Taking It All In

These last few days have been physically and mentally draining. Can I be real today? Cause I think I just need to lay some things on the table. So can I say what the heck I feel like saying today? Thanks. Ok, so my church has been in revival for the last two weeks. In the midst of the revival a whole lotta stuff has taken place with me---lots and lots of thoughts and decisions on my mind that resulted in some emotional outpourings. Last week, I literally felt myself go to a higher spiritual level and so you know how the saying goes……the higher the level, the higher the devil. And I tell you…..it felt like satan was waiting for me to get off at the next floor up cause dude greeted me with his little pitchfork just as I was about to step out.

With all of the emotional craziness I still managed to put in some QT with my inner circle and go to my church’s picnic which was super fun. Since it was a long weekend, in which is like gold for some of us working folk--lol, I didn’t want to be confined to the clock. I just wanted to spend my long weekend sporadically and impromptu. You know….going with the flow. Well, I think that pissed some folk off cause what they had “planned” for my weekend I cancelled at the last minute. Don’t usually operate in this manner, but I felt the need to just do me.

Yesterday I straight up played hooky from work. Just didn’t feel like going. On Monday, my “laborless” holiday, I took full advantage of and spent the day lounging around the house. I managed to cook a nice dinner, get some QT in over the phone, but that was it. When it was time for me to get up for work yesterday morning, I looked at the clock and said to myself……what’s the darn use. Is it just me or is anyone else feeling a little purposeless????

For the last nine months I have been spiritually fed tremendously and sitting like a stuff pig--lol. I asked the Lord to take me to another level, and He has answered my prayers triple fold. But just last week I started to feel like I needed to release. You know....spread some of what I've been taught. Like I was taking so much in that I felt the need to be pouring out. On a full-time basis. Don’t get me wrong……I love my job and love what I do….its just that it’s beginning to not be so fulfilling anymore. Do you understand me? It feels like I need to be doing more. And so sometimes getting up doing the routine norm gets to me. And yesterday……it got to me.

For about a straight four hours I sat back and thought about all the things I could be doing. Not to toot my own horn……but I’m good at doing a lot of things--lol. You know how we do....we can turn a hobby into a ministry real quick---lol. Over the years, I’ve been juggling several projects at once and this is the first time that I’m not so busy. In fact, I only turn on my computer at home to check my email. And so yesterday, I just sat back and thought about what I wanted to get into next. About three months ago, I was heavily involved in a personal project that stemmed from my professional work, that could be ministry very easily. The ground work was set in place and I had come across several interested people who were willing and excited to support the project, but one evening while I sat still to listen to the Lord after praying I heard the Lord say….. “Not now” to the project. For a long while I was questioning the voice of the Lord like perhaps I didn’t hear His voice, but something in my spirit wouldn’t allow me to move forward.

Yesterday, I thought long and hard about that project again and decided to proceed with it. I tried to justify what I thought I heard or didn’t hear the Lord say. And the more I tried to figure it out, the more I ignored what I KNOW I heard the Lord speak to me. The ignorance resulted into…….proceed. Cause my life felt/feels purposeless and I needed some activity to fill the void. In fact, I felt so purposeless that I decided to go to the gym and walk on a low speed while brainstorming the project’s to-do list. While walking at a steady 2.5 pace on the treadmill I mapped out everything. I picked up where I had left off back in May. And up until I went to bed last night I felt like a woman on a mission. I felt purposeful and empowered.

This morning when I woke up, the Lord met me at my morning thoughts. This is indeed when I hear the Lord speak clearest to me. And so as I lay there, before getting out the bed and even before praying, the Lord reminded me of a book I read last year called….. “Having a Mary Heart in a Martha World.” Immediately, I halted---mind, body, and spirit. Cause I knew what the Lord was saying. And so I repented. And as I repented the Lord started sharing some things with me.

You know what…..I firmly believe that one of the trickiest tactics that satan will try to place on us is “fulfilling purpose”. I hear some form of “purpose” at least five times a week. Cause those of us in the Body of Christ have been conditioned to know, accept, pursue, fulfill, or do…….purpose in order to please God. Many times---many, many times---purpose gets twisted. There is such a thin line between being obedient to God’s instruction and personal agenda in which we interpret as…..purpose. In addition to this, many of us have been tricked into believing that purpose rests and relies on a platform. Therefore, you will see many Christians writing books, becoming motivational speakers, and/or forming little cliques or “alliances” where the “chosen one who is fulfilling purpose” leads a bunch of vulnerable folk to…..only God knows where. You know what’s sad????? Seeing men and women of God supposedly fulfilling purpose while in the midst of a divorce---and I’m talking about pastors and first ladies. Or those who are “fulfilling purpose” and can’t even open their mouths to speak to their fellow brothers and sisters in Christ who are indeed supporting their "ministry".

So this morning, even though I didn’t want to be…..I was obedient and I sat still to listen to the voice of the Lord. The sad truth is that I heard this message before. I think it was last year. It was the same message that had me look at the fall of Eve. Where Eve was so eager to act upon personal agenda, which was a satanic command, that she forfeited Godly instruction of obedience at the expense of mankind. An act that was laced with innocence, but to increase self. This act is so prevalent amongst Christians. As I’ve said many, many times in entries……I come across so many “Christian ministry” websites of those who claim to promote Jesus, but in reality they are promoting self, that I get turned off. A couple of months ago I was recommended a site by a sister at my church of a pastor’s wife who developed a clothing line called “Jesus Girl”. At first I thought it was kinda cute, but when I got on the site and saw the tight-fitting tees that boasted the brand I didn’t see Jesus no where in it. In fact, the message was quite clear that Jesus wasn’t being uplifting…..Jesus “girl” was.

Over the years, I’m sure you too have heard the common saying that I don’t want to get to heaven and find out that I didn’t use my gifts and talents to fulfill purpose for the Kingdom of God. As I sat back and listened this morning I was getting ready to make my spiel before the Lord about “my purpose” and the Holy Spirit softly answered…… “no, you don’t want to get to heaven and I say what you have spent fruitless time doing was not at all purposed by Me.” And without taking up too much more time, the Lord reminded me that all of His children are ministers of reconciliation. That we all are purposed to love and spread the good news. That is the great commission in which we have been purposed to do. And He reminded me that each time I get up to go to work, vibrant, and full of life given of myself unselfishly and extending a hand to my fellow colleague……that’s fulfilling purpose. All other stuff is plain old…….self-seeking, busyness.

So of course you know me…..I couldn’t let it rest. I wanted to know……Lord, is this it for me---just being fulfilled and fulfilling purpose by what I do on my day job and whatever my pastor appoints me to do at church? And the Lord answered yet again…… “just keep walking by faith for when My door opens you’ll know. As always learn of ME and proceed in obedience.” This morning I walked through my office doors with a huge smile on my face if for no other reason than to show appreciation for having a job, but I knew I was smiling for much more than that.

As Jesus and his disciples were on their way, he came to a village where a woman named Martha opened her home to him. She had a sister called Mary, who sat at the Lord's feet listening to what he said. But Martha was distracted by all the preparations that had to be made. She came to him and asked, "Lord, don't you care that my sister has left me to do the work by myself? Tell her to help me!" "Martha, Martha," the Lord answered, "you are worried and upset about many things, but only one thing is needed. Mary has chosen what is better, and it will not be taken away from her." --Luke 10:38-42