that lives here in DC. Almost like he's settling for her.......so I listened. Intently.

And then he hit me with the big one.

He told me that although he cared about the young lady and could very well take her home to meet his mother, his feelings would not go away for me. He reminded me of the night of the party when I stayed with him. He said that that had sealed it for him and that he's never felt that same feeling for anybody--EVER. He said that from that night, his feelings had grown so much stronger for me. He went on to say how cool and down to earth I am, and how he’s so comfortable talking to me, and how he knows that we could be millionaires if he and I were partners. And then he expressed his attraction and how he wanted things to physically happen between us, but that he always respected me. And then he told me of how his mother is praying diligently for a good daughter-in-law and how he’d love for me to meet her. And then he told me he only had one more good year to be in South Africa and that he had decided to settle in DC whether he kept his same job or not. He told me that his "girlfriend" was aware of me, as well as all of this other friends. And I could hear his sincerity. And his passion. And while my mouth was hanging open, I was speechless. And I tried to answer his questions about what made me so into [my friend]. And I was trying to answer the best I could, but I was stunned that he had finally found the nerve to express his deepest feelings.

But then we got cut off and I assumed it was because his phone went dead. I mean, it was a couple of hours we were in deep conversation. When I hung up, I lay in the wee hours thinking about this “good” man who is highly intelligent, funny, good family morals, no children, never been married, respectful, kind-hearted……just about everything I could ask for. And then I thought about [my friend] who I have lost track of the days from our last conversation in which rubs my emotions the wrong way. And then I drifted off to sleep.

This morning, for some strange reason I had a zest and zeal about going to church. I mean, I just really really wanted to go. And so, unlike other Sunday mornings, I pulled out one of my best suits and my $500 pair of pumps that I lucked up on at a consignment shop and I went to church. And felt good and at peace. When I got home, I ate dinner and took a nap. When I woke up, there was a message on my phone from Chris. He simply said……. “Hey, sorry about the disconnection last night. But just wanted to tell you that Delta flies directly here [to South Africa] and I want you to come to spend my fortieth birthday with me next month. Or you can come for the holiday---either way I’ll pay for it so call me.” I smiled. I never thought that such an opportunity would come for me. A great man who is not limited to just the “American Dream”. But one who wants to spend time with me driving down the opposite side of the road to Cape Town all while eating Indian cuisine from his now favorite takeout spot---in AFRICA (go figure--lol). He’s so outside of the box.

God’s timing is so off, but sooo right. Had this opportunity come by two or three or even a year ago, perhaps I’d take the plunge without considering-----God. But now things are different. Really different for me. I truly have Christ residing on the inside of me and my choices are now under His authority and control. And I like that. I like knowing that it is not me, but HE who makes difficult decisions as this could be.

So as I tried best to explain the differences to Chris last night, it all boils down to having a Spiritual connection with someone in which Chris and I do not have. Could I live a “good” life with Chris, probably. But there will always be an unsettling feeling in my heart knowing that I didn’t trust God to fully deliver. And so while I finally came to the understanding a couple of weeks ago that my faith is not in [my friend], but in the God that resides in [my friend] I firmly feel at peace to wait for God, not for my friend but for GOD.

Tonight, I cannot confidently say that I will live happily ever after with [my friend], nor could I say what tomorrow will bring for us, but what I do know is that since [my friend] came into my life, I realize that such a man is possible. This year has been such a walk of faith for me and each day I wake up with new hope and I proceed with the assurance that God will deliver just what I asked Him for, but more importantly what He feels is best according to HIS will. His perfect will. And so with that.......I choose to wait. To wait for God’s total best.

Let integrity and uprightness preserve me, for I wait for You. --Psalm 25:21

He Loves Me

Um, um. I got a thing or two on my mind today. The last day or so has been really really interesting. Seeing the greed in people is amazing. The things people would do to “get theirs” are……WOW.

Ok, so I’ve been slow reading a really good book, Because He Loves Me. And I’m loving this book because it digs really deep and makes me pause with a….hmmmm. I mean, I love knowledge in general, and I thirst for God’s Word constantly. So reading material that gives new perspective and fresh Word always fascinates me, and helps me to improve upon my Christian journey. But with this whole new church movement on creating a new me image and the self-improvement era, I’m glad that I’ve been reminded that my Christian walk doesn’t just consist of the imperative (God’s commands to us on how to be Christians), but also the indicative (God’s reminder of what He has already done whether we improve or not). So I’m glad about that. Just the fact that Jesus is Lord whether I lose weight or not, and that Jesus has forgiven me even if I slip up with my boyfriend is so comforting. Those are the truths that I’m being reminded and must not get so caught up in the “I gotta do better” syndrome and just live freely in God’s Word. That’s what really brings about change because there is no way that God’s seed can be planted in me and not grow. And the more Christ grows in me, the less of me I have to deal with.

So last night’s events crossed with a few chapters from the book. And yes, it did cause me to re-evaluate my own heart and motive. I know, I know……I have to admit that a big part of my Christian journey focuses more on the imperative than the indicative, but you gotta know that it’s because I have a passion to please God and I'm doing it the best way I know how. And so, I really don’t care what folk think about me cause I really do love me and my ways. So I can wholeheartedly say that I have a passion to please God.

So ok, I was caught in the crossfire of last night’s events. And although the situation wasn’t personally about me, since I was just used as a “mediator”, it made me think of how we as a people have allowed things to become gods in our lives. I mean, I’d like to think that I’ve grown pass worshipping material things and money…..yes I said worshipping, but as I’m sitting here thinking about my daily and some of the things that I’ve been idolizing, I’m disappointed. Off the top of my head I can think of five things that drive my life. They may not be money or obvious things, but does it really matter? Worshipping false gods comes in many forms.

Ok, did I mention that I love reading?

Well, that’s what I’ve been treasuring---idolizing---worshipping most. If there was any earthly thing (besides the basics—loved ones, shelter, food, water) that I could not live without I’d have to say books. I’ll buy a book before I would buy a pair of shoes. I mean, I love soaking up knowledge. I could be a student for life. But it’s coming to a point where it’s starting to drive my path. It’s a passion that is improperly placed. Like how music used to be for me. Now, reading books occupies more of my time than spending time in prayer. And although I know that the Lord desires that I increase upon my knowledge in Him, I think that He is more concerned that I walk what I’m being taught than worshiping the objects in which carry His message.

Whew!! It’s a narrow way. And it’s so easy to get knocked off course. And I don’t like being in a situation where my flesh overrides God’s will. But I know that I’m not perfect. And even when I mess up and choose to read a book over praying, He still loves me.

Jesus looked at him and loved him. "One thing you lack," he said. "Go, sell everything you have and give to the poor, and you will have treasure in heaven. Then come, follow me." --Mark 10:21

God Bless America

Why don’t America bless God!!! I mean, really. Will the real Christians please stand up!!!

Ok, I gotta get a few things off my chest. T.D. Jakes did a fantastic job last night on CNN when invited to give some clarity on this whole issue of…..was it God’s will for us to go to war with Iraq. Given the limited time he had I think he made the point quite clear. In sum, he said that folk need to stop speaking for God. But since opinions are being shared across America lately, I think I’d like to share mine as well.

Church and State. Heck no!!! If the church doesn’t pay taxes then they should not promote political activity. I strongly believe that it is a true fearlessness of God to have any ungodly activity in the pulpit, whether the pastor is talking about fleshly foolishness, or whether the pastor allows anybody else to speak out of the flesh. The pulpit is supposed to be the Holy place. A place where God’s Word is spoken. Til this day, when I walk across a pulpit I feel such an anointing and respect for the Holy place. I actually get chills. And for a politician to stand in a pulpit to promote himself/herself to a bunch of vulnerable people that has got to be one of the boldest forms of idolatry.

I mean, who wants to hear that foolishness anyway. Every channel I turn on has political activity. I walked in the 7-11 and bam!! I get on the metro and bam! I go to the gym and look up at the monitor and bam! When I go to church, the last thing I want to hear is politics. I’d like to go to church to find solace away from the world. And I’m sure not going there to ask for guidance on who to pick as my next president. I mean, my intimate time with the Lord ain’t got nothing to do with Rocky or Johnny.

Christian Politicians. There’s a very thin line of truly serving God and serving a world of ungodly people. One will surely outweigh the other. And when that choice comes, if the politician denounces God for the sake of their position (and I’m not talking about their church or former denomination--I’m talking about denouncing their relationship with God) then the country better watch out!!

God’s Will. Ok, please know that God can do, and allow, ANYTHING to get His message across. Unlike things as the weather, we as humans have to allow God to have complete control over our lives. And we can either ask for His PERFECT will or His PERMISSIVE will, or none of his will. But when we ask for His permissive will (or don't ask for his will at all) we are putting ourselves in grave danger. And in many instances, He will allow it. And in many instances it can result in death.

But unfortunately, I think we’re so caught up in God being a good God, in which He certainly is, that we forget about His punishment. When we dishonor God we put ourselves outside of His protection. We actually separate ourselves from His covering. And when we’re outside of his will anything can happen. So is it God’s will that bad things happen such as Hurricane Katrina……hmmmm. If God is sending a message and we’re ignoring it, I firmly believe that He will do anything to get his message across. On the flip side, Hurricane Katrina, I’m confident, drew many people to Christ. I mean, during that time this nation was on one accord seeking God for protection. And love poured out. All nationalities pulled together. And some even fled to better lives and new beginnings.

God and the War. As for the war……the Bible does say that in the last days there will be wars and rumors of wars, and with all that’s going on the Bible is being fulfilled minute-by-minute so its time to get it right with Him. As far as us going to war, please understand that God gives everyone a choice. And we have to remember that in every choice there is a consequence.

Unfortunately going to war with Iraq affected a lot of people. But just as we can choose to join the military, or run for office, or vote for whichever political party……it is a choice to go to war. So to say that it was God’s will for us to go to war………I think we must first know if the person who declared war is walking in God's will. And you can only know that by the fruits the person bears. And that's in the Word. Check out Galatians. But that brings on the point of leadership controlling government by consulting God. Hmmmmm........believe what you want…….but to be president you gotta rely on more than just Condi and the Pentagon. With Bin on your tail and folks losing homes, I’d think some divine protection and direction could help. I mean, we are a Christian nation, right??? I'm just saying.......lol.

Pro-Life vs. Pro-Choice. Ummm. Speaking of choices, huh--lol. Well well well. Well, me personally, I’m a pro-choicer. Yeah, I had to bold that one. And it has nothing to do with rape or incest or one-night stands or dead-beat dads or Roe vs. Wade or the strong women’s movement. I simply believe that the Lord gives us all the free will to choose. But again…..our choices come with consequences. And can’t speak of the past, but if I ever got pregnant---in any situation---I’d choose life. But that’s MY choice.

Women Being President. Absolutely!!! There’s nothing more admirable than seeing a strong woman who can take care of her home, attend to her wifely duties, and be involved in her children’s lives all while maintaining a leadership role--like running the country. Wow, only in America. And I also salute men who can do it as well. But I will say this……I don’t care how powerful a woman is, superwoman---I think that's what they call it---until men can carry and push out babies a MOTHER needs to be home nurturing and raising her OWN children in her OWN house, on a DAILY basis.

Whew. Ok, that felt good to get off my chest. But before I close just as a point of note…..I too believe in tongue-speaking and my roots are Pentecostal as well. And I too now consider myself a non-denominational Christian. But I DO NOT believe that when the rapture comes and this world is destroyed, Alaska will be the designated meet up place for heaven.

Headed Upstream

Ok, so my pastor started a new six-week series entitled, “Upstream”. The series is intended to equip us in maintaining an effective Christian life in an ungodly society. So today was part one of the series and it was entitled, "Upstream: Pressure Points". And it was quite interesting. My pastor’s foundational scripture came from the Book of Daniel.

But Daniel resolved not to defile himself with the royal food and wine, and he asked the chief official for permission not to defile himself this way. --Daniel 1:8

As my pastor gave a little background on Daniel and why he rejected the fabulous feast that was spread before him, I thought about my own life. You know, I’ve never been one to go with the crowd. And I’ve never been a victim of peer pressure. But I do find myself being caught up in other “pressure points” that are so actively a part of my life.

My pastor gave us the three pressures that will try to attack Christians, and as he said them--immediately I could think of personal examples.

1. The pressures of satan. Ok, now I know that satan is not omnipresent like God, therefore he has to dwell in a living being. And so I’m understanding more and more that satan’s cunning and crafty self can show up in colleagues, associates, and even family. That’s why it is so imperative for me to stay armored because that fool could be dwelling in anybody to provoke me and get me off course. And I know that fool hates me cause I buck him, and I buck him hard. I don’t care who he’s in he’s not getting the best of me. Just like that old man satan was dwelling in on Friday night at the Giant. He knew I was waiting for the parking space in which he pulled his big jalopy into. I started to go off on him. I mean, Hanna had just showed up and the rain was getting thick and that nut took the parking space that I waited so patiently for. But I calmed down and kept driving all the way to the end of the parking lot until I found a space.

Then an angel showed up. He had to be sent on a rush from heaven. The polite guy out of nowhere said, “Here, take my cart cause there’s no more at the door.” At first I was a little suspicious how dude, I mean the angel--lol, ran up on me. But then when I got to the store’s entrance I saw satan pissed cause he didn’t have a cart………nananenana.

2. The pressures of the world. Ok, I’d like to think that I’m not pressured by the world, but every time I see a new designer purse or shoes or designer whatever…..I want it. Now whether I get it is another story. But its pressure no doubt. I mean, I luuuuv Gucci. And I luuuv Coach. And I luuuv Kenneth Cole. I mean, I went to Woodbury Commons and lost my mind. And I gotta admit…..I’ve spent bill money on unnecessary stuff plenty of times. As my sister puts it…… “girl, you work hard so treat yourself.” She almost got me a couple of months. I wanted a $1,400 Gucci bag so bad. And so I was finagling my paychecks and trying to see where I can rob from Peter to pay Paul, so that I could get my bag. And when I consulted my sister she simply said…… “Buy it”. And really, I knew who to ask cause she is one who will take a special trip to the Bahamas just to go to their Louis Vuitton shop. So I thought about it really hard……and then resolved that it was a ridiculous purchase. And so those are the pressures that present themselves in my life from the world. It doesn’t have to be a gun to my head saying…….rob this bank with me. It can be pressures just as simple as browsing the Gucci website and me doing whatever I can to get what I see. Umph.

3. The pressures of the flesh. Noooooooo!!!!! Ok, this is where I’d have to admit is my strongest pressure. See, I love to eat. And I love to eat good food. I mean, if I could eat fresh salmon everyday I would. I do just about every weekend though. And I love porterhouse steaks. And I love Ben & Jerry’s ice cream. And these are the pressures that my flesh deals with daily. And then there are other fleshly things that I like, but I’ll spare the details--lol.

So I’ve got work to do. Now I know I ain’t perfect…..but I’d have to say that it does the Spirit good when I can walk away from a disgruntled person that I know satan is residing in. Or to be able to pay all my bills without worrying and wondering why I ditched a bill to buy yet another pair of black Coach flats. Or to be able to choose fruit over ice cream. I mean, at the moment it doesn’t feel good cause when you want something you want it. But then that’s when the fruit of the Spirit, SELF-CONTROL, kicks in and reminds me that its better to walk away. I mean, there’s nothing more gratifying than saying……thanks, but no thanks.

The Perfect Christian

Wow!! This entry is a little difficult to write because it exposes my pride. But I have no choice but to get it off my chest and out my head so that I can be free.

Ok, where do I start.

Um, this morning I was watching a Christian show (a husband/wife host team in which I do not remember their names) and they had a guest on talking about his new book. Since I was in the shower when the show started, I didn’t get the exact topic or the name of the book. But I think the premise of the show was about how Christians hide behind this “perfect Christian” image which blocks their own personal issues, which I guess they try to pretend they don’t have. In turn, a person who is going through and doesn’t mind sharing their issues has very little support because he/she feels less than the “perfect Christian” which causes them to try to pursue being a “perfect Christian” also. Whew!

Ok, so the guest had talked about his childhood and how his step father was very abusive to him and his mother. As a result, they ended up moving with his grandparents who were Christians. Because [the guest] was so mentally and emotionally worn out growing up, he ended up turning to drugs and alcohol. But when that wasn’t enough, he started dealing in fraudulent activity. Basically, he had a business making counterfeit travelers checks and started making a lot of money by deceiving his customers. He was also at that time dating his high school sweetheart.

Of course, it happened. Yes, he got busted and went to jail. But before he was busted he was attending church regularly and serving on various ministries. He said he was introduced to Christ by his grandparents and really had a passion to serve God. No one knew his "secret business" and so he pretended like he was “perfect”. But he said he kept going to God because he knew he was doing wrong, but the money was too good. At the same time, he was still dating his high school sweetheart, who was also a Christian. But he ended up in jail. And it was very embarrassing to him and all of his loved ones. And so of course his sweetheart ended up dumping him. So he had to make a decision.

When he was released from jail, he decided to go right back to his same church and asked for forgiveness. He said he was so ashamed, not knowing if they’d accept him. To his surprise, the church forgave him. Also, his sweetheart forgave him of his past and decided to marry him. She was also on the show. She said people thought she was crazy, but she knew she had to learn how to accept people as God accepts and so she went against popular vote and married him.

Ok, so as I was getting dress I was thinking……..have I ever pretended to be this “perfect Christian” and looked down on people because of either their past (OR PRESENT) activity? Have I shunned a person because I thought I was a better Christian? And then I was reminded of a dream that actually woke me up this morning.

In the dream, I was having a conversation with an unknown young lady and she asked me….. “Why don’t you like “Raquel”? And I answered……… “I don’t like Raquel because she is a whore.” And then I added……. “I really think there’s more to Raquel’s character and sometimes I feel sorry for her.” After that, I woke up.

Uuuukay. Raquel is a woman around my age who attends my former church with my family. Over the years, she and her son have established a really close bond with my mother. And every time there is a family function they are there. But Raquel has a reputation that rubs me the wrong way. Ok, the best way to describe her is by saying that what Karrine “Superhead” Steffans is to the hip hop industry, Raquel is to the church world. And it’s a known reputation. And so when she’s around, my attitude purposely reminds her that she is a slut and could never be respected by me.

Ok, on the other hand, not to toot my family’s horn, but all of my mother’s girls have turned into good women. And people love to be around us because we are genuine. I mean, if you’re fortunate to have our attention, then I’d say you’re blessed—lol. That's the good side I'd have to say--lol. But I’d have to give a lot of credit for our personality to my mother. My mom is a young mom. And she is young at heart. She is one of those down-to-earth, cool moms. You can talk to her about anything from contraception to Corinthians. Ok……to give you an example I literally just stopped writing this entry and called my mother to ask her how many time she and my biological father had sex cause I’m on a pursuit to find that jerk (that’s another entry—lol). And she told me straight out. And she also told me that he had a stinky attitude like mine, and had the nerve to tell her that she was "vexing" him---lololol. She said she didn't even know what the word "vexing" was in 1969. We were on the phone cracking up.

Anyway, so over the years I’ve watched Raquel interact with my mother. And more and more I’m thinking that Raquel wished she had the type of relationship with her mom as my mother with her daughters. And even more….that I think she wished she could have a friendship with all of my mother’s daughters and not just with my mother. Especially since she and I are the closest in age. Now don’t get me wrong…….me and my mother fight. And we fight hard. But love is thicker than war for us, and so we get over it. It may take a year of abnormal interaction, but we eventually come around.

So all morning I’m thinking of Raquel and saying to myself…..Jill, you have blocked that girl with your snobby “I’m a perfect Christian” attitude. I’m thinking of the last time I saw Raquel at Thanksgiving dinner two years ago and she spoke and I looked her in the face and dared her to say another word to me. Now that I think about it....I felt so sorry for her. Over the years my mother would tell me little comments that Raquel would say about me….admirable comments, and it would irritate me. I mean, Raquel NEVER did anything to me or against me than be cordial. So why didn’t I like her? Could I not understand that she may be looking for love and pursuing it the only way she knows how? I mean soooo many women confuse sex with love. Could it be that I was fortunate enough to receive an abundance of love from my family and she wasn’t. Or could it be that I was at the right place at the right time to hear God’s word to receive salvation? What makes me different than her, REALLY? I mean, in all actuality if the rumors are true, then her present activity is no different than my past activity. The only difference is that her circle ran their mouths and mine didn’t. But we both were being used and abused. Umph. There’s not much more that I can say but…………….I REPENT.

Who's in Charge?

Uuuuukay. Whew!! I luuvs me some Bill Winston. And this morning he brought the Word and it hit me smack dab in my face. All I could say was.....“Bring it Bill!!!” I kept shouting at the television which was almost making me late to catch my bus. But if I was going to be late hearing the Word then sobeit cause I needed to hear what was being said. Bill's message was about submitting to authority.

Ok, why is it that some preachers only want to talk about submitting to authority when it comes to giving??? Nobody wants to be the bad guy and say…….sit your butt down and learn a thing or two, as Bill did this morning. We all seem to be floating on the half truth that……..we are God’s chosen and we have the AUTHORITY to do such and such. But like Bill said, that’s only part of it. See, in order for us to HAVE authority we have to SUBMIT to authority.

I think I learned how to submit to authority very early on. Ok, wait….no I didn’t. It actually took me a while to learn how to submit to my mother’s authority---for various reasons. Okkkk......so bottomline, I was out of order and still had yet to learn how to submit to authority. But one day, I learned the importance of being under authority and it took a slap in my face to wake me up. Ok, that’s figuratively--lol. Anyway, I think I was around 21 years old and I was still in my phase of “playing church”. My church was having a revival and the guest preacher was Noel Jones. Anybody who knows me knows that I luuvs me some Noel. And back then….I couldn’t see past what I wanted. And I wanted to hear Noel so that I could get my quick fix and that’s it. Cause I wouldn’t allow the Word to go to far for me back then, lol.

So Noel was speaking and I had invited my girlfriend Hewelette (she actually wrote the book that rides on the side bar of this blog) to join me. Ok, my girlfriend Hewlette luuuvs the Lord and she has always been committed to serving Him without compromise. Back then, Hewlette served as my big sister in Christ. She took her role very seriously since being the only sister to three brothers, and older than all of us. Though not her biological sister, she was very protective of me back then and didn’t condone the lifestyle I was indulging in. Ok, I wasn’t in anything foul--lol, but I wasn’t committed to God nor was I living a life that was pleasing to Him. And so Hewlette reminded me of my short-comings often. And I respected her for that. And I value our friendship even til this day......wow almost twenty years of friendship!!

So after Noel had delivered his message, I took it upon myself to grab my things and walk out the sanctuary to the vestibule. When I turned around Hewlette wasn’t with me. We had actually had other girlfriends with us, and no one departed with me. So I waited, and waited, and waited. Talked to a few stragglers and continued waiting. Finally, one of the church elders gave the benediction and then Hewlette and the girls came out. We all said our good-byes, but I noticed that Hewlette was disturbed. When I got home Hewlette called me and said……. “Don’t you EVER depart church before the benediction!!” Her disappointment and embarrassment of my actions had stung so badly. And so I listened intently to what she had to say. And I understood.

Over the years, I’ve learned how to not only wait for the benediction, but also silently pray when the altar call is being done. My former pastor teaches that when he calls the altar call that’s not time to put away Bibles, talk to neighbors, and take out keys. That's the time to bow heads and pray that souls will come to Christ. And so I’ve learned.

But this morning, Bill hit the nail on the head!! He basically said that a lot of times when folk walk out before the benediction (yes he actually put my past on blast as if he knew me—lol) it’s because they don’t respect the authority of the pastor and/or church leaders. And then he went on to say that we can’t claim to have authority over satan, and not be under authority to the Word or will of God. I mean really……how can I claim to have power over a situation and I don’t even read the Word of God to know how to have the power????? And then we wonder why “our” authority doesn’t work. Bill shouted the first half of a scripture that I must admit I’m guilty of quoting only part of too:

“Resist the devil and he will flee!!!”

LOL. I think I quoted this in a previous entry. And although this is true I missed the other parts of the scripture:

Submit yourselves, then, to God. Resist the devil, and he will flee from you. Come near to God and he will come near to you. --James 4:7-8

But submitting to authority doesn’t just stop in the church. Our daily walk in Christ requires that we submit to authority PERIOD. We can’t walk around on the job like we have all the power and not submit to somebody’s authority. And even if we are the CEO, understand that the CEO is under the authority of the company's stakeholders. Ok, so we ain’t even gonna talk about authority in the home because I may ruffle some feathers. But bottomline….if you’re married then the wife has to submit to her husband’s authority as the husband submits to God’s authority. Ouch!!

So I’m thinking about seven years ago when I first started working here at this agency. I was actually hired as the Assistant to the Director’s Assistant. The Director was a political appointee and had his work cut out for him when he was sworn in under this administration. After just working for another political figure, Eunice Kennedy Shriver, I was definitely qualified for the position and in most aspects….over-qualified. But the pay was good and the timing was right. See, I had a silent plan for taking the position. I’d later discover that is was God’s plan all the time. But I submitted myself to a position that so many of my loved ones would stress me out about. I’d never forget hearing my girlfriends say……. “Girl, you have a degree and career in public relations why would you take a job being somebody’s assistant ASSISTANT???? I’d listen in one ear and exit their comments out the other. Cause I knew I was supposed to be here.

A year into the position, the Director’s Assistant resigned. By default, I started taking over most of her day-to-day duties. By the next year, I was officially appointed to Executive Assistant. Though by this time I could have been the Executive Director of any nonprofit agency—cause while I was the Assistant’s Assistant I had the flexibility to go back to school and complete my graduate program earning a Master’s in Nonprofit Management. But I didn’t bail out because I knew my mission here wasn’t completed. Didn’t quite know what or why, just that it wasn’t completed.

Going into the fourth year, the Director had decided to retire. By this time I was managing the entire Office of the Director with responsibilities not limited to administrative tasks, but writing speeches and managing special projects from the Director’s superiors. One day the Director called me in his office and said……. “Jill, I am very pleased with your work ethics and am sorry that I have to leave you. But I need to know, what is it in this agency you want to do?” He told me that he could make a few phone calls outside if I wanted to leave, but that he could ensure that he could put me in any position I wanted to be in within this agency. I told him to give me a few days to think about it because to be honest I really hadn’t thought about having a future in the agency. Any day I was looking to put in my resignation. But I was, at this time, truly being led of the Lord. I mean, I wanted a change, but something in me kept saying…..now is not the time to leave.

For those couple of days I had to think about what I wanted to do “inside” this agency. But by this time, my girlfriends were really giving me the blues saying stuff like……… “girl, that government job is so beneath your worth”. I never forget, one of my girlfriends said to me in a conversation......... "Look, I am the Director of such and such, and you're just somebody's assistant." Basically, my opinion held no value to our discussion since I was "beneath" her. My pride hurted so bad, and our friendship suffered a great deal after her comment. But I had to admit, I was tired and needed a change. But I sat back and thought that since I’d started the position as the Assistant’s Assistant the Lord had given me so many opportunites. I was able to go back to school and get my Master’s degree; I had the flexibility to study and earn real estate licenses in three states, and; I gained a wealth of Federal government experience in which I had forfeited the opportunity back in the early 90s. So I knew by this time that I was on God's plan and not my own.

So after a couple of days I got back with the Director and told him that I was interested in the marriage program. He said…. “Great, it’s done.” And today……well….I manage the entire marriage program and have 56 nonprofit agencies under my authority. But guess what…….I’m still under my immediate supervisor’s authority, she’s under the Director’s authority, the Director is under the Assistant Secretary’s authority, the Assistant Secretary is under the Secretary of HHS’ authority, the Secretary is under President Bush’s authority, and Bush is under the people’s authority because we live in a democracy. But actually I’m governed by a Theocracy cause I’m under God’s authority.

Prepare for Harvest

I can’t believe its September already!!! And I’m loving it. This is my FAVORITE time of the year because it starts the beginning of my favorite season—Fall. I don’t know. It’s just something about the light breeze, the turn of the leaves, and the freshness in the air that gives me a natural high. And that high always puts me in a place of “get ready”.

So this morning I woke at 4:30a----yes I said A.M. As I lay awake thinking about….ok I was thinking about [my friend]—lol. How he’s so spontaneous and how he does the simplest things to bring joy to my day. But this morning wasn’t about him even though I wanted it to be. The Lord had actually awakened me to have some intimate time with Him. Out of nowhere I heard the Lord’s voice say……"PRAY NOW—do not wait until 6:00a". My first instinct was to brush off the Lord’s command and continue in deep thought until I drifted back to sleep, but I couldn’t ignore His voice. I had fully awakened by this time and so, I was obedient. As I was praying so many different people and situations came in my Spirit and so I interceded as I normally do in the mornings. But this morning was different. More intimate. As I said in the last few entries…..there’s something about the morning time that I’m truly falling in love with.

After I prayed I jumped out of bed and met Billy Blanks in the living room. I felt invigorated with high energy--like I could kick somebody’s butt today. Not mad, just powerful. Actually I was ready to kick any signs of negativity cause I refuse to have the same blues that I had last week. Nope. Not gonna fall into that slump again. So I decided to put that extra boost of energy into exercising. Wow. My workout was going good until BB made me crisscross the bands. Then the sweat started pouring. And then I thought about what Oprah always says……"If you’re not sweating then you’re not working in your zone." But I was sweating, and sweating hard for more than half hour nonstop. I was in my zone and feeling good at 6-ish in the morning. Then I had to stop to get ready for work —vowing to complete the entire video tomorrow morning. After an extra long shower, I dressed, fooled around on the computer, and ran---yes ran---to catch my bus by 7:55a. Wasn’t gonna miss it this week. I missed it 3 times last week. Yep, rode right pass me.

When I got to Gallery Place, I decided to forfeit my two-stop transfer ride and do the 25-minute stroll down 7th Street. I was just in the mood to do it. And while exiting the metro to 7th Street, I decided to hike up the long flight of stairs instead of riding the escalator. It’s something about September---lol. The breeze from the walk felt so good on my face. I could smell great change. And I took in every bit of it with every breath. By the time I arrived to work I felt like I’d already had a very productive day, and my day had barely started. For a minute I wished I had taken the trip to San Diego, but then it felt just as good---if not better---to be home in DC. This is what this time of the year does for me. Gives me a brighter outlook on life.

It seemed just like yesterday that I was beginning my 30-day fast during the month of September last year. I had entered that month with great expectation. By the end of the fast…it was as if heaven’s doors opened up for me. This year I wasn't led to do a 30-day fast, but I’m still expecting the Lord to do great things in this new season, as well. I can already feel it.

Jesus said……the food that keeps me going is that I do the will of the One who sent me, finishing the work he started. As you look around right now, wouldn't you say that in about four months it will be time to harvest? Well, I'm telling you to open your eyes and take a good look at what’s right in front of you. These Samaritan fields are ripe. It’s harvest time! --John 4:34-35