Parked in Neutral

Wow. Wasn’t gonna speak about this topic because it is a very touchy one and one that is very personal. But over the last week I have been a part of several situations in which this topic has presented itself. It’s the topic of TRIANGULATION. You know…….when three people are involved in a situation and two of the people are at odds, and the third is left to flow whichever way the wind blows. Ok, let me clarify. The situations in which I’ve experienced this week is not at all about cattyness, just issues in which grown woman---or should I say godly woman---decisions had to be made and/or given.

Throughout my life I’ve been on all sides of triangulation. One of the most hurting sides of triangulation, in which just up until the last five years or so have tried to take me out, is the low end side. YESSSS, satan’s scheme was so strong that it tried to destroy me cause I wasn’t equipped enough to destroy him. Since I was a teen I was subjected to a family member who showed blatant favoritism over me to other cousins in the family. For years I tried to figure it out, often times reacting out of anger causing deeper tension in the family. And for years I blamed my cousins who actually had nothing to do with the situation. They were actually the neutral party.

Growing up I didn’t understand that. I just knew that whatever I did or said just would not measure up. And whatever they did was accepted with open arms. I was held accountable for "being me". Not realizing years later, after fully accepting who I am, being me became very instrumental in my life's accomplishments. But yes, it was very hurtful stuff. And yes…….unfortunately this demonic force even went well into my thirties. But it wasn’t until I figured out the power of God’s love and how His love teaches how to forgive that satan’s little plans had to cease. I remember the day that I released that family member and truly forgave in my heart. I haven’t had any problems since. Ok let me clarify…..satan’s little weapons no longer prospers against me. LOL-let me just make that clear.

But I’ve also been on the other side of triangulation. The side in which I was the favored. The high end of triangulation. Back in the nineties I was doing public relations for the entertainment industry and was making a name for myself producing good work. And so I was approached by the manager of a then up-and-coming R&B boy band to do some image development, branding, and publicity for the guys. The job seemed doable so I gladly hopped on board. Immediately, the guys took a liken to me. They were in their early twenties and I was a couple years older and so I not only acted as their publicist, but also their big sister. Me and the guys would go EVERYWHERE together. Just me and a bunch of guys. Many times we’d spend the night in the studio recording songs and they’d want my feedback and advice. I’ve always had a keen ear to music and so my advice, even to some of the areas top producers, was always taken seriously. On top of that, since I had my own little connections, I’d hook them up with private auditions going well outside of my PR duties.

Then one day the guys called me on 3-way and said that they came to a decision that I would be more suited to be their manager than……their manager. I clearly understood where they were coming from because working with them for over a year I witnessed some shabby business practices in which their manager had sole discretion over. The guys expressed their frustration and asked if I would take on the responsibility. Me having a very good rapport and relationship with their manager, I had no idea what to say and how to go about the transition. I too was still young. But I never forget that during that time was when Yolanda Adam’s song, Open My Heart, was out and so after I hung up with them I played that song over and over until I decided that yes I would do it.

When their manager received the news it was ugly. I didn’t know what to say, how to react, or how to proceed. But it was clear from the guys that if they didn’t make this move with me then they’d be moving on to another manager. I certainly didn’t want that. Cause we had all formed such a bond. And so it was very ugly. Here this guy developed these boys from young teens and now that they grew into their manhood they felt the need to flex their power. That’s how the entertainment business operates. And so that’s how we proceeded. Of course the friendship/business relationship I had with their former manager ceased. And of course I, being on the other side, felt really awkward. Cause he and I, though we didn’t always see eye-to-eye, we worked very well together. There was definitely a balance. But not even two years later, just before the guys were booked to perform in the Virgin Islands at the Jazz Fest, I received an opportunity to do PR for several Gospel artist and so I decided to give up artist management and follow my passion.

As I said, I’ve been on all sides of triangulation. Its been a really long time since I’ve been on the “choose me or them” side cause even now when situations like that occur I be the first to pull out. Cause really, it ain’t that serious. In the grand scheme of MY LIFE, I have the choice not no one else. But over the last few years the side that has become the most difficult is the neutral party side. Being the neutral party will ALWAYS question your loyalty and character.

Ok, I may get darts thrown at me for this one, but I feel the strong need to share in order to get my point across. Ok, so a few years back, I found out that one of my best girlfriends was seeing the same man as one of my “probationary” girlfriends. It was funny how it happened, but I put two and two together and realized that both girlfriends had been bragging to me about the same dude. When I found out I was actually having a phone conversation with my “probationary” girlfriend. I say probationary because she and I had been college buddies in undergrad and was trying to develop a friendship outside of the only thing we had in common. And so if you know me you know that friendship is a building process for me.

Anyway, so I was on the phone with my probationary girlfriend and she made mention of a situation in which my best girlfriend had mentioned to me prior. And so I started inquiring and sure enough it was the same dude. My probationary girlfriend was quite upset and so she immediately put “her boyfriend” on the 3-way and of course he denied any other relationship outside of her. He did, however, acknowledge that he knew my best girlfriend and assured her that there was absolutely no feelings involved (yeah, yeah).

I couldn’t hang up fast enough before I called my best girlfriend. And what I expected was clearly not what happened. As I was telling my girlfriend about the situation I heard a cold tone. To make a long story real short……..I was blamed for being a disloyal friend. Because my best girlfriend felt that since she and I had known each other for close to twenty-five years I should have………ok, it wasn’t clear what she felt I should have done. But bottomline, she questioned my loyalty. She felt that I should have cut off my friendship with the other. But then I thought about it. Both of these girls had been very instrumental in my life; nothing short of a blessing. I’ve laughed, cried, struggled, and triumphed with BOTH. And so I made the decision to stand firm in maintaining both as my friends. My probationary girlfriend understood wholeheartedly. In fact, she was very turned off by dude after that and so their relationship suffered. But my best girlfriend, for whatever reason, blamed me for dude’s game and so she decided to break our friendship. I was totally shocked……..but I knew I wasn’t the wrong one and so I shut the door behind her exit.

This week a few situations have come up where being the neutral party was placed in HIGH-TEST mode. These were situations involving siblings and their exes (deep breath). Ok, can I just say that…………ok, I really don’t know what the heck to say (lol). Ummm, relationships come and some relationships go. But I guess my question is…….just because a sibling is now handling an ex relationship/friendship with a long-handed spoon (in some case a darn shovel--lol) do the neutral parties have to be conformed to the changes???? I mean, over the years some of us have ridden the roller coaster more times than we cared to. And can I just say that a sistah is TIRED.

But aside from all the drama, I gotta say…..I love ALL of my siblings’ exes. YES…….ok wait let me think (lol)………YES I LOVE THEM ALL!!! In some way they have had an impact on my life that is not easily broken. Many of them just for giving me absolutely beautiful nieces and nephews. And so to me……..those exes will always be a part. No need to question. They come with the package. I mean, unless they have done something personally to ME, there is no reason to make a decision to cut the relationship. Ok, wait a minute….let me rephrase this……I mean, if they did something detrimental to me OR my sibling YES there will be problems--lol. Cause I ain’t got no problem confronting a situation if one of us is deeply hurting. But normal relationship crap……nope ain’t strong enough to break the bond. And I don’t feel the need to get involved.

Even when me and my sister was about to jump my sister’s ex while vacationing in California cause he broke bad with the both of us (this was YEARS ago--lol) we squashed our differences before we got on the plane. Cause God forbid the plane would have gone down on our wrath…umph. From that sister’s relationship alone, I still claim three brother-in-laws. (Deep breath) the things are heart make us do--lol.

Ok, but now the issue comes with the newbie. Hmmmmmmm. How in the world do we embrace the new while preserving the old?????? I mean, I’m fine with it. But why do we have to be put in the situation of feeling disloyal?????? You know what I’ve come to realize, and this ain’t pointing no fingers its just really knowing me and my loved ones true heart and motives, the insecurity 9 times out of 10 comes from the ex. A couple of days ago I was having a good conversation with my sister’s ex concerning my nephew. And my ex brother-in-law made some comments about my current brother-in-law that were uncalled for. And so, loving both dudes, I almost felt like I had a gag order in place for speaking my true feelings. Cause I didn’t want my ex brother-in-law to feel slighted.

But then I thought to myself……… “heck no!!!!” I will not allow their silent feud to gag me. It ain’t fair. It shows that I can’t be genuine and honest with a person that I call my brother. And aside from that.......anybody should have the right to express their true feelings in a relationship without worrying if the relationship would suffer. And so I said what I had to say, and although not immediately accepted, it really opened up a good dialog from there. We ended up talking for a good two hours after that. Even getting my crazy sister on the line to put in her little two cents.

But I guess my question is……..do we really have to choose one over the other????? Do we really have to forfeit one relationship in exchange for the other???? Prior to writing this entry I thought about this thing long and hard. I mean, I would be hurt if my husband’s family told me that they have decided to maintain all loyalty to my husband’s ex because that’s who was there first, and that’s who they’ve built the relationship with first. To be frank…..that to me is a relationship breaker. My profession is in marriage education and one of the biggest conflicts in a marriage is IN-LAWS. And knowing how I was unfavored growing up, the first thing I would think if my children went to my in-laws is.......are they being treated fairly. No one should have to feel this way with family. NO ONE. And it just really hurts my heart to know that children are forced to be victims to adults negativity.

Even typing this is hurting. I mean…….can’t we just all get along!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Seriously. It just goes back to who is really having the control in this. Is it the family or the ex or the newbie. If there is a true love and understanding between the ex and the family, then the ex has got to know that he/she will ALWAYS be loved (ESPECIALLY when children are involved) and that the family have enough room to love others as well. Regardless of the situation and how the newbie came to be. Embracing the newbie has nothing at all to do with the ex. It actually has nothing to do with the sibling. It really has to do with God placing people in your path for whatever reason. I would hate to get to heaven and the Lord says to me…….your sister’s boyfriend who you failed to embrace was sent by me to fulfill that missing link in your purpose in which you didn‘t complete on earth. It hurts me to think about this. We don’t know how God is going to use people in our lives. Or better yet.......how we are to be used in other people's lives.

One of my good associates is the ex girlfriend of a guy who I'd been talking to for years. Back then when I found out that he was dating her I was floored. But I ended up running into her on the metro and she knew of my family and so she approached me. She and I had a very nice conversation. Then I ran into her at a wedding and I discovered that she was a photographer. No, she and I do not speak to each other on a daily basis now, we will email each other every couple of years, but back when I was doing PR she did a few headshots for my guys. And it was only because I decided to pull my guards down that she and I developed a really good relationship. One of the gigs that she did for me turned into a lucrative deal for her. I have many of those, pulling my guards down to embrace God's plan stories. Ummmm..........my God-daughter.

Soooooooo……….its for this reason that I’ve decided to continue standing firm in neutral. All of this triangulation stuff has been a constant life lesson for me. And because of it I’m learning how to be a better sister, friend, and auntie to all of my nieces and nephews. I treat them ALL fairly. And when each are in my company they get that one-on-one treatment. That’s how my grandparents demonstrated their love to us. They have 17 grandchildren and they made it clear that they had enough love for each one of us. I stand firm on what they taught. I’m not blocking God’s flow for NOBODY’S insecurity. I refuse to block who and what God places in my path. I REFUSE. And I’m standing firm. And that goes for the old and the new.

Oh, I dare not end this entry without mentioning that my best girlfriend and I mended our differences. As I said, I was standing firm on neutral and will continue to stand firm. But she realized that some loser was not worth a lifelong friendship. It took a couple of years but we have rebuilt. Cause what God has ordained NOBODY can block. At least not if two of us are in agreement.

Give to everyone who asks of you. And from him who takes away your goods do not ask them back. And just as you want men to do to you, you also do to them likewise. “But if you love those who love you, what credit is that to you? For even sinners love those who love them. And if you do good to those who do good to you, what credit is that to you? For even sinners do the same. And if you lend to those from whom you hope to receive back, what credit is that to you? For even sinners lend to sinners to receive as much back. But love your enemies, do good, and lend, hoping for nothing in return; and your reward will be great, and you will be sons of the Most High. For He is kind to the unthankful and evil. --Luke 6:30-35