Can You Hear Me Now?????

Had a good conversation with my girlfriend “E” this morning about communication. I’d like to think that because I have a passion for relating to people, that is…..written or verbal, I am a good communicator. Aside from holding a Bachelor’s degree in Public Relations and having much professional experience in relating to people on all levels, I truly have a personal passion for communicating.

In saying that, I have a very low tolerance for folk who lacks communication skills. Ok, I’m not talking about dotting I’s or crossing T’s or speaking proper English. Nope, I’m talking about just being an effective communicator---getting a point across without making irrational generalizations or making the other person feel awkward. That truly bothers me. I’m like….. “just say what you gotta say!!!” And then…… “allow me to say what I have to say!!!” I truly get irritated when things are swept under the rug.

Perhaps it’s the way I was raised. I’ve known “E” since the second grade. We have ALWAYS been upfront and confrontational with one another and to others. When I say confrontational I mean that if either of us is concerned or unsure about something…….oh we will make a phone call. We take time to voice our feelings to one another. And we take time to listen. It’s like…….. “hold up and stop what you’re doing cause I got something to say!” We may not know the outcome, cause to be honest we have had some bad outcomes (lol), but rest assured we’re NEVER left feeling like we didn’t speak our mind to each other. And so I need all of my relationships to be this way. I really do. I need to be able to express myself and I need the other to express them without feeling like our relationship is in jeopardy.

Sometimes I feel stifled in some of my friendships. Ok…….in one of them. I don’t know. I certainly can’t blame another for not being as upfront as I am. And I certainly can’t blame someone for being non-confrontational. But I need to hear you speak; especially if there is a problem with yours truly. I need to know so that we can fix the issue, bury the hatchet, and grow in the relationship. But if we don’t talk about it with each other one and/or two things will happen. Either it will be discussed with a third party, which more than likely breeds negativity. Or it will be put in the mental files for future ammunition. Both are such unhealthy ways to maintain relationships.

Just for the record…….I’ve tried to communicate with this loved one many times in the past. I’ve expressed myself in person, on the telephone, and through email but it doesn’t seem to work. Our friendship is fastly approaching the 10 year mark and it saddens me to feel like I can’t share all of me with her. Ok, wait a minute……I do try but I don’t always get the response I’m looking for so I hold back. What I will say is that what we share, which has been the foundation of our friendship, is always free and open to discuss. But there’s much, much more to me than that past experience. And I want to feel like I can express myself without prejudice. I’m not saying agree with me…….I’m just saying let’s be able to graduate our friendship to deep meaningful conversation. The surface thing is not cutting it. And I feel almost like the friendship is pretentious.

I know I have issues, and probably even in this friendship I’m referring to. But the biggest issue I see is……..lack of patience. Ok, I’m seriously venting today and I need to have time to, so please bear with me. But I feel like there is a lack of patience. I absolutely hate feeling like I’m on a clock when talking to a loved one. Ok, don’t get me wrong…...we don’t always have time to have long drawn out conversations so there are times when its just a quick…… “hey on my way to such and such, just checking on you.” But I like to know that I can not only talk to my loved ones about ANYTHING, but also at ANYTIME. I need to be free to be me. And free to express me. And I need you to be free as well.

Every time I think about conversations and communication I remember one of my other girlfriends was dealing with a personal situation that actually stemmed from a childhood incident and fested into her adult years. But I remember one morning she called me and whatever either one of us had planned was not as important as my girlfriend’s feelings. I remember she and I talked on the phone straight from 9:00a on that Saturday morning to about 8:30p that night. And we only got off the phone because she got a call in the middle of our conversation inviting her to a social function. She really needed to get out. So she clicked over and asked me to go with her. I was in the bed. Not planning to go anywhere. But I jumped up and we went out and had one of the best nights with old buddies. We resumed our conversation the next day.

I’m a communicator and I truly expect my relationships to be open to communicate. For the most part, they are. I mean, I’m never left feeling like I’m leaning on my own understanding. Only with that one friend. I always feel like I’ve got to read between the lines. It’s nerve racking. And so juvenile. Sometimes she’ll make these generalizations and even if they are not intended for me, I somehow get hit in the crossfire.

The other issue for her not being a communicator is the lack of family values. Just calling it how I see it. I come from strong family values. And so we express ourselves freely. If you are in my inner circle I need to hear from you. And I’m not putting you on a clock or calendar, but I need to have some type of regular contact with you; because my loved ones are a part of me. Most of my family is on Facebook so within the last year we have really been current in each others daily lives. But we still do the check-ins. Ok, one of my sisters will call 50 times a day just to say….. “what you doing?” I be like…….uh the same thing I was doing two minutes ago. And I’m sure I do the same thing to her and others. I too get the random phone calls…… “where are you?” I remember hearing that a friend of a friend was offended because this question was asked in the courtship process. I laughed; because for me and my loved ones it’s just standard communication.

I don’t know. It’s obviously bothering me. What exactly is bothering me…..I really can’t express it (lol). Ok, yes I can. It bothers me that a friend can’t be totally opened and honest. But it hurts me that they will not allow me time, space, and freedom to do so. It’s very hurting. And it is difficult for me to maintain friendships if the communication is off.

Therefore each of you must put off falsehood and speak truthfully to his neighbor, for we are all members of one body.……. ---Ephesians 4:25