What in the world was I thinking. My girlfriend---REINA, yes I’m calling you out girl lol---talked me into forfeiting my gym to go to her gym to take a Total Body Conditioning class tonight. I should have took the hint when we got blocked in the garage for twenty minutes, stuck in traffic, entering into the class fifteen minutes late. Why didn’t I take the hint. LOLOL.
I should have known it was a beast when I saw the instructor. A very flexible dude who probably wears a size negative zero. And probably a good 90lbs wet. But I proceeded. Following that darn, Reina--lol. Usually when classes work you, you don’t feel it until the next day. I felt it as soon as the class dismissed. It’s bad when the gym has an elevator and you want to take it one floor up. But pride wouldn’t let me. So I climbed the stairs with my girl as best I could--lol. Then the instructor had the nerve to ask us to come to his spin class tomorrow. I wanted to say……dude I may not be going to work the rest of the week fooling with you.
I don’t even know how I got home. All I know was that I was drying my hair and lost my balance. My legs gave out. Almost electrocuted myself. What in the world did dude do to me. I mean, I saw him trying to put us in positions that looked like a game of jacks. Can’t explain it, but take my word. Dude’s limbs look like they were pointing in every direction---north, east, south, and west. All at the same time. But we hung in there with him. Umph. Maybe I’ll go back next week. I said maybe.
Now I feel obligated to answer this face book thingy. Still ain’t used to this. And still don’t like the fact that it broadcasts my business. Anywho……….I’m going to bed. My hair hurts.
Tuesday, March 31, 2009
Sunday, March 29, 2009
The Prophecy
Umph, umph, umph. The Lord be trippin me out!!! LOLOL. When I asked Him to take me deeper back at the start of this year, I had no idea it would be this deep. And just to think that this year is really just getting started……wow!! This is another where-do-I-begin entry. I had an awesome week/end. You know me....I won’t give up details but I do feel the need to share an interesting thing that happened today. Can I just say that I am happy. Not because of ANYBODY in particular, but just because the Lord is faithful. He’s literally mind blowing. When you think He’s coming one way, you look up and He’s showing up in a whole different way. I guess that’s the awesomeness of faith. Just trusting and believing GOD beyond what your eyes and ears say.
Okay, so you know how my month started……all hell broke loose. I guess I’m trippin out because the way “March Madness” began is not indication of how its ending. In fact, it just doesn’t make sense. And you know how I feel about things that don’t make sense to my understanding…….it means that God is fully in control.
So about three weeks ago, when my heart was hurting some kinda bad, I turned on DayStar TV and Kurt Carr was the special guest. Never really been a Kurt Carr fan nor have I bought any of his music---maybe one CD back in the day, but I never underestimated his ministry. So Kurt was on DayStar and his singers started singing a song and immediately I was frozen. The song blew me away. I mean, I was floored. The funny thing is that the lyrics of the song was contrary to my situation at the time. Here I was hurting from what I felt was an end, and Kurt Carr was singing about a beginning. I mean, it would have been best for me to pull out a Mary J. or Phyllis Hyman song, but where the Lord had me was where He wanted me. When I’m going through I don’t budge from God’s presence.
So I’m listening to the song and in the song Kurt also sings about accepting a prophecy and holding on to a dream. I understood the dream part because the dream I had five years ago is unfolding piece by piece. But the prophecy…..well I had a few in the last few years, but none that stopped me in my tracks. Nevertheless, I know the song was/is for me. I mean, my Spirit has been jumping for joy. Usually when I hear a song that blows me away I immediately take it all in, but then I call my sister Schley. She gets me. She totally understands the power of God through Gospel music. Though younger, she just gets it.
Okay, so I’m riding home this afternoon just thanking God for His goodness and mercy, and just for being happy in Him and I receive a call. It was from well-respected woman at the church I’m attending my Saturday class. I figured she called cause I ducked out of class yesterday and she probably wondered where I was, but that wasn’t the reason. She said she wanted to tell me something from the Lord, a prophecy. So I braced myself cause the last five days have been…………………OMG!!!!
Now keep in mind…..this woman knows NOTHING about me or my personal life. Or my life period. Okay, she knows that I am visiting the church, taking the Saturday classes with my sister, mother, and two girlfriends, but that’s it. Since I’ve been attending the classes, this woman has been such a blessing to me. The God in her is contagious. She’s an older woman, not that older, but old enough to be my big sister or perhaps even my mother. And she has so much wisdom. Anyway…..she calls me at the right time. So I’m riding home and this is the prophecy she gives me:
I see a road, a journey you’re on. And the Lord is on it with you. He says that He is in love with you and that He’s with you on this journey. It’s the right journey. Jill, He loves you so much. But your road is getting ready to turn. It’s curving towards the right. God is with you. And He is giving you so much joy. The joy is increasing. It’s joy unspeakable. It’s everlasting joy. You’re so joyful. You’re SOLD OUT for Him.
Okay, after hearing what she said I was speechless. Cause I knew exactly what she was saying and I received it. Cause I know how prophecy works, unlike a fortuneteller who relies on familiar spirits, when a word comes from the true and living God it is confirmation to what the believer already knows. And everything she said is what’s in my Spirit. It’s what I’m feeling. I remember back in September 2007 when I heard from the Lord and decided to commit to this journey. Didn’t know where it would lead, but because I trust God with my life I jumped on.
As the days progress, I see only the part of this journey where my feet are. I am literally relying on the Lord for each step I take. Don’t know where the next one will lead. I guess I’m real confident now cause it feels like I’m skipping. So much peace. I’m happy. I can’t explain it, but I feel like I’m skipping down a really bright and colorful road. I call it candy land. You know the child board game where you don’t need to know how to count or read, just move. Yeah, that’s me. And nothing or nobody can knock me off. So when she ended with “SOLD OUT” I knew what she meant.
(Deep breath) So I’m riding home, thinking, taking every thing in and the “situation” pops in my head. Call me crazy, cause though the situation looks one way, my Spirit says something else. God has the final answer. And so I decided to pop my new Kurt Carr CD in and hit track #9 and these are the lyrics to the song that I think the Lord made Kurt write just for me.
Just the Begininng
Just the beginning there’s so much more God has in store
Just the beginning its not the end its just the overture
Just the beginning I know you’re blessed
But you still haven’t seen God’s best…..not yet
I already know God’s been good to you
I already know God’s been faithful to you
I already know He’s done some incredible things
But I declare and I decree I prophesy with authority
YOU HAVEN’T SEEN YOUR BEST DAYS YET, YOU HAVEN’T SEEN YOUR GREATEST VICTORY YET, THIS IS JUST THE BEGINNING………yes, yes…..do you receive the prophecy
Just the beginning in your heart you know what God has promised you
Just the beginning never compromise or settle for less than you’re due
Just the beginning I know you’re blessed
But you still haven’t seen God’s best…..not yet
Eyes haven’t seen the things God’s planned for you
And ears haven’t heard the things He’s promised just for you
And neither has it entered into the hearts of man
All of the good things He has in store for you….there’s so much more
Do you receive the prophecy, hold on to your dream, be steadfast to your vision cause it shall come to past. It’s just the beginning and don’t quit cause He who has begun a good work is faithful to complete.
Do you receive the prophecy…..yes, yes…..do you receive the prophecy……yes, yes…this is just the beginning.
The LORD your God has blessed you in all the work of your hands. He has watched over your journey through this vast desert. These forty years the LORD your God has been with you, and you have not lacked anything. --Deuteronomy 2:7
When you were weary and worn out, they met you on your journey and cut off all who were lagging behind; they had no fear of God. ----Deuteronomy 25:18
Okay, so you know how my month started……all hell broke loose. I guess I’m trippin out because the way “March Madness” began is not indication of how its ending. In fact, it just doesn’t make sense. And you know how I feel about things that don’t make sense to my understanding…….it means that God is fully in control.
So about three weeks ago, when my heart was hurting some kinda bad, I turned on DayStar TV and Kurt Carr was the special guest. Never really been a Kurt Carr fan nor have I bought any of his music---maybe one CD back in the day, but I never underestimated his ministry. So Kurt was on DayStar and his singers started singing a song and immediately I was frozen. The song blew me away. I mean, I was floored. The funny thing is that the lyrics of the song was contrary to my situation at the time. Here I was hurting from what I felt was an end, and Kurt Carr was singing about a beginning. I mean, it would have been best for me to pull out a Mary J. or Phyllis Hyman song, but where the Lord had me was where He wanted me. When I’m going through I don’t budge from God’s presence.
So I’m listening to the song and in the song Kurt also sings about accepting a prophecy and holding on to a dream. I understood the dream part because the dream I had five years ago is unfolding piece by piece. But the prophecy…..well I had a few in the last few years, but none that stopped me in my tracks. Nevertheless, I know the song was/is for me. I mean, my Spirit has been jumping for joy. Usually when I hear a song that blows me away I immediately take it all in, but then I call my sister Schley. She gets me. She totally understands the power of God through Gospel music. Though younger, she just gets it.
Okay, so I’m riding home this afternoon just thanking God for His goodness and mercy, and just for being happy in Him and I receive a call. It was from well-respected woman at the church I’m attending my Saturday class. I figured she called cause I ducked out of class yesterday and she probably wondered where I was, but that wasn’t the reason. She said she wanted to tell me something from the Lord, a prophecy. So I braced myself cause the last five days have been…………………OMG!!!!
Now keep in mind…..this woman knows NOTHING about me or my personal life. Or my life period. Okay, she knows that I am visiting the church, taking the Saturday classes with my sister, mother, and two girlfriends, but that’s it. Since I’ve been attending the classes, this woman has been such a blessing to me. The God in her is contagious. She’s an older woman, not that older, but old enough to be my big sister or perhaps even my mother. And she has so much wisdom. Anyway…..she calls me at the right time. So I’m riding home and this is the prophecy she gives me:
I see a road, a journey you’re on. And the Lord is on it with you. He says that He is in love with you and that He’s with you on this journey. It’s the right journey. Jill, He loves you so much. But your road is getting ready to turn. It’s curving towards the right. God is with you. And He is giving you so much joy. The joy is increasing. It’s joy unspeakable. It’s everlasting joy. You’re so joyful. You’re SOLD OUT for Him.
Okay, after hearing what she said I was speechless. Cause I knew exactly what she was saying and I received it. Cause I know how prophecy works, unlike a fortuneteller who relies on familiar spirits, when a word comes from the true and living God it is confirmation to what the believer already knows. And everything she said is what’s in my Spirit. It’s what I’m feeling. I remember back in September 2007 when I heard from the Lord and decided to commit to this journey. Didn’t know where it would lead, but because I trust God with my life I jumped on.
As the days progress, I see only the part of this journey where my feet are. I am literally relying on the Lord for each step I take. Don’t know where the next one will lead. I guess I’m real confident now cause it feels like I’m skipping. So much peace. I’m happy. I can’t explain it, but I feel like I’m skipping down a really bright and colorful road. I call it candy land. You know the child board game where you don’t need to know how to count or read, just move. Yeah, that’s me. And nothing or nobody can knock me off. So when she ended with “SOLD OUT” I knew what she meant.
(Deep breath) So I’m riding home, thinking, taking every thing in and the “situation” pops in my head. Call me crazy, cause though the situation looks one way, my Spirit says something else. God has the final answer. And so I decided to pop my new Kurt Carr CD in and hit track #9 and these are the lyrics to the song that I think the Lord made Kurt write just for me.
Just the Begininng
Just the beginning there’s so much more God has in store
Just the beginning its not the end its just the overture
Just the beginning I know you’re blessed
But you still haven’t seen God’s best…..not yet
I already know God’s been good to you
I already know God’s been faithful to you
I already know He’s done some incredible things
But I declare and I decree I prophesy with authority
YOU HAVEN’T SEEN YOUR BEST DAYS YET, YOU HAVEN’T SEEN YOUR GREATEST VICTORY YET, THIS IS JUST THE BEGINNING………yes, yes…..do you receive the prophecy
Just the beginning in your heart you know what God has promised you
Just the beginning never compromise or settle for less than you’re due
Just the beginning I know you’re blessed
But you still haven’t seen God’s best…..not yet
Eyes haven’t seen the things God’s planned for you
And ears haven’t heard the things He’s promised just for you
And neither has it entered into the hearts of man
All of the good things He has in store for you….there’s so much more
Do you receive the prophecy, hold on to your dream, be steadfast to your vision cause it shall come to past. It’s just the beginning and don’t quit cause He who has begun a good work is faithful to complete.
Do you receive the prophecy…..yes, yes…..do you receive the prophecy……yes, yes…this is just the beginning.
The LORD your God has blessed you in all the work of your hands. He has watched over your journey through this vast desert. These forty years the LORD your God has been with you, and you have not lacked anything. --Deuteronomy 2:7
When you were weary and worn out, they met you on your journey and cut off all who were lagging behind; they had no fear of God. ----Deuteronomy 25:18
Sunday, March 22, 2009
[untitled]
Wow. Where do I began. I started not to write today only because I had so much to say, but nothing would come out. It wasn’t until I watched T.D. Jakes about an hour or so ago that I got the revelation. If this entry seems all over the place, its only because I really don’t know how to put this in words.
Ok, so I’ll start with a dream I had, actually a series of dreams, over the last month or so. I dreamt that I was applying make-up on my face, but I was hurt, distraught. In one dream, the make-up powder dripped all over my black suit. In another dream, I was going to an extravagant affair and while I was getting ready, applying my make-up, my sister said…… “take the make-up off”. In the dream, she simply said that you look so much beautiful without the make-up. Anybody who knows me, knows that I love Mac make-up products, especially the Studio Fix foundation. I’m not a colorful eye-shadowy, dramatic make-up wearer, but I will wear foundation, eyeliner, and mascara. Just to bring out my features---I guess. So that was that.
Last week, I was having lunch with two of my colleagues, who are also my sisters-in-Christ. One of them, we used to fellowship at the same church--an awesome teaching ministry. I left the ministry back in 2005 after moving to Montgomery County since it was a distance away. But my colleague still attend just until….last week. And so at lunch, we were all talking and my colleague was telling us how she’s become so obese with knowledge, the Word of God, so much that she’s immobilized. Unable to apply what she knows to a dying world. She said she felt like she was crippled by what she knows but unable to move how God wants her to. So over the last few years she’s just been attending church and taking it all in. Gluttony, if you will. Unable to share with others. So she made a bold, faith move and left her church to join a smaller ministry in which she feels God can use her. Our conversation was just bubbling in my Spirit for the last few days. Cause I could relate to what she was saying. Just knowing it all, but knowing nothing at the same time.
Ok, so yesterday was Strike Force. Man oh man. Satan tried so hard, but couldn’t stop what was to happen. Ok, so on the way to Strike Force my oldest sister called upset cause she was on her way to church and got a flat tire. For some reason, I didn’t want to go to Strike Force, so I immediately told her that I’d come and get her to take her to get a rental car. But at the same time, the manager at the gas station where she pulled over said he would drop her off to where she needed to go. So she told him she was going to church and so he allowed her to leave her car at his station, and he brought her to church.
I made it to church, but when I got out my car there was an ink pen hanging out my tire. It almost looked as if it was a syringe hanging out of flesh. I was stunned. But I refuse to let satan cripple both of us, so I pulled the pen out boldly, rebuking any flats, and headed into church. As I was coming in, my girlfriend Elizabeth was coming out. She said that she was going to do something else since the Strike Force agenda for the day was to go in the neighborhood and do outreach. NOT. Didn’t want to do it either. So I waited for my sister because it was my thinking that we could go get her rental, then I could go do a little shopping, then head to my mother’s for our family fish fry. That was my plan.
But when my sister got there, she said she felt like she needed to be at Strike Force. She didn’t want to get a rental until today--Sunday. It was cool cause I could take her wherever she needed to go, but I didn’t want to be there. I was like……shucks. So I humbled myself and we went in while the rest was in prayer. Couple of minutes later, I saw Elizabeth on the other side of the church. She had come back, made a motion to me that she felt convicted in her heart, and needed to be there too.
So about an hour or so later, we all separated into our groups and headed out to our pre-selected neighborhoods. Very nice and quiet, middle-class subdivision in Alexandria was given to us. Our group had eight people in it so we separated into twos. Me and my partner started walking down the street, knocking on doors, asking people if they needed prayer, etc. Soooo unlike me. And waaaay out of my comfort zone. But then we came across a house and there was a nice looking brotha probably in his late 20s getting something out of his car. So we approached him and asked if we could talk. He told us to wait a minute. He went into the house and closed the door. I’m like, lets go to my partner. I told her that dude probably think we’re Jehovah’s Witness and ain’t got time for us. But she was like…..no he’s coming back cause I feel it. And I was like…..no he ain’t. She won. The door opened and he and his father came out to greet us.
So we were standing in front of their house talking and then the father invited us in. So we went in….and the entire family came in the family room to greet us. When I tell you a BEAUTIFUL family….I mean beautiful. Both parents were there. They family is of Jamaican decent, but with a British ancestry. So physically….talk about beautiful. And their personality was beautiful also. So me and my partner were sitting there talking casually with them and the parents told us that they have been married for 40 years, and have six children. Their daughter, a twenty-one year old, was in the kitchen cooking. We were sitting in the family room, but we could see her seasoning ribs and chicken to put on the grill in which was being fired up in the backyard by the sons. Every now and again, the daughter would say a word or two in response to her father who is clearly the life of the family. Very calm jokester, but witty. The daughter, very well mannered and bubbly, seemed to have a great relationship with her parents.
So I’m sitting there amazed because here you have this wonderful Black family on a Saturday afternoon all together. All six of the children--adults---home with their parents, just chilling. And happy. So we started talking about God and they were saying how they are just burnt by the church. Just the superficial image that has become the symbol. And then we started talking about belief and then this is when it started to get deep. Basically, they believe that Jesus is the Son of God, but they don’t believe that they’re equal---meaning one. Never do I feel the need to argue the Word of God, but fleshly I could. They clearly was getting into Theology and I gotta be frank…….I have knowledge. And I pride myself on what I know. Professionally and Spiritually. But I was stuck. I couldn’t move. Nothing would come out. Actually, I was crying on the inside. I knew why, but I didn’t.
Then it got HEAVY. The wife…..a beautiful woman…..revealed that she is a psychic. Actually, when I walked in the house I knew that witchcraft was being done. Immediately, the Holy Spirit had me glance up the stairway where there were spiritual candles burning. So the wife started to explain her “gift” and how she taps into ancestry. How she can tell you what your ancestors wants you to know. And so, she said that because no church accepts her and her gift, she and her husband decided to have church at home on Saturday afternoons with their family. Basically, we had walked into their Saturday sanctuary time. In the inside I started to cry even harder. But nothing could come out.
After about an hour or more, I decided that it was time to leave cause I knew our group was wondering where in the heck we were. But there was a weird feeling. Not a feeling of hate or discomfort. But a feeling of love for these people. Some sort of connection. I couldn’t put my finger on it, but it was there. Cause these nice folks felt comfortable enough to open their homes to here what we had to say, at the same time expose themselves. Then I got a flashback. I thought about one time when I was showing a home to a client and when we walked in snakes were everywhere. Photos, statues, all types of paraphernalia of snakes were the chose décor of their home. They had signs posted of how they worshipped darkness. It was just really creepy. Then I thought about the time when I was taking a class and the person in my group handed me her business card and her title actually said, “witch”. Her service was to tap into darkness.
Ok, I can’t even begin to explain how I felt as we left. But when we got outside our group had left us. So me and my partner were walking towards the church and I was speechless. We had small talk, but she too was taken. Then we saw our group leader who had come back to get us. When we got into his car all the heaviness began to seep out of me. And basically, what I revealed to them was that we as Christians gotta get it together.
So we get back to church and everybody is there, hyped about their outreaching efforts and so the Pastor asked each team leader to give a report. But when it got to our team, my team leader asked if I could get up and say something. My heart was beating so fast. I was torn up inside. So I took the mic---in front of about 200 people---and before I could speak I bent over in tears. I was speechless. I couldn’t talk. And I couldn’t stop crying. So after a minute or so, I asked the Holy Spirit to speak for me cause I clearly couldn’t talk on my own, and what I can remember that came out of my mouth, and from what my sister and my girlfriends told me, was that I explained how us Americans are bound by self. We have built ourselves up so much with knowledge---even Bible knowledge---our profession, degrees, image, even hiding behind “ministry” and so forth that there’s a dying world out there worshipping the dead and darkness and our selfish wall is blocking us from reaching them. I simply asked the church if they could pray for us African Americans, especially us professional women in the church that we will be broken. The church was speechless. I even saw the pastor lay his head on the podium. When I sat down, the pastor said that my testimony was the most powerful that has ever come into that church. Then he introduced the guest speaker, a well-respected evangelist, and he preached on us being broken, emptying ourselves so that the Holy Spirit could use us effectively. By the end of Strike Force, EVERYBODY, even the pastor was stretched out on the altar crying out to God.
So me and my sister left--headed to my mother’s to meet up with my family for dinner, but I still felt heaviness in my heart. It was late when everybody started to leave, and since I had to take my sister home, I decided to just stay at her house until this morning. When I got in, after doing some shopping, running errands, etc. I was drained. So I took a nap and when I woke up I just still felt this heaviness. Sorta like an incomplete answer. But I knew that the Lord would bring me a revelation to whatever it was I was feeling sooner or later. I mean, I knew He gave me the message for us as a people, but there was more that needed to be revealed about me and this situation.
So this evening I’m laying in the bed, just waking up from my nap, and my body is hurting. I couldn’t move. But I turned on the television and T.D. Jakes was on. He was talking about the Blood of Jesus and how in the natural by taking someone’s blood you can find out all that’s wrong with the body. And how the Blood is a powerful thing. But this particular broadcast was different. Jakes had a forum of folk in a talk-show style setting, but every few minutes snippets of him preaching to the congregation would come on. So one particular lady on the panel asked……. “what do you say to people who believe in God, but not Jesus?” Somehow, my strength was renewed and so I sat up to listen intently. And basically, Jakes responded that those types of folk rely on Theology---and you can’t argue with knowledge because even satan knew who Jesus was. So what he said was that those types of folk you have to connect with in the wound. The part where their hurt caused the separation. Then it hit me. I got the revelation.
It went back to my dreams about the make-up. Basically, until I take it off----ALL OFF----even the outside of church self that I‘ve built, I will not reach the lost. Cause basically what I have done is masked myself so much with knowledge that I have covered up my own wounds. And if I can’t expose my wounds and deal with them accordingly, then I can’t be effectively used to get to someone else’s wounds. I now realize that we can throw scriptures and head knowledge until a lost person is resting eternally in hell, but in order to win souls to Christ we can’t rely on what we know, but WHO we know. And that's the love of God.
The end of all things is near. Therefore be clear minded and self-controlled so that you can pray. Above all, love each other deeply, because love covers over a multitude of sins. Offer hospitality to one another without grumbling. 1 Peter 4:7-9
Ok, so I’ll start with a dream I had, actually a series of dreams, over the last month or so. I dreamt that I was applying make-up on my face, but I was hurt, distraught. In one dream, the make-up powder dripped all over my black suit. In another dream, I was going to an extravagant affair and while I was getting ready, applying my make-up, my sister said…… “take the make-up off”. In the dream, she simply said that you look so much beautiful without the make-up. Anybody who knows me, knows that I love Mac make-up products, especially the Studio Fix foundation. I’m not a colorful eye-shadowy, dramatic make-up wearer, but I will wear foundation, eyeliner, and mascara. Just to bring out my features---I guess. So that was that.
Last week, I was having lunch with two of my colleagues, who are also my sisters-in-Christ. One of them, we used to fellowship at the same church--an awesome teaching ministry. I left the ministry back in 2005 after moving to Montgomery County since it was a distance away. But my colleague still attend just until….last week. And so at lunch, we were all talking and my colleague was telling us how she’s become so obese with knowledge, the Word of God, so much that she’s immobilized. Unable to apply what she knows to a dying world. She said she felt like she was crippled by what she knows but unable to move how God wants her to. So over the last few years she’s just been attending church and taking it all in. Gluttony, if you will. Unable to share with others. So she made a bold, faith move and left her church to join a smaller ministry in which she feels God can use her. Our conversation was just bubbling in my Spirit for the last few days. Cause I could relate to what she was saying. Just knowing it all, but knowing nothing at the same time.
Ok, so yesterday was Strike Force. Man oh man. Satan tried so hard, but couldn’t stop what was to happen. Ok, so on the way to Strike Force my oldest sister called upset cause she was on her way to church and got a flat tire. For some reason, I didn’t want to go to Strike Force, so I immediately told her that I’d come and get her to take her to get a rental car. But at the same time, the manager at the gas station where she pulled over said he would drop her off to where she needed to go. So she told him she was going to church and so he allowed her to leave her car at his station, and he brought her to church.
I made it to church, but when I got out my car there was an ink pen hanging out my tire. It almost looked as if it was a syringe hanging out of flesh. I was stunned. But I refuse to let satan cripple both of us, so I pulled the pen out boldly, rebuking any flats, and headed into church. As I was coming in, my girlfriend Elizabeth was coming out. She said that she was going to do something else since the Strike Force agenda for the day was to go in the neighborhood and do outreach. NOT. Didn’t want to do it either. So I waited for my sister because it was my thinking that we could go get her rental, then I could go do a little shopping, then head to my mother’s for our family fish fry. That was my plan.
But when my sister got there, she said she felt like she needed to be at Strike Force. She didn’t want to get a rental until today--Sunday. It was cool cause I could take her wherever she needed to go, but I didn’t want to be there. I was like……shucks. So I humbled myself and we went in while the rest was in prayer. Couple of minutes later, I saw Elizabeth on the other side of the church. She had come back, made a motion to me that she felt convicted in her heart, and needed to be there too.
So about an hour or so later, we all separated into our groups and headed out to our pre-selected neighborhoods. Very nice and quiet, middle-class subdivision in Alexandria was given to us. Our group had eight people in it so we separated into twos. Me and my partner started walking down the street, knocking on doors, asking people if they needed prayer, etc. Soooo unlike me. And waaaay out of my comfort zone. But then we came across a house and there was a nice looking brotha probably in his late 20s getting something out of his car. So we approached him and asked if we could talk. He told us to wait a minute. He went into the house and closed the door. I’m like, lets go to my partner. I told her that dude probably think we’re Jehovah’s Witness and ain’t got time for us. But she was like…..no he’s coming back cause I feel it. And I was like…..no he ain’t. She won. The door opened and he and his father came out to greet us.
So we were standing in front of their house talking and then the father invited us in. So we went in….and the entire family came in the family room to greet us. When I tell you a BEAUTIFUL family….I mean beautiful. Both parents were there. They family is of Jamaican decent, but with a British ancestry. So physically….talk about beautiful. And their personality was beautiful also. So me and my partner were sitting there talking casually with them and the parents told us that they have been married for 40 years, and have six children. Their daughter, a twenty-one year old, was in the kitchen cooking. We were sitting in the family room, but we could see her seasoning ribs and chicken to put on the grill in which was being fired up in the backyard by the sons. Every now and again, the daughter would say a word or two in response to her father who is clearly the life of the family. Very calm jokester, but witty. The daughter, very well mannered and bubbly, seemed to have a great relationship with her parents.
So I’m sitting there amazed because here you have this wonderful Black family on a Saturday afternoon all together. All six of the children--adults---home with their parents, just chilling. And happy. So we started talking about God and they were saying how they are just burnt by the church. Just the superficial image that has become the symbol. And then we started talking about belief and then this is when it started to get deep. Basically, they believe that Jesus is the Son of God, but they don’t believe that they’re equal---meaning one. Never do I feel the need to argue the Word of God, but fleshly I could. They clearly was getting into Theology and I gotta be frank…….I have knowledge. And I pride myself on what I know. Professionally and Spiritually. But I was stuck. I couldn’t move. Nothing would come out. Actually, I was crying on the inside. I knew why, but I didn’t.
Then it got HEAVY. The wife…..a beautiful woman…..revealed that she is a psychic. Actually, when I walked in the house I knew that witchcraft was being done. Immediately, the Holy Spirit had me glance up the stairway where there were spiritual candles burning. So the wife started to explain her “gift” and how she taps into ancestry. How she can tell you what your ancestors wants you to know. And so, she said that because no church accepts her and her gift, she and her husband decided to have church at home on Saturday afternoons with their family. Basically, we had walked into their Saturday sanctuary time. In the inside I started to cry even harder. But nothing could come out.
After about an hour or more, I decided that it was time to leave cause I knew our group was wondering where in the heck we were. But there was a weird feeling. Not a feeling of hate or discomfort. But a feeling of love for these people. Some sort of connection. I couldn’t put my finger on it, but it was there. Cause these nice folks felt comfortable enough to open their homes to here what we had to say, at the same time expose themselves. Then I got a flashback. I thought about one time when I was showing a home to a client and when we walked in snakes were everywhere. Photos, statues, all types of paraphernalia of snakes were the chose décor of their home. They had signs posted of how they worshipped darkness. It was just really creepy. Then I thought about the time when I was taking a class and the person in my group handed me her business card and her title actually said, “witch”. Her service was to tap into darkness.
Ok, I can’t even begin to explain how I felt as we left. But when we got outside our group had left us. So me and my partner were walking towards the church and I was speechless. We had small talk, but she too was taken. Then we saw our group leader who had come back to get us. When we got into his car all the heaviness began to seep out of me. And basically, what I revealed to them was that we as Christians gotta get it together.
So we get back to church and everybody is there, hyped about their outreaching efforts and so the Pastor asked each team leader to give a report. But when it got to our team, my team leader asked if I could get up and say something. My heart was beating so fast. I was torn up inside. So I took the mic---in front of about 200 people---and before I could speak I bent over in tears. I was speechless. I couldn’t talk. And I couldn’t stop crying. So after a minute or so, I asked the Holy Spirit to speak for me cause I clearly couldn’t talk on my own, and what I can remember that came out of my mouth, and from what my sister and my girlfriends told me, was that I explained how us Americans are bound by self. We have built ourselves up so much with knowledge---even Bible knowledge---our profession, degrees, image, even hiding behind “ministry” and so forth that there’s a dying world out there worshipping the dead and darkness and our selfish wall is blocking us from reaching them. I simply asked the church if they could pray for us African Americans, especially us professional women in the church that we will be broken. The church was speechless. I even saw the pastor lay his head on the podium. When I sat down, the pastor said that my testimony was the most powerful that has ever come into that church. Then he introduced the guest speaker, a well-respected evangelist, and he preached on us being broken, emptying ourselves so that the Holy Spirit could use us effectively. By the end of Strike Force, EVERYBODY, even the pastor was stretched out on the altar crying out to God.
So me and my sister left--headed to my mother’s to meet up with my family for dinner, but I still felt heaviness in my heart. It was late when everybody started to leave, and since I had to take my sister home, I decided to just stay at her house until this morning. When I got in, after doing some shopping, running errands, etc. I was drained. So I took a nap and when I woke up I just still felt this heaviness. Sorta like an incomplete answer. But I knew that the Lord would bring me a revelation to whatever it was I was feeling sooner or later. I mean, I knew He gave me the message for us as a people, but there was more that needed to be revealed about me and this situation.
So this evening I’m laying in the bed, just waking up from my nap, and my body is hurting. I couldn’t move. But I turned on the television and T.D. Jakes was on. He was talking about the Blood of Jesus and how in the natural by taking someone’s blood you can find out all that’s wrong with the body. And how the Blood is a powerful thing. But this particular broadcast was different. Jakes had a forum of folk in a talk-show style setting, but every few minutes snippets of him preaching to the congregation would come on. So one particular lady on the panel asked……. “what do you say to people who believe in God, but not Jesus?” Somehow, my strength was renewed and so I sat up to listen intently. And basically, Jakes responded that those types of folk rely on Theology---and you can’t argue with knowledge because even satan knew who Jesus was. So what he said was that those types of folk you have to connect with in the wound. The part where their hurt caused the separation. Then it hit me. I got the revelation.
It went back to my dreams about the make-up. Basically, until I take it off----ALL OFF----even the outside of church self that I‘ve built, I will not reach the lost. Cause basically what I have done is masked myself so much with knowledge that I have covered up my own wounds. And if I can’t expose my wounds and deal with them accordingly, then I can’t be effectively used to get to someone else’s wounds. I now realize that we can throw scriptures and head knowledge until a lost person is resting eternally in hell, but in order to win souls to Christ we can’t rely on what we know, but WHO we know. And that's the love of God.
The end of all things is near. Therefore be clear minded and self-controlled so that you can pray. Above all, love each other deeply, because love covers over a multitude of sins. Offer hospitality to one another without grumbling. 1 Peter 4:7-9
Wednesday, March 18, 2009
A Talk About Commitment
I just found out some disturbing statistics. Okay, not really. I mean…..it ain’t like I didn’t know. Especially since working in marriage education I come across all types of information on marriage and relationships. So really I ain’t surprised. But the funny thing is……wait…….I don’t know whether to tell the revelation or give the facts. Well, since the truth trumps the facts, I’ll give the facts first and back it with the revelation the Lord gave me three weeks ago.
So, according to the U.S. Census Bureau, African American women are the most “never been married” group in America. Am I the only one startled about this????? I mean, especially being African American and single, myself. Why is this????? Okay, I now know why because the Lord spoke to me. But this is a problem. Especially since African American women are supposed to know first hand how to cater to a man. Or do we? Didn’t our mommas and grandmommas teach us this???? I mean, mine did.
You know what.....this single sistah circle I've been riding with is a mess now. I mean, I luuvs my girls and all---but its time for the next level. I mean, in the late 20s, early 30s it was fine. Empowering. “Can’t no man do for us what we can’t do for ourselves (snapping fingers in the air---the ring finger at that--lol). But now……something is clearly wrong cause there are too many of us unmarried. And I don’t mean overall, I mean us sistahs in the church.
Ok, so I was sitting in Strike Force a couple of weeks ago and the Lord spoke to me so clearly. He said…..in which I firmly believe……that the reason why a lot of single women in the church are unmarried, even though they desire to be, is because (1) their motive for being in church are selfishly wrong, and (2) because their motive is wrong there is no true commitment to the church. Very few of us are seeking God because of who He is, but seeking Him for who He has for us---a husband.
Can I be honest today? Ok, thanks. Cause total honestly is the only way to write this one. Ok, I’d be the first to admit that although I WHOLEHEARTEDLY go to church to worship the Lord, I am not committed to the church like I should be. I mean, I go and participate on my terms. Just like with Strike Force. Because it takes up six hours of my day on Saturdays, I don’t go to church on Sundays---at least not for the next few weeks. And outside of that, I lend my talents and services according to how I feel. If I don’t feel like doing such and such….I don’t. If I can use an excuse I’d say that the church burnt me out over the years. But that’s lame and overused. So why do I REALLY go to church when I do decide to go? Maybe because I like the fellowship, the word. At this point, I really don’t know. I want to believe that my heart is there but my mind is clearly somewhere else.
Whew. Yes, yes. Ok, I think I have a problem with commitment. That’s commitment to the church. But I’m saying it like as long as I can be committed to a man (in which I pride myself on) then that’s all that matters. NOT!!! Ok, bear with me cause I’m dealing with myself today—lol. I’m pointing a finger directly at me today.
The Bible speaks clearly about the relationship between a husband and wife being equivalent to God and the church. And about the relationship between God and the husband in which in a marriage the wife submits to the husband as the husband submits to God. And just like in a marriage a husband and a wife are one and should not be separated, so is the relationship between God and the church. SOOOOO…….if those of us who are unmarried don’t have a husband to submit to then we have to submit directly to God. That is…..God AND the church.
So how can we honestly say that we are committed to God and not be committed to church? And vice versa, how can we be committed to a church……and not to God. I mean the authority and commands of God. That’s like saying that my child is committed to me, but not to my husband---his/her father. There’s an imbalance. And an imbalance will cause the child to lack in a number of ways. Like growing up and not being able to maintain a relationship…….hmmmmm. See the connection. Yes, I see it. We have to realize that everything that happens in the natural happens in the Spiritual.
But speaking about commitment, that’s to anybody, it has to be more than just a will and a promise. Your being---mind, body, and soul---has to be drawn and connected. It has to be like if I’m not with that person I feel totally incomplete. Umph. Am I there yet with the church? Umph. Pray for me cause I truly desire a better relationship with the church.
Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit to their husbands in everything. Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her to make her holy, cleansing her by the washing with water through the word, and to present her to himself as a radiant church, without stain or wrinkle or any other blemish, but holy and blameless. In this same way, husbands ought to love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. After all, no one ever hated his own body, but he feeds and cares for it, just as Christ does the church— for we are members of his body. ---Ephesians 5:24-30
So, according to the U.S. Census Bureau, African American women are the most “never been married” group in America. Am I the only one startled about this????? I mean, especially being African American and single, myself. Why is this????? Okay, I now know why because the Lord spoke to me. But this is a problem. Especially since African American women are supposed to know first hand how to cater to a man. Or do we? Didn’t our mommas and grandmommas teach us this???? I mean, mine did.
You know what.....this single sistah circle I've been riding with is a mess now. I mean, I luuvs my girls and all---but its time for the next level. I mean, in the late 20s, early 30s it was fine. Empowering. “Can’t no man do for us what we can’t do for ourselves (snapping fingers in the air---the ring finger at that--lol). But now……something is clearly wrong cause there are too many of us unmarried. And I don’t mean overall, I mean us sistahs in the church.
Ok, so I was sitting in Strike Force a couple of weeks ago and the Lord spoke to me so clearly. He said…..in which I firmly believe……that the reason why a lot of single women in the church are unmarried, even though they desire to be, is because (1) their motive for being in church are selfishly wrong, and (2) because their motive is wrong there is no true commitment to the church. Very few of us are seeking God because of who He is, but seeking Him for who He has for us---a husband.
Can I be honest today? Ok, thanks. Cause total honestly is the only way to write this one. Ok, I’d be the first to admit that although I WHOLEHEARTEDLY go to church to worship the Lord, I am not committed to the church like I should be. I mean, I go and participate on my terms. Just like with Strike Force. Because it takes up six hours of my day on Saturdays, I don’t go to church on Sundays---at least not for the next few weeks. And outside of that, I lend my talents and services according to how I feel. If I don’t feel like doing such and such….I don’t. If I can use an excuse I’d say that the church burnt me out over the years. But that’s lame and overused. So why do I REALLY go to church when I do decide to go? Maybe because I like the fellowship, the word. At this point, I really don’t know. I want to believe that my heart is there but my mind is clearly somewhere else.
Whew. Yes, yes. Ok, I think I have a problem with commitment. That’s commitment to the church. But I’m saying it like as long as I can be committed to a man (in which I pride myself on) then that’s all that matters. NOT!!! Ok, bear with me cause I’m dealing with myself today—lol. I’m pointing a finger directly at me today.
The Bible speaks clearly about the relationship between a husband and wife being equivalent to God and the church. And about the relationship between God and the husband in which in a marriage the wife submits to the husband as the husband submits to God. And just like in a marriage a husband and a wife are one and should not be separated, so is the relationship between God and the church. SOOOOO…….if those of us who are unmarried don’t have a husband to submit to then we have to submit directly to God. That is…..God AND the church.
So how can we honestly say that we are committed to God and not be committed to church? And vice versa, how can we be committed to a church……and not to God. I mean the authority and commands of God. That’s like saying that my child is committed to me, but not to my husband---his/her father. There’s an imbalance. And an imbalance will cause the child to lack in a number of ways. Like growing up and not being able to maintain a relationship…….hmmmmm. See the connection. Yes, I see it. We have to realize that everything that happens in the natural happens in the Spiritual.
But speaking about commitment, that’s to anybody, it has to be more than just a will and a promise. Your being---mind, body, and soul---has to be drawn and connected. It has to be like if I’m not with that person I feel totally incomplete. Umph. Am I there yet with the church? Umph. Pray for me cause I truly desire a better relationship with the church.
Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit to their husbands in everything. Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her to make her holy, cleansing her by the washing with water through the word, and to present her to himself as a radiant church, without stain or wrinkle or any other blemish, but holy and blameless. In this same way, husbands ought to love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. After all, no one ever hated his own body, but he feeds and cares for it, just as Christ does the church— for we are members of his body. ---Ephesians 5:24-30
Just Because......
I think I said in an entry last week that when it rains it pours. If that’s true……then now I can hear the thunder rolling. What the heck is up with this month!!! Ok, its one thing to mess with my surroundings---you know the folk I associate with. And it’s another thing to mess with me cause my faith is so strong in the Lord that even my weakest day will beat satan’s strongest day. But when he starts messing with my family……oh then it’s on!!!
So yesterday I was so swamped with work that I could hardly go to the bathroom. Trying to meet deadlines, do conference calls, budgeting, and all kinds of other tasks. Then I get a call from my sister in the calmest voice saying……. [it happened]. I was totally oblivious to what she was saying. Then it hit me and I almost screamed. I’m like WHAT!!!!!! But then peace came over me. The funny thing is that just yesterday morning when I woke up I started praying for the situation out of the blue.
You know what…..as I am writing I was going to speak about how in the time of trouble the Lord will protect, and though this is true and we believe and receive it there’s something else I want to express. Can I just say that I LUUUUVS my family. I’d have to be the first to admit that there’s a little dysfunctionalism--lol hiding in there, but even in that we have an unbreakable bond. We know how to unify. You know what….sometimes I sit back and watch folk and how they deal with family situations and am amazed. Especially when a love one dies or is sick or is in need. I mean……it is nothing for my family to jump out of the norm to be at a loved one’s side. NOTHING.
Even a couple of months ago when my sister got sick and me, my mother, and two other sisters were in church when my mother received a text from my niece. From across the sanctuary my mother gave me a signal, I got my sister, and we got my girlfriends, went to the back of the church and started praying. Within minutes we were headed to the hospital.
When my grandmother died back in 1995, I had just gotten in the bed when she called my mother and told her she was feeling funny. My younger sisters---preteens at the time---were visiting my grandparents in New York for spring break. So my mother told my sisters to get in the bed with my grandmother to make sure she was alright. Not even a half hour later we got a call from my screaming sister saying that when my grandmother got up to go to the bathroom she collapsed. Dropped dead of a heart attack.
At the time I was living home, and so I heard my mother scream. I lie not….within twenty minutes our house was packed---in-laws, cousins, friends galore. And within the hour we had a caravan headed to New York. We threw stuff in bags and were out. All of us. I don’t even think it was midnight yet. But we came together, as we always do.
And when my niece died in 2006, man the wounds are still fresh so I don’t want to speak much on it. But what I will say is that the hospital probably never even seen that type of crowd before. It was nothing for us to pack out the waiting rooms. I remember my boss, knowing just how close I am to my family, gave me extended leave just because…….
But that’s just us. We drop EVERYTHING to be with family---mind, body, and soul. And so when I got the call yesterday although I was at peace, nothing else mattered. But my family. Thinking and praying. Thinking and praying. Boy, I’m glad it’s not a death, but it is a life interruption. And hearts are pierced. Last night I lay quietly by the phone since there’s not much we can do but wait.
Last Saturday was “family day” and we were all together eating and laughing, like nothing. I should have told everybody I loved them instead of just expressing it. Umph. But this Friday will be family day again, just because…….. Umph.
Give the people these instructions, too, so that no one may be open to blame. If anyone does not provide for his relatives, and especially for his immediate family, he has denied the faith and is worse than an unbeliever. --1 Timothy 5:7-8
So yesterday I was so swamped with work that I could hardly go to the bathroom. Trying to meet deadlines, do conference calls, budgeting, and all kinds of other tasks. Then I get a call from my sister in the calmest voice saying……. [it happened]. I was totally oblivious to what she was saying. Then it hit me and I almost screamed. I’m like WHAT!!!!!! But then peace came over me. The funny thing is that just yesterday morning when I woke up I started praying for the situation out of the blue.
You know what…..as I am writing I was going to speak about how in the time of trouble the Lord will protect, and though this is true and we believe and receive it there’s something else I want to express. Can I just say that I LUUUUVS my family. I’d have to be the first to admit that there’s a little dysfunctionalism--lol hiding in there, but even in that we have an unbreakable bond. We know how to unify. You know what….sometimes I sit back and watch folk and how they deal with family situations and am amazed. Especially when a love one dies or is sick or is in need. I mean……it is nothing for my family to jump out of the norm to be at a loved one’s side. NOTHING.
Even a couple of months ago when my sister got sick and me, my mother, and two other sisters were in church when my mother received a text from my niece. From across the sanctuary my mother gave me a signal, I got my sister, and we got my girlfriends, went to the back of the church and started praying. Within minutes we were headed to the hospital.
When my grandmother died back in 1995, I had just gotten in the bed when she called my mother and told her she was feeling funny. My younger sisters---preteens at the time---were visiting my grandparents in New York for spring break. So my mother told my sisters to get in the bed with my grandmother to make sure she was alright. Not even a half hour later we got a call from my screaming sister saying that when my grandmother got up to go to the bathroom she collapsed. Dropped dead of a heart attack.
At the time I was living home, and so I heard my mother scream. I lie not….within twenty minutes our house was packed---in-laws, cousins, friends galore. And within the hour we had a caravan headed to New York. We threw stuff in bags and were out. All of us. I don’t even think it was midnight yet. But we came together, as we always do.
And when my niece died in 2006, man the wounds are still fresh so I don’t want to speak much on it. But what I will say is that the hospital probably never even seen that type of crowd before. It was nothing for us to pack out the waiting rooms. I remember my boss, knowing just how close I am to my family, gave me extended leave just because…….
But that’s just us. We drop EVERYTHING to be with family---mind, body, and soul. And so when I got the call yesterday although I was at peace, nothing else mattered. But my family. Thinking and praying. Thinking and praying. Boy, I’m glad it’s not a death, but it is a life interruption. And hearts are pierced. Last night I lay quietly by the phone since there’s not much we can do but wait.
Last Saturday was “family day” and we were all together eating and laughing, like nothing. I should have told everybody I loved them instead of just expressing it. Umph. But this Friday will be family day again, just because…….. Umph.
Give the people these instructions, too, so that no one may be open to blame. If anyone does not provide for his relatives, and especially for his immediate family, he has denied the faith and is worse than an unbeliever. --1 Timothy 5:7-8
Sunday, March 15, 2009
Year of the Holy Spirit
You go Eddie Long!!!!!!! It’s on now. The Lord is speaking through His servants and they are being obedient. I truly believe that the Body of Christ (the church) is getting ready to do an about face. We’re going back to basics. Before we took authentic prayer and worship out the church. Yes, I said it. Ok, you know how I feel about this prosperity movement that the church has fallen into, more so in the Black church, but slowly but surely things are changing. I guess folks are figuring out that this self-building/motivational thingy in the church ain’t working.
Just heard Eddie Long on TBN tonight revealing that this is the Year of the Holy Spirit. YES!!!!! I truly, in my heart of hearts, and deep in my Spirit, believe that. He said that there was going to be an increase so great this year and it will not be the increase in which we’ve been taught. He said…..it will be an increase of Christians experiencing God in the Spirit realm. As it should be. Too many of us are operating on shallow ground and not really experiencing God. And the plan HE has for our lives. And HIS will for us on this earth. And HIS promises of eternal life. Bishop Long went on to say that prophecy is getting ready to take place and that we as the Body of Christ must be ready.
Whew!!!! I tell ya………things are getting ready to shift and those who claim to be Christians better be open to the voice and command of God. Cause something is about to happen. Take that as prophecy.
But mark this: There will be terrible times in the last days. People will be lovers of themselves, lovers of money, boastful, proud, abusive, disobedient to their parents, ungrateful, unholy, without love, unforgiving, slanderous, without self-control, brutal, not lovers of the good, treacherous, rash, conceited, lovers of pleasure rather than lovers of God— having a form of godliness but denying its power. Have nothing to do with them. --2 Timothy 3
Just heard Eddie Long on TBN tonight revealing that this is the Year of the Holy Spirit. YES!!!!! I truly, in my heart of hearts, and deep in my Spirit, believe that. He said that there was going to be an increase so great this year and it will not be the increase in which we’ve been taught. He said…..it will be an increase of Christians experiencing God in the Spirit realm. As it should be. Too many of us are operating on shallow ground and not really experiencing God. And the plan HE has for our lives. And HIS will for us on this earth. And HIS promises of eternal life. Bishop Long went on to say that prophecy is getting ready to take place and that we as the Body of Christ must be ready.
Whew!!!! I tell ya………things are getting ready to shift and those who claim to be Christians better be open to the voice and command of God. Cause something is about to happen. Take that as prophecy.
But mark this: There will be terrible times in the last days. People will be lovers of themselves, lovers of money, boastful, proud, abusive, disobedient to their parents, ungrateful, unholy, without love, unforgiving, slanderous, without self-control, brutal, not lovers of the good, treacherous, rash, conceited, lovers of pleasure rather than lovers of God— having a form of godliness but denying its power. Have nothing to do with them. --2 Timothy 3
Friday, March 13, 2009
Happy Friday!!
Oh my goodness!!!! Something spectacular just happened!!!! Ok, I knew it was gonna be a day out of the norm when I walked out the metro and it started snowing!! Yes, SNOWING. It supposed to be spring---or close to it. Good thing I wore my heavier coat.
Anyway, so I’m sitting at my desk just thinking about the goodness of the Lord. You know…..how His peace is just mind-blowing. And not that anything “happened” in the last few days or hours prior to make me happy, cause according to the last few days I should feel sad. But I’m not. I just feel happy. I guess what it really is, is joy. But whatever it is I was just sitting here working and smiling and feeling good.
Then the Lord spoke. And gave me instruction. Uh oh. My pride kicked into overdrive. But weirdly, my heart, my mind, and my body wasn’t falling for it this time. I guess they know that they’d better get in tuned to the Holy Spirit cause they’re powerless on their own. So peace overrode pride, and I proceeded. I gotta be obedient. Didn’t know what the outcome would be, but that wasn’t my concern. I had instruction from God and that was all that mattered. Can I just say that God NEVER fails!!!! God NEVER EVER fails. My happiness just went to a whole another level.
Today is a happy Friday indeed. I guess I was expecting it to be.
Saying, surely blessing I will bless thee, and multiplying I will multiply thee. And so, after he had patiently endured, he obtained the promise. --Hebrews 6:14-15
Anyway, so I’m sitting at my desk just thinking about the goodness of the Lord. You know…..how His peace is just mind-blowing. And not that anything “happened” in the last few days or hours prior to make me happy, cause according to the last few days I should feel sad. But I’m not. I just feel happy. I guess what it really is, is joy. But whatever it is I was just sitting here working and smiling and feeling good.
Then the Lord spoke. And gave me instruction. Uh oh. My pride kicked into overdrive. But weirdly, my heart, my mind, and my body wasn’t falling for it this time. I guess they know that they’d better get in tuned to the Holy Spirit cause they’re powerless on their own. So peace overrode pride, and I proceeded. I gotta be obedient. Didn’t know what the outcome would be, but that wasn’t my concern. I had instruction from God and that was all that mattered. Can I just say that God NEVER fails!!!! God NEVER EVER fails. My happiness just went to a whole another level.
Today is a happy Friday indeed. I guess I was expecting it to be.
Saying, surely blessing I will bless thee, and multiplying I will multiply thee. And so, after he had patiently endured, he obtained the promise. --Hebrews 6:14-15
Wednesday, March 11, 2009
Connected......Again!
Ok, I could just say “reconnected” but I think I already titled an entry that a few months ago. If so, boy……I need to get it together---lol. Anyway, so I’m home today. Had a lot of home business to take care of. So I did what I usually do when personal business got to be done. Schedule all in one day.
For the last three months or so, my home computer has been down. So that meant no internet. And while I missed having access from home, it played well since I didn’t have cable either. Yes, yes….Comcast got me all bundled up. But here’s the tough part…..my home phone is VOIP, therefore in order for the phone to work I have to have internet service, but my computer was broken, sooooooo…….. I’ve been hurting. My poor little Blackberry has been worn out. But it does the job--lol.
So last week, I took my computer to the professional boys and got the hook-up. Then I called Comcast to get their butts back out here to reconnect my darn cable and internet today. And since I was gonna be home I called the electrician out to run tests to see why my freaking Pepco bill is tipping $300+ for the last few months. If you don’t know by now….I ain’t Rockefeller, therefore I do operate on a budget.
Of course, everybody came out at the same time. My computer was delivered, Comcast reconnected my cable and internet, and the electrician did his thing. The electrician made my day cause he said what I wanted to her……..Ms. Morris, you need a new dryer cause this one is pulling twice as much power than a dryer is suppose to. Yes, yes……any excuse to “have” to purchase that sun-burst orange front-load washer and dryer from Home Depot. Hey, might as well get the washer too, right.
So, everybody was here doing their thing and the cable guy was getting ready to leave. So I handed him a check for $121 cause that’s what the rep on the phone told me it would cost. But dude wouldn’t accept it. I’m like, you sure cause I don’t want Comcast billing me for it next month. He said, no your next payment is $81 and that’s it. I was like, HUH!!! I wasn’t having it. I was trying hard to give him the check. But he still wouldn’t take it. He said....Ms. Morris, my slip doesn’t require payment so I can‘t accept it. Then he showed me the paperwork that read……NO PAYMENT REQUIRED ON DELIVERY. I was like…okay. Yet, again…..the Lord hooked a sistah up!!!
As soon as the last person left, I grabbed my purse cause I was……..going shopping. First stop…..Home Depot. Then my oldest sister called. And we did our daily chit-chatter. Then she gave me the lecture about working full-time for myself---as she does. The thought sounds nice, but the reality makes it complicated. And I don’t want complicated right now. I like the fact that I make a decent salary with good benefits, doing something that really interests me---managing a family enrichment program for the feds. I really do. But she was making all the sense in the world. So I plopped on the sofa with purse and keys in my hand and listened. Gotta listen to big sis. Got to. That’s why God put her in our life. My oldest sister helped me prepare for my first date, write my first check, buy my first home and first car, and ohhhhh the first time---yes that---she gave me all the do’s and don’ts. Talk about a trail-blazer. Most times when we’re together people think I’m the oldest, but trust when I tell you……she does her big sister job well and makes it clear who’s the oldest. So I listened. Intently.
As soon as I hung up with her, I was drained. Thoughts running through my head---dollar signs, my future, flashbacks from last week, my to-do list……I no longer felt like going out. The mood was struck. So I put my keys back in my purse, took off my shoes and jacket and laid on the sofa. I grabbed my new Essence magazine with Taraji P. Henson on the cover----luvs her----and started flipping through. But then a light bulb lit………I got me some cable!!! As Mya Wilkes from Girlfriends would say. So I turned to a good movie, grabbed my comforter and pillow, and enjoyed my free afternoon.
Moreover, when God gives any man wealth and possessions, and enables him to enjoy them, to accept his lot and be happy in his work—this is a gift of God. --Ecclesiastes 5:19
For the last three months or so, my home computer has been down. So that meant no internet. And while I missed having access from home, it played well since I didn’t have cable either. Yes, yes….Comcast got me all bundled up. But here’s the tough part…..my home phone is VOIP, therefore in order for the phone to work I have to have internet service, but my computer was broken, sooooooo…….. I’ve been hurting. My poor little Blackberry has been worn out. But it does the job--lol.
So last week, I took my computer to the professional boys and got the hook-up. Then I called Comcast to get their butts back out here to reconnect my darn cable and internet today. And since I was gonna be home I called the electrician out to run tests to see why my freaking Pepco bill is tipping $300+ for the last few months. If you don’t know by now….I ain’t Rockefeller, therefore I do operate on a budget.
Of course, everybody came out at the same time. My computer was delivered, Comcast reconnected my cable and internet, and the electrician did his thing. The electrician made my day cause he said what I wanted to her……..Ms. Morris, you need a new dryer cause this one is pulling twice as much power than a dryer is suppose to. Yes, yes……any excuse to “have” to purchase that sun-burst orange front-load washer and dryer from Home Depot. Hey, might as well get the washer too, right.
So, everybody was here doing their thing and the cable guy was getting ready to leave. So I handed him a check for $121 cause that’s what the rep on the phone told me it would cost. But dude wouldn’t accept it. I’m like, you sure cause I don’t want Comcast billing me for it next month. He said, no your next payment is $81 and that’s it. I was like, HUH!!! I wasn’t having it. I was trying hard to give him the check. But he still wouldn’t take it. He said....Ms. Morris, my slip doesn’t require payment so I can‘t accept it. Then he showed me the paperwork that read……NO PAYMENT REQUIRED ON DELIVERY. I was like…okay. Yet, again…..the Lord hooked a sistah up!!!
As soon as the last person left, I grabbed my purse cause I was……..going shopping. First stop…..Home Depot. Then my oldest sister called. And we did our daily chit-chatter. Then she gave me the lecture about working full-time for myself---as she does. The thought sounds nice, but the reality makes it complicated. And I don’t want complicated right now. I like the fact that I make a decent salary with good benefits, doing something that really interests me---managing a family enrichment program for the feds. I really do. But she was making all the sense in the world. So I plopped on the sofa with purse and keys in my hand and listened. Gotta listen to big sis. Got to. That’s why God put her in our life. My oldest sister helped me prepare for my first date, write my first check, buy my first home and first car, and ohhhhh the first time---yes that---she gave me all the do’s and don’ts. Talk about a trail-blazer. Most times when we’re together people think I’m the oldest, but trust when I tell you……she does her big sister job well and makes it clear who’s the oldest. So I listened. Intently.
As soon as I hung up with her, I was drained. Thoughts running through my head---dollar signs, my future, flashbacks from last week, my to-do list……I no longer felt like going out. The mood was struck. So I put my keys back in my purse, took off my shoes and jacket and laid on the sofa. I grabbed my new Essence magazine with Taraji P. Henson on the cover----luvs her----and started flipping through. But then a light bulb lit………I got me some cable!!! As Mya Wilkes from Girlfriends would say. So I turned to a good movie, grabbed my comforter and pillow, and enjoyed my free afternoon.
Moreover, when God gives any man wealth and possessions, and enables him to enjoy them, to accept his lot and be happy in his work—this is a gift of God. --Ecclesiastes 5:19
Tuesday, March 10, 2009
Til Death Do Us Part......
Umph. Did I mention that when it rains it pours? Ok, I thought I did. Just when I thought my personal journey was walking its tightrope of life (ok, bear with me…..I’ve been in Wii Fit mode for the last two days---luvs that thing—lololol), I witness something that makes my “issue” seem minute. The funny thing is that in the grand scheme of things…..it is. Umph.
So yesterday I’m sitting at my desk in the groove of my day, jamming to J. Moss on Pandora, thanking God for His mercy and for sustaining my mind another hour, and my colleague hit me with a ton of bricks. She informs me that she’d just received a call that another one of our colleague’s---who works on a different floor---husband was killed in an accident on Sunday. My jaw dropped and my mouth was stuck opened. The three of us just hosted a retirement celebration together a couple of months ago and my colleague was telling us how she’s so glad that she has boys cause her husband knows how to handle them and their teenage boy issues. I remember her saying……. “I told my son....I don’t want to know [that], go tell your father!” We cracked up at the things she was sharing about her boys……and her husband. She was just so grateful and proud of her family. And now he’s gone. And she’s left with two teenage boys to raise alone. Umph.
This morning I called my colleague’s best girlfriend, who is also one of my good girlfriends, to check on her. She informed me that she has never cried so hard in all her life. Even my girlfriend, who went through a bitter divorce as well as loss her mother, said she's never cried so much in the last day. She said that her heart is so heavy for her friend. She said that when she arrived at the hospital, my colleague literally collapsed on the floor. That’s how things are going for my colleague, which is to be expected. So my prayers, LITERALLY, are going out for my colleague and her boys. And their loved ones. And for my girlfriend.
But can I be raw today. Thanks. Cause these foolish talks and comments about the situation are pissing me off. If I hear another person say that my colleague should be mad at God, or that if it happened to them they would be mad at God, I'm gonna scream! FOR WHAT???? I guess I should consider the source, but folk better understand that our lives are driven by our choices. PERIOD. God doesn’t interfere with our choices. He gives us the choice of life or death and tells us what to choose. He actually gives us the answer to choose LIFE. But He doesn’t choose it for us. That’s up to us. So unfortunately, we have to live with the consequences of our decisions. The Bible says: For the wages of sin is death; but the gift of God is ETERNAL life through Jesus Christ our Lord. –Romans 6:23
In saying that, when we start looking pass going to Sunday church service for a quick fix just to get through the week, and look to eternal life, then we can start thanking God for things we don't understand instead of cursing Him. I’m soooo glad that through this tragic, it seems like my colleague hasn’t loss faith in God. Just hearing about her support circle, from her close friends to her husband’s close friends, to family and a host of other relatives and loved ones who have been at her side since she received the call……now that’s God.
This just brings me to another point. I was watching an extremely well-known, “word-teaching” tele-evangelist the other day and was utterly shocked at what I heard him say. He said, verbatim…… “forget about heaven, we need to learn how to live on earth now”. I was stunned. I couldn’t believe he said that. And fortunately/unfortunately that’s been his message for years. I say fortunately/unfortunately because fortunately I do believe that many folk have given their life to Christ under his ministry, but unfortunately because a lot of us are not getting the entire message. Living on earth is only half the story, and not the most important part. Eternal life should be our focus, not being successful on earth guising it under “ministry”. Until we can stop being caught up in our “destiny”, only then will we understand and accept the DESTINATION.
In my heart of hearts, I truly believe that this popular tele-evangelist was called to lead God’s people while on earth—a Moses if you will, but somewhere I believe the purity of the message got tainted which led a huge paradigm shift in the Christian movement. Today, there are countless ministries that are focusing on earthly success and building earthly kingdoms, but very few are teaching on eternal life. So unfortunately, when things like death happens……folk, the ungodly, and some who call themselves Christians, don’t understand.
Now don’t get it twisted, I understand and DO NOT underestimate the affects of a loved one dying. Cause it hurts in every imaginable way. I’ve had my share. From my great grandparents who raised me dying at home with us, to my father dying suddenly on Fourth of July, to my maternal grandmother dying suddenly at 64 years-old of a heart attack with my sisters in the bed with her, to my 37 year-old uncle dropping dead in the house while I was visiting on school break, and just recently—2006—my 5 year-old niece dying suddenly. Those are just the few that occurred that interrupted my life. But trust when I tell you that the list goes on and on from aunt and uncles and cousins, to siblings and parents of my best girlfriends/guy friends. But what comforts and sustains us is that we know we will see our loved ones again. Cause that’s what we believe. And that’s what they believed. That’s Christianity.
Even still, though the emotional and mental pain still linger and probably will never fully heal, not once did I or do I blame God. And God forbid if my husband died, I’m sure I would hurt---more than I want to imagine---but I can guarantee……AND I VOW TO THE LORD…….I will never curse or blame Him. You gotta be real bold to even say some foolishness like that. Again, I gotta consider the source. It just goes to show how many folk who claim to be Christians TRULY believe in Christ. Cause if they did, they’d use their mouth to spread the Gospel, instead of focusing just on self.
I denounce unto you this day, that ye shall surely perish, and that ye shall not prolong your days upon the land, whither thou passest over Jordan to go to possess it. I call heaven and earth to record this day against you, that I have set before you life and death, blessing and cursing: therefore choose life, that both thou and thy seed may live: That thou mayest love the LORD thy God, and that thou mayest obey his voice, and that thou mayest cleave unto him: for he is thy life, and the length of thy days: that thou mayest dwell in the land which the LORD sware unto thy fathers, to Abraham, to Isaac, and to Jacob, to give them. --Deuteronomy 30:18-20
So yesterday I’m sitting at my desk in the groove of my day, jamming to J. Moss on Pandora, thanking God for His mercy and for sustaining my mind another hour, and my colleague hit me with a ton of bricks. She informs me that she’d just received a call that another one of our colleague’s---who works on a different floor---husband was killed in an accident on Sunday. My jaw dropped and my mouth was stuck opened. The three of us just hosted a retirement celebration together a couple of months ago and my colleague was telling us how she’s so glad that she has boys cause her husband knows how to handle them and their teenage boy issues. I remember her saying……. “I told my son....I don’t want to know [that], go tell your father!” We cracked up at the things she was sharing about her boys……and her husband. She was just so grateful and proud of her family. And now he’s gone. And she’s left with two teenage boys to raise alone. Umph.
This morning I called my colleague’s best girlfriend, who is also one of my good girlfriends, to check on her. She informed me that she has never cried so hard in all her life. Even my girlfriend, who went through a bitter divorce as well as loss her mother, said she's never cried so much in the last day. She said that her heart is so heavy for her friend. She said that when she arrived at the hospital, my colleague literally collapsed on the floor. That’s how things are going for my colleague, which is to be expected. So my prayers, LITERALLY, are going out for my colleague and her boys. And their loved ones. And for my girlfriend.
But can I be raw today. Thanks. Cause these foolish talks and comments about the situation are pissing me off. If I hear another person say that my colleague should be mad at God, or that if it happened to them they would be mad at God, I'm gonna scream! FOR WHAT???? I guess I should consider the source, but folk better understand that our lives are driven by our choices. PERIOD. God doesn’t interfere with our choices. He gives us the choice of life or death and tells us what to choose. He actually gives us the answer to choose LIFE. But He doesn’t choose it for us. That’s up to us. So unfortunately, we have to live with the consequences of our decisions. The Bible says: For the wages of sin is death; but the gift of God is ETERNAL life through Jesus Christ our Lord. –Romans 6:23
In saying that, when we start looking pass going to Sunday church service for a quick fix just to get through the week, and look to eternal life, then we can start thanking God for things we don't understand instead of cursing Him. I’m soooo glad that through this tragic, it seems like my colleague hasn’t loss faith in God. Just hearing about her support circle, from her close friends to her husband’s close friends, to family and a host of other relatives and loved ones who have been at her side since she received the call……now that’s God.
This just brings me to another point. I was watching an extremely well-known, “word-teaching” tele-evangelist the other day and was utterly shocked at what I heard him say. He said, verbatim…… “forget about heaven, we need to learn how to live on earth now”. I was stunned. I couldn’t believe he said that. And fortunately/unfortunately that’s been his message for years. I say fortunately/unfortunately because fortunately I do believe that many folk have given their life to Christ under his ministry, but unfortunately because a lot of us are not getting the entire message. Living on earth is only half the story, and not the most important part. Eternal life should be our focus, not being successful on earth guising it under “ministry”. Until we can stop being caught up in our “destiny”, only then will we understand and accept the DESTINATION.
In my heart of hearts, I truly believe that this popular tele-evangelist was called to lead God’s people while on earth—a Moses if you will, but somewhere I believe the purity of the message got tainted which led a huge paradigm shift in the Christian movement. Today, there are countless ministries that are focusing on earthly success and building earthly kingdoms, but very few are teaching on eternal life. So unfortunately, when things like death happens……folk, the ungodly, and some who call themselves Christians, don’t understand.
Now don’t get it twisted, I understand and DO NOT underestimate the affects of a loved one dying. Cause it hurts in every imaginable way. I’ve had my share. From my great grandparents who raised me dying at home with us, to my father dying suddenly on Fourth of July, to my maternal grandmother dying suddenly at 64 years-old of a heart attack with my sisters in the bed with her, to my 37 year-old uncle dropping dead in the house while I was visiting on school break, and just recently—2006—my 5 year-old niece dying suddenly. Those are just the few that occurred that interrupted my life. But trust when I tell you that the list goes on and on from aunt and uncles and cousins, to siblings and parents of my best girlfriends/guy friends. But what comforts and sustains us is that we know we will see our loved ones again. Cause that’s what we believe. And that’s what they believed. That’s Christianity.
Even still, though the emotional and mental pain still linger and probably will never fully heal, not once did I or do I blame God. And God forbid if my husband died, I’m sure I would hurt---more than I want to imagine---but I can guarantee……AND I VOW TO THE LORD…….I will never curse or blame Him. You gotta be real bold to even say some foolishness like that. Again, I gotta consider the source. It just goes to show how many folk who claim to be Christians TRULY believe in Christ. Cause if they did, they’d use their mouth to spread the Gospel, instead of focusing just on self.
I denounce unto you this day, that ye shall surely perish, and that ye shall not prolong your days upon the land, whither thou passest over Jordan to go to possess it. I call heaven and earth to record this day against you, that I have set before you life and death, blessing and cursing: therefore choose life, that both thou and thy seed may live: That thou mayest love the LORD thy God, and that thou mayest obey his voice, and that thou mayest cleave unto him: for he is thy life, and the length of thy days: that thou mayest dwell in the land which the LORD sware unto thy fathers, to Abraham, to Isaac, and to Jacob, to give them. --Deuteronomy 30:18-20
Monday, March 9, 2009
Duty Calls
I’m startled by this weather!!! But I ain’t complaining. Last week this time I was in the bed watching the news and wondering when the snow would stop. This morning a completely different story. I had to find something cool to put on. Soon I’ll be taking out the sandals. Umph. Can’t wait.
Jury duty was the last thing I wanted to do last week. Especially on a Friday. I’d gotten the summons months ago, and thanks to my Blackberry I was reminded at the most inopportune time. Didn’t really want to do it, but I didn’t want to be at the office either. So I gladly informed my boss that I’d be out on Friday and relieved that I had some time outside of the norm. Weirdly, I wasn’t due to appear for duty until 1:00p, so I had all morning to get myself together. Seriously, I’ve been operating solely on Holy Ghost power. My mental, physical, and emotional strength has been short circuited the last few days.
Ok, so aside from my 24 year-old Godbrother dying suddenly last Sunday from complications of the flu, yes the FLU, I’ve been dealing with some other personal devastating news. Yes, yes when it rains it pours. But you know the routine…….I ain’t telling much here, but I do feel the need to release in the form of writing. It’s my therapy---to some degree. At least mentally. And though I can’t just bleed all over blogspot, I’ll just say this….my heart hurts.
So I woke up Friday morning answering several phone calls from my sistah circle. My sisters (naturally and spiritually) in which I trust with my most personal feelings. Every one of them had something to say about my “situation”. Their reaction. Their theory. Their insight. Their solution. Their advice. And so I listened. Took it all in stride. And valued their points of view. The last call came from one of my girlfriends. She was a little bothered after I had given her the full story. I had actually started telling her on Thursday, but didn’t finish. So we resumed just before I was to get dressed for jury duty. Her advice and reaction was common. As if I was totally destroyed and trying to find that one hole that contained the kryptonite that would make me SUPERWOMAN. It was a typical response and as I listened, I refused to accept all she was saying. So I had to stop her. I told her to not get it twisted. I had to let her know---and some of the others---that though the situation is devastating to the flesh, I’m okay cause I have Christ living on the inside of me. And that’s not rhetorical talk, that’s REAL. I have and will continue to stay in God’s will and so whatever journey the Lord takes me down to get me to the place in which He wants me…….then hey I’m in it to win it. At all costs. When I made a commitment to Christ it wasn’t conditional. I give Him ALL of me for HIS glory for I know anything outside of His will will take me out. Talk about being destroyed.
Basically, I had to explain to my girlfriend that had this happened five years ago or even two years ago I probably would have lost it all---including my life. But because my life is now functioning properly by putting God first, then He is my shield. There is nothing or nobody that can come in between my relationship with Christ and so I conduct my life with folk having to go through God to get to me. Period. My family accepts this. As well as my girlfriends and guy friends. I’m not settling and I will not compromise my relationship with God to fulfill fleshy desires or to please people.
In saying this…..from day ONE I sought God concerning the situation. Not one time did I give up, nor give in. And not one time did I close the door to God’s will being done. And so while the fleshly man hurts, the God in me, my Spirit man, is dancing with joy. Cause I remained obedient to God. And so while my girlfriend was trying to pull the……“now you shoulds”, I stopped her and told her, no I shouldn’t. Cause I DID already. I DID stay faithful to GOD and that’s all I was required to do, and all that I will continue to do. From being faithful to God over the last two years I’m learning how to love, be patient, endure, and understand and accept the voice of God. Surprisingly, I said this to her in the calmest tone. I guess I’m just physically tired. But the peace of God was sooo evident in my conversation with my girlfriend. It surprised her, and even me, cause I assume she was expecting me to be boiling over.
After I hung up with my girlfriend, I got dressed. But just when I was about to walk out the door she called me back. I was surprised to hear what she said. She told me that from our conversation she realized that she had been very shallow in her walk with the Lord and that she knows now she has to go deeper. She said she wants that assurance and confidence in God that if she has to walk alone she’ll be okay. She said she had been blessed by hearing me talk about the joy of the Lord in such a trying time. I just smiled. When we hung up the Holy Spirit spoke to me and said that if this “devastating” journey was just to get that one girlfriend to a deeper relationship with the Lord….then God’s Will was done. And I ain’t saying that it feels good or that I’d want this pain again, but the thought of that girlfriend going deeper with God---as brilliant as she is---then it was well worth it.
Even still. Though I know the Lord is getting the glory regardless with all that is happening, my mind was on overdrive as I drove to the Montgomery County court house for duty. The fleshly man was trying hard to be detective, doctor, fighter, and little girl. At one point I wanted to pull over and curl up in a fetal position. At another, cuss somebody out. But it wasn’t happening. Cause all those falsities were contradicting each other and trying to run havoc on my emotional well-being. So I turned up the volume on the radio and just started praising God. I refused to get caught up in the mental bondage.
After I pulled up to the court house and parked, I pulled out the summons to read the rest of the directions. I was confused and baffled trying to understand what the darn paper was saying. The summons said….CROSS OVER JEFFERSON STREET, STAYING ON MONROE. PROCEED ON MONROE TO THE SECOND HI-RISE BUILDING ON THE LEFT. But from where I was standing there was no second hi-rise building on Monroe next to the first hi-rise. What I saw was a tall hi-rise building on Jefferson, and the first one on Jefferson and Monroe as the paper read. But that was it. No more other hi-rise buildings. So I stood there having an argument with the summons. Then the Holy Spirit said…..Jill, just start walking up Monroe just like the summons instructed. Just be obedient. And so I proceeded, walking up the hill in my heels. As I was walking, the picture was becoming clearer and clearer. The hi-rise that appeared to be on Jefferson was actually the back side of the building. The front entrance was…..on Monroe next to the first one, as instructed. Without hesitation, I looked up to heaven and said……I gotcha Lord.
My son, forget not my law; but let thine heart keep my commandments: for length of days, and long life, and peace, shall they add to thee. Let not mercy and truth forsake thee: bind them about thy neck; write them upon the table of thine heart: so shalt thou find favour and good understanding in the sight of God and man. Trust in the LORD with all thine heart; and lean not unto thine own understanding. In all thy ways acknowledge him, and he shall direct thy paths. --Proverbs 3:1-6
Jury duty was the last thing I wanted to do last week. Especially on a Friday. I’d gotten the summons months ago, and thanks to my Blackberry I was reminded at the most inopportune time. Didn’t really want to do it, but I didn’t want to be at the office either. So I gladly informed my boss that I’d be out on Friday and relieved that I had some time outside of the norm. Weirdly, I wasn’t due to appear for duty until 1:00p, so I had all morning to get myself together. Seriously, I’ve been operating solely on Holy Ghost power. My mental, physical, and emotional strength has been short circuited the last few days.
Ok, so aside from my 24 year-old Godbrother dying suddenly last Sunday from complications of the flu, yes the FLU, I’ve been dealing with some other personal devastating news. Yes, yes when it rains it pours. But you know the routine…….I ain’t telling much here, but I do feel the need to release in the form of writing. It’s my therapy---to some degree. At least mentally. And though I can’t just bleed all over blogspot, I’ll just say this….my heart hurts.
So I woke up Friday morning answering several phone calls from my sistah circle. My sisters (naturally and spiritually) in which I trust with my most personal feelings. Every one of them had something to say about my “situation”. Their reaction. Their theory. Their insight. Their solution. Their advice. And so I listened. Took it all in stride. And valued their points of view. The last call came from one of my girlfriends. She was a little bothered after I had given her the full story. I had actually started telling her on Thursday, but didn’t finish. So we resumed just before I was to get dressed for jury duty. Her advice and reaction was common. As if I was totally destroyed and trying to find that one hole that contained the kryptonite that would make me SUPERWOMAN. It was a typical response and as I listened, I refused to accept all she was saying. So I had to stop her. I told her to not get it twisted. I had to let her know---and some of the others---that though the situation is devastating to the flesh, I’m okay cause I have Christ living on the inside of me. And that’s not rhetorical talk, that’s REAL. I have and will continue to stay in God’s will and so whatever journey the Lord takes me down to get me to the place in which He wants me…….then hey I’m in it to win it. At all costs. When I made a commitment to Christ it wasn’t conditional. I give Him ALL of me for HIS glory for I know anything outside of His will will take me out. Talk about being destroyed.
Basically, I had to explain to my girlfriend that had this happened five years ago or even two years ago I probably would have lost it all---including my life. But because my life is now functioning properly by putting God first, then He is my shield. There is nothing or nobody that can come in between my relationship with Christ and so I conduct my life with folk having to go through God to get to me. Period. My family accepts this. As well as my girlfriends and guy friends. I’m not settling and I will not compromise my relationship with God to fulfill fleshy desires or to please people.
In saying this…..from day ONE I sought God concerning the situation. Not one time did I give up, nor give in. And not one time did I close the door to God’s will being done. And so while the fleshly man hurts, the God in me, my Spirit man, is dancing with joy. Cause I remained obedient to God. And so while my girlfriend was trying to pull the……“now you shoulds”, I stopped her and told her, no I shouldn’t. Cause I DID already. I DID stay faithful to GOD and that’s all I was required to do, and all that I will continue to do. From being faithful to God over the last two years I’m learning how to love, be patient, endure, and understand and accept the voice of God. Surprisingly, I said this to her in the calmest tone. I guess I’m just physically tired. But the peace of God was sooo evident in my conversation with my girlfriend. It surprised her, and even me, cause I assume she was expecting me to be boiling over.
After I hung up with my girlfriend, I got dressed. But just when I was about to walk out the door she called me back. I was surprised to hear what she said. She told me that from our conversation she realized that she had been very shallow in her walk with the Lord and that she knows now she has to go deeper. She said she wants that assurance and confidence in God that if she has to walk alone she’ll be okay. She said she had been blessed by hearing me talk about the joy of the Lord in such a trying time. I just smiled. When we hung up the Holy Spirit spoke to me and said that if this “devastating” journey was just to get that one girlfriend to a deeper relationship with the Lord….then God’s Will was done. And I ain’t saying that it feels good or that I’d want this pain again, but the thought of that girlfriend going deeper with God---as brilliant as she is---then it was well worth it.
Even still. Though I know the Lord is getting the glory regardless with all that is happening, my mind was on overdrive as I drove to the Montgomery County court house for duty. The fleshly man was trying hard to be detective, doctor, fighter, and little girl. At one point I wanted to pull over and curl up in a fetal position. At another, cuss somebody out. But it wasn’t happening. Cause all those falsities were contradicting each other and trying to run havoc on my emotional well-being. So I turned up the volume on the radio and just started praising God. I refused to get caught up in the mental bondage.
After I pulled up to the court house and parked, I pulled out the summons to read the rest of the directions. I was confused and baffled trying to understand what the darn paper was saying. The summons said….CROSS OVER JEFFERSON STREET, STAYING ON MONROE. PROCEED ON MONROE TO THE SECOND HI-RISE BUILDING ON THE LEFT. But from where I was standing there was no second hi-rise building on Monroe next to the first hi-rise. What I saw was a tall hi-rise building on Jefferson, and the first one on Jefferson and Monroe as the paper read. But that was it. No more other hi-rise buildings. So I stood there having an argument with the summons. Then the Holy Spirit said…..Jill, just start walking up Monroe just like the summons instructed. Just be obedient. And so I proceeded, walking up the hill in my heels. As I was walking, the picture was becoming clearer and clearer. The hi-rise that appeared to be on Jefferson was actually the back side of the building. The front entrance was…..on Monroe next to the first one, as instructed. Without hesitation, I looked up to heaven and said……I gotcha Lord.
My son, forget not my law; but let thine heart keep my commandments: for length of days, and long life, and peace, shall they add to thee. Let not mercy and truth forsake thee: bind them about thy neck; write them upon the table of thine heart: so shalt thou find favour and good understanding in the sight of God and man. Trust in the LORD with all thine heart; and lean not unto thine own understanding. In all thy ways acknowledge him, and he shall direct thy paths. --Proverbs 3:1-6
Wednesday, March 4, 2009
The Promise
On top of all the things that’s clouded my mind the last few days, yesterday I got a very heart-wrenching discovery. I couldn’t wait to get home to my comforting zone. Don’t know how I got home since my body was numb.
Last night I lay still not knowing whether to cry or say thanks. So I did both. Then I thought about an old song by Ricky Dillard called The Promise that got me through the nineties. And so I went to my phone’s music store and downloaded it. I love Gospel/inspirational music, but there’s something about a song that’s taken directly from God’s word. As I listened, I thought about how the Lord got me through many hard times. Then I fell asleep. Peacefully.
Peace I give to you
My peace I leave with you
That’s the promise that I made
Be not weary or afraid
Though you’re troubled on every side
Look…..you’re not distressed
Perplexed, but not in despair
I said I'll never leave you
You’re persecuted, but not forsaken
Cast down, but not destroyed
That’s the promise that I made
When I said it, I didn’t hesitate
Oh what a promise, oh what a promise
That I made unto you
We are troubled on every side, yet not distressed; we are perplexed, but not in despair; persecuted, but not forsaken; cast down, but not destroyed…………….. knowing that he which raised up the Lord Jesus shall raise up us also by Jesus……………. for which cause we faint not; but though our outward man perish, yet the inward man is renewed day by day…………… for our light affliction, which is but for a moment, worketh for us a far more exceeding and eternal weight of glory; while we look not at the things which are seen, but at the things which are not seen: for the things which are seen are temporal; but the things which are not seen are eternal. ---2 Corinthians 4
Last night I lay still not knowing whether to cry or say thanks. So I did both. Then I thought about an old song by Ricky Dillard called The Promise that got me through the nineties. And so I went to my phone’s music store and downloaded it. I love Gospel/inspirational music, but there’s something about a song that’s taken directly from God’s word. As I listened, I thought about how the Lord got me through many hard times. Then I fell asleep. Peacefully.
Peace I give to you
My peace I leave with you
That’s the promise that I made
Be not weary or afraid
Though you’re troubled on every side
Look…..you’re not distressed
Perplexed, but not in despair
I said I'll never leave you
You’re persecuted, but not forsaken
Cast down, but not destroyed
That’s the promise that I made
When I said it, I didn’t hesitate
Oh what a promise, oh what a promise
That I made unto you
We are troubled on every side, yet not distressed; we are perplexed, but not in despair; persecuted, but not forsaken; cast down, but not destroyed…………….. knowing that he which raised up the Lord Jesus shall raise up us also by Jesus……………. for which cause we faint not; but though our outward man perish, yet the inward man is renewed day by day…………… for our light affliction, which is but for a moment, worketh for us a far more exceeding and eternal weight of glory; while we look not at the things which are seen, but at the things which are not seen: for the things which are seen are temporal; but the things which are not seen are eternal. ---2 Corinthians 4
Tuesday, March 3, 2009
Not in the Week's Plan
Ugh!! Talk about an icky mood. Just figured out that perhaps I don’t suffer from Monday blues, but “first day back to work” blues. In any case, I’m here pushing and would rather be here than home moping.
Boy, where do I start. My weekend started off wonderful. My granddad’s birthday celebration was on Friday at my sister’s house and we had a ball. It was 3:00am when everybody started pulling out. I ended up staying at my sister’s since we had to do Strike Force on Saturday. Ain’t no since in trekking all the way up to da’Burg. So I grabbed a comforter and pillow, and crashed on the floor.
Saturday evening I was worn out. When I’d gotten home I called my mother just to check in. She was still entertaining out-of-town guests so she didn’t attend Strike Force with us. But she told me that our Godbrother, Joe Joe, wasn’t feeling well, had the flu. His grandmother had called the house for somebody to come around to pray for him. Of course my step-father went rushing over. The good Elder. Anything for the Holmes. They’ve been so good to us over the years. Especially Mama Holmes being my youngest sister’s Godmother. My mother had told me that their entire household had had the flu, but Joe Joe’s seemingly got worse. I thought about a few days prior when I made myself purchase a $15 bottle of Vitamin C. I take them faithfully. And notice a difference even with my sinuses.
On Sunday, I was utterly exhausted. But I had errands to run and things to do. So I pulled myself out the bed at around 10am, washed and set my hair, went to the grocery store, cooked dinner, and straightened up the house. At about 3pm-ish, after hearing the breaking news that we were getting hit with a snow storm, I slowed down. Cause for me that means……..I ain’t going to work so no need to prepare. No, no, no…….don’t do the ice/snow outdoors. So I slowed down, laid across my bed and took a nap.
At about 4:30pm, my phone was ringing off the hook. I looked at the caller ID and it was my mother. When I answered I was hit with…………….JILL, JOE JOE DIED!!!!! I thought I was dreaming. I’m like WHAT????? My mother was screaming and hollering at the top of her lungs. It just didn’t make sense. To nobody. How can a healthy, 24 year-old in the prime of his life just all of a sudden die!!!!!! It’s my understanding that he refused to go to the hospital. Didn’t want to. And nobody could make him go. When things got as bad as they could, Mama Holmes called an ambulance. Joe Joe died before they reached PG Hospital.
By 6pm-ish, the hospital was flooded with family and friends. I didn’t go. A little too far for me to travel. But bad enough I have to go to his funeral. Man, that don’t even sound right. I can only imagine how that will be. Just hearing my family in tripping-out mode is enough for me. But they all went to the hospital and cried around his bed. They said grown men were standing over him crying. Then they packed him up and sent him out to Baltimore---the coroner’s office.
My younger sisters are maintaining----in lala mode. They’re totally confused. One sister, the youngest, we're trying to get home from school in Charlotte, NC. Not a good idea for her to drive. When I called to check in on her she couldn't stop crying. And the other one was just with Joe Joe on Tuesday and he told her that his body was so tired and weak. Could that had been the clue for her to suggest seeing a doctor. Who knows. No blame game here. Perhaps it could have been prevented, but to me…….I think he got a glimpse of heaven and didn’t want to come back. Especially after we’re told that he put everybody out of his room on Saturday night and told them he had to pray. Joe Joe not only knew the Lord, but the Lord knew him. They had a relationship. And it was evident in his walk. That’s how he was raised.
Sometimes I believe that the Lord allows things to happen to wake us up. We cannot continue to take our lives for granted. Sweating the small stuff.........not no more. It ain't worth it. Cause one day we're here and the next we're gone.
Umph. Just when you think you got things planned and figured out…….a funeral trumps it all. Umph. Who’da thought.
Boy, where do I start. My weekend started off wonderful. My granddad’s birthday celebration was on Friday at my sister’s house and we had a ball. It was 3:00am when everybody started pulling out. I ended up staying at my sister’s since we had to do Strike Force on Saturday. Ain’t no since in trekking all the way up to da’Burg. So I grabbed a comforter and pillow, and crashed on the floor.
Saturday evening I was worn out. When I’d gotten home I called my mother just to check in. She was still entertaining out-of-town guests so she didn’t attend Strike Force with us. But she told me that our Godbrother, Joe Joe, wasn’t feeling well, had the flu. His grandmother had called the house for somebody to come around to pray for him. Of course my step-father went rushing over. The good Elder. Anything for the Holmes. They’ve been so good to us over the years. Especially Mama Holmes being my youngest sister’s Godmother. My mother had told me that their entire household had had the flu, but Joe Joe’s seemingly got worse. I thought about a few days prior when I made myself purchase a $15 bottle of Vitamin C. I take them faithfully. And notice a difference even with my sinuses.
On Sunday, I was utterly exhausted. But I had errands to run and things to do. So I pulled myself out the bed at around 10am, washed and set my hair, went to the grocery store, cooked dinner, and straightened up the house. At about 3pm-ish, after hearing the breaking news that we were getting hit with a snow storm, I slowed down. Cause for me that means……..I ain’t going to work so no need to prepare. No, no, no…….don’t do the ice/snow outdoors. So I slowed down, laid across my bed and took a nap.
At about 4:30pm, my phone was ringing off the hook. I looked at the caller ID and it was my mother. When I answered I was hit with…………….JILL, JOE JOE DIED!!!!! I thought I was dreaming. I’m like WHAT????? My mother was screaming and hollering at the top of her lungs. It just didn’t make sense. To nobody. How can a healthy, 24 year-old in the prime of his life just all of a sudden die!!!!!! It’s my understanding that he refused to go to the hospital. Didn’t want to. And nobody could make him go. When things got as bad as they could, Mama Holmes called an ambulance. Joe Joe died before they reached PG Hospital.
By 6pm-ish, the hospital was flooded with family and friends. I didn’t go. A little too far for me to travel. But bad enough I have to go to his funeral. Man, that don’t even sound right. I can only imagine how that will be. Just hearing my family in tripping-out mode is enough for me. But they all went to the hospital and cried around his bed. They said grown men were standing over him crying. Then they packed him up and sent him out to Baltimore---the coroner’s office.
My younger sisters are maintaining----in lala mode. They’re totally confused. One sister, the youngest, we're trying to get home from school in Charlotte, NC. Not a good idea for her to drive. When I called to check in on her she couldn't stop crying. And the other one was just with Joe Joe on Tuesday and he told her that his body was so tired and weak. Could that had been the clue for her to suggest seeing a doctor. Who knows. No blame game here. Perhaps it could have been prevented, but to me…….I think he got a glimpse of heaven and didn’t want to come back. Especially after we’re told that he put everybody out of his room on Saturday night and told them he had to pray. Joe Joe not only knew the Lord, but the Lord knew him. They had a relationship. And it was evident in his walk. That’s how he was raised.
Sometimes I believe that the Lord allows things to happen to wake us up. We cannot continue to take our lives for granted. Sweating the small stuff.........not no more. It ain't worth it. Cause one day we're here and the next we're gone.
Umph. Just when you think you got things planned and figured out…….a funeral trumps it all. Umph. Who’da thought.
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