In Search of.........

It is one of those Mondays----VERY BLUESY. I was a half an excuse away from calling in. I’m in one of those moods. I need to be replenished, didn’t get it over the weekend, and so I feel like crawling up under a rock. I’m telling you……..had it been a cloudy and/or foggy morning I would be at home right now. In my bed. But since I hate being home on a beautiful day…………I’m here.

So you know since I dragged myself in here I feel a mess. I threw on the first thing I saw and had determined before I got out the bed that my hair was gonna be pulled back in a headband. Did I mention that I didn’t want to come to work today? Ok, just checking--lol. I guess you can tell that I ain’t retaining too much either. That’s where I’m at these days. Like I have stopped on the side of my journey and have taken a seat beside a nice big rock. Just chilling. Purposeless. One part of me says that I don’t know how much further I gotta go before I see the broadway lights, and the other part says……don’t think about it just keep walking. I’m leaning more to the “just keep walking” advice, but sometimes it feels like I just need to rest. Like I just need time to stand still for a couple hours (or days) so that I can get my barrens together. To just be.

The last few weeks have been a little weird. I feel a little disconnected from God. I mean, I still do the daily of praying and worshipping, but the zest and zeal feels like its fading. If I am allowed to equate, I’d think it’s the same feeling married couples get after the honeymoon is over. I hear couples talk about it all the time. And no offense, but I don’t want that. Not in my marriage or with my relationship with the Lord. I want it to be the honeymoon ALWAYS. I don't know. Maybe it just can’t be pleasure always. Umph. Maybe because we're human.

Anyway, as much as I may feel a little distance, I know the Lord ain’t gone nowhere. First, because His Word says that He would never leave me nor forsake me. And so if He left me, His Word would be a lie. And I KNOW that His Word cannot lie. It is absolutely impossible for God to lie. And then second, just like clockwork the Lord reminded me that He was with me by giving me a revelations this morning. So He ain’t gone nowhere. Maybe its me who’s done the distancing. Definintely not my intentions since I HATE being out of the presence of the Lord.

Ok, so I was getting ready for work this morning. Had just gotten out the shower, threw on my clothes, and then had taken off my scarf to unwrap my hair to pull back in a headband. Just when I pulled the scarf off, I do as I normally do when I’m in one of those “pull your hair back” moods…..I pulled my top hair supplies draw out to get the headband. NO headband. For a second I stood still thinking that it’s probably in another drawer. I stood still cause anybody who knows me know that I am PRECISE. I know where EVERYTHING is. Everything in my house has a place. And even when my house is in its “pre-cleaning” state, all my stuff is where it supposed to be. At least that’s what I thought.

So I went through all the drawers in the bathroom, but still no headband. Then I looked under the sink where all my hair products are, but still no headband. By this time I was getting a little teed and was ready to pick up the phone to leave a message for my boss. I definitely wasn't in the mood to deal with this. But then I thought………MY GYM BAG!!! So I ran in the room and dumped everything out of the bag cause it had to be for sure in there. For a brief moment I tried to make myself believe that last week I wore the headband, but took it off when I went to the gym. But to my dismay, no headband.

I was so baffled. I couldn’t for the life of me remember when I’d last worn the headband. And at this point, I was looking waaay before today and started reminiscing on how long I’ve had that headband. My favorite one. I actually bought it about five years ago after my niece was playing with my other favorite one and broke it. I have many other hair accessories, including an assortment of headbands, but this one is my absolute favorite. Can’t explain it……it just is.

Realizing that I was spending way too much time on my search, I decided to chalk it up and wear another headband. I tried on a few and settled on one that matched my outfit, but didn’t give me the support as…….my favorite headband. I mean, not to keep bringing it up……but my favorite headband fits my head like a glove. I have a lot of hair, so it gives my hair the support it needs so that it won’t blow in my face or tangle up. It handles my hair perfectly.

When I was just about dressed, had decided on the other headband, and was putting on my shoes….I was on my way into the kitchen to make my protein shake when I got that unsettling feeling. I wanted my darn headband and had decided that I wasn’t leaving the house until I found it. I have to be honest, the headband I had on looked nicer, but deep down it just wasn’t what I wanted. Or needed.

So I went back in the bathroom and began pulling all the drawers out again. I was pulling out all kind of junk that I had no idea I bought but never used. But it was getting late, and I still hadn’t made my shake, nor had put my gym clothes back in the bag that I ransacked. But I was determined to find my headband. Cause I knew that it had to be in that darn bathroom. You know how you KNOW something. That’s what kept going through my head. And so I was determined to find it.

After I had pulled all the drawers out and apart, I pulled the wicker chest from the wall. And whataya know……….I found the headband. It obviously had fallen behind the chest the last time I’d taken it off. Who knows and who cares…….I found it and immediately yanked off the other one and put on my favorite one. And then I felt soooo much better. I didn’t even have time to make my shake, but for some reason I was satisfied. Content. Pleased.

When I was walking out the door, praying over my doorway as I usually do, the Lord reminded me that if I search I will find. That there is no good thing He will withhold from me if I walk upright before Him. That little black, plastic headband reminded me of the thirst I have for the Lord……not being able to replace His presence with NOTHING. And that sometimes I try to put other things in His place that seems good, but it’s just a counterfeit. I was reminded that there’s nothing like the real thing that knows me, and knows what I need no matter how much of a shambles my issues are. The Lord knows how to handle it.

As soon as I got on the train I was out. It was as if I was in my bed. I was that tired. I kept feeling my head bobble, but I didn’t care cause I was glad that I’d made the effort to even make it in to the office. When I got to my stop, my head yanked up cause I realized it was time to make it through the crowd. I was feeling a mess so I knew I had to look just as bad as I felt. But as I was making it off the train, I was able to take a quick glance at my reflection in the window. Oddly, though my eyes looked a little dreary, my hair was still neatly in place thanks to my headband. Seeing my reflection was as if a voice had whispered to me and said……..I got you, Jill. I got you.

Those who know your name will trust in you, for you, LORD, have never forsaken those who seek you. --Psalm 9:10