Green Thumb

Lately, I’ve been in this really green thumb mood. Gotta be honest though….my thumb is more to the darker green side than the vibrant, plant green side—lol. Over the weekend, I did something that I never do……repotted my two little plants. Wait, actually I repotted one plant and bought another one and just changed the pot. I’ve never been really into plants. I’d pick fresh flowers any day over plants. But I have this Peace Lily that I’ve been raising over the last few years and it’s growing like wild flowers so, not knowing that much about plants, the least I know is when a plant needs more space to grow.

Spiritually, I’ve been studying the seed over the last few months. The revelation the Lord has given me concerning the seed---that is…the real seed, not money (lol)---is so amazing. Almost so that I can’t even break down what I’m learning in this blog and so I’m really praying about publishing it into a book. My first book (smile). We’ll see. To gain a full understanding of the seed in which I, as a human, can grasp requires learning the natural, as well as the spiritual process. And so I’ve been really getting into botany and biology to understand the natural growth process. Then I refer to the Word to gain a Spiritual understanding. It’s really deep. Especially how the seed relates to plants, child birth, and of course…..the Holy Spirit.

Ironically, something amazing happened to me yesterday concerning plants and I could hear the Lord giving me spiritual revelation as it was unfolding. Since I’ve been working here in the Federal government, I’ve gained somewhat of popularity because of…….my office plants (lol). I’d like to think that the work I do speaks volumes, but uhhhh……..lol. Anyway, when I first started working here, which was close to nine years ago, I admired my former boss’ plant. I can’t even tell you what type of plant it was because….I don’t know. And I didn’t care. I just thought it was very beautiful.

In my first week on the job, I gained an office mom. And so she revealed to me that she was the one who took care of my boss’ plants. So one day my office mom was repotting my boss’ plants and she took a piece of the plant and put it in some soil for me. I don’t even remember asking her for a piece. She just surprised me with a cute little orange flower pot (my favorite color) with a piece of the plant in it. That one little plant sat in the same place on my desk for the first five years on the job. And every time somebody would walk pass they would compliment my plant.

In those first five years, I use to joke with my colleagues saying that the plant represented my growth on the job. Cause I went from assisting the Director (while earning my master’s) to managing one of Bush’s infamous initiatives. In addition to that, I’m learning humility and self-control and how to deal with all types of folk and so many other character-building lessons. A real growth process. And so that plant has grown with me. And it just keeps growing and going with me. I changed desks, offices, and floors in the last nine years more than I change my bed sheets--lol. It’s just been constant growth---each situation getting better and better. And so that plant has been with me since the beginning.

Now things are a little different with that one little plant. It’s grown so much that not only is it touching the ceiling---very much a tree---but it has had babies. And grandbabies—lol. I’ve had so many admirers over the years that when my plant got repotted, it would be so large that I’d give pieces of it away. Ok, I didn’t…..my office mom did/does all the work—lol. But she’d ask my permission first before giving my stuff away—lol. As a result of all that growth, I’ve managed to keep the original plant and two of its well-grown and flourishing babies.

But yesterday, a colleague, Marsha, from another office came up and said…….. “Jill I was admiring Tabitha’s plant and she said that it came from your plant.” Ok, again, I don’t maintain my plants so once my office mom repots it could very well be true that a number of folk could get a piece of it. It’s a trickle effect—lol. So I listened to Marsha as she marveled while touching my plants. She was real frank with me. She said…. “Jill I need a piece of your plant.” She said that every time she comes up and passes through my office she "loves on" my plants. Even going as far to say that I have the best plants in the building! I was looking real dumb cause uhhhh, I only water these bad billies when I want to empty my stale drinking water to get a fresh cup--lol. Seriously. So I listened and was really opened to giving her a piece but I had one problem……I’m not the maintainer so I couldn’t give her nothing!!!

So I told Marsha who was really responsible for all of my beautiful plants and so we called my office mom around to my desk. As soon as my office mom got her, I sat back so that they could discuss green life. Their conversation at one point was going way above my head. So I just sat back and listened. Trying to learn a thing or two. But then Marsha told my office mom that all she needed to do was break off a piece of the top and that she’d put it in water. Then my ears perked up. I knew breaking off a piece from the top could very well sustain in water cause I have a colleague who has a piece of my plant on her desk sitting in water. It’s beautiful. And it’s been sitting there looking beautiful for the last several years. And if that’s all Marsha wanted then I was like……let's just break her off a piece.

But then Marsha said……. “I want my plants to look like Jill’s.” And then my office mom chimed in and said……. “Oh, then you would have to get it from the root!!” At this point I was in my chair praising God in my head. I kept saying over and over…….thank you Lord!!! And so my office Mom told Marsha that it wouldn’t be easy cause she would have to take the plant apart. I was all for it. And Marsha was too. She said she was patient. Cause she knew what she wanted. She said……. “ok, whenever I'm just claiming my piece first.” My office mom told her that she’d come in early this morning and do it. I just sat back and listened. I was taking it all in.

Last night as I was spending some time with the Lord He just began revealing this plant thing to me. See, I’m just a willing vessel. I admired the growth I saw someone else had, and so I inquired. And I opened myself up to receive. I did NOTHING but accept the gift by displaying it. Even when I fall short, watering the gift when it’s convenient for me, God is still there. He’s still faithful. Because when I’m not even around, He’s watering and maintaining. The only instructions He gave me is to…….spread the gospel and to love my bretheren. That is to display and share. Show His beauty and share it with others. Be an example and walk upright before men, so that they will want what I was given. We ain't talking bout no conceited, "I'm better than others cause I got what you can't get mess." Not at all. I'm talking about just showing the goodness of God. Cause even when I want to take credit for these beautiful plants……I can’t!! Cause it’s not me doing none of this.

Then the Lord revealed another thing. Marsha could have very well taken the top piece. And she would have gotten it immediately, and went on with her green life. IF it even survives, having the top piece doesn’t require nothing but putting it in water and changing the water when it gets dirty. But the only growth it will have is downward--again that's if it survives. My other colleague’s plant is beautiful on the outside, but the leaves and vines are just sprouted all over her file cabinet, very limp. To many, her plant is perfect because she doesn’t have to spend time replanting and repotting, and getting all messy. But to some of us…..her plant serves no purpose because she can’t share it.

See, now I’m about to preach---lol. But when you know what you are missing and know what you want you are willing to go through whatever process to get long-term results. Soooo many folk take the easy road out maintaining in water! God forbid that beautiful vase spill over….cause not only will the vase break but the little liquid that is maintaining you will be gone too. It’s so temporary. But when you are PLANTED in the soil your growth is upward and you can see life. A quality life.

This morning when I got in I opened my email and there was a message from Marsha. She simply said…… “Jill, thank you so much for the plant.” And I replied with a simple…… “Anytime, enjoy the growth.” When I looked around at all three plants I couldn’t even tell which one had been touched. There was no dirt residue and I couldn’t even tell if there were any leaves missing. Then the Lord spoke to me clearly and said……. “See, it costs you NOTHING to share what I have given you.”

Through Jesus, therefore, let us continually offer to God a sacrifice of praise—the fruit of lips that confess his name. And do not forget to do good and to share with others, for with such sacrifices God is pleased. –Hebrews 13:15-16

“For a good tree does not bear bad fruit, nor does a bad tree bear good fruit. For every tree is known by its own fruit. For men do not gather figs from thorns, nor do they gather grapes from a bramble bush. A good man out of the good treasure of his heart brings forth good; and an evil man out of the evil treasure of his heart brings forth evil. For out of the abundance of the heart his mouth speaks.” –Luke 6:43-45

A Bump on the Log

For the past several weeks, “E” and I have been reminiscing on the childhood we shared. In particular, one of our favorite childhood activities…..crossing the log. Just a couple days ago, “E” revealed that she had been spending some personal time reflecting on the log and how she’s now realizing that it was very symbolic in making and molding us into whom we are today. And so last night, I began thinking really deeply about the log too, and how it was indeed used as a symbolism in our lives.

Me, “T”, “E”, and another tag-a-long friend “K” had to be around 8 years old when we discovered the log. Seriously, it used to be a group of us girls playing together, but to the life of me I only remember the four of us at the log. I’m sure there were lots of times when more than the four of us crossed the log, but it was those light bulb moments when only the four of us were there.

Our apartment complex, as I mentioned in other entries, wasn’t that big. There were 11 garden-style buildings that made up the entire complex. Me, “T”, and “E’s” buildings were connected together in the most popular section referred to as the “court”. The court sat smack dab in the middle of the complex. Behind the complex was a streaming creek that ran from Sheriff Rd. thru George Palmer Hwy and ended somewhere just before Central Avenue. In relating terms…..the creek ran for a good 7-10 miles.

On the other side of the creek was a community of semi-detached homes. Just the other night, me and “E” talked about how we always thought that the neighborhood across the creek was for well-to-do folk. Lawns were nicely manicured and everybody seemed to have a car parked on their side of the driveway. They just seemed to be living. Ironically, “E’s” aunt and uncle had a home over in that neighborhood and often we’d visit because their house always had some type of family function.

But that side of the creek just always seemed to fascinate us. For one, they had the basketball court where all the cute guys hung out. We weren’t into boys back then, we were too young, but there always seemed to be a sense of security being around the basketball court. But another thing we liked was that the candy lady lived in one of the houses. She had sour pickles and all flavored Now Laters. But I guess our favorite reason we liked going to the other side was because they had the best playground. All of their swing sets had swings. And their seesaw wasn’t missing handles. And they had a covered shelter just in case it rained. Many days we’d sit under the shelter and just talked or played hand games (remember……SLIIIDE).

The view from each one of our apartments looked over the creek and into the other side. I remember clearly that one of the best views was at night when the basketball court was fully lit and all the “big boys” would be playing ball. Just having clean fun. The view on the other side was really nice. Day or night. Ok, I ain’t saying that we lived in a dump, but compared to the other side it was quite obvious that those who lived in the apartments were just getting by. I mean, most of our mother’s were single and living on the system, and those who weren’t I’m sure only had temporary plans for being there. But we made the best of what we had. We never got bored. Even on our piece of playground we had lots of fun. But we had something the other side didn’t have…..the pool (might I add that we are all great swimmers today because of that pissy pool—lol). But the pool only gave us fun for a good 3 months out the year. We had to be creative during our playtime. And so that’s when we discovered “the log”.

You know, me and “E” were trying to figure out when we actually discovered the log. I don’t really remember. All I remember is that lightening LITERALLY bolted from the sky, struck a huge tree which caused it to fall across the creek from the other side to our side. One day I guess we were playing house down by the creek as we did often and discovered that the log could get us to the other side.

The way the log was situated couldn’t have been more perfect. The log was located right behind the court. In pre-log days, in order to get to the other side we would have to walk around the long way. That is…..walk down to George Palmer Hwy and cross over the little trail. But the log cut all of that hiking out. All we had to do was walk around behind my building and try our best to walk down the dirt hill without tumbling into the streaming water. Many days we’d all hold hands and walk down together. Cause if one fell, we all fell. The log became the short-cut for EVERYBODY. It became so famous that all of the ballers would just run across it to get to the basketball court.

Then one day. One day. One day.

One day, the four of us wanted to go to the playground on the other side and so we decided to cross the log. But we were too young to walk across like the big boys. So what we did was sat on the log with both our legs hanging on each side of the log and we scooted across. Scooting slowly across became the norm for us. But one day, we were almost across, probably in the middle, and these boys from the other side started messing with us and shook the log while we were on it. I think that was the first group fear that we’d experienced. Wait a minute……no probably the haunted house at McDonalds—lol. But being stuck on that log was a very fearful experience. But we stuck together until the boys left us alone. And we didn’t turn around. We kept scooting to our destination.

But then one day---in which says a lot about my character today---we decided that we wanted to walk across the log. Me and “E” were discussing this the other night. And so I asked her, cause I couldn’t remember--lol, but I asked her who was the first to walk across. And she says…… “Jill, you know it was you!” But then I did remember. I remember when I walked across the log. But right before I had made it across, I fell. I fell off the log and into the muddy water. “E” said that I said I fell cause I saw a monkey---lol. I don’t quite remember that…..but I do remember falling. But I got back up. Actually, I remember walking down the creek until I found an opening to climb to land. And guess what……I wasn’t looking for the opening that led back home. Nope. It was an opening on the other side. But that says so much about my character today. I can make it almost there (in whatever situation), but then fall off. I fall off right before reaching the finish line. But I get back up and I try again. This says a lot about me today.

By the time we were 10, we were almost running across that log. I remember distinctly all of us having jelly shoes. I had red ones. I loved those things---lol. But not when it was really hot outside cause those things would soften on your feet like hot wax—lol. But it was understood that if we were crossing the log to get to the other side, we had to change our shoes. We had to put on our tennis shoes. Our Kinney Kapers. Many times our feet slipped off the log causing some very painful situations. But that didn’t stop us. Neither did all of the rodents and reptiles down in that nasty creek. I can’t stand the outdoors now-lol. That’s one thing that me and [my friend] have both determined…..we’re not campers and we do not do the great outdoors--lol. But back then it didn’t bother me. It didn’t bother none of us. It was quite clear wild life was down there in the creek, but we had a mission. And I can’t remember ever turning around without accomplishing our mission.

Before I moved away I remember the log collapsing. No longer was it a bridge, but it had turned into a non-floating raft. You could indeed still walk across, but the challenge was gone. “E” doesn’t really remember the collapsed log, she only remembers the one that served as a bridge. She remembers the log that either you were up for the challenge and took your chances, or you weren’t. And I can almost put my life on it that we were the YOUNGEST FEMALES, if not the only females who took the challenge to cross that creek. We saw a better side with great opportunity and so we took our chances. Together. And even when we fell, ok I fell—lol, we got back up and tried again. But we had vision. We saw what we wanted and we went after it. And not once, and not twice……but we kept crossing it to get what we wanted.

This past weekend, “E’s” family had a cookout at her aunt and uncle’s house who still resides in the same house on “the other side”. Well, her uncle still does. Her aunt passed away a couple years ago. But after spending time with her family, “E” called me and said……. “Guess what I did today???” I was guessing everything but what it really was. I was like…..what, you went to church; what, you called so-and-so. Then finally she said…… “I went looking for the log.” After 30 years, “E” went looking for that darn log--lol. She told me that it is indeed gone. In fact, she said that there is a fence that blocks the apartment residents from crossing into the other side.

After we hung up, I started reminiscing and too thinking about all the life lessons that came out of crossing that log from faith to determination to persistence to preparation to facing our fears to teamwork to friendship to soooo many lessons. Then I thought about how disappointed I felt when “E” told me about the fence. I mean, is it really necessary. C’mon….Seat Pleasant is all one big hood now anyway. What are you really separating!! I mean, seriously—lol. But then I thought again and said to myself…… “oh, we would have climbed that fence.”

……..but this one thing I do, forgetting those things which are behind, and reaching forth unto those things which are before, I press toward the mark for the prize of the high calling of God in Christ Jesus. -- Philippians 3:13-14

With These Hands......

Can I just say that I really hate going to the nail salon. Its just such an inconvenience to me. I really don’t know what the real reason for me not liking to go other than…….I don’t like to go.

So yesterday I forced myself to go and get my nails done cause I needed a fill-in some kinda bad. I’m not one of those acrylic nail girls with the bright colors and designs. Nope. I do a basic sheer neutral, with short-length square shape and rounded on the corners. To the average looker it would seem that I have long nails, but in actuality I have long fingers.

So I sat down with my regular nail technician and he did the usual before getting started….complimented me on my hands. He told me, “Jill you are still champion!!” “You have most beautiful hands out of all customers!!” “Just beautiful”. I smiled. In my head I was like yeah, yeah they probably tell all of their customers this. Then I thought, he probably just remember how well I tip so he’ll tell me anything to get my $25.

After he’d finished, and after I got a pedicure, I went to the back to sit under the nail dryer. A few minutes later a middle-aged Black woman sits across from me. She smiled but didn’t say anything. It was clear that we were both just trying to get dried so we could go on about our real duties. But just as we were both squirming in our seats, the nail technician came to the back and told the lady……. “This is Jill.” “This is the lady I always talk about hands.” I looked up like….huh. Then the lady perks up and says….. “Oh…so you’re Jill!!!” When the technician left the lady told me that all the technicians talk about my hands all the time. I was like “Shut-up!!” I couldn’t believe it. Cause to be honest I didn’t even know they knew my name. And out of all their many customers they remember my name and my hands. Wow. Here I thought dude was just trying to patronize me.

Over the years, I’ve heard it more than enough times that I should be a hand model. I have a girlfriend that tells me I’m missing my calling and that I should contact a modeling agency before I get any older. It goes in one ear and out the other. Granted, I’m not blind. I do realize that I have beautiful hands, but to be honest…..I’m not that vain. I mean, the Lord has blessed me with several standout features but I’m quite sure that what He blessed me with is for specific purposes to glorify Him and not for public display.

That reminds me of one time at my old church the congregation was standing and lifting our hands in corporate prayer and this lady sitting behind me tapped me on the shoulder and asked what color nail polish I had on. YES WHILE WE WERE PRAYING!!! I couldn’t believe it. It is for that very reason that I stopped wearing colored nail polish to church. And we ain’t even gonna talk about on the toes. If I must wear open toe shoes to church…..in which I try my absolute best not to….I most definitely am going with a neutral on the toes. I NEVER wear red polish on my toes anyway (a childhood issue that I won’t bring up in this entry), but I love the way orange shades look on my feet.

My family was brought up in a church where no open toe shoes were allowed and we had to wear stockings. If it was the summer and the temperature was hitting 100 degrees…then we wore knee-hi’s. But we had to cover our legs and we had to cover our feet. Though very old school traditions, those are traditions that I still hold firm to today. Me and my girlfriend had a conversation the other day because she asked if I wore sandals to work and I said….absolutely not. Nothing against anybody else, other than I can’t stand to see women wearing flip flops to the office, but for me…..I just don’t feel comfortable doing it. I mean, I gotta admit…..I don’t do the stockings thing. I even made it clear that I will be a bride that will not be wearing stockings on my wedding day and yes…..I do plan on getting married in the church. But its just something about stockings that do not agree with my legs. As soon as I put them on I get a run. So its best that me and stockings stay at a decent distance from on another--lol.

But I try my best to wear my feet covered--that is not wearing open toe shoes in certain places. Don't get me wrong...I'm a sandal wearer and LOVE to wear my feet out. But it’s just been over the last two years or so that I have worn open toe shoes to church. And its more that I feel a little comfortable wearing them because I see my first lady wearing them. But I keep it more reserved and not......bam, look at my feet!!! I’m understanding more and more that hands and feet can be very seductive and so I am very mindful of how I carry both.

Back to my hands. You know its just been in the last few months or so that I realize that my ministry is in my hands. Blogging does no justice at how I use my hands. Ok, I take that back cause obviously my little journaling is doing something cause the email replies that I’m getting are amazing. Just to think……I’m only talking about my little daily living. But other than blogging, I can write a mean proposal, design beautiful programs and booklets, and those who are fortunate enough to get my personal letters know that I can pull a tear or two out a reader. But I’m accepting that the Lord has put a powerful gift in my hands. And so I am being very conscious of how I use my hands.

You know what’s funny? Every now and again when the devil is mad at me cause he sees something good coming down the pike for me I find myself hurting my hands. It could be the most haphazard situation. For instance, I have a sore on the top of my hand that happened about a month ago. I was coming out of the elevator and tried to prevent the doors from closing cause someone was trying to catch it and my right hand got scratched. I had no idea that two weeks after I got the scratch my pastor would ask me to put together a proposal for him.

My eyes are opened now. Really opened. Cause I think of all the lustful things I’ve done with my hands---just being honest here---and how the devil just tried to destroy the tool in which the Lord put power in. Even going as far as to convince me that my hands should be displayed on a picture having no real use. My pastor was right. At the beginning of the year he told me that this year things will begin to be so much clearer for me. And I’m seeing clearer more and more every day.

Make it your ambition to lead a quiet life, to mind your own business and to work with your hands, just as we told you, so that your daily life may win the respect of outsiders and so that you will not be dependent on anybody. --1 Thessalonians 4:10-12

From the fruit of his lips a man is filled with good things as surely as the work of his hands rewards him. --Proverbs 12:14

Parked in Neutral

Wow. Wasn’t gonna speak about this topic because it is a very touchy one and one that is very personal. But over the last week I have been a part of several situations in which this topic has presented itself. It’s the topic of TRIANGULATION. You know…….when three people are involved in a situation and two of the people are at odds, and the third is left to flow whichever way the wind blows. Ok, let me clarify. The situations in which I’ve experienced this week is not at all about cattyness, just issues in which grown woman---or should I say godly woman---decisions had to be made and/or given.

Throughout my life I’ve been on all sides of triangulation. One of the most hurting sides of triangulation, in which just up until the last five years or so have tried to take me out, is the low end side. YESSSS, satan’s scheme was so strong that it tried to destroy me cause I wasn’t equipped enough to destroy him. Since I was a teen I was subjected to a family member who showed blatant favoritism over me to other cousins in the family. For years I tried to figure it out, often times reacting out of anger causing deeper tension in the family. And for years I blamed my cousins who actually had nothing to do with the situation. They were actually the neutral party.

Growing up I didn’t understand that. I just knew that whatever I did or said just would not measure up. And whatever they did was accepted with open arms. I was held accountable for "being me". Not realizing years later, after fully accepting who I am, being me became very instrumental in my life's accomplishments. But yes, it was very hurtful stuff. And yes…….unfortunately this demonic force even went well into my thirties. But it wasn’t until I figured out the power of God’s love and how His love teaches how to forgive that satan’s little plans had to cease. I remember the day that I released that family member and truly forgave in my heart. I haven’t had any problems since. Ok let me clarify…..satan’s little weapons no longer prospers against me. LOL-let me just make that clear.

But I’ve also been on the other side of triangulation. The side in which I was the favored. The high end of triangulation. Back in the nineties I was doing public relations for the entertainment industry and was making a name for myself producing good work. And so I was approached by the manager of a then up-and-coming R&B boy band to do some image development, branding, and publicity for the guys. The job seemed doable so I gladly hopped on board. Immediately, the guys took a liken to me. They were in their early twenties and I was a couple years older and so I not only acted as their publicist, but also their big sister. Me and the guys would go EVERYWHERE together. Just me and a bunch of guys. Many times we’d spend the night in the studio recording songs and they’d want my feedback and advice. I’ve always had a keen ear to music and so my advice, even to some of the areas top producers, was always taken seriously. On top of that, since I had my own little connections, I’d hook them up with private auditions going well outside of my PR duties.

Then one day the guys called me on 3-way and said that they came to a decision that I would be more suited to be their manager than……their manager. I clearly understood where they were coming from because working with them for over a year I witnessed some shabby business practices in which their manager had sole discretion over. The guys expressed their frustration and asked if I would take on the responsibility. Me having a very good rapport and relationship with their manager, I had no idea what to say and how to go about the transition. I too was still young. But I never forget that during that time was when Yolanda Adam’s song, Open My Heart, was out and so after I hung up with them I played that song over and over until I decided that yes I would do it.

When their manager received the news it was ugly. I didn’t know what to say, how to react, or how to proceed. But it was clear from the guys that if they didn’t make this move with me then they’d be moving on to another manager. I certainly didn’t want that. Cause we had all formed such a bond. And so it was very ugly. Here this guy developed these boys from young teens and now that they grew into their manhood they felt the need to flex their power. That’s how the entertainment business operates. And so that’s how we proceeded. Of course the friendship/business relationship I had with their former manager ceased. And of course I, being on the other side, felt really awkward. Cause he and I, though we didn’t always see eye-to-eye, we worked very well together. There was definitely a balance. But not even two years later, just before the guys were booked to perform in the Virgin Islands at the Jazz Fest, I received an opportunity to do PR for several Gospel artist and so I decided to give up artist management and follow my passion.

As I said, I’ve been on all sides of triangulation. Its been a really long time since I’ve been on the “choose me or them” side cause even now when situations like that occur I be the first to pull out. Cause really, it ain’t that serious. In the grand scheme of MY LIFE, I have the choice not no one else. But over the last few years the side that has become the most difficult is the neutral party side. Being the neutral party will ALWAYS question your loyalty and character.

Ok, I may get darts thrown at me for this one, but I feel the strong need to share in order to get my point across. Ok, so a few years back, I found out that one of my best girlfriends was seeing the same man as one of my “probationary” girlfriends. It was funny how it happened, but I put two and two together and realized that both girlfriends had been bragging to me about the same dude. When I found out I was actually having a phone conversation with my “probationary” girlfriend. I say probationary because she and I had been college buddies in undergrad and was trying to develop a friendship outside of the only thing we had in common. And so if you know me you know that friendship is a building process for me.

Anyway, so I was on the phone with my probationary girlfriend and she made mention of a situation in which my best girlfriend had mentioned to me prior. And so I started inquiring and sure enough it was the same dude. My probationary girlfriend was quite upset and so she immediately put “her boyfriend” on the 3-way and of course he denied any other relationship outside of her. He did, however, acknowledge that he knew my best girlfriend and assured her that there was absolutely no feelings involved (yeah, yeah).

I couldn’t hang up fast enough before I called my best girlfriend. And what I expected was clearly not what happened. As I was telling my girlfriend about the situation I heard a cold tone. To make a long story real short……..I was blamed for being a disloyal friend. Because my best girlfriend felt that since she and I had known each other for close to twenty-five years I should have………ok, it wasn’t clear what she felt I should have done. But bottomline, she questioned my loyalty. She felt that I should have cut off my friendship with the other. But then I thought about it. Both of these girls had been very instrumental in my life; nothing short of a blessing. I’ve laughed, cried, struggled, and triumphed with BOTH. And so I made the decision to stand firm in maintaining both as my friends. My probationary girlfriend understood wholeheartedly. In fact, she was very turned off by dude after that and so their relationship suffered. But my best girlfriend, for whatever reason, blamed me for dude’s game and so she decided to break our friendship. I was totally shocked……..but I knew I wasn’t the wrong one and so I shut the door behind her exit.

This week a few situations have come up where being the neutral party was placed in HIGH-TEST mode. These were situations involving siblings and their exes (deep breath). Ok, can I just say that…………ok, I really don’t know what the heck to say (lol). Ummm, relationships come and some relationships go. But I guess my question is…….just because a sibling is now handling an ex relationship/friendship with a long-handed spoon (in some case a darn shovel--lol) do the neutral parties have to be conformed to the changes???? I mean, over the years some of us have ridden the roller coaster more times than we cared to. And can I just say that a sistah is TIRED.

But aside from all the drama, I gotta say…..I love ALL of my siblings’ exes. YES…….ok wait let me think (lol)………YES I LOVE THEM ALL!!! In some way they have had an impact on my life that is not easily broken. Many of them just for giving me absolutely beautiful nieces and nephews. And so to me……..those exes will always be a part. No need to question. They come with the package. I mean, unless they have done something personally to ME, there is no reason to make a decision to cut the relationship. Ok, wait a minute….let me rephrase this……I mean, if they did something detrimental to me OR my sibling YES there will be problems--lol. Cause I ain’t got no problem confronting a situation if one of us is deeply hurting. But normal relationship crap……nope ain’t strong enough to break the bond. And I don’t feel the need to get involved.

Even when me and my sister was about to jump my sister’s ex while vacationing in California cause he broke bad with the both of us (this was YEARS ago--lol) we squashed our differences before we got on the plane. Cause God forbid the plane would have gone down on our wrath…umph. From that sister’s relationship alone, I still claim three brother-in-laws. (Deep breath) the things are heart make us do--lol.

Ok, but now the issue comes with the newbie. Hmmmmmmm. How in the world do we embrace the new while preserving the old?????? I mean, I’m fine with it. But why do we have to be put in the situation of feeling disloyal?????? You know what I’ve come to realize, and this ain’t pointing no fingers its just really knowing me and my loved ones true heart and motives, the insecurity 9 times out of 10 comes from the ex. A couple of days ago I was having a good conversation with my sister’s ex concerning my nephew. And my ex brother-in-law made some comments about my current brother-in-law that were uncalled for. And so, loving both dudes, I almost felt like I had a gag order in place for speaking my true feelings. Cause I didn’t want my ex brother-in-law to feel slighted.

But then I thought to myself……… “heck no!!!!” I will not allow their silent feud to gag me. It ain’t fair. It shows that I can’t be genuine and honest with a person that I call my brother. And aside from that.......anybody should have the right to express their true feelings in a relationship without worrying if the relationship would suffer. And so I said what I had to say, and although not immediately accepted, it really opened up a good dialog from there. We ended up talking for a good two hours after that. Even getting my crazy sister on the line to put in her little two cents.

But I guess my question is……..do we really have to choose one over the other????? Do we really have to forfeit one relationship in exchange for the other???? Prior to writing this entry I thought about this thing long and hard. I mean, I would be hurt if my husband’s family told me that they have decided to maintain all loyalty to my husband’s ex because that’s who was there first, and that’s who they’ve built the relationship with first. To be frank…..that to me is a relationship breaker. My profession is in marriage education and one of the biggest conflicts in a marriage is IN-LAWS. And knowing how I was unfavored growing up, the first thing I would think if my children went to my in-laws is.......are they being treated fairly. No one should have to feel this way with family. NO ONE. And it just really hurts my heart to know that children are forced to be victims to adults negativity.

Even typing this is hurting. I mean…….can’t we just all get along!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Seriously. It just goes back to who is really having the control in this. Is it the family or the ex or the newbie. If there is a true love and understanding between the ex and the family, then the ex has got to know that he/she will ALWAYS be loved (ESPECIALLY when children are involved) and that the family have enough room to love others as well. Regardless of the situation and how the newbie came to be. Embracing the newbie has nothing at all to do with the ex. It actually has nothing to do with the sibling. It really has to do with God placing people in your path for whatever reason. I would hate to get to heaven and the Lord says to me…….your sister’s boyfriend who you failed to embrace was sent by me to fulfill that missing link in your purpose in which you didn‘t complete on earth. It hurts me to think about this. We don’t know how God is going to use people in our lives. Or better yet.......how we are to be used in other people's lives.

One of my good associates is the ex girlfriend of a guy who I'd been talking to for years. Back then when I found out that he was dating her I was floored. But I ended up running into her on the metro and she knew of my family and so she approached me. She and I had a very nice conversation. Then I ran into her at a wedding and I discovered that she was a photographer. No, she and I do not speak to each other on a daily basis now, we will email each other every couple of years, but back when I was doing PR she did a few headshots for my guys. And it was only because I decided to pull my guards down that she and I developed a really good relationship. One of the gigs that she did for me turned into a lucrative deal for her. I have many of those, pulling my guards down to embrace God's plan stories. Ummmm..........my God-daughter.

Soooooooo……….its for this reason that I’ve decided to continue standing firm in neutral. All of this triangulation stuff has been a constant life lesson for me. And because of it I’m learning how to be a better sister, friend, and auntie to all of my nieces and nephews. I treat them ALL fairly. And when each are in my company they get that one-on-one treatment. That’s how my grandparents demonstrated their love to us. They have 17 grandchildren and they made it clear that they had enough love for each one of us. I stand firm on what they taught. I’m not blocking God’s flow for NOBODY’S insecurity. I refuse to block who and what God places in my path. I REFUSE. And I’m standing firm. And that goes for the old and the new.

Oh, I dare not end this entry without mentioning that my best girlfriend and I mended our differences. As I said, I was standing firm on neutral and will continue to stand firm. But she realized that some loser was not worth a lifelong friendship. It took a couple of years but we have rebuilt. Cause what God has ordained NOBODY can block. At least not if two of us are in agreement.

Give to everyone who asks of you. And from him who takes away your goods do not ask them back. And just as you want men to do to you, you also do to them likewise. “But if you love those who love you, what credit is that to you? For even sinners love those who love them. And if you do good to those who do good to you, what credit is that to you? For even sinners do the same. And if you lend to those from whom you hope to receive back, what credit is that to you? For even sinners lend to sinners to receive as much back. But love your enemies, do good, and lend, hoping for nothing in return; and your reward will be great, and you will be sons of the Most High. For He is kind to the unthankful and evil. --Luke 6:30-35

In Memory of Eunice Kennedy Shriver

I received word this morning that my former boss, the Honorable Eunice Kennedy Shriver, passed away. Wow. What an extraordinary woman.

I met Mrs. Shriver years ago when I was in undergrad studying public relations. A friend of a friend who knew somebody who was professionally connected to a person that worked in the HR department of the Kennedy Foundation was looking for an assistant for Mrs. Shriver. And just like God’s divine order and timing, I was asked if I’d be interested in the position. Its funny because Mrs. Shriver only needed somebody for 3 months to cover her Executive Assistant’s duties while she did some missions work in South Africa. But again, just like divine order…..God gave me favor. Cause I brought not only strong administrative skills to the table but I also knew how to handle the public. This was a plus working for Mrs. Shriver and so I started doing more than what the job called for.

When Mrs. Shriver’s assistant returned from her Africa trip she called to thank me for keeping order in the office, and then she said jokingly…… “I think you’re trying to steal my job.” That joke became a reality because a couple months after that I received a call from HR that Mrs. Shriver’s assistant had resigned and that Mrs. Shriver personally asked for me to take the position. That following Monday I reported downtown for duty.

Wow! I can’t even begin to tell all that I gained working for Mrs. Shriver. Even though I had already built a nice resume, I was young so I went in humbly. I knew that there was a lot to learn from the Kennedy matriarch, and I was so ready to receive. And receiving is what I did. Life lessons that have stuck with me to this day, I learned from working for Mrs. Shriver. Working for her is why to this day my daily prayer is that the Lord will put me at the right place, at the right time, doing the right thing, with the right people, for the right reason according to his perfect will for my life.

One of the first lessons that I learned from working at the Kennedy Foundation was the power of a name. My rolodex had people from Oprah to Dan Rather to Michael Jordan in it. It was nothing for me to call celebrities and say that I had Mrs. Shriver on the line and they’d take the call immediately. One time a friend of the Shrivers had called the office distraught because his daughter had received a rejection letter for admission to Georgetown University. Mrs. Shriver told the friend that she’d handle it. Actually, I handled it..... in her name. I called the Dean of Admissions and within hours---I said HOURS---an acceptance letter was faxed to the girl.

Another lesson that I learned from working for Mrs. Shriver was ain’t nobody trippin off of a diva attitude. I loved the fact that the Kennedy clan didn’t walk around like celebrities. Ted Kennedy would stop in during lunch to eat a half a sandwich and soup with his sister and then would go out and grab a taxi back to the hill. I loved when he stopped in cause most of the youngsters had no idea who he was. And he was so not phased by it. He’d wobble through and wave often times waiting for the receptionist to call me to come out and get him.

Maria [Shriver] the same way. She’d call and say…. “Jill I know you all are busy, but is mother available?” Sometimes as she would wait for her mom to get off of the phone we’d have a conversation. I’d never forget when Maria told me to make sure that I am absolutely ready to be married before taking the plunge. That conversation was way over my head back then, but I heard every word she said and took her advice to heart.

I always say that you can tell the difference between old money and new money cause new money feels the need to make it known. New money is very flashy and arrogant. The Kennedy’s fame and wealth is in their DNA. They don’t trip off of being well-known. In fact, Mrs. Shriver had me book all of her flights commercial in coach. And she insisted that she’d drive her own Cadillac to work, not needing a driver. She thought it a waste of money to hire one. Many times I’d have to send the mailroom guys down to the garage to help Mrs. Shriver bring up groceries for the office. Those would be the days she’d be a little late coming in.

Another lesson was the importance of family. I’m telling you……the Kennedys are the closest Caucasian family I know—lol. I thought Blacks and Latinas were co-dependent on family, but the Kennedys…..wow!! Most of the phone calls during the day would be from Mrs. Shriver’s children or nieces and nephews. They absolutely LOVED their mom and auntie. And grandmother……I thought my grandmother held the BEST GRANDMOTHER AWARD, but Mrs. Shriver gave my grarndmother some competition--lol. Mrs. Shriver took her motherly duties very serious.

My office was adjacent to Mrs. Shriver’s office and one day she buzzed my phone and told me that she had an emergency fax that needed to get out right away. I dropped everything I was doing and ran into her office. I just knew it had something to do with a project we were working on with Tom Brokaw, so I went running. But to my surprise she gave me this handwritten list that said…… “My Birthday Wish List”. She told me to fax it to all of her children immediately. Me and my crazy self looked at her and said…… “Mrs. Shriver this is your emergency!” She looked at me and said….. “Just do what I said Jill!” And I did. Cause she could be very, very feisty. I remember there were five items next to each of her five children’s names. And the first two items were……new patio furniture and a cashmere coat. I couldn’t believe it. But you’d better believe that she got everything she asked her children for on her wish list. Cause they'd die for their momma.

Another lesson is the importance of home. Ok, let me make this official. It was because of working for Mrs. Shriver that I took an interest in real estate and eventually got my license. When I came on board, the Shrivers were in transition because a couple months prior their home in the Potomac had caught fire and so they had to live temporarily at a home in Chevy Chase. A major part of my job was helping them transition back into their Potomac home. I’d coordinate and arrange with the interior decorator, the movers, the landscapers, etc. Daily we would get phone calls from realtors who were interested in selling either of the homes. And one day, I took it upon myself to inquire why there was such a big interest. I got the right realtor on the line and he broke it down to me. Unfortunately, they weren’t interested in selling but it helped me learn a few real estate techniques dealing with distinguished properties.

But Mrs. Shriver made sure that her homes were the center of life. There have been several media pieces done on the Shrivers and their Potomac home. One I remember was Mrs. Shriver, in her later years, playing soccer with her grandchildren on the front lawn. Yes, she had to be eighty years old when that article came out a couple of years ago. But she was kicking the ball in her nice manicured yard. And fresh flowers were delivered to the home on a weekly basis. And the home itself…….just impeccable. I remember having to make sure that the Safeway invoices were paid. No, no, no……the Shrivers didn’t have to go to the grocery store. Their housekeeper would call in the groceries and they’d be delivered from the Safeway up on Wisconsin Avenue. Talk about living. What I’d do to stay out that darn Giant!

Another lesson was the importance of being good to people. One day Mrs. Shriver had to catch an emergency flight out to see her sister. But it was the day that a 5th grade class had scheduled a field trip at the Kennedy Foundation as part of a history lesson. When they arrived they were so disappointed that Mrs. Shriver wasn’t there. And not so much because she was a former President’s sister, but more because she was Arnold Schwarzenegger’s mother-in-law--lol. But they were so disappointed. And other than taking them to see Sarge, Mrs. Shriver’s husband who is simply THE BEST, I needed to figure out how to make their trip worthwhile. So what I did was made each student a press kit with all kinds of pictures and stuff and told them that Mrs. Shriver was so distraught that she had to miss them that she wanted them to have something very special. A couple of weeks later, the teacher wrote me a letter thanking me for the kind gesture and said that it was the highlight of the trip. The funny thing is that I had to arrange for more press kits to be made since it wasn’t in the plan to give out 25 to children, but I felt I had to do what I had to do. Who knows….one of those children could be inspired enough to be our next president.

About a year or so into working for Mrs. Shriver I had to make a tough decision. I was in my senior year in undergrad and had to do a 30-hour a week internship. I had applied to several public relations firms, media outlets, and so forth. And with the help of Mrs. Shriver I could have interned just about anywhere in the is country that I wanted to. But there was an opportunity that came through that I just could not pass up. It was working in the PR department of the Recording Industry Association of America. On my last day working for Mrs. Shriver, she gave me her daughter’s, Maria Shriver, book and wrote something in there that would change my perspective about myself. She simply told me that I will succeed in anything that I choose to do in life because I have tenacity. To be honest, I didn’t know what tenacity meant until I asked around. Once I learned what it meant, I have held on to those words ever since.

There was one last thing, and probably the most important, that Mrs. Shriver taught me that has literally been the blueprint of my life is the power of one. The power of one making a difference in the life of another. The Shrivers have done a superb job of giving back to the community. What they’ve done with the Special Olympics and the Kennedy Foundation is remarkable. And it is because of seeing their efforts first hand that shifted my interest from public relations to public service. When I went back to school to get my Master’s I knew that I wanted to learn how to serve professionally. And so I called Mrs. Shriver to ask her advice. By this time she was frailing and had already suffered from a few ailments. But she told me to consider a Master’s in Public Administration. And so that’s what I did. In 2004, I earned my MPA with a concentration in Nonprofit Management.

I’m telling you having the right people in your life can make a major difference. If you ask the Lord to order your steps then you have to be confident enough to know that even the most seemingly difficult people will play a major part in your purpose on this earth. Every opportunity the Lord allows should be cherished and entered knowing that God orchestrated it. Working at the Kennedy Foundation played a major part in the woman I am today. And I thank Eunice Kennedy Shriver for believing in me and giving me a chance. She has definitely lived a full life and I believe that she has fulfilled her life’s purpose. Eunice Kennedy Shriver will always be remembered.

And God is able to make all grace abound to you, so that in all things at all times; having all that you need, you will abound in every good work. --2 Corinthians 9:8

Vacation Needed

Ok, I was not expecting to come back home from my family weekend getaway in Myrtle Beach to a heatwave. Bad enough I fell asleep on the beach and got sunburned. Even with the sun block I used religiously before stepping on the beach, my back and my face is torn up. Yes, my nose is now beginning to peel and wearing clothes just simply hurts. Now they talking about 100 degrees in the metropolitan area……….I’m so not ready for this. I thought about calling my boss and telling her that its just too darn hot to come to work, but I’m trying real hard not to make decisions from the bed. Soooooo……..

So I got myself up this morning after getting in rather late. As soon as we got to my sister’s house in Woodbridge last night to go our separate ways, I felt the strong need to clean out my car before I made it home. So I raided her cleaning closet and scrubbed down my seats and dashboard with Murphy’s Oil Soap, making sure all the candy, cookie, and popsicle wrappers left from my nieces were trashed. By the time I finished it was dark outside.

When I got home, I popped the trunk and got instantly depressed. My weekend bag, cosmetic bag, and purse turned into eight bags. At first I was gonna do the multiple trip thing up the three flights of stairs. But then I said the heck with this and grabbed my purse and cosmetic bag, and slammed the trunk.

Can I tell you….there is nothing like cleaning your house before you go away. Before I left I was so busy taking care of loose ends that I neglected the dust piling up on my dresser. But on last Tuesday night I halted everything and as I was getting in some QT over the phone, I put it down---dusted, vacuumed, cleaned mirrors, changed linen, washed clothes, emptied trash, and scrubbed the kitchen and bathroom floors. So last night when I walked in I felt instantly rejuvenated. The aromatherapy and air conditioner were on full blast. I literally dropped both bags in the middle of the floor, plugged up my cell phone, checked my messages, took a quick shower, and was in the bed sleep within 20 minutes. Seriously.

I woke up this morning feeling very Monday bluesy. A part of me had wished I’d played the mega millions at that rest stop right outside of Richmond. Just a million dollars would do, but to hit the hundred million……oh yes a sistah could do some things with that. I remembered passing the huge mega million ad on the interstate and thinking that if I played and won would my pastor accept a donation or allow me to pay my tithes off of my “ungodly” money. Yesterday, when I had the opportunity to play all kinda guilt kept running through my head so I decided that it wasn’t for me to play. But this morning…….I kinda wished I was a big winner. But then a part of me said…… “thank God for a job”. So I jumped up out the bed and faced my reality.

As soon as I walked in the living room and glimpsed at my bags sitting in the middle of the floor I started to go into an anxiety attack. At least that’s what it felt like---lol. I mean, I felt like I needed to unpack everything. Immediately. Then my bank account flashed in front of my face causing a reminder of all the money I spent over the last five days. And so I ran to the computer and turned it on. As the computer was booting up, I slipped on my sweatpants and ran downstairs to get the rest of the bags. Or at least what I could grab in one trip. By the time I made it to the top of the stairs I was huffing and puffing. I felt the need to do it though since this is the first Monday in a month that I didn’t do my early morning workout. So all kind of guilt was running through me. As soon as I got in and dumped my bags with the others I ran to the computer to discover my damage. But then I glanced at the clock and it was well past the time I needed to be in the shower. Then all of a sudden, I stopped in my tracks and said……….. “STOP!!!”

As soon as I stopped what I was stressing over, I felt an instant peace and resolve like never before. I simply got up from my desk, walked through the living room and passed all of my bags, got in the shower and threw on whatever my hand touched in the closet. I pulled my hair back in a bun, couldn’t put on any make-up cause MY FACE HURTS, and I grabbed my keys and purse, and was out the door.

On my way to work, my girlfriend “E” called stressing about a personal issue in which she needed my advice and to vent. Then when I got to work, another girlfriend called asking me to commit to an hour of intercessory prayer with her for the next 30 days for a 20 year old young lady who is suffering with intestinal cancer. I kept saying in the back of my mind…… “when do I have an hour to pray???” I mean, tonight I have to unpack and get myself mentally back into the hustle and bustle of life. Then this weekend is QT with another part of my life in which has been planned for the last month. On top of that, I haven’t been to church in over a week. Instantly, I felt the anxiety coming back on.

Then the Lord convicted me. I felt real selfish and all over the place. So what I’ve decided to do is forget the unpacking til further notice. It will get done…….when it gets done. I’m also not stressing over my finances. I went well over my monthly allowance, but its something that I rarely do and so…….SO WHAT! I refuse to feel guilty for living. I’m also taking my “Jill” time off of the clock. It’s bad enough that a good 50 hours of my week is governed by a clock, but to have my evenings and weekends on a clock becomes real selfish cause it feels like I never have enough time for me. As far as interceding for the young lady with cancer, YES I will intercede for her but will allow the Holy Spirit to guide me while I’m praying. Cause who knows…..it may be more than an hour.

Right now I just want to take a chill pill and move with the flow. Which reminds me of a dream I had last night. I dreamt that I was in the clearance section of Pottery Barn. Perhaps it was the outlet out in Leesburg. In any case, I saw this beautiful coffee table and I really wanted to buy it. In the dream I could see the color and texture of the table. I was really considering buying it. I couldn’t understand why the table was on clearance. But then I saw its flaw which seemed like a very easy fix.

As soon as I got in the office this morning, I immediately went to my dream dictionary to look up its meaning. And well, well……whataya know. Dreaming of worn furniture symbolizes outdated attitudes, and/or old ways of thinking. Dreaming of a table symbolizes family and social unity. But dreaming of a broken or wobbly table suggests some dissension in my family and/or social circle. I don’t know of any dissension with my loved ones, but maybe it’s that I need to spend more time with them. Even with this little weekender in Myrtle Beach with my family, I kept them on hold for an answer to go.

As I’m typing this entry I just received a text from my mother saying that there will be a family dinner on Friday to celebrate my little sister’s birthday and farewell back to college. Reading it I started to feel stressed because I had already mentally planned that on Friday I was washing all of my comforters at the laundry mat and preparing for my long weekend. Why in the world would yal impose on my weekend again!!! Maybe that’s the dissension. Umph. But as in the dream…..I looked at the table and thought to myself……. “oh that seems like an easy fix.” Sooooo……..what all of this says to me is that I need to spend more time on what matters then on trivial things like stressing over unpacking and balancing a checkbook and washing comforters. In fact, I came in and booked a tentative trip to St. Thomas. Cause I need a vacation EVERY month. But it’s definitely “tentative”. Cause I have to see if I can afford to take the time. Ugh.

Promises, Promises.....

How in the world can several lessons come out of one little situation. Ok, it ain’t little. Really its not. It’s been building over a couple months and has taken on a snowball affect.

Last night I had a dream that me and a colleague were on an elevator and we pushed the 6th floor which was to go down, but instead of going down it went flying up. At full speed. This morning I was curious. Cause I’m a dreamer. Always have been. Usually I can interpret my dreams without a problem. But not only could I see myself in the dream last night, there were deep distinctive aspects of the dream that touched all of my senses. Like…..I could feel myself moving with the elevator. And I could feel myself pushing the number 6 button. I could hear myself speaking with my colleague. Very weird. So when I got in this morning, I took a little time to do some research about dream interpretations. Wait……I sure hope this ain’t no psychic stuff---lol. I ain’t into any deep cognitive mental Sigmund Freud dig-into-your-subconscious-beneath-the-earth’s-surface-in-the-universe type of stuff--lol. I just want clarity. That’s it. Anyway……..so this is what I found.

Ok, dreaming of an ascending elevator means, in addition to a rise in status and wealth, that one has risen to a higher level of consciousness and is looking at the world from an elevated viewpoint. Dreaming of a colleague signifies ambition, struggle, and competitive nature. Dreaming of the number 6 signifies cooperation, balance, tranquility, perfection, warmth, union, marriage, family, and love. Dreaming of the number 6 also means that one’s mental, emotional, and spiritual states are in harmony. It is also indicative of domestic bliss.

But this is where it gets weird. The colleague that was on the elevator with me in the dream, a 60 year old white male, has no work affiliation with me as far as our work is concerned. He manages one program, and I another. Our programs are so unrelated, and our offices are so far apart. The only time we see each other is when we make a conscious effort to discuss our only common link……..ART. So for him to be in my dream it had to have deep meaning. He and I both have a strong passion for the work of artist, Sam Gilliam. In fact, over the years dude has been very instrumental in teaching me the ropes of buying, selling, and collecting art.

A couple of years ago, my colleague guided me on purchasing my first Sam Gilliam piece. Ok, let me clarify this……..ummm, it wasn’t one of Sam Gilliam’s $20,000 pieces. My colleague has several of those. No, no, no….not me. I’m taking baby steps, so I had to purchase one of the little cheaper pieces. Nevertheless, Sam Gilliam is hanging over my sofa—lol. And I’m pretty proud of it. Anyway, so when I’m huddled in his office, it looks real weird and nobody understands it but us. Cause he and I have a connection that goes very deep. We can discuss art for hours.

In fact, when I came in this morning, right after turning on my computer, I decided to go around to his office to tell him about my dream. That was before I got the interpretation. But as soon as I got there he asked me if I wanted to go to an art gallery up in northwest tomorrow where Gilliam will be displaying one of his pieces. To a new person, it may have sounded as if he asked me on a date---then again NO IT WOULDN’T ;-). But he was so excited about the event that what I had to tell him about my dream was a…..whatever. After I got the interpretation, I sent my colleague an email, but of course he only focused on the wealth part. He’s already reached his highest status here, so he’s very much focused on creating more wealth—lol.

As I pondered on my dream’s interpretation I was amazed at the revelation. I could not believe it. Still can’t. And had I not done what I did, I don’t think I would have dreamed what I dreamt. Actually, I know I wouldn’t have. Cause now I’m at such a different place within mysef. I guess I am maturing—lol.

(Deep breath) Ok last month I slammed the door, yes SLAMMED the door, on a “loved one” basically because I refused to see past my wants, thoughts, and feelings. I can’t even make no excuses on this one other than I went into “Angry Black Woman” mode. Ok, let me correct it….. “Angry Single Black Woman” mode. Cause not only did I slam the door, I locked it and swallowed the key. I kept the pride, but I swallowed the darn key.

Last week, I realized that even though my actions felt good to the flesh---cause I bragged that I took one for the team---it just wouldn’t sit well in my Spirit. Cause for one, the Lord has really been dealing with me about covenants and friendships; sticking it out even when things are unfavorable. And two, cause the Lord has been showing me how to TRULY love. I mean, how can I say that I love somebody and not be patient and kind. Love seeketh not her own, but I was truly looking at me, myself, and I. I’m learning that I have to take a stand on my promises even when the other side seems unclear. Cause if indeed the other is wrong, their actions and decisions will pay for itself. In the meantime, I've got to stay consistent on the Word of God.

Sooooo…….with the counsel of my oldest sister, thank God for a sister who’s been there/done that, I made an abnormal move. But the funny thing is that as I was making my move, my “loved one” was making one too which reflected my pride coming down. Cause it takes a real humble being to knock again after the door has been slammed---lol. This action made me see a totally different person.

Obviously, I ain’t given up too much here---lol, but can I just say that the last couple of days have been sooooo wonderful and freeing and peaceful. Seriously, I can’t tell you what will happen with this situation next year, or tomorrow for that matter, but what I can say is that God is fully in control of this vehicle and I’m allowing Him to drive.

“And whenever you stand praying, if you have anything against anyone, forgive him that your Father in heaven may also forgive you your trespasses. But if you do not forgive, neither will your Father in heaven forgive your trespasses.” --Mark 11:25-26

Strength Training

Never in my weirdest dreams did I think that I’d be growing through what I’m going through. Then again……..yes I did. Yep, I dreamt it. All of this. Sure did. Decisions, decisions. (Deep breath) Anyway, for the last few days I’ve been reminded that it is in my weakness that God has his plan in full action. And when it comes to matters of the heart…..umm, a sistah is weak.

This morning was a gym morning. In fact, since I’ve committed myself to the “morning shift” of going to the gym I’ve been quite consistent. And I’m noticing that I don’t need as many hours of sleep that I thought. I actually got in late from church last night—about midnight--and after doing the usual checking messages and returning text, settling down and doing my usual weekly weather check, it was close to 1am when I drifted off to sleep. At 5am sharp, I jumped out of the bed, threw on my gym gear, grabbed a protein shake, ran down the three flights of stairs, jumped into my car and drove off before the rear and side view mirrors adjusted, and was on the elliptical by 5:25am.

Ok, believe it or not I’ve been doing the gym thing for years and years. No, I don’t always notice a difference on the scale, but when I’m committed to something…..I’m committed. The truth of the matter is that my weight fluctuates, and I’ve just gotten comfortable with that cycle. However, over the last two years I’ve really taken my cardio to the next level. I mean, it is nothing for me to run at a steady pace on the treadmill for a lengthy period of time without getting winded. And it is nothing for me to stay on the elliptical for an hour at high intensity. When I used to workout in the evenings, sometimes I’d go down to the gym and just walk on the treadmill without looking at the clock. Before I’d know it, two hours would pass. Since I’ve increased my cardio, I have noticed some difference on the scale. But then there came the halt.

When I decided to workout in the mornings, I also decided that I’d get a trainer for 30-days as well. I just needed to get some physical advice and some help in getting into a routine that would produce better results in less amount of time. When we initially met, the first thing that my trainer told me was that I needed to decrease my cardio, and incorporate strength training into my routine. Of course I looked at him like he was crazy. I mean, cardio is what we all need, and I’d like to think that I need it a little more---cause a sistah be stressed. But he told me simply that I’ve maxed out on cardio and that I needed to burn more by lifting weights. I was floored. And you know me……I bucked him--lol. I mean, c’mon……I’ve mastered cardio. Cardio is my physical strength. My endurance in ANY physical activity that requires steady free movement has always been high. But dude wasn’t hearing me. I mean, he’s the expert I guess he knew what he was talking about. The truth of the matter is that weights intimidated me.

On my first day of my new workout routine, I did the elliptical for 30 minutes and was to do strength training for 30 minutes. The first machine I got on, I had to adjust to the lightest weights. I think 10lbs. Perhaps it was a toss up between laziness and intimidation, but I just didn’t want to do it. I mean honestly, it didn’t make sense mentally. Everybody knows that weights put on weight and on top of that they bulk you up. But with the little light weight I could do, bulking up was my least worry. I simply felt like I was just wasting my time.

If you don’t know by now, let me just tell you that I am obedient to the core. I will buck you, but if you can prove to me your authority I will follow a command without a problem. (Deep breath) So I humbled myself, and in all my weakness of lifting my little 10lbs here and 15lbs there I’ve been sticking with the program for almost a month now. And I’m proud to say that I have seen steady results in my clothes.

I think that this is a good time to insert one of my favorite quotes: “a natural pattern will show in detail what the Spiritual reality consists of.”

Last week, my pastor and his wife requested to meet with me. (Deep breath) WOW!!! What a meeting. My pastor has so much insight and knowledge of the Word of God. It was a great meeting and we had such a great conversation. One of the many things that my pastor told me was that, here in America (he’s from Ghana) we rely too much on our strengths. Everything we do we do it out of our strength. Because that’s what we’ve been indirectly taught---to be all that we can be. Our strengths have become a one size fits all type of lifestyle. And for some ungodly reason, we’re making it work in all aspects of our lives. Or at least we’re trying to.

So as me and my pastor were conversing you could tell he was getting a revelation on the spot. Then the conversation shifted. And he got quiet. And I was sitting there looking stupid waiting for him to speak. Cause I knew the Lord was speaking to Him. What he told me was that as much as he knows that I would be excellent at doing what he had originally felt that I would be great at doing in the ministry, he has to be obedient to God as a shepherd and pull out the thing in me that the Lord is showing him. I know EXACTLY what it is. I’ve been ducking and dodging it. Cause it intimidates me. It’s my weakness.

You know what’s amazing, and I promise you that I'ma tie all this together (lol)………. It's amazing that here in the U.S., 44% of women over the age of 30 who are unmarried are African American. Can you believe that!!! That’s almost half!!! Ok, here it goes. In MY opinion, one of the biggest mistakes that have surfaced on this earth is the black women’s empowerment movement. And being a black woman who has had her share of this movement, and am still single…..umm yes I feel qualified to give my opinion and express my feelings.

This ungodly movement has taken us to plain old cockiness. We have become unbreakable, unsubmissive, and just down right…..unbearable. Don’t get me wrong…..I’m all for a strong, black woman, but what we’ve failed to realize is that black women came to earth with a purpose of strength. We came to earth to help the man. But somehow we got deceived again into thinking that we can do our job and his. Ummm, yes we can….but that ain’t what we were sent here for. That’s like adding sugar to syrup.

I had a conversation with one of my girlfriends over the weekend. She’s very successful might I add. But she says that she’s so tired of being lonely and being without a companion that she has begun to really cry out to the Lord to send her someone. Of course she was reaching out to me for some insight and advice, and a shoulder. And the first thing I explained to her was that though marriage is an earthly covenant, it is ordained by God. Therefore, if it is to truly work with the blessings she desires she has to be obedient, and submit to God’s word. To put a few perspectives on the table that I thought she might understand I told her flat out……the Ms. CEO thing is not gonna work in the home with a husband. I so love Michelle Obama for being a good example of this. Not many know that Mrs. Obama was Mr. President's boss at one of the country's leading law firms when they started dating. Over the years, roles changed drastically. Because the Mrs. obviously submitted to her true purpose.

After I hung up with my girlfriend, in which I revealed some of the conversation me and my pastor had, I thought back to that conversation. It made me reflect on how churches are being run by strong folk who have extraordinary gifts and talents in the world. To the finite mind……this is ideal. But to the spiritually-led being…….ummm I don’t think this should be. First, gifts come without repentance so you don’t know what spirit is leading a ministry in the church. But second, I don’t believe that a strength that is built by the world can be truly in submission to God’s perfect will. Submitting to God's will takes a great deal of humility and a lot of us has spent half our life trying to build and rebuild ourselves. Removing is a sense of going backwards.

You know what I thought about this morning……..Jesus was a great carpenter. He came from a family of skilled carpenters. So why didn’t he build the first church??? In fact, you don’t see anything in the Bible where Jesus used his profession in the ministry. In fact, everybody who He had chosen in ministry with him He told them to drop their careers and follow Him. They dropped everything to follow Jesus. Everything that they’d accomplished they dropped to follow Christ.

This reminds me of a dude at my church. To see this guy you wouldn’t think twice about his profession, or skills, or what he does outside of the church. More than often, he comes to church in his little skippies and t-shirt and sits anywhere there is a vacant seat---off to the side or in the back. Every now and again, we exchange looks of perplexity with something that my pastor says or even looks of “dang, I just learned something”. Very nice guy. One time we were in a meeting and somebody asked what ministry he led and he said plainly, “I don't lead any ministry. I do whatever Pastor and First Lady tells me to do.” He said, “right now I’m the waterboy.” We cracked up laughing as he went to get two cold bottles of water for my pastor. But recently, he and I spent some time chatting after service and I was amazed at what he revealed. Dude runs one of the nation’s top corporations. His expertise and skills can take the church in a soaring direction………but he makes it non-verbally clear that that’s not his purpose for being at the church. He’s on a mission for God and has wholeheartedly submitted to the will of the Lord.

Over the last few months or so, the Lord has really been working on me to understand that being weak is not a bad thing. In fact, it’s a darn good place to be. But we’re programmed to think that being weak sends so many negative messages. We’re taught to keep our guards up, to not pull them down. We’re taught to not let them see us sweat. We’ve taken the strong, “got it going on” image to a whole new level. We’ve built up this wall with the help of society that is really a trap set by the enemy. As my pastor said to me……. until I am in my weakest state, that’s emptying all of me, no newness can enter. I received what he said wholeheartedly. Cause without telling him my current situation, I had a “I’m a strong black woman” wall up. And as much as it hurt my pride, and revealed my vulnerability, I decided to take it down after speaking with my pastor. Now I can finally feel God moving in the situation. I’m seeing results.

… To keep me from becoming conceited because of these surpassingly great revelations, there was given me a thorn in my flesh, a messenger of Satan, to torment me. Three times I pleaded with the Lord to take it away from me. But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong. --2 Corinthians 12:7-10