Standing Firm

Talk about being in the groove. For the last few days, over my Thanksgiving holiday, I’ve been just pressing forward. Excited about what the Lord is doing and just walking firmly into His will. My family has joined in a business project that we had no idea was going to happen to this magnitude---or at all. But, ironically, back in May my uncle felt the need to do a mass family prayer in which we all connected across the country by phone and internet to pray. See July’s entry Family Prayer.

Today, we join together not just to eat, play, and provide emotional support as families normally do, but today we are joining for a cause…….to secure an inheritance for our children‘s children. This is the first time that we’re all working together. And it’s a task. We’re all in our own worlds professionally so to bring each of our professional skills to the family table…….well God is good---lol. Bottomline.

So last night, I was in the groove. Professionally, I am sooo driven. I had exchanged a few phone calls with two of my sisters, they were fueling the fire, and so we all were/are just in this motivation mode. Everybody’s so excited. But about 11:00p I get a phone call from a friend. I was actually glad to hear from him, didn’t have a chance to call him on Thanksgiving. But he remembered me and beat me to the punch. He actually said he called me because “he couldn’t sleep.”

Anyway, so he and I talked. I gave him the run down of my Thanksgiving with the family and so on and so forth. The abrupt change in travel plans due to the foot of snow in Deep Creek making it very dangerous to travel with a caravan of seven cars and babies. Then he hit me. He got really serious and started telling me how he’s noticed a change in me over the last year or so. Said I am now very “subdued”. I sat quietly and listened. He is a well-respected friend. And my friends are just not for casual conversation, but they’re in my circle for life and to help me grow.

So I listened. In fact, I couldn’t move. He just basically said that the “QueensNY/PGCounty Jill” seems to have disappeared. I knew what he meant. The “no-nonsense Jill” done got quiet all of a sudden. It was clear that he was insinuating my change in behavior was due to [my friend] being in my life. But I listened. And for a long moment I got sad cause I felt that I had changed. I mean, I’ve noticed the change in me, but now for someone else to notice and be bold enough to call me on it…….I felt bad. It felt like I was losing myself. Or out of control. In my mind I was seriously thinking…….is the change really worth it.

After we hung up, after an hour or so of conversation, I was motionless and speechless. I did manage to shut-down the computer and head to the bed. I just needed quietness. Needed to think, meditate, speak with the Lord. I was clearly confused. My mind and my Spirit wasn’t in agreement. The past few months just haven't made sense to me (and obviously not to my friend either). So I lay still in the night just thinking and thinking trying to figure this thing out. Then I started thinking about my 30-day fast in September 2007, a month prior to me meeting [my friend]. I had asked the Lord to change me. I had asked the Lord to change my attitude, and to make me a better person for the man HE wanted in my life. And then I felt peace. The Holy Spirit’s voice became louder than my thoughts and I just kept hearing…… “I’ve changed you and it’s not suppose to make human sense.” And “man would never understand with his finite mind”. It was so clear. Talk about having God’s presence and peace over me. He told me to stand firm. Then I drifted off to sleep.

This morning I clicked on the television exactly when Joel Osteen was coming on. I don’t even know why the channel was there cause I don’t remember watching anything last night. But as the Lord does, He will put you at the right place at the right time. So I listened to Joel and all I needed to hear was the part where he talked about the story of Esau and Jacob. He talked about how Esau allowed Jacob to carry away his blessing. We’re talking about BROTHERS. In fact, TWINS. How close could they have been. But Joel was basically saying how we can allow others--even the ones closest to us--to carry away what God has blessed us with.

Over the last year or so, I have changed. And it is evident change. My way obviously didn't work. So I prayed for a change in me. And believed God to do it His way. I’m now patient and kinder. I’m more understanding and less critical. I trust more and I give more of myself. I’m more humbled and I’m learning how to truly forgive. I've learned how to be the less dominate and allow the leaders in my life to lead. I used to be a control-freak. But the Lord has humbled me. And I feel more closer to Him now than EVER. I can’t explain it.

My cousin said to me on Thanksgiving out of the blue…… “so Jill when are you starting a ministry. I just see this presence over you. You have presence. Like you need to speak.” I should have taken the hint then, but since my cousin is always on joke-time I laughed with everybody else. But I know the Lord is doing a mighty work in me. So I won’t apologize for who He’s making me to be. And so I’m standing firm on His promises.

A Talk About Giving

Ok, ok this entry is a little late since Thanksgiving was yesterday. But for me Thanksgiving is everyday so I won’t beat myself up. Cause I hate being late--lol.

Anyway……I’ll spare the details of “My Big Family Thanksgiving” and get to something a little more serious. I mean in all honesty, I wouldn’t even know where to begin (or end) with what went down with the family over the last seven days or so---lol. You know we always got drama---good drama, good drama (lol). But to sum it up, we had an AWESOME Thanksgiving--laughing, joking, and eating, eating, eating, eating…… But we do this as a regular ritual---not just on Thanksgiving. So thank God for giving me a great family. Our family is growing by the hour and our bond by the second!!!! We’ve come a looooong way (lol).

Ok, so over the last couple of months I’ve been really pondering a message that my Pastor had preached on. He talked about how we should give out of our need, not just when it is convenient for us to give. So I’ve been consciously practicing this. I gotta tell ya…..it ain’t easy. I mean, lots of pride is breaking and I even sometimes fight myself for trying this. But what I’m finding is that I’m becoming a better person out of it. I mean, I’m truly learning how to properly give.

Have I ever told you that I dislike selfish people---lol. No REALLY, I cannot stand to be around selfish people. It’s like they are life suckers. Ugh. And not to toot my own horn, but I’m a giver by nature. I luuuv to give. However, I am coming to realize that I’m a selfish giver. I mean, the bulk of my giving is out of my “this is what I have to give” stash. But I rarely give out of my “I need this for myself” stash. I admit this. But I’ve been practicing. Really, I have (lol). So I’ve decided to take some time, out of family time, to reflect on this past month and how I’ve been consciously trying to give out of my need so here goes.

A couple of weeks ago, I was really going through one of those moments where I needed [my friend] to feed my emotions. I mean REALLY. I am 100% woman--lol. There are just certain times of the “year” when the emotions are going haywire and I was going through that time and just wanted him, not anybody else but him, to give me some emotional support. I didn’t feel like working, nor did I feel like talking to anybody else. I just wanted to be his big baby. Perhaps some cooing, encouragement, laughter, prayer….something.

But just when I was about to call him, a colleague came to my desk. She looked so distraught. She clearly needed some emotional support too. I’ve actually been sharing some of my lunch time with her and providing a listening ear on a personal situation. This day, however, it wasn’t lunch time and I wanted to tell her that I was about to make an important phone call. But I bit my tongue and moved the pile of folders off of my side chair. After an hour or so of encouraging her, dag on if my need wasn’t fulfilled. In fact, when I eventually spoke with [my friend] I started encouraging him--lol.

Then there is a another situation. Awww, the money thing. Okay, don’t know about you, but if I was told to give my right arm or give my money I’d have to give my arm cause I don’t have ANY money to give. I mean, I need all of my money---lol. So this “giving out of need” practice was very challenging for a sistah when it came to my money. Anyway, a couple of weeks ago I was going through this tire situation thingy--see the entry RUNNING ON FLAT. I had budgeted $300 for two front tires, only to get a reality check that for my car they were close to $700. Sooo, my budget was short. Very short. And I panicked. My payday was actually a week away and the thought of putting the remaining balance on a credit card was nerve racking. Should I, shouldn’t I, should I, shouldn’t I….ugh!! I was frantic. But I needed the tires immediately because my family was planning to be in the mountains skiing for Thanksgiving.

So as I’m going through the calculations in my head, trying to figure out how to rob Peter to pay Paul (lol), I get a phone call. It was one of my girlfriends. She says to me, “Jill I’m in desperate need of about $100 and I don’t have it.” Like me, her payday wasn’t until the following week either. She says, “I have a check but the bank has a 5-day hold on it.” So I’m thinking…….this is not the time to be telling me about no financial woes. I wanted to say….and I have a desperate need for $400 and if I don’t get it by the end of the day I won’t have a car to drive. But I put me aside and I thought about my friend and her son. And without thinking further I went down to the ATM and withdrew $140 and gave it to her. I didn’t know HOW I was going to get the rest of the money to pay for my tires. My car ended up being parked for the next several days. And even in that I know there was a reason the Lord had me in a standstill, immobile position. But by Friday I had adjusted my accounts and had the money. On Saturday, I drove out of Tires Plus with my two $700 run flat tires.

Giving out of need is not easy. I mean, if I have it I have no problem giving…..whatever. Whether its time, money, a listening ear, support…..whatever. I’ve given of myself hundreds and hundreds of times. Shucks, probably millions of times. But I’d have to be honest…..90% of the time it is giving out of want and convenience, and not from my own personal needs. Learning to give out of need is a good lesson for me.

Let the word of Christ dwell in you richly in all wisdom, teaching and admonishing one another in psalms and hymns and spiritual songs, singing with grace in your hearts to the Lord. And whatever you do in word or deed, do all in the name of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks to God the Father through Him. --Colossians 3:16-17

The Awesome Foursome

Yes, yes I caught the Reunion of the Real Housewives of ATL last night. In fact, the phone was on overdrive with reminders that it came on at 9pm, instead of 10pm. To be honest, I was a little disappointed. I wanted to see more. Not a fight or anything, but some type of solution. Answers. Didn’t get it. So I don’t have much to say about the reunion itself. Oh, Dwight is the man—lol. But what I did come to realize is that the four “sistahs” parallel me and my three sisters almost to the tee. I had to sit back and think about this thing. It is AMAZING how one can find almost exact comparisons in others.

I always talk about my sisters. Ok, my family--lol. But my older sisters in particular. Yes, yes I love the younger ones, Schley and Gernae, but it’s the three older ones that are considered the Awesome Foursome. We were the ORIGINAL grandchildren---lol (ok, I’ma get my butt kicked for this one). But seriously, out of the 17 grandchildren we were the first four. All girls with two young uncles and tons of boy cousins---go figure. And we were spoiled rotten. Stair steps, we came on the scene in the late 60’s, early 70’s and we had an impact. Perhaps it was our cute ponytails, or our matching Rothschild coats, or our outspokenness. Ok, my outspokenness--lol. But, we were our grandparent’s hearts. Directly behind each other in age, it was 3 whole years before Timmy (the first boy) was born. But by that time, we had already established ourselves as a responsible team of toddlers and felt more like Timmy’s mothers than sisters. We’ve always been above our time. Always been go-getters. And have always been looked upon as very influential in our family. People luuuuv to be around the four of us. We have so much synergy.

So last night I’m sitting watching the reunion and I’m tripping. I should’ve gotten the hint a couple of weeks ago when I had my niece over for the weekend and we watched one of the RHA episodes. But last night it hit me like a ton of bricks. So I’ma break down the comparisons from my oldest sister down to the youngest one of the Awesome Foursome. I’m sure when they read this they will get a kick out of it, as I am.

Ok, here goes.

NeNe/Tammy. NeNe is my oldest sister Tammy for sure. Where in the heck do I start—lol. Ok, REAL to the core. Hilarious and will keep you laughing ALL THE TIME. Drama queen--always got something going on. Will cut a female off quick at no fault of her own. But has a big heart and will give you the benefit of the doubt at first. Will do ANYTHING for you. In fact, Tammy just started watching RHA last week and concluded that the only one she liked was NeNe because she seemed the “realest”. Like NeNe, we’ve had to calm Tammy down at a many of social functions because somebody disrespected her and she ended up cussing and fussing causing a scene.

Like NeNe’s husband, my brother-in-law cannot control Tammy either—lol. I think that’s why he loves her. She speaks her mind. And like NeNe, Tammy is the life of the party. When she arrives the music gets even louder. Like NeNe, Tammy will always have a drink in her hand or will ask for it if it doesn’t greet her at the door. And the college scene---which my niece first caught the comparison a few weeks ago, saying “that’s my mother and my brother”, had Tammy written all over it.

Last year, Tammy took my nephew to college---Benedict in SC---and according to my mother, it was a hilarious day. Tammy was walking around the campus looking younger than my nephew, at the same time running her mouth, busting him out for his lack of home maintenance skills all while handling her business and celebrating the moment for taking her child thus far in life. Like it was her accomplishment. Talk about happy for her child, probably reminiscing of the days when it was just the two of them (her single-parent days), like NeNe and Brice. And the final thing, NeNe’s word is BAM! And Tammy’s word is FINISHED!

Sheree/Martese. Oh my goodness!!! Sheree is my older sister Martese without a doubt. Both very petite and realizes that they have the advantage over the rest of us when it comes to genes—lol. Doesn’t frequent the gym or follows a diet, and no Botox needed. In fact, all of us have had some type of cosmetic procedure except for Martese.

Like Sheree, Martese is a single parent and boasts about her child. She too has an honor roll daughter that you will hear about and see the report card if need be--lol. Like Sheree, Martese knows her worth, will remind you, believes that she deserves her just due (ok, maybe not seven figures—lol), and ain't taking no foolishness from a man. Like Sheree, Martese is very feisty and has this stern look about her, but underneath it all….she’s putty and has a heart of gold.

Martese too has a low tolerance for people, and juggles her friends accordingly. Creative, creative, creative!!! Like Sheree, Martese has such a creative vision and can make ANYTHING in her mind. But she can’t seem to pull the pieces together in reality. But like Sheree, if you mess up her pieces or cross her the wrong way she will explode. But then she'll blame herself for falling for the okie doke--again. Like Sheree, a born leader, Martese knows when to be the teacher (she just happens to be one) and when to be the student. I loved watching a humbled Sheree as she took constructive criticism from Michael Knight, the fashion designer. That scene spoke volumes.

Lisa/Jill. I would be Lisa. Ok. Where do I start. Like Lisa, I am ALL OVER THE PLACE---LOL. I have fifteen different careers, but can juggle them all---lol. I’ll try any profession at least once. Ironically, I too am a real estate agent and will negotiate a deal in a heart beat to get a big commission check. What, you say my husband/mate is the real breadwinner????? Not so. We’re a team and his six figures ain’t guaranteed. I, too, am very rational and practical, and realize it takes TWO to make a marriage work these days.

Like Lisa, though we both seem to like nice things business comes before fashion. Don’t need a full-time make-up artist, and will put on a baseball cap if need be. Not into the superficial. If it can’t pay the bills---NEXT. What, a chef? Not. As long as one of us has the activities of our limbs then go cut up the chicken and make the soup. No frivolous spending here. Like Lisa, I ain’t trying to compete with the Joneses, nor do I consider myself a Jones. I’m satisfied with the well-maintained, medium sized house (on the golf course) thank you—lol.

Talk about the freaking energizer bunny. Like Lisa, I’m always yapping and making connections. And always the one to get EVERYBODY together. I’m the matchmaker and the peacemaker, and will get upset when everybody is not on the same page as Lisa was when the others didn’t show up at DeShawn’s. Confrontation…….like Lisa, I will confront a situation with no problem---AND WHERE WERE YOU? I will laugh when it is time to laugh, and if you asked me if I laughed I’ll tell you yes….but in a smooth-over type of way (come on now---we all know Lisa added a little fuel to the fire). But like Lisa, my main goal is always for all of us to just get along.

It’s funny because a few weeks ago I had a conversation with [my friend] and he was talking about possibly taking a position in another city. And just like Lisa, I told him although I support it I don’t like it. I made it clear. He hasn’t mentioned it since. Umph. --lol.

DeShawn/Shonta. This is getting scarier and scarier---lol. Ok, aside from the similarities in their names, both "Shawn and Shon" are in their own worlds. Like DeShawn, Shonta is very quiet, and her actions speak much louder than her mouth. She too is a woman of few words, but she expresses her wants and desires in a way that she gets what she wants, when she wants it. Like DeShawn, Shon will ask for help, but she ain’t begging (ok, none of us do that—lol). But if she doesn’t hear from you she moves on---like DeShawn did with Sheree.

Like DeShawn and Eric, Shon and my brother-in-law (who too is such a good guy) have been attached at the hip since they became legal. Almost 20 years. They’ve grown together and accomplished many things together---establishlishing a “very comfortable” lifestyle. Like DeShawn, Shon is the one with the big, fabulous house and seem to be the most secure in her marriage. And as much as the rest of us strive to make a better life for our individual families….we have come to realize that Shon will always be the one that “has it going on”.

Like DeShawn, Shon too likes to be around people, but will not be moved or stopped if others are fighting. In fact, while others are fighting Shon is usually planning her next trip or something in her mind. Totally oblivious. She does her and she does it well. What, did you ask what’s her profession? We know she works, not exactly sure what she does on a daily, but does it really matter….her husband got her back. Lol.

As I’m typing I am literally tripping out---lolol. This is hilarious. Especially after seeing Lisa and NeNe, the loud mouths causing all the drama last night. That is me and Tammy all the way. The two outspoken ones while the other two sit back and watch us act a fool. But though there are many, many, many similarities with these ladies the one thing that we are different in is that NO ONE can come in and interrupt our bond. NO ONE.

If I may share an opinion, I think the most disappointing thing with this season of RHA is how they allowed Kim to come in and play them. I’d have to say that Kim couldn’t have done that with my sister. See, none of us are that pressed for friendship that we have to be open and vulnerable to troublemakers causing blindness. Kim played both sides and she did it well. But you know what’s really baffling……how did Sheree fall for the okie doke?? It says a lot about her insecurities. I mean, how does one think that they can build a strong and lasting friendship on a foundation of sand. Kim and Sheree’s “friendship” was built on their negative opinions of NeNe. It’s even sadder that many friendships are built like this on a regular. On another's misery. With all the conversation either talking negatively about someone else or feeding each other's low-self-esteem---you’re beautiful, no you’re beautiful, no you’re beautiful. As Dwight says…….dreadful.

Whew!!! I thank God for good friendships---female and male. Ones that have been built on years of love and respect. But there’s always that one special friend. Thank God for him (and her—lol). But I have solid unions that aren’t swayed by the wind. There’s a scripture that says…….a man of many companions may come to ruin, but there is a friend who sticks closer than a brother. –Psalm 18:24. Many people assume that the Bible is referring to the friend as Jesus. But the friend is a small “f” which leads a lot of us to believe that the Bible is speaking of general friendship. Umph. I thank God for true friends, and I praise Him even more for giving me sisters.

Power of the Tongue

I think this entry is overdue. Over-overdue. Loooong overdue--lol. This entry actually comes from a very, very personal place since for years I've struggled in this area. See, I used to have a very sharp tongue. I mean, I could say two words and destroy a person. I used to boast about it. In fact, my loved ones would boast about it too. My closest girlfriend use to say, “oh goodness, Jill bout to cut her down.” I mean, I would allow people to just take me there. And not that I’m justifying my sharp tongue, but my outbursts have always come out of a defensive place. I’ve never been an offensive person. I mean, I try my best to respect people. But if you offend me or cross me the wrong way---I would cut you with my tongue. Talk about a weapon. Many relationships have been destroyed because of my strong verbal rebuttals resulting in years of hurt, regret, and unforgiveness. Whew!! Thank God for His grace and mercy.

Today, I’m delivered. At least I’m claiming my deliverance—lol. Every now and again, satan tries me. Like a couple of weeks ago after reading an entry from a respected blogger. Her entry was very offensive and disappointing to several of us loyal readers. Of course I voiced my concerns. And I could’ve taken it much further, but she apologized and I wholeheartedly accepted her apology. She is forgiven. The old Jill wanted to call her out publicly, but I’m not the old Jill. Hallelujah!!! LOLOL. I’m learning daily not to respond to foolishness---turning lemons into lemonade. I actually ask the Lord to bridle my tongue on a daily. I mean, I’m tried constantly. But I’ve made a conscious decision to use my tongue to glorify and uplift and encourage, not to slander and just speak ridiculously for the sake of “having a voice”. I’m learning daily that life and death are in the power of the tongue. And that what we say---publicly and/or privately---can have lasting affects.

The tongue has the power of life and death, and those who love it will eat its fruit. –Proverbs 18:21

But I do feel led to speak today---respectfully. Lolol. Just feel led to clarify some things. To make us better folk--lol. Ok, I want to say that what I’m expressing today is derived from being a passionate former public relations practitioner; however the affects/effects of one’s mouth, the rules to fix the damaging tongue, and the rewards of speaking appropriately, are actually found in the Word of God. Throughout the Bible the Lord speaks about the power of the tongue---especially in Proverbs and James. What we say out of our mouths determines our life’s path. And a many of us have destroyed ourselves because of what we have spoken---privately and/or publicly. This leads me to a very touchy subject---some of us are “creatively” using our intellectual gifts and talents as an excuse to say what the heck we want without realizing the damage the tongue is doing on us personally.

Uuuukay, let me first say that as Americans we have the freedom of speech. We can say what we want and how we want at free will. HOWEVER, when verbalizing our opinions publicly—whether it’s on our personal sites or on a CD or any other public format---if it is opened to an audience we can pretty much expect feedback. ESPECIALLY when we speak negatively---slandering and belittling people because of personal choices or because we think we’re better and born of the “chosen elite”. THEREFORE, if we dare to let our creative juices flow into public territory then we’d better be prepared to reap what we sow.

What is disappointing me is that some of us are so consumed with self that there’s this “I don’t care about the audience because it’s all about me” attitude when using our gifts and talents. Ok, I’m talking about the folk that are claiming to be Godly. Claiming to be Christians. When we come to realize that IT IS NOT ABOUT US as individuals, then I can guarantee—from personal experience---the the Lord will work on each of our behalves and open many doors. But as long as we’re using our gifts and talents selfishly and flowing out of a selfish place then we will continue to be stuck and unhappy and depressed and baffled and confused.

When I think of this I think of the great Dutch painter Vincent van Gogh. Van Gogh painted nearly 2,000 pieces of art within a 10 year period. And only sold TWO. After struggling with depression he succumbed to suicide at 37 years old---shooting himself in the chest. It wasn’t until after his death that he became famous for his work of art.

Gifts and talents are not meant to be tucked in a secret, selfish place for self-fulfillment. Especially when you're relying on the public for your content. I’ve expressed this in a previous entry. Gifts and talents are meant to be shared and expressed for God’s glory. He’s the Giver, NOT US. It ain’t nothing we did or can do to hold such gifts as we’d like to believe. He decides how He wants us to use our gifts and talents. Our gratification should come from how our gifts and talents inspire and touch others. Not how we can touch ourselves. Inspiring others is what accelerates us to go higher. There’s a song that used to come on the radio years ago that says: What good is a song if it can’t inspire---if it has no message to bring. If a song cannot take you higher, higher, higher, then it’s not good enough to sing. I mean, I cannot stress this enough-----IT’S NOT ABOUT YOU (OR ME)!!!! It’s about the message and the receiver. And some of us just refuse to understand this, therefore we face the repercussions.

If I forget you, O Jerusalem, may my right hand forget its skill. May my tongue cling to the roof of my mouth if I do not remember you, if I do not consider Jerusalem my highest joy. --Psalm 13:5-6

As I’ve stated many times before, writing in this blog helps to relieve stress. But I have to be honest with you, lots of times I hesitate on writing entries only because I don’t want to send the wrong message. I ain’t trying to constantly send out negative vibes--no, no, no. I mean, I express the good and the bad. But though my entries come from a very personal place, I can’t just release haphazardly. Don’t get it twisted……what I’m saying is real and from my heart, but I’m just led what to say and what not to say. Some issues---okay all issues---for me call for going to God and God alone. My gifts and talents are not God. They come from God, but they are NOT GOD. Therefore, my gifts and talents are used in its proper place. And so when I REALLY need to vent I don’t blog---I go to my prayer closet. I luuuv the saying….. “Lord thank you for the gift, but it’s the Giver I want!!”

This blog was created because I firmly believe that the Lord led me to do so. There’s this misconception that Christians are claiming to be perfect. Not so. This blog was created so that we in the Body of Christ can be a support and encouragement to one another as we live our Christian journeys. Since attaching a counter, I am amazed at the numbers. It baffles me daily to see people regularly logging in all over the world. And the emails of encouragement when I’m going through my “moody Mondays”. And so I know the Lord is using me and that this is waaaay above Jill. And so I pray daily that the Lord will guide and guard my tongue when communicating through this public medium for I know that as fast as my testimonies go up they can crash down. Soooo, I would like to take a moment to say that if I have offended ANY of my readers, I apologize. I haven’t received any negative feedback, but that doesn’t mean I couldn’t have crossed somebody’s line. If so, trust me……I’m reprimanded. I can’t get away with NOTHING!!! Lololol.

But as I end this entry, I’d like to say that not all of us public folk are using our gifts and talents selfishly. There’s a blogger that I must commend. He actually served as an inspiration with the development of this blog. I’ve been reading his entries since he first debuted. He’s one of my FAVORITE photographers (Pete I said ONE—lol!!). And his creativeness shouts---JUST SHOUTS “WOW” to me. His name is Ross Oscar Knight. Talk about a TRUE gift and talent. I mean, I luuuv this brutha. And the special thing about him is that he could have set his limits to a website in displaying his work and probably still would have made lots of money and gotten his message across. But he went a step further. See, his gifts and talents are not limited to just the visual. His real message, to me, comes via his blog. I mean, he and Brandi (his wife) are just so inspiring. I’ve followed them from courtship, to med school, to their engagement, to their wedding, to just being an inspiration in so many other people’s lives. By making lasting memories for others. They actually inspire me to be better---mind, body, and soul. Just seeing how they extend themselves pass their gifts and talents inspire me. I’m telling you----It’s not just about us. You’d be amazed who’s watching and reading.

Weekend Check-In

So much is going on in my life this week---family emergencies, weird dreams that I truly believe are warning messages, and other stuff . The only reason I am checking in is to update my meditation scripture for the week. Please keep a sistah in your prayers.

Though He slay me, yet will I trust Him...... --Job 13:15

My Cup Runneth Over

Another accomplishment completed!! Whew.

Last night I had my last session of an 8-week course I took to become a Certified Life Coach. What a great experience. Just the fact that I completed yet another project feels darn good. I love accomplishments. They drive me. Especially, since over the years I’ve started many projects only to jump off when the good was gone. I can’t even tell you how many “You’re an Official Quitter” cards I’ve collected. But one of the great lessons I’m learning is how to endure and not to quit when things aren’t necessarily going my way. Or when I’m bored. Or when something frustrates me.

But the great thing about this accomplishment is that I truly feel fulfilled---mind, body, and soul. Aside from the fact that I am helping people—got my first client this morning. But the fact that I felt the Lord in this from the beginning. I was really obedient to answering His call, staying on His path, and just having faith that He was doing His thing. And He worked out the details PERFECTLY. And dag on if Bill Winston didn't confirm all this this morning. I know it was nobody but the Lord giving me strength to take a 9pm class for 8 weeks during the week, not the weekend. THANK YOU LORD FOR STRENGTH AND FOR SUSTAINING MY MIND AND MY BODY. Many incidents came up that gave me legitimate excuses to cancel, but I never missed one class nor was I late to any. Many times I was so exhausted and just wanted to go home and go to bed, but I endured.

So last night as I was speaking with the instructor---finalizing things and going over the exam---she says to me, “Jill, tonight will not be our last night speaking because I am led to mentor you and become YOUR Life Coach as you prepare for your ministry.” Talk about feeling honored. This woman travels all over the world coaching coaches, as well as providing life coaching to clients that include executives, pastors, and high level officials. She went on to say that the ministry in which I am called to do is rare and very needed, and she wants to ensure that I stay positioned and in the face of God to seek direction. She said she just felt led to hold my hand to get the ministry up and rolling. In fact, she gave me a mandatory assignment that is due next week---whew. And although I felt so relieved that my class was over last night, a weird feeling of going to the next level came over me. So I accepted her proposal and the assignment with gratitude and will be working on it diligently this weekend.

You know, I say all the time……if we’re constantly pouring out to others---providing advice and counsel, motivating, helping, encouraging, being a listening ear, or just being a giving friend it is imperative that we’re being poured back into. You know the saying…. “you can’t feed from an empty cup”. I find this to be so true. And vice versa. If you’re constantly on the receiving end….IT’S TIME TO GIVE BACK. POUR INTO SOMEONE ELSE’S LIFE. PLANT A SEED SOMEWHERE. START A MINISTRY. OR A NONPROFIT. SOMETHING. JUST START GIVING!!!

Man, it feels good to have an official mentor who is a professional professional, AND loves and honors the Lord. That feels darn good. I’m so excited about where the Lord is taking me.

We plan the way we want to live, but only God makes us able to live it. A good leader motivates, doesn't mislead, doesn't exploit. --Proverbs 16:9-10 (Message)

Running On Flat

I’m in one of those moods today. I feel flat broke. Like I need a part-time gig or a husband-on-demand--lol. No seriously, I don’t know if I need better income or need to better manage my income. I’d like to think that I manage my finances well. But the last few weeks seem like unexpected expenses have been popping up just to test my nerves. I mean, it’s not like I can’t take care of my needs, but its just that it’s catching me totally off guard with the holidays and family trips approaching and stuff. Alright, I’m not going to act like a spoiled, rotten brat because my emergency fund is a little low. Or because I’ve maxed out on all the credit cards----oh gosh, Hun I hope you’re not reading this entry today--lol. But I gotta vent.

Ok, I don’t want to admit it, but I do have a pretty decent salary and shouldn’t be stressing like this. And even without the “sell-a-house-every-six-months” bonus I do okay. I mean, I’ve managed well since the decline of the real estate market. I mean, I can no longer go into my favorite specialty shop and buy on impulse, but if I see something I want I can budget and plan for the purchase on an upcoming payday. I do believe I have a handle on my finances. And I’m a stickler for balancing my accounts. I mean, I rarely go over my bi-weekly budget. Ok, that’s a lie. Yes, I go over it frequently. But if you look on my bank statements you will see GIANT FOOD INC #19 listed most frequently and not Neimans or Saks. And I’d have to argue that going to the grocery store is a necessity.

But today I’m reaching my boiling point. About a month ago, I was told that my front tires were going bald. I was pissed when I was told because---ok for several reasons. But after a week or so I juggled the finances to properly maintain my vehicle. My thought was that for two front tires it couldn’t cost me any more than $300 max. So for the last few weeks I’ve been blindly “shopping” with an extra $300 sitting in my checking account. I’m thinking……if it ain’t snowing---that’s another story since I just witnessed the first sign of winter this afternoon---but if it ain’t a blizzard than I can get away with a few more days. You know….thinking I got time on my side and will be okay since the money is in the bank.

So last night I realized that next week I’ll be driving to the “snowy” mountains for Thanksgiving and would need to get the tires changed in order to make the trip. So this morning I took an extra five minutes to look on the tires to find the proper numbers. My plan was that when I got in the office it would be first priority—at lunch time ;-)---to call around for quotes and to make an appointment. I did that. And now I’m hurting.

See, it didn’t dawn on me that I have “run flat” tires. Meaning that even if a nail punctured the tire it wouldn’t go flat. That was one of the selling points back in 2006 when I decided to purchase “Kay”. But after reading all of the online customer comments, perhaps I should have thought about this feature a little more carefully. I mean, don’t get it twisted, I luuuuuv my car and am spoiled with the features, but the maintenance I’m now feeling is ridiculous. So I just received the lowest quote and the total for TWO tires………$667.00!!!! That’s without tax and the alignment that’s obviously causing the baldness. So, even though I’m not actually “running on flat”, my budget is screaming differently.

Ok, just took a breather while writing this entry. I thought about it…….I pay my tithes faithfully and so I’m trusting God to work out the finances. I know He got my back. Ummmm. I just made an appointment to get my $700 tires this Saturday morning.

Endurance

So my pastor is preaching a new series of messages entitled, Endurance. The timing is so right for me to hear this. Not that I want to give up on anything, but hearing this reaffirms my commitment to God and being patient with His plan. I think the biggest lesson I am learning, or should I say the biggest adjustment of Jill, since I have re-committed myself back to the Lord is learning how to endure. I’m sure God knew what He was doing by making endurance (patience) one of the fruits of the Spirit, as well as the first ingredient to love.

Talk about endurance. My pastor recited the story of Jacob, found in Genesis. The story basically is about Jacob, the son of Isaac, grandson of Abraham, who had met a young lady named Rachel. It was love at first sight. He was smittened. For he fell for Rachel’s beauty and charm. So he decided that he wanted to marry her in which he had to get permission from her father. The father agreed as long as Jacob would work a certain amount of time to gain her hand. Seven years. Well it didn’t go as planned. See, Rachel’s older sister Leah was single. And it wasn’t customary for the younger sister to be married before the older sister. So the father basically tricked Jacob by having him work, but then not giving him Rachel but Leah. But Jacob knew who he was supposed to be with. To sum the story, it was 14 years later when Jacob finally got his bride, Rachel.

This to me is one of the highest tests of endurance. On both parts. Rachel had to see the man she knew was hers--WITH HER SISTER. Bearing children--WITH HER SISTER. But she held on. Just knowing that God had this man for her. She believed even though she was jealous and went through the motions. I can’t even imagine. Umph. But we know the point of the story--had they given up and been disobedient Jacob’s 12th son, Benjamin wouldn’t have been born. Benjamin was the 12th Tribe of Israel. Umph.

This week is special for me. See, this week is my seventh anniversary at the Department of Health and Human Services (DHHS). I never forget my first day. I was told that the position was a communications/public affairs position when I interviewed. I was so eager since it was in my same field of public relations, but a new industry---Government. But when I got there, the position was administrative. NOT WHAT I APPLIED FOR!!! I was pissed.

The next week after starting, since I knew it was Thanksgiving week and many would be out including my boss, I was going to use the time to look for another job. I got interviews, but no offers. Then the weeks passed. And the months. And the years. And I think it wasn’t until my third or fourth year that I realized God was in control. And that He was doing something that I couldn’t comprehend. Many, many times I wanted to quit. And many, many times I tried. I mentioned this in previous entries. I mean, some mornings I felt like life was being sucked out of me. And because the contract I was on was crap, I didn’t even have sick leave to take a mental break. I was very unhappy and working beneath my skills and pay. Talk about enduring.

BUT GOD. BUT GOD. BUT GOD.

As I said, it took me a few years to realize that it wasn’t about me and that God had me on this job for a reason. His purpose. So I eventually started going in with a smile on my face. And I started to “get it”. Can I just say that there are many of us in this situation. I would assume that at least 75% of us work on jobs that we don’t want to do. But we have to. And most of the time its because God has a plan. A lot of times it is because we’re scared to step out on faith--but that’s another entry for another day (lol). I mean, honestly if I could do my dream job it would probably be full-time wife and mother with a nice salary, and a nice benefits package. I’d dibble and dabble everyday into interior decorating (my homes that is), sell a house or two if I felt like it, and support my husband’s career. That’s a perfect plan for me. But it obviously ain’t God’s plan so I’m retired from that dream---lol.

But God has a plan for my life and I am happy about it. Cause see, my finite consciousness can’t think like God, therefore my dreaming capabilities are limited. So I trust God totally with my life cause I’ll mess it up if left up to me. And I know He has the best plan for me and my happiness. Caused He promised me the desires of my heart.

So as I mark the seventh year on my current job, I stay connected and in tuned to God. I don’t know what my next career move is or where God will take me in the next months, I know what I want to do, but my steps are ordered by God. And not that it was all bad because over the last seven years I have accomplished bountifully. So I’ll be at HHS until the Lord opens the door for me to move on. I won’t even mention that had I quit I would probably go back to my first administrative position here at HHS just to work under Obama’s Administration. But God knew the bigger plan and kept me sustained for a reason. Umph. Thank you, Lord for teaching me how to endure.

The Secret Place

I’ve been doing a lot of thinking over the last week or so. Or maybe longer. Thinking about dreams and goals. You know how I do—lol. Sometimes I wish, ok a lot of times I wish, that I can live in my imaginary world. If I could…..man, you couldn’t tell me nothing in MY world. I don’t know…it might be boring. And I might be miserable. But it would be a very colorful world for me. I would make things how I would want them and control them accordingly. It would be a me, me, and more of me world—lol.

But I don’t live in an imaginary, colorful world so I guess I have to settle for the black and white of reality. But I have been thinking. More of goals. I want to add more accomplishments to my life. I mean, I’d love to work a little harder to purchase that big ole mcmansion in the Potomac. I dream about my library with pumpkin-colored walls and over-stuffed chocolate brown leather chairs. And maybe a champaign-colored 650i BMW convertible in “our” four-car garage---lol. Umph. I’m sure if I play my cards right, that’s street term for asking God what I want and exercising my faith to get it, I can have anything. Shucks, it’s worked thus far. May as well dream a little bigger. No really, I'm not big on “stuff” but I do like nice things.

But EVERYBODY has a colorful imagination. It’s just a part of who we are. Whether we use them or not and whether we recognize them or not, the imagination is where our gifts and talents live. I assume it’s the place between the Spiritual and the natural. It’s in the mind. It’s a garden of some sort. Not meant to be a permanent home, but just a place where we can vacate to. To pick out what we need to maintain on earth. I don’t think it’s meant for us to pick it apart---just ask Eve---but just to pick our gifts and talents from it so that they can be used for God’s glory here on earth.

One of my favorite reality shows aired its new season this week. It’s the Keyshia Cole Show—The Way It Is. I luuvs me some Keyshia. She’s just easy to love on. She is one who knows how to jump into the imagination by writing moving lyrics and making good music. But her real skill, in my opinion, comes from knowing how to pull from her colorful imagination and apply it to her black and white life of reality. The life of yes and no, good and bad, ins and outs, and ups and downs. She’s transferring her dreams to reality well. Her show, though some may think “ghetto” or “outrageous” or whatever, is sowing so many positive seeds. Since its first season her family has endured so many thought-provoking issues from abortion, to drugs and alcohol, to domestic abuse, to therapy sessions, to mother-daughter conflict, to single-parenthood. From its debut, Keyshia’s family has exemplified so much growth. I mean, they are a work-in-progress as we all are, but you can see the growth. It’s just something about when her sister Neffe smiles through her tears, and when their birth mother Frankie cries when her daughters call her momma. It makes my heart dance. It confirms……THERE IS A GOD!!!

If you don’t know the story of Keyshia Cole…..she is a twenty-something R&B singer. She was born to an EX-drug addict mother named Frankie, and a [blank] father. Like so many of us, she doesn’t know who her father is. But Keyshia was raised in Oakland, CA by the Coles, a God-fearing couple who raised her in the church with strong Spiritual values. And though Keyshia has had her share of personal drama, she’s turned out to be a well-adjusted and successful woman. Just handling her business by making the best choices. The show just basically follows the day-to-day lives of Keyshia and her family. Very far from perfect, they handle life’s obstacles by relying on their faith. And they’re making the best out of their journey.

I watched the latest episode the other night. Keyshia was frustrated with the ongoing battle of her birth mother and her foster mother---trying to please them both. Keyshia was so fed up that she stormed out of the house yelling…. “when will my life get better.” She says this as she’s driving off in her $250,000 car. Talk about money not being able to buy everything. But it’s the same car that’s in a lot of our imaginary worlds. Umph. I’m sure she could have settled for that car just being in her imaginary world, but she answered to God’s higher calling and just happened to get a dream car with it. Wow. As her birth mother shouts…. “I didn’t know I was going to be [a drug addict].” Keyshia shouted…… “And I didn’t know I was going to be a [superstar].” Through God’s strength, Keyshia takes care of EVERYBODY. I guess God knows who He could trust with what. Talk about things happening for God’s purpose and us being open and available vessels to receive Him. Umph. ……For unto whomsoever much is given, of him shall be much required: and to whom men have committed much, of him they will ask the more. –Luke 12:48. But with all of their battles, many on public display, I’m confident that Keyshia and her family would rather live their reality of black and white where God is getting the glory than a colorful fantasy where they are all alone.

Unfortunately, not everybody can afford to live in the imagination. I hear the rent is extremely high there—lol. It’ll cost ya something. Some of us have to live life in the natural. The natural life of black and white. But I think if we visited the imagination just long enough to pull out our life’s purpose then we’ve accomplished the mission. We’d get it---as Obama says.

But I have found a secret place that far exceeds the playground of the mind. See, the mind/imagination is a selfish place. But there is a place where you just give and give and give. Talk about gratifying. Actually, there’s no word to describe this place. It is THE Secret Place. The Holy of Holies. A place where you meet God just to worship Him and to rest in His glory. You have to truly know God to experience this place. You have to be filled with his Holy Spirit to visit this place. See, the mind can get you to the imaginary place, the body can get you to the earthly place (reality), but the Spirit gets you to THE SECRET place. And frankly, this is the only place that matters.

He that dwelleth in the secret place of the most High shall abide under the shadow of the Almighty. ---Psalm 91:1

A Praying Grandmother

It was not my intentions to get up early this morning. It’s a holiday for me and I had planned from the last holiday to sleep in--lol. I actually went to bed quite late last night with heavy thoughts turning into prayer which carried me into a deep sleep. But still rose up early as if I was going to work. Maybe its because it was a sunny day. And I hate being lazy on a sunny day. I don’t know. I’m weird.

But I got up and called my sister since she had to work. She and my niece had gotten in late last night and I wanted to make sure they were good. By 9am, I had already taken care of financial business--balancing the checkbook and going over my monthly budget. By 1pm, I had already deep conditioned and set my hair, watched 45 minutes of The View, and had my car waxed. Just had energy. Perhaps it was the strenuous workout I had with the girls last night. IDK.

As I was coming back home this afternoon an old song came on 104.1FM. It was Helen Baylor’s testimony. I luuuv hearing this song in which Helen gives the story of the beginning of her music career that was led by drugs and a promiscuous lifestyle. At one point I slowed down cause I was feeling what she was saying. Between her talk she would sing…… “But I had a praying grandmother.”

Sooo many thoughts are going through my mind. In my heart. Just thanking God for the praying grandmothers. Lord you are soooo good. I don’t take this lightly. And I don’t take for granted that it was because of anything that I did or because my family was more fortunate than any other family, but I thank you for a praying grandmother. I know it was nothing but YOUR GRACE that provided such a support system for my family. Women who stood in the gap of continuous prayer because some family members strayed from church and was introduced to the world’s system. So I thank you for a praying grandmother.

Today is my Aunt Diane’s 56th birthday. Like me, she’s not married and has no children. Her youthfulness is unreal. Though the third from the eldest, she has always carried herself as my grandparents baby. She’s spoiled. Even us, her grown nieces, spoil her. Whatever she wants, we got her. She’s just one of those that is loved. As [my friend] says….. “it’s just easy to love on her”.

I can’t even begin to tell you her story. She actually wrote and published her biography two years ago which details her life as an undefeated heavyweight female boxer. In 1978, my aunt, Diane “Dynamite” Clark took home the title, retiring off of it. Today, Laila Ali holds that title. In her book my aunt talks about her spiral down from her career which resulted in a heavy drug-use lifestyle. I remember back in the 80s and early 90s, we thought we had lost my aunt. She was so deep into drugs that if someone had told us they’d seen her in a drug house we were happy. Just happy to know she was still alive. She was way beyond our help.

In 1995, my grandmother died suddenly. It was during Easter break when my little sisters and cousins were visiting her. My grandmother got up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom, and with her grandchildren still sleeping in her bed she had a heart attack. She died instantly. But she was a God-fearing women. She prayed, she prayed, she prayed. She stood in the gap for her children and her grandchildren and her great-grandchildren.

Two days after my grandmother died, we sent a team out on the street to look for my aunt. The team didn’t know where to go just that my aunt was somewhere in Upstate New York. It was a miracle that they found her. It was said that she looked as if she had just taken a hit. When she was told that her mother had died, as she explains it today, her world changed instantly.

Since my grandmother’s death, my aunt’s life has taken a drastic turn. This just confirms that sometimes life's events DO have a profound affect on people. Good or bad. But man, where do I begin. Ok, first my aunt submitted her life TOTALLY to God. I remember the day in which she first went to church, post my grandmother’s death. Ironically, she was wearing all white. But she came home and looked as if a light was shining over her. She said she had felt soooo free. Like years of burdens were lifted. She's very deep. Always been into poetry and lyrics. In her own world. She can analyze any situation down to earth's core. Just deep. But you could see the presence of God on her. Everything that she had carried, all the extra baggage and stuff, seemed to be gone. She started studying God’s word and being obedient to His commands. In a few short years, her life was put back on track.

She now resides in Houston, TX where she is living a very prosperous, DRUG-FREE life. She’s written a book, she’s constantly interviewed by the media, and she was featured in an HBO special this past summer about boxing legends.

So today is her birthday and I had to call her. I hadn’t heard from her since last week during our Obama victory. She keeps me laughing all the time. But I called her and just hearing her speak brought chills to me. She says that she is in the gym all day long. She’s training to fight again (lol)---okay I ain’t getting into that one right now. But she had me laughing. She said that she doesn’t look at age because if you look in the Bible everybody who accomplished something great was much older than she is. She has a point. I laughed. I mean, just talking to her you can feel God’s favor in action. And she told me that her life is nothing short of a miracle, but you’ve got to have the will and determination to live. And to allow God to have control. Man, my grandmother’s prayers are certainly answered.

Let him turn away from evil and do good; Let him seek peace and pursue it. For the eyes of the LORD are on the righteous, And His ears are open to their prayers; But the face of the LORD is against those who do evil.” And who is he who will harm you if you become followers of what is good? --1 Peter 3:11-13

Unexpected Visitor

WE DID IT!!!! Whew!! Can’t believe we pulled it off.

Me and my girlfriend, Ericka, were determined to see each other this weekend. I was just doing the usual weekend check-in when I called her on Saturday morning. She didn’t answer either phones, and I decided not to leave her a message. She works out a lot so I just assumed she’d taken an early Kumba class or something. She’s into everything. So, I started getting myself up and ready for my day cause I had plans for that afternoon. But I really wanted to speak with her because we hadn’t had a decent conversation since our Obama victory.

Minutes later she calls me back exclaiming, “I’m in DC, you forgot!!” I honestly did. She’d told me a few weeks ago that she’d be here for her aunt’s surprise celebration, but I totally forgot. And with all of last week's excitement she probably forgot to remind me. Blame it on the age, not the heart. But I was so looking forward to our rainy morning of good girl talk. I needed to vent. With our other “occupiers” it’s been a little challenging to set aside that time for just us. Without interruption. It’s probably me more occupied than her--lol, but she’s quite busy also. I mean, she’s the Director of a foundation, teaching graduate school courses, AND in her doctoral program. Whew!! Makes me tired thinking about it. So weekends are really all we have.

As planned, Ericka’s Saturday afternoon and evening was pretty busy like mine. And yesterday was church and rest for me. I was worn out—lol. Ericka was still entertaining with her family, but still trying to catch up with me. And after two days of constant phone tag, we finally solidified our plans at midnight last night to meet for breakfast this morning. She was scheduled to catch a train back home from Union Station at 10am-ish, just a few metro stops from my office. That was perfect. So, we planned for me to meet her there at 8:00am.

Nothing has changed. She was late---lol. Just like in our school days, Ericka would always arrive late with me standing there waiting---lol. I remember a few years back, when she was living in MD; we had this brilliant idea to drive into work together to save money. It was good until the days when she was scheduled to drive. Late, late, late. We’d fight every morning. LOLOL. I sure miss those days. I really do.

When Ericka decided to move back to North Carolina to advance her career---Higher Education---it was emotional. I mean, it was so sudden. One day she mentioned the thought, and the next week she was moving. That’s her. She’s never been afraid to make a move. I love that about her. Though sad, I understood her need to explore life. And though a personal adjustment for me, I rejoiced with her. It’s been two, no THREE years since she’s been in NC and I think we’re much closer now than when she was here.

But I miss her. I really need her to be in this area. But I won’t be selfish. I mean, I LUUV my sisters and there’s NOTHING like sisterly love. And I LUUUV [my friend], and um we won’t go there--lol. But there’s nothing like a GOOD GIRLFRIEND. I mean, I have lots of girlfriends, but Ericka is #1. And #1 has only been reserved for three girlfriends in my lifetime. So this is saying a lot. But Ericka has always been one that I can relate to on EVERY level. Spiritually, intellectually, socially, emotionally, mentally, personally, and even politically—lol. And physically too—in the sense that we both are on this health and fitness kick. You know, trying to get the body right---lol. But she understands me, and I understand her. And I trust her with my innermost thoughts and emotions. I really miss her being in this area.

Ok, so Ericka made her grand entrance this morning. Again, as I stood there waiting---lol. But it was a happy, well-anticipated wait. I didn't mind at all. Just needed to email the boss that I'd be in the office a little later. Not a big deal. But she walked into Union Station looking like she was strutting down 5th Avenue. With her five-inch heels and Jackie Kennedy jacket. She looked stunning---as always. I was soooo glad to see her. After hugging and exchanging compliments, we checked her in and headed to Johnny Rockets for breakfast.

The conversation over veggie omelet’s, wheat toast, and orange juice was great. I caught her up to speed with the last few days of my “intimate” life. You know we had to do the analysis and stuff. You know how we girls do---lol. Then she had to give me the girlfriend scoop---hitting me with some blows and I-told-you’s. And then we HAD to talk about our four-year Obama journey. Like me, she’s overjoyed. And optimistic about his term in office. We both concurred that our mission and work has to continue, and pray that his presidency will be an opportunity for us as a society to create alliances in making this nation a better place. These last eight years were a blow to us working folk. Talk about a reality check. But we're hanging in there. Unbreakable.

Overall, it was great being in each other’s company even if it was just for an hour or so. I love being around Ericka and I really needed to see her. God knows what He is doing. For the last few weeks I had been riding the emotional roller coaster with other girlfriends and their issues. Trying to give as much as I can, but sometimes feeling guilty for being occupied with [my friend]. You know woman can try to make you feel guilty for being happy. I mean, if it was MY choice I’d have ONE good girlfriend. It was not in my life’s plan to have a lot of girlfriends, and NEVER to have high-maintenance and looney tooney ones--lol. But I’m realizing that my plan now is God’s plan when it comes to people entering and exiting my life. And so I submit to that. And sometimes what is hoped and desired….doesn‘t always end up that way. Sometimes you get those girlfriends who are just touched. They need extra prayer. Unfortunately, any way satan can creep in he does cause their guards are down. But I’m just being obedient to God’s will for I know He’s handling things.

But I needed my girlfriend this morning. See, the Lord reminded me that I do have girlfriends who are submitting to His will, doing positive things, and making positive choices. Not making excuses, holding on to the past, all while leading lackluster lives. Or riding off of other’s success. I mean, Ericka, though we’ve had our share of disagreements, is NO DRAMA. Never nit-picky or speculative. Never over-analyzing and condemning, or finding fault because of self-misery, failure, and bad choices. Always optimistic. We both just enjoy life and are making the best out of the hand we’re dealt with. So kudos to the positive sistahs who are handling their business!!! And I mean that wholeheartedly. Oh, we did talk briefly about Ericka’s ONLY sister who died suddenly last year. Talk about a blow! She’s really still mourning. But even in that, Ericka is very positive and focused. She actually fuels me to keep focused. She’s definitely a positive influence in my life. Best folk to keep on speed dial, as my sis says.

So as we were just finishing our breakfast---I was actually about to take the last bite of my omelet---we had an unexpected visitor. As if it was invited, a HUGE cockroach crawled up the wall on Ericka’s side freaking us both out. I saw it first and SCREAMED. Ericka jumped out of her seat almost over the counter and into the kitchen---lol. That's the extent of her "drama". LOLOL. We made a scene causing customers to look at us strangely. But the manager came over and apologized profusely. He had told us that the bill was on the house, but it wasn’t that big of a deal to get out of paying. We had already eaten the food. I insisted we pay---I mean I don’t think the manager planned for the roach to crawl up the wall and creep the heck out of us. And since it is a mall of eateries it could’ve come from anywhere. Why should his sales be down for something that is more than likely not his fault. Without thinking twice I paid the bill, left a nice tip, and thanked him for his generosity.

As Ericka walked me to the metro we laughed and laughed like old times. She calling me a drama queen and vice-versa. Then we hugged and said our good-byes. And I felt good. Revived. Poured back into. I actually left her thinking of how I can surprise her for her 38th birthday next month. Umph. What a good way to start a Monday.

My Momma and My Man

Ooooh, my girl is in town for family festivities, and if our timing falls right we’ll be able to squeeze in at least an hour or two. I had prior plans and didn’t realize this was the weekend she’d be here. I really miss her. My college partner that turned out to be one of my closest girlfriends. My sister-in-Christ. She so gets it. We fight, but our love for one another is strong. And like me, she too is an Obama supporter. She‘s heavily involved in her NC community. Soon to be……..DOCTOR---so proud of her.

My girlfriend works hard to make a difference in her small southern town. So you know when news broke that Obama got NC--way after his declaration--I shouted, YES!!!! I knew my girl had influence. She so lives the walk she talks. In fact, I call her “first lady”. I’ve been calling her this way before this election began. Years ago. I always joke that she should be a politician’s wife. Or a pastor’s wife. A first lady. She just has presence. And ironically, she resembles Michelle. I mean she really resembles her. And I tell her constantly, an ordinary man just won’t do for you. That’s what we usually fight about---lol. Who you think wins. LOLOL.

Anyway, I woke up this morning with a thought on my mind. I was thinking…..should I express or should I just keep it to myself and share with my loved ones. I started to be selfish. But why. I have the right to express myself freely. Especially on my own blog. Ain’t hurting nobody, just want to put some things in perspective. So here goes.

I was thinking....suppose I had to choose between my momma and my man. Now let me clarify. I’m talking about MY MAN. Not some sex partner or someone who comes by every now and again to feed the ego. Not a sperm donor. Not a low-life loser. I’m talking about the man in which I KNOW God has placed in my life. A good, devoted man. The man that extends pass the physical. There’s a connection. A bond that surpasses the obvious. That man. Every male is not THAT MAN. You get the point. So I have to choose. But its not that there is a real beef between my momma and my man, but that they are both vying for my attention. Not out of selfishness, but out of love. They both want the best for me, but ain’t willing to share. Cause it ain’t possible.

So I’m going down the checklist.

My momma. My momma has been there since day one. The day that life began for me and the day in which I became a woman. So many transitions in my life. She helped me to see that women can do ANYTHING. She’s juggled being a wife, and a mother, and a grandmother all while being a devoted daughter, sister, aunt, niece, cousin, and friend. And when we thought she couldn’t extend herself any further…..she went and opened her own specialty boutique becoming one of the best-kept-secret hat designers in this country.

I know my mother loves me. In fact, she doesn’t have to tell me. She expresses it in her actions. I remember when I wanted to be an adult and moved out. To my first apartment. I think I was twenty. A year into “grown-up” there was a robbery in my building. I couldn’t sleep. I was paranoid and very uneasy. I called my momma and said…. “Ma, I’m coming home.” In a day, all of my stuff was packed and moved, and I went back to my little room that I'd left a year earlier. I had to share the bathroom with my other siblings. Probably one of the reasons I moved out in the first place. It was very hard to adjust, but I was home. And I felt safe. My momma gave me that safety.

Being one of the eldest of the bunch, I am the only one who is single AND childless. And because of this, my momma gives me a little extra love---lol. I think she really feels sorry for me---lololol. There’s always an extra gift under the tree, and when Mother’s Day rolls around, even though it is her day, she reminds me that I’ll one day be a mother too. Sometimes she even tries to downplay motherhood. Just so that I can get through. She feels my pain. Cause she knows her child.

My mother was dealt a bum hand. She had children very young and kept having them until she was nearly forty years old. We all demand her attention. But yet she isn’t partial. Even though we, her children, may think she shows favoritism in different situations, she just has her way of specializing in each of us. Like when she made it clear….. “while the debates are on I don’t take ANY phone calls EXCEPT if its Jill.” There’s just some things that me and my mom share and bond with that the others don't. And vice versa. Can’t explain it. We just do. Always have. Like when she took me to Sag Harbor (Long Island, NY) when I was probably 3 years old. Just me. I tried to figure for years why she only took me. I stop trying. We stayed at a wealthy friend’s home on the beach. Absolutely beautiful. To this day, me and my mom have shared a passion for beautiful homes. We can spend an entire weekend looking at model homes. She loves that I’m a realtor.

But the biggest thing……we both have a passion to serve God. She pours into me and I into her. If something weird happens in church or on the church scene, my momma calls me. We can discuss whatever and give each other clarity on just about any situation. And she's the only person that knows the full details of me and [my friend]. She extends past my mother, she is my friend. No one can take her place and if I lost her today half of my heart would probably collapse. The other half would need to keep beating cause she knows I'm the strongest one out of the clan. She depends on me. But even though she depends on my opinion a lot, she understands her motherly role. And plays it well. She has my back whether I’m right or wrong. And when I need someone to agree with me in prayer, she’s just a "cell" phone call away.

Then there’s my man. Umph. I don’t even think I can really put it in words our relationship and feelings for one another. I’ll probably have to generalize this. To protect our privacy. We have a covenant. And our relationship is too personal to share with the public.

But I think to start I’d have to say this…….it’s just something about loving a BLACK man. Just thinking about all the things our men endure, not just [my friend], but Black men as a whole. I often joke that’s its haaard to love a Black man. But it is really a statement of endearment. See, it takes a strong, self-less woman who truly loves God to truly love a Black man. We see past the obvious. With all of their flaws, bumps and bruises, frustrations and anger---we understand. Though we may not always agree, we understand. And we provide that support and safety.

When the outside influences bruise their egos and tries to destroy their manhood---we understand. We don’t judge, we hug. I wish I had time to expound on the feelings when a man lies on your breast after a hard day’s work. Your heartbeat to his. Umph. See, we don’t condemn, we build. We don’t separate, we unify. We provide that support. And our support extends way in front of who we see. Cause a lot of us know what true love is. We know how to love a man waaay before his love is released to us. It's more than a FEELING. It's more than the two of us living happily ever after. It's real, unconditional love. I’m talking about the 1 Corinthians 13 love.

Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails.

And then there’s the other side of MY MAN. The responsible man. The provider. The man that is not intimidated by society or the world’s obstacles. The man that takes care of his responsibilities because he wants to be an example. An example for his children, his nieces and nephews, and whoever else is watching. Cause he needs to be. Cause he’s proud to be. Cause he knows that that’s what he’s called to do. Yes, he gets hurt but he keeps going. Turns the other cheek. Cause he knows he has a supporter at home who he can release with. Be real with. To pray with or just to soak in a bubble bath with. Or both.

He’s the man that can juggle his profession, his children, and his woman and yet still make time to worship God (and catch a game or two--lol). The man who looks at me and say….. “you are so beautiful” when I feel my fattest. The man that help’s plan the budget, gives the side look when I go over it, but surprises me with that expensive purse that I couldn’t afford. And when he calls, my face lights up. Its him. He should be doing…….whatever, but he’s thinking of me. He wants to hear my voice. He misses me. And I miss him. He’s just calling to say that he was led to pray over me. Umph. Somebody pissed me off. It’s ok, cause daddy got my back. Even though he’s pre-occupied with the game, he’s listening. Cause he knows I need him. And he needs me to need him. That’s a part of his manhood. And that’s a part of me being his help mate. We both speak the same spiritual language.

Said he had a hard day. Me too. We can relate to one another. Trying to prove ourselves on the job. Forget the graduate degrees, there are “others” more qualified. It’s ok. Been through it before. Ain’t sweating it. Cause we both got work to do. We're called to a purpose. Seperate, but together. We're a team. So we're happy. I'm happy. Cause I see my baby tonight. We got a date. Nothing big, just the movies. We fall asleep there. Hard to even get out of the parking lot. We’re both so tired.

We need more living space. Maybe in the future when the finances are better, or when the economy gets right. For now, we’re content squeezing our coats together in the small closet. And sharing the one bathroom. Ain't complaining cause we got time. My baby got a plan. FOR US. We both collapse on the bed. Tired. So tired. He takes off my boots. Minutes later I jump up and see him shivering, but trying to keep me warm. He’s cold. But I clearly come before his needs. I pull the comforter over the both of us, lay on his chest, and sleep like a baby. Cause I feel protected.

So who do I choose. My momma or my man? Cause you know men "change". I mean, they talk a good game to get us, but give it a year or two and things ain't always as good as we'd hoped. But my momma never change. She knows me. And I know her. Afterall, she's been in my life the longest. We've had more experiences together. Umph.

But it’s funny. My momma knows my needs. She knows the struggles her daughter has been going through being single. Shucks, she even prayed for this. So she stops competing. Humbly. Cause she’s not selfish. It hurts to see her baby move on, but she's knows that I am a big girl. And can make big girl decisions now. So she looks beyond herself. In fact, she supports us. She wants the best…..for the BOTH of us. She really likes him. She's proud and takes the credit for teaching me well. They’ve even formed a bond. That means the world to me. See, I like unity. And so does the both of them. My momma realizes that she has done her duty. She has laid the foundation and have made her mark in my life. She’s brought me a looong way. Her and DADDY. And so she realizes that what I have longed for, prayed for, and have exercised my faith for is what‘s best for me--right now. So now her and DADDY support us.

Momma knows that both she and my man can provide me security. And that they both have my best interest at heart. But her leading role in my life is over. It's time for a new "head-of-household". It’s now MY decision. Cause it’s MY time. OUR time. But she’s not far. And she's definely not envious. She knows what's best. And God forbid it doesn’t work, momma is there. She's always there. And she’ll be around for a long time. And whoever doesn't agree with MY, I mean, OUR decision---it really doesn't matter. Cause momma approves. And more importantly so does God.

So for now, I have to make the best decision for me--my heart and my mind. I have to press towards the future, get out of my safety zone, out of momma's pouch, and walk by faith. Be an adult and trust God. And for that……….I choose MY MAN. A BLACK MAN.

Week's End

I am still at work. For some odd reason I do my best work and get the most done on Fridays. It’s peaceful. Lots of folk are out. And I’m not interrupted. Not a lot of phone calls today. Just the one sister and [my friend]. Not complaining at all. That’s enough. I’m on a roll. I was so busy today that when I looked up it was after 5pm. Now its half pass 6pm and I feel like starting another task. Everyday I think I’m picking up more and more of [my friend’s] ways. Umph. I want to leave work with the assurance that I’ve completed enough. I so hate to start the next week with lots on my plate. Umph. Maybe just one more quick task. Just another hour. Wonder how this will be juggled once married---lol.

What a way to end an awesome week. In peace. I so look forward to my weekend (smile).

Thou wilt keep him in perfect peace, whose mind is stayed on thee: because he trusteth in thee. --Isaiah 26:3

Replenished

I got myself together today. Yesterday I was drained. I mean, I think I’ve tapped into every one of my emotions celebrating our great victory. So much so that I felt empty. Like I had no physical strength. I think I woke up around 9am-ish yesterday morning. I had such a headache. So I decided it was best that I stay close to my bed. And the phones. And the television. I’m glad I made that decision.

Last night all I wanted to do was replenish my soul. I just wanted the Word. I was so thirsty for God. So I picked up a book that I bought a couple days ago on the Holy Spirit and just started replenishing. Awww..... It feels so good to replenish. At about 10pm-ish I put my earphones on, tuned into my favorite Gospel playlist, and drifted off to sleep. I so needed this intimacy. When I pour out I need to be poured back into. And to be completely satisfied I need God and God alone. A good book can replenish the mind, a good man can replenish the body (lol), but only God can replenish the mind, the body, and the soul. I slept like a baby.

Today is a new day. And so I chose to wake up in a good mood. With vigor. A new lease on life. A fresh perspective. And as everyone else is probably experiencing, I walked into my office with cheers and a sense of pride. There’s an aura in the air. Very positive energy. Everyone is optimistic. As soon as I reached my desk folk started approaching me. My colleagues know very well where I stand and have respected my enthusiasm from the beginning. For some odd reason, my opinion matters to a lot of folk. And I realize that what I say and do can, and does, have an impact on people so I try to keep it real without belittling---last entry I felt the need to express and make no apologies. But no one is perfect and everyone has a right to their opinions. And I respect that. And I expect that people respect me. But when asked how I felt today this is how I responded:

1. It is confirmed that faith works, miracles do happen, and hope is alive.

2. There is power in unity. United we stand and divided we fall.

3. The racism card has expired. Not that there aren’t racist folk out there, or that I will not experience racism again, but I refuse to use racism as an excuse. The race card has been a crutch for many of us; I’m guilty of using as needed also. But I feel that it is expired and no longer valid for me.

4. I’m borrowing this one from Whoopi Goldberg, but I too feel that I can now put down my luggage. The luggage of stuff that I’ve carried around for life cause I didn’t really feel a complete sense of belonging. And granted though I know that this place is not meant to be permanent for I believe in an eternal destination, I now feel like I have a voice here on earth. Like I have purchased a piece of property instead of constantly paying rent.

These are just some of the feelings and thoughts that are running rampant in me, and that I shared with my colleagues. But my personal feeling, the feeling that keeps me quiet is the NOW WHAT feeling. It’s the same feeling that I had on both my undergrad and graduate school graduations. I’ve talked about this before. It’s that ultimate feeling of accomplishment. Like you’ve put all of yourself into……whatever……and now your hard work has paid off. But I still have drive and am still in active mode. Like I can’t stop or sit down. I think I am one of many who have built a comfortable life in the action of hoping and dreaming. My life operates by working toward the future. And although I believe and have faith that what I want will come true…..was I really ready for this big one? To be honest, I think I get too comfortable in the dream. And now that one of those dreams has come true. Now what?

So today I decide to step out of the dream and into reality. For me, the now what is that ministry officially begins. Just like we all expect of our new commander-in-chief, we too have work to do. It’s not a one-man show. It’s not just one person who does all the work while the world watches in admiration. Each of us is called for a purpose on this earth. Our new commander-in-chief was just the one willing to take on the task of knocking down one of the bigger barriers. And I’m glad he did. And I’m taking advantage of every part of it.

(Deep breath). But overall, it’s a good feeling. A really good feeling. It feels good to know that what we as a people worked hard for and hoped and believed have come to fruition. And I refuse to block this blessing.

And whatsoever we ask, we receive of him, because we keep his commandments, and do those things that are pleasing in his sight. And this is his commandment that we should believe on the name of his Son Jesus Christ, and love one another, as he gave us commandment. –1 John 3:22-23

Yes We Can!!

Talk about emotions. I’ve spent the last hours laughing, crying, rejoicing, praying, thanking…….and any other joyous emotion that comes along with this historical moment of GREAT CHANGE. Talk about yes we can. With God ALL and ANY thing is possible. If this moment hasn’t done anything but increase faith then that’s enough. I knew in yesterday’s entry, Right Now Praise, that there was going to be victory and that God was going to get the glory. And so hearing the song on Monday evening just reminded me not to wait for the declaration last night, but to begin praising God in advance. Right then. I believed in my heart that there was going to be a positive outcome. And it came to pass.

I’m telling you…..I have the best family. Between my mother, aunts, sisters, cousins, friends, and even a few colleagues I laughed myself to a happy headache before drifting off to sleep. My mother complained that she had to now find a new hobby. Gotta admit, I will miss our CNN central check ins. And then there is my crazy aunt in TX who almost made the mistake of calling my other “conservative” aunt in NY and shouting….“We did it!” I laughed so hard especially after hearing that my aunt in NY made her rounds yesterday to say…… “you know Palin is the wisest choice.” Apparently my aunt in TX didn't get the call. I didn’t get the call either. Or an email. Cause she knew I wasn’t buying wooden nickels. I should have called her anyway to say……..YES WE CAN!!!! I mean, YES WE DID!!! I know, I know….I'm bad. And I know that everybody is entitled to their own choices and opinions. I’m just saying…..don’t impose your opinions by making other folk’s opinions seem shallow. As if you’re the smart one in this election. NOT. Anyway……

When it was declared that we had Virginia all my phones lit up. Calls were flying all over. At one point all circuits went dead, but then I got a text from my youngest sister who’s in NC at college saying that she couldn’t stop crying. It was actually her first time voting. All I could say to her was not to stop. Another sister said that she couldn’t bear any bad news and to only call her if we had won Florida. She refused to turn on CNN and opted to catch up on the Real Housewives of Atlanta. When I called her with the news of Virginia she was speechless. She and I have been on the bandwagon from day one.

Then there was my oldest sister who lives in Northern Virginia. She swears that her vote at 6:44p declared Obama the President. And I’d have to say that I am so proud of her. She flew in from a business trip late Monday night from Dallas, had to be in the office early yesterday morning and that’s after making sure that my niece got to “fun day”. But she was determined to vote in which she proudly declares, “I haven’t voted since Clinton‘s first term”. So she stands firm that her vote made the decision. We laughed so hard as she tried her best to convince us. And if she believes that then I support her.

I could go on and on. There were so many joyous conversations as I took in every moment of Obama’s first presidential speech, to McCain’s final speech, to Oprah crying, to Jesse Jackson looking regretful, to the first family making their first public appearance, to Mama Biden looking like my Aunt Hildred. I savored every moment. And am still on cloud nine.

But with all the excitement and victory, satan still tries to creep his little self in and steal the joy. He just cannot grasp unity, great change, and God’s plan. He is a divider and a slimy spirit that dwells in any unhappy, miserable soul. I pray for those gullible ones who allows him to keep ruling their lives. Satan has made a permanent home in their darkness. And those are the ones who resisted and fought against this moment, and tried to use every excuse to cause division. You know its bad when after all these months race has never been an issue and never came up in McCain‘s campaign, but then satan tries to make it one. I guess it shows how desperate and conniving he really is. Powerless. I like what Obama said tonight…… “those who tear down will be defeated.”

Then there are those who waited until yesterday to all of a sudden make the “wisest and most intellectual” choice by selecting Obama. I guess they got a weird enlightening experience….from cyberspace. I think CNN called them…..the undecided voters. But I call them the clueless and confused. The ones who rejected knowledge and wise counsel from the beginning. The unbelievers. Doubters. Haters. When I think of these folk I think of how the Lord speaks about coming back for His people. Time after time the message will be preached, but there will be those who will reject His commands and will harden their hearts toward Him. And then at the end they want to all of a sudden be included. Umph.

Many will say to Me in that day, ‘Lord, Lord, have we not prophesied in Your name, cast out demons in Your name, and done many wonders in Your name?’ And then I will declare to them, ‘I never knew you; depart from Me, you who practice lawlessness!’ “Therefore whoever hears these sayings of Mine, and does them, I will liken him to a wise man who built his house on the rock. --Matthew 7:22-24

Right Now Praise

This morning I voted for the sixth time in my life. That’s not including all the primaries. Just the presidential elections. I so wanted to embrace every little moment of today’s voting experience, but this time was a little different. A new county. Unfamiliar faces. And although I was greeted with a spread of fresh baked goods at my polling location, the sparks weren’t in the air like I'm used to. BUT you could still sense the majority vote. I kinda miss my old neck of the woods. The woods that I so desperately wanted a change from. Well, I got what I asked for, huh. But that ain’t deterring me. I’m definitely one who can motivate myself. I don’t need a rah rah crowd to cheer with me. I’m a party all by myself. Always have been.

Ok, so I was having a conversation with my sister over the weekend and we were both amazed at how far we’ve come in this election. I’d have to say that I am a little proud of myself. See, this election is the FIRST public event that I have supported since day one. No, not two years ago…….FOUR YEARS AGO. I helped to push the train before the conductor agreed to drive it. Yes, yes I was one of those. I saw potential from the debut and have been committed ever since. And I can’t say that I’ve watched every episode of American Idol when Fantasia won or every game when the Redskins went to the Superbowl even though I did jump on the finale and celebrated with the fans as if I was devoted and committed. But this thing…..yeah I’ve ridden the highs and the lows, the bumps and the curves. And now we’ve come to the conclusion.

Wow, just thinking about it……..I’ve watched EVERY speech, EVERY debate, EVERY interview, and EVERY television-internet-youtube special. I’ve read and FORWARDED (so unlike me) many support and tear-jerking emails, skits, and parodies. I’ve even managed to read two biographies while on travel to the west coast. My vocabulary has increased immensely. I’ve learned how to pronounce the word Pakistan in a more fluent way. And now when I hear the word fundamental, fundamentally, or just plan old fund……..I’ll think back to the many campaign ads that I’ve carefully analyzed. I’m a public relations major----give me some slack (lolol).

Me and my mother have bonded on a new level. CNN has become my channel of choice. And Jack Cafferty………I’ve stayed on the treadmill an extra half hour just waiting to hear what’s in his files. Let’s see, I have looked at friends (and some far off family) differently. And I’ve also come to respect others in a whole new way. I’ve learned from the Mrs. that the hair comes after health, and that you support your man (your good man) through ups AND downs. And I’ve also learned that regardless of what people say to you and about you, if it doesn’t fit in the grand scheme of things……..brush it off.

So it’s a good feeling today cause I’ve had the ride of my life. A good ride that I’m proud to say that I, not once, thought to jump off or hop over to the next track. I have fought a good fight, I have finished my course, I have kept the faith…. –1 Timothy 4:7

Last night as I was coming home John P. Kee’s song, Right Now Praise came on the radio. For some reason I had the urge to blast it and joyfully sing the lyrics as if I was on stage with the choir:

It’s in order that I praise you until He comes
I was made to worship thee
Your word says I can have that what I believe
By faith be it unto me
Faith is the substance, I believe
Someway, somewhere, somehow
It is mine----Right now
I’ve got a right now praise
Right now I believe it
Right now

Monday

It's Monday. A gloomy Monday. Moody Monday. Monday blues. Or whatever you want to call it. For starters, it should be 3:49p, but its only 2:49p. I got a headache thinking about working the extra hour. You think I’d be okay since I had an extra hour to sleep, but I had to wake up an hour earlier this morning to take my niece to my mother’s since my sister is on travel. So I’m feeling it now.

Then I was watching the news coverage on the Hudson family tragedy. Seeing the clip of the three hearses leading the fleet of family limos made me sad. I sure had my share of riding in those. It hurts to think about it. My eyes welled up over the weekend after hearing little Julian’s great-grandfather express his gratefulness to Jennifer for deciding to have a private funeral. He said that he was relieved that he could cry in peace without strangers watching him. How sad.

Then I heard the sad news about Shakir Stewart, Def Jam Executive, committing suicide over the weekend. I’m like dag what really went wrong. His loved ones said that Shakir just wasn’t himself the last few weeks. The sad thing is that falling in the slump and dump is quite normal these days. Some people fall, get stuck down there, and can’t get themselves out. I was listening to Joel Osteen yesterday speaking on “Bouncing Back”. But only with God this is possible. I’m learning this day-by-day.

Then I met one of my girlfriends for lunch today. I needed some good Godly counsel and she gave it to me along with “orders”. I value her opinion so much and know that she is going to always give it to me straight, not sugar-coating anything. And since I trust her immensely with expressing my feelings…….I know she wouldn’t tell me anything contrary to the Word of God. So I shall proceed. Actually, her orders are just confirmation to what I already know I need to do. I just wanted to hear her thoughts---even though I didn’t want to hear it (lol). But I have to be obedient.

Then there’s the election tomorrow. I’m hopeful, but who knows what will happen. Cheating seems to be an “if-needed” backup plan for the "powerful". We’ll see. So today I’m a little bummed. But every time I think about my not-so-good days I’m reminded that regardless of my feelings, the Lord is still worthy to be praised. God is STILL God and His Word is STILL true. And He’s STILL GOD whether I feel like praising Him or not. How selfish of me. Just thinking about it switches my focus. God is so good. Why would I think otherwise. unintentionally or not. Ironically, We Fall Down by Donnie McClurkin is playing on Pandora. Umph. I feel so much better. Maybe I’ll go to the gym. I said maybe.

But may all who seek you rejoice and be glad in you; may those who love your salvation always say, “The LORD be exalted!” --Psalm 40:16