Christian Living

On A Mission

2010-10-29T16:37:00.000-04:00

I am sooo proud of my niece, Imani!!! At just 17 years old, she identified a need in the community and went after trying to solve the problem. I’d have to agree that if the Democrats want the young vote back, or at least the momentum from 2008, then they have to meet them on their level.

Imani’s organization’s, Savvy Girls Vote, mission is to foster a sisterhood to improve young voters’ understanding of the issues that are affecting and shaping society, as well as the political system that drives them, in order to make sound, educated choices during election seasons. Yes, this is her mission and she’s determined to accomplish it.

You know what….for the last year or so I’ve been really focused on those individuals who are outside of the church representing Christ. To me, that makes all the difference. Those are the real workers. Folks like Terry and Rebecca Crews, Roland Martin, Tyler Perry, Sherry Shepherd, and now Jamal Bryant are proclaiming Jesus on primetime television. I love when Christians can take their mission outside of the church---where it needs to be. And I love to hear celebrities proclaim Jesus in the secular world.

I remember a couple of months ago I heard Dr. Cornell West speak about the goodness of Jesus during an interview. Maaan, it just took me to a different place than hearing ordinary pastors proclaiming their faith. I was so overjoyed listening to Dr. West that I started crying. Cause it’s a difference when you see folk riding Jesus for fame, and then see those ones who know that their fame is meaningless without Jesus. There’s a difference.

I still say, there’s not enough of us representing Christ in the secular world. It’s needed. People like Barry C. Black (his book is to the left---I know, I know….I still haven’t finished it that’s why its still there--lol) can’t do all the work alone. He’s representing Jesus in Congress. That’s why I’m proud of my niece. She’s very confident in her walk with Christ and is able to go out in the vineyard and make a difference outside of her church. Oh she knows the Lord and believe me…she will find a way to say Jesus is Lord during her political mission. Trust me!!!

Please check out her website at http://www.savvygirlsvote.com/, and feel free to contact her. She needs all the support she can get .

He told them, “The harvest is plentiful, but the workers are few.” Ask the Lord of the harvest, therefore, to send out workers into his harvest field. –Luke 10:2

My New Blog is Up!!!!!

2010-09-10T16:35:00.001-04:00

Hey you guys......its finally done!!! Nothing fancy, but a little more organized. I've put my first post up and now you can check-in regularly, as I am officially back blogging. I've got lots to tell you over the next few weeks. The new blog is www.Can't Give Up Now.com. Thanks again for supporting me.

We're Moving!!!!!!

2010-07-07T10:11:00.000-04:00

Yes, good people its time to go to the next level!!! The Lord is really taking me to a deeper level in Him, no more performance-based relationship with Him (as the modern church seems to back us up in the corner with). And you know from my entries over the last two years that I don't do the prosperity-based relationship, either.

Sooooo........I've grown from "the trying to get it right" talk and am now entering into His rest. But the thing about entering into His rest is that you have to become weak, emptying self, and allow God to grow strong in us. That's usually where the battle comes in because the flesh decides it wants to wrestle with the Spirit. With that comes really lonely nights, wilderness experiences, and hard decisions. But I've committed to God and have allowed Him to do His perfect will in me. And although it can be hard......I'm committed to HIM!! With that said, my new blog will be called "Can't Give Up Now". Its in its development stages and should be completed by the end of the month. When it is launched I will place the last link on this site.

Thanks for supporting a sistah and I look forward to going to the next level with you!!!!

Your sis-in-Christ,

Jill

Kwame Kilpatrick: Another One Bites the Dust

2010-05-25T17:21:00.002-04:00

“My anointing and my gift took me to a place where my character couldn’t keep me.” That was the quote from ex-mayor of Detroit, Kwame Kilpatrick on the Tom Joyner Morning Show two weeks ago. Today, the judge gave Kilpatrick his sentencing……up to 5 years in jail!!!!!!

Here’s a recap just in case you haven’t kept up with the story…. Kwame Kilpatrick, a very intelligent brotha was the mayor of Detroit, but for several years was having an affair with his chief-of-staff. Not only was he having sexual relations outside of his marriage on the city’s clock, but he also misused his power and position by intertwining all of his luxuries as mayor to benefit himself and his mistress. However, that’s not what took him down. What took him down was that he lied about it until another savvy sistah went through great lengths to prove the truth by pulling phone records. But on top of all the scandal, and after serving three months in jail, it was as if the ex-mayor still felt he was above the law. He ended up violating probation and failed to report all of his assets (he also owes the city one million dollars in restitution).

For the last year or so, Kilpatrick and his family (including his forgiving and devoted wife) have been residing in Dallas, TX to escape all the turmoil and to be counseled by none other than the bishops Bishop T.D. Jakes. From the radio interview a couple of weeks ago, Kilpatrick sounded as if he was finally learning this thing, being accountable for his actions, and taking it like a man. But according to several news reports…..dude showed his tail in the courtroom today.

Wow. Can I just be liberated today? THANKS. Ok, I hate to see my Black brothas going down, especially after they’ve accomplished so much. But I gotta stand firm on the “reap what you sow” principle with this one. Kilpatrick is right about at least one thing…….his character couldn’t sustain him in such a powerful position. I mean, talk about arrogance. Ain’t nothing more unattractive than an arrogant man. But this one……..this one breaks my heart from so many angles. Did I mention he has three young sons? Umph.

Every time I think of the Kwame Kilpatrick saga, I keep replaying in my mind what I read about his mistress when all the crap hit the fan a few years ago. There was an incident where his mistress, the chief-of-staff, was speeding and got pulled over by the police---rightfully so. According to the article, sistah girl was belligerent, screaming…… “do you know who I am?????” If I’m not mistaken, I think the officer who pulled her over faced repercussions from "the mayor" because of this. That was just one of many incidents where they both misused their power.

Let me digress for a moment---you know I will bring it all together by the end (lol).

On Saturday evening, me and E (my BFF) had our regular weekend check-in chat. And we were talking about how folk, especially so-called Christians, don’t fear God these days. We laughed about our own Christian walk and how God got us scared straight---seriously joking that we can’t get away with nothing!!! Just as I told her….I ain’t celibate cause I got control and I’m this superwoman. I’m celibate cause as soon as I think I want to get into some premarital sexual act God be like…….. “so you want to take matters in your own hands and step outside of my covering, huh. Now look…..you went on out and got yourself an STD!”

Even though me and E laughed and joked about it, it’s a lot of truth to it. I mean, I don’t know about nobody else, but God got me on a leash. I fear my Master. I ain’t saying I’m perfect by no means, but as soon as I step out...something in me, near me, around me dies. Either my self-worth, my self-esteem, self-control, I kill a potential friendship, my joy dies, emotions are all wacked up, my integrity dies---cause you know with every sinful act comes a lie----something dies. I mean, it ain’t worth it. And thank God for God cause He reminds me regularly of His word……… For the wages of sin is death, but the gift of God is eternal life in Christ Jesus our Lord. (Romans 6:23). By the time all the consequences run through my head and scriptures and a vision of Christ waiting by the door for His prodigal daughter to come back home I be like…….awww forget it, it ain't worth it!!!! I’m telling you, I can’t get away with nothing! lol.

But then me and E got on the subject of God’s forgiveness. I mean, I hear this all the time…….if God is going to forgive us of our sins and we can still get into heaven, why stop sinning? I hear this all the time. It’s a question that I had for many, many years. And so me and E revisited that question the other night and reiterated to each other that even though we step out of God’s covering and He welcomes us back with open arms and forgives us, we still have to pay for that sinful act. Just like with the situation with Kwame. Even though he stepped out on his wife and she accepted him back with open arms and forgiveness……..he’s still going to jail!!!!

He who sows wickedness reaps trouble, and the rod of his fury will be destroyed. –Proverbs 22:8

It's Supernatural!

2010-05-18T10:10:00.001-04:00

Ok, so I’ve been reading “Win Every Battle” by Michael L. Galiga for the last few days---mainly on my Metro ride to work, so it’s taking me a little longer to finish than expected. But I love the premise of the book and what it’s speaking about.

I had seen Galiga on the Daystar broadcast, “Its Supernatural”. It was late one night when I couldn’t sleep and so I clicked on the television hoping to land on something that would put me back to sleep. As I was flipping through the channels, I stumbled on an interview of Galiga who was promoting his book. It caught my attention immediately because Galiga was saying how when you really need something from God the best way to pray is to lay on the floor with your cheek to the carpet.

It immediately caught me because, not only had I started praying this way, but I connected with what he was feeling when he said it. Because it’s just something about laying prostrate before God that humbles me and puts me in tears. Most times I get so caught up in thanking Him, that what I was intending to ask seems unnecessary.

Anyway, so I ordered the book and couldn’t wait for it to arrive. If you haven’t heard of Michael Galiga, he’s an attorney/businessman who encountered God in a supernatural way and hasn’t been the same since. He’s one of the few Christians in Corporate America spreading the Gospel of Jesus Christ.

So the book arrived and I started reading immediately. The book is really on point. But I must warn you….if you’re a “surface” Christian, meaning that if you go through life believing that good and bad is all in God’s control and you’re just focusing on the happy, hopeful times to get you through the bad times…..then you’ll find this book “spooky spiritual” and you may stop reading after the first chapter. But if you’re one of those “take me deeper in the things of God” Christians……oh, you’ll love this book; especially if you’re a Christian in a lackluster business.

Speaking of different Christian beliefs, I love how Galiga mentions in his book, the book “God at War” by Gregory A. Boyd that breaks down the two different world views among Christians. According to Boyd, first, there is the Warfare World View of Christianity which is held by those of us who understand that the war in heaven, which began when Lucifer rebelled against God, is being played out right here on earth. We also understand that although Jesus died on the cross and rose from the dead, it didn’t/doesn’t stop Satan from wrecking havoc in our lives.

The second, according to Boyd, is the Classical Philosophical Christian World View in which people believe God is in total control and that He micromanages the world. People by this world view are baffled by evil, saying stuff like….why would God kill that child? Or why would God send that tornado? Or why did God let that Christian die of Cancer? And my all-time favorite……why would God allow him/her to be born a homosexual? As Boyd explains, the ultimate excuse that classical philosophical Christians use is…. “God did this to teach us something.”

As I read this chapter of Galiga’s book, my heart and head ached because many Christians are living with the belief that God allows bad to happen….TO TEACH US LESSONS!!!! Ok, can I just say….this is some real misguided teaching and anyone who goes to a church that teaches this should truly consider your membership. The truth is…..satan is real and his mission is to take you out!!! And wherever he leaves his mark, whether its in you or around you, you’re tagged for destruction if you're not truly walking in the fullness of God.

I am the gate; whoever enters through me will be saved. He will come in and go out, and find pasture. The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full. –John 10:9-11

Don’t know if you’ve heard, but a few weeks ago a high school principal in the DC Metro Area was brutally killed. I didn’t follow the story, but I heard many people commenting that what was so ironic about the murder was that two prior residents of the principal’s home had been killed the same way, and that the principal was well aware of the previous murders. When I heard this it wasn’t ironic to me. Other than the fact that my church is a warfare ministry, I think the word is spreading rapidly that spirits linger and that’s why many new homeowners are having house blessings, instead of housewarmings (that’s another post—lol).

As a realtor, when I’m preparing a seller's home to be placed on the market the seller has to disclose if there were any deaths on the property. And I don’t know if whoever came up with these regulations took it from a spiritual point-of-view or not, but spiritually its REAL. Another point that Galiga mentioned is to pray over your land because you don’t know what type of blood was shed where you live (again, another post--lol).

Anyway, so after I’d read the part in Galiga’s book where it talked about the different Christian world views, I was saddened; mainly because for years I had fallen into that category. If I lost a job I’d immediately give the excuse….well if it was in God’s will then He would have made it another way. I didn’t understand gates and walls, and demonic forces being strategically placed in the workplace to block God’s blessings for my life. I couldn’t grasp the Holy Spirit within me to not just comfort and protect, but to be a fighter against the wiles of the enemy. Ok, let me be honest…..not too sure if I had the Holy Spirit back when I was practicing Christianity on my own terms---lol.

Every time I think about gates and walls (people who are strategically positioned in your life to help carry you through the promises of God or those positioned by Satan to block the promises of God) I think about one of my professors in grad school. In grad school, there were three of us Black women who formed a bond. At a predominately White, private college, we stood out; and we were loved. We were very popular and always had an impact on the class. All of our professors (predominately White) loved us.

In the first year as professionals trying to further our education for career advancement, grad school was a breeze. But then the second year came and the three of us enrolled in a class that, as I now understand, was meant to destroy us. Hated it. All three of us did. Not the subject or the class, but the professor who blocked all interest for the subject and the class. “Ironically” she was a Black woman, a sistah, who knew her craft well. In fact, she was one of the few Ph.D’s in our program and she reminded us often that she was a scholar in the field.

The first day of class the professor made it clear that she wasn’t favoring us, the Black women. Not because of shallow reasons of envy and jealousy, but because she felt that Blacks had gotten a free pass through life and she was one of the ones that would make the pass very hard to earn. I mean, truthfully, I agreed with a lot that she was saying. But what I didn’t agree with was not making that a rule across the board. Yes, by all means, I want to earn my grade and degree, but I wasn’t going to tolerate her proving a point or making a statement at my expense. Nope, not on my dime or time.

So as the semester progressed, it got REAL tough. My mid-term grade in that class was a big, fat OUCH, and I was seriously looking at possibly failing the class. I had lost all interest in the subject and was quite upset because now in my profession I need to have that skill set. One of the three of us literally dropped out of school, LITERALLY. She and I are still friends and it had become a hopeless situation for her. Her job was paying for her tuition and would only reimburse for above average grades. So she dropped out. The other almost failed because the instructions weren’t given correctly for our final paper, and so the night that the paper was due, as we were proofing each other's work, hers was clearly off. I had to help her write her paper at the last minute. We literally pulled a paper together in two hours making her barely passing the class.

That final night when we went to class I was livid. I was already hearing other students bragging about their mid-term grades and were given preferential attention. I also discovered that the teacher’s pet, an "A" student in the class, actually went to church with her and so they had a relationship outside of school. So I sat back and listened until it was time for me to present my final paper. But something didn’t add up. I kept thinking that if what these other students are presenting is reflective of the knowledge they’re acquiring from the professor's lectures resulting in high grades, then something was seriously wrong.

So I started fighting, in the natural. For the next few months I fought by writing letters and making formal complaints to the board and faculty. And as a result, that professor did not return the next semester (or ever again) and I was able to squeeze a “C” out of the class. But had I known then what I know now I would have approached the situation spiritually, and not in the flesh and would have saved myself some unnecessary drama. The truth of the matter is that it was only because back then I had carried childhood issues in me that wanted to fight anybody or anything that treated me unfair (another post—lol), and so it really wasn’t about saving my grade and passing the class because I had enough “A’s” and letters of recommendation to justify that something was seriously wrong, if questioned. But I just didn’t like how the professor was treating me (or us) differently than the others that made me truly hate her.

You know what’s funny, had that professor been subtle with her demonic plan---pretending to like me, and “encouraging” me to try harder, I’d accept a failing grade and would have settled with the mindset….. “God allowed me to fail that class because He was protecting me from something I can’t see right now.” Seriously, I would have settled on that mindset.

Many Christians are living their lives in this type of warped mindset. I hear it every day!! I mean seriously, was it really a 16 year-old’s time to depart this earth by being gunned down on a drug infested corner?????? NO!!!!! That child more than likely had a serious calling on his life to make a difference in society and satan knew it and took the child out!!!! C’mon now….if God controlled all, regardless of the choices we make (good and bad), and has the power to doom us just because……He has all power, then there wouldn’t be a need for the Word of God (Bible) to show us His true plan and how to operate on this earth with the enemy. God has given US, Christians, the power to take the enemy out!!! And we do it by spiritual warfare, praying and fasting.

(Deep breath). Can you imagine a world where all Christians truly walked according to God’s plan and power….umph. I’d like to believe that slowly, but surely……we’re realizing the power that dwells within in us. But I truly believe that some of us are walking in God's fullness and putting that power into action.

Jesus replied, “I saw Satan fall like lightning from heaven. I have given you authority to trample on snakes and scorpions and to overcome all the power of the enemy; nothing will harm you.” --Luke10:18-19

The Cookie Monster

2010-05-13T17:45:00.001-04:00

So I played hooky from work yesterday. I woke up and couldn’t move. Ok, I take that back. I got up at 5am-ish and attempted to put on my gym clothes, but instead of heading to the laundry room to put on my socks and shoes, I went straight to the kitchen and fixed myself a bowl of ice cream and cake. YES…..at 5am in the morning!!!

The night before I had taken a Theraflu Nighttime cause I was feeling a little under the weather and so I wanted to sleep through the night. But for some reason when I take a Theraflu it stays in my system for at least 12 hours. My intentions were to get in a good morning workout and then head to my good ole government job. But my plans got trumped by my…. “my issue”. After eating my ice cream I fell straight to sleep and didn’t wake up again until just before The View came on at 11am. I was seriously tired.

As I was waiting for The View to come on I saw the previews for Oprah’s show. Ok, if you don’t know me by now let me just say that I’m not an Oprah fan. I love her as an accomplished Black woman, but when you denounce Jesus publicly it makes me know that you're on assignment from the devil, and so I gotta watch out for you and your demonic tactics. I actually wrote about Oprah’s “spirituality” in my first entry back in April 2008. She so doesn’t get it, and makes it clear that she doesn’t want to get it, that’s why I’m praying for her soul.

Anyway, so yesterday Oprah’s previews caught my attention. The show featured New York Bestseller’s author, Geneen Roth and her new book, Women Food and God. Oprah made a point to stress that if you’ve ever struggled with weight that [yesterday’s] show could give you the ticket out of your dilemma. Ok, I gotta be honest here…..anything that has to do with weight loss/gain I like to see what Oprah says about it only because when it comes to weight Oprah’s success still can’t seem to buy a lifelong cure. So I’m always curious to see/hear her new discovery and excuse for yoyo-ing on her latest attempt. AND, since I’ve been battling my weight all my life….perhaps I could gain some scientific insight (ok I do now know that its spiritual!).

So at 4pm yesterday I tuned in. Oprah, of course, was in her “aha” mode like she’d finally figured this weight thing out. She was so excited by her guest and jumped right in to the story line. Oprah was quick to confirm with the author that mentioning GOD in the title had nothing to do with religion. That’s when my first smirk, eyebrow-raise, went up. All in my head I kept screaming, RED FLAG...RED FLAG!!!

So I was all-ears listening and trying to understand the author’s point and how it changed all the other guests. Have to admit, I understood clearly the thing of relating food to mood. As I mentioned, I’ve struggled for many years with my weight. No matter how small I got I felt I wasn’t adequate and no matter how big I got I always gave myself a temporary pass of " in preparation mode". And so like thousands of others, I tried to deal with the issue from the surface; my current state. Just recently, I’ve learned to go to the root of things and not deal with them from the surface/result level.

A few months ago, one of the prophets from Ghana that frequents my church told me that there was something chasing me from childhood. As you know.....prophecy only confirms what the Spirit has already told you, so I knew immediately what it was. When I was between the ages of birth to 10 years old, I was raised by my great-grandmother. Not knowing the full story of why she ended up raising me, I always felt like she tried to over-compensate for what I missed receiving from my mother and father.

At six years old, the earliest I can remember, when my grandmother wanted to make me feel good she’d always give me cookies. If it wasn’t cookies it was a candy bar. But she never liked to spend unnecessary money on food, especially on road trips or when we were just out shopping. It was unheard of for her to buy food at an amusement park. She would pack a lunch wherever we went. So when she’d pull a pack of name-brand cookies from her secret draw, cause she knew I hated when she’d try to make homemade cookies, I knew it had to be well-deserving. Every now and again, when she wanted to “treat” me to something out of the ordinary, she’d take me to McDonald’s. And even there it would be a big affair as we would sit in McDonald’s (across the street from where we lived) and take our time to eat. She didn't support "drive-thru/carryout" because she hated the thought of cold fast food. My great-grandmother made food a luxury.

I remember when I was in the 4th, 5th, and 6th grades my great-grandmother’s health was declining and so I spent a lot of time out of school; mainly because it probably was too much of a chore to get out of the bed to get me ready for school. But on those many days I’d be at home on my own. I’d spend all day watching television in my own fantasy world, and during commecials would make it my mission to find the secret draw with the cookies. A year or so ago, I wrote an entry of those days when I was home alone and how I’d get depressed around 3pm when my friends would come home from school and tell me all of the fun I missed. To this day, every time I miss work I go into this guilt feeling (yes....that's another entry--lol).

Years later, even as recent as yesterday after watching Oprah, I've fully accepted that overeating for me is associated with reward, loneliness, and procrastination. To this day, when I feel emotionally drained I want cookies. I can eat ANY type of cookies, my favorite being ginger snaps. I have always used food to divert my negative feelings; especially when I feel I didn't get my just-due in a situation. But it could really be any negative emotion. Like yesterday morning when I didn’t feel like going to work I procrastinated so hard til I ended up eating a bowl of ice cream because I knew that it would seal my decision. Its almost like using food to excuse myself from something I really don’t want to do. And so I truly understand and recognize that the way I’ve used food is a sin. I’ve lusted after it, been gluttony, and have shown no self-control. I've totally disregarded its true intent.

Ok, so I was watching Oprah yesterday, and according to Geneen Roth (I have to preface this by saying that I haven’t read the book so I can only go by yesterday’s show and what I’ve read on the internet) food should be something that is worshipped and embraced, llike God.

I found this publisher’s note online:

“If you suffer about your relationship with food -- you eat too much or too little, think about what you will eat constantly or try not to think about it at all -- you can be free. Just look down at your plate. The answers are there. Don't run. Look. Because when we welcome what we most want to avoid, we contact the part of ourselves that is fresh and alive. We touch the life we truly want and evoke divinity itself.”

If this is really from the publisher, THIS IS RIDICULOUS!!! I mean, is the publisher really saying that the answer to sin (gluttony, lust, and lack of self-control) is the food on our plate????????? As I said, I haven’t read the book (and don’t plan to), but Oprah did give the principles outlined in the book and I remember one of them being to embrace food. THIS IS SICK!!! Using and abusing food for any reason other than for sustenance becomes a drug, and we all know that with drugs you will destroy any and everything to get to it. I mean really......would a drug counselor tell a drug addict who comes to them for help to embrace the pipe!!!!

I’d like to believe that what the author is trying to say, and was probably tripped up by Oprah’s not really wanting to talk about the true and living God, is that food can be a block that keeps us away from that divine experience we need from God; that place where we are totally fulfilled. Because of that deep longing that usually puts us in precarious situations (emotional experiences we try to avoid) that we rarely get to the deep longing or place where God wants us. Since I have suffered with this issue and understand where (and why) the issue has originated, let me just say what I’ve discovered over the years.

1. Food for reward. “If you are wise, your wisdom will reward you; if you are a mocker, you alone will suffer." --Proverbs 9:12. One of the things that I’ve discovered over the years is that I am a very wise woman, but it took me well into my 30s to receive this gift. People (family, friends, and associates) rely on my wisdom almost daily. And so now when I share the wisdom God has given me (like in this blog) I feel fulfilled; I’m rewarded because I’ve shared myself. I’m learning that my reward only comes from my obedience to God’s will, and that there’s no amount of chicken fingers and French fries that could fill this void.

2. Food for loneliness. But Jesus often withdrew to lonely places and prayed. –Luke 5:16. I’m learning that as soon as I feel lonely it is often the time when I need to communicate with God; fall on my face and pray. I now know that when I’m feeling lonely its only because God is trying to get my attention. And so on those nights that I really feel the need to go and have a pity party at a nice restaurant by myself, I probably need to go to church. Its so funny how our prayer service is on Friday nights. The night when folk probably feel the loneliest.

3. Food for procrastination. Jesus said, “No procrastination. No backward looks. You can't put God's kingdom off till tomorrow. Seize the day.” --Luke 9:62. I’ve used food for procrastination on more than enough times. I am famous for the “might as well eat…” attitude. Anytime I’m doing a big project from writing a proposal to painting a room, I will take several food breaks but then it would be so hard to restart from where I left off. I’d be the first to say that I’ve used food to delay the will of God. And many times I have missed opportunities because I intentionally had a big meal and knew I wouldn’t feel like attending a meeting or church service afterwards.

In sum, those of us who are “food addicts” are probably the ones who have the biggest calling on our lives. Food is the only thing that we need hourly on earth, but if we have too much of it it could block the perfect will of God. It really makes me wonder.

A Mother's Day Reality

2010-05-10T15:27:00.002-04:00

It wasn’t my intentions to write this entry, but in the middle of writing another post my girlfriend and I had a small chat about her Mother’s Day and the message her mom left on her voicemail yesterday. Since I can remember, my girlfriend and her mom have always had a beef. Any little thing will set them both off. My heart truly goes out to my girlfriend because I can relate. Just like my former situation, her feelings towards her mom actually stem from childhood (a loooong time ago). But as I’ve been taught, until the root is pulled out they will either continue to have a combative relationship or they’ll come to the point where they will tolerate one another and will deal with each other with a long-handed spoon---you know, have a fake relationship that some of us have mastered.

Let me just take the time to say, I LUUUUV VH1’s, Brandy and Ray J: A Family Business (trust me, I’ll tie all of this together--lol). I love it for more than enough reasons. But last night’s show just really hit home for me. If you haven’t seen the show, it’s a reality show that follows the life of R&B sensation, Brandy and her younger brother Ray J as they handle their business in the entertainment industry. The show also features their mom, who has managed both Brandy and Ray J’s careers since the beginning, and their father who acts as the voice of reason (or bridges the gaps) between all of them.

Over the last few episodes it was revealed that Brandy and her mom have had a strained mother/daughter relationship over the years. There was an incident that happened on a previous episode that really had nothing to do with Brandy and just like clockwork (as Brandy expressed), Brandy’s mom took it out on her. But Brandy held her own, as an adult and as a child who is tired of fighting and making her point to her mom, and stood for a lot of daughters who’s caught up in the same situation. Even my mom said that she was impressed with Brandy for holding her mother accountable for blurting something to Ray J’s friend that was totally out of order and uncalled for. Though I hated for this episode to have aired on Mother’s Day, it was like perfect timing.

Speaking of the root of the problem, I’ve heard of many women trying to fix their strained relationships with their mothers, unsuccessfully. As I was talking to my girlfriend she said that if only her mom would have told her during childhood that she loved her and accepted her for who she is, she believes that that would have set a world of difference between the two of them. And I’ve heard other women say that if their mothers would have not worked so much and attended their dance recitals it would have made a difference.

But then I’ve heard mothers say, like my mother expressed to me, that way back when their daughters were young they were so engulfed with their personal issues of trying to survive in an ever-changing society, dealing with dysfunctional relationships, and trying to provide for the household that focusing on their daughters needs beyond the obvious was a true oversight. These were clearly not Brandy and her mom’s issues since Brandy grew up in a stable two-parent household with a career in Hollywood. But I’ve heard some mothers flat-out apologize and are still left without hope of repairing the relationship.

Last night, watching Brandy and her mom trying to fix the relationship by offering compromises sounded so familiar. I think it had good intentions and I salute Brandy for her attempt, but it ended as all of those types of situations end…..slamming something and walking out. Because the more you try to express yourself, the more bandages will be ripped off, and the more hurt you become. It’s a never-ending cycle. That’s when it hit me…….ITS SPIRITUAL!!!

All of this mother/daughter fighting is an issue in the bloodline and can only be resolved with prayer and fasting. It’s so beyond each individual mother and her daughter. Its like so many of us are going through the same thing, but for different reasons. And how I really know that its spiritual is because when I look back at all of my girlfriends we all have issues with our mothers; meaning that there was something in me that attracted those types of girlfriends. It was a spirit/curse that we each had been carrying.

Over the last few years, my pastor has been teaching heavily on the bloodline and some of the generational curses we carry just as a people, and for being born into certain families. And as I’ve expressed in some of my entries from last year, my pastor has been dealing with me on a lot of things I’d been carrying over the years resulting in ungodly cycles. One of the issues that I had to pull from the root was the issue I carried about my mother. Just in sum, for years I blamed her for conceiving me on a one-night stand resulting in my great-grandmother raising me for the first 10 years of my life. But even with my mother eventually taking over her parental responsibilities, being a born again Christian, and me confessing Jesus as my Lord couldn’t fix the issue. And that's even after I'd spent several years apologizing for my unruly behaviour.

Let me just say this real quick because I don’t want to confuse anybody. When we are born again we are truly saved by grace and no longer walk under the curse of the law. However, there are some curses that have come upon the land and through each person’s generations that can affect us if we don’t fully activate the power within us.

So many take the scripture “REPENT and be baptized, every one of you, in the name of Jesus Christ for the forgiveness of your sins (Acts 2:38) so lightly. But actually the term repent is a very deep act. It means to completely transform and change your life including all of your consciousness, which is in relationship with your subconscious being. And we all know that the subconscious is what makes us “unknowingly” act the way we do (i.e., me being against my mother). When I rededicated my life to Christ I had to pray that God would reprogram my thinking (consciously and subconsciously). I prayed for a long time that God would erase the tape; the tape from my childhood that held animosity against my mother. It’s that same tape that has been sold to many of my girlfriends, and obviously to Brandy and her mom.

I can't say that I was "delivered" overnight because its an issue that I pray diligently about. But yesterday was the first Mother’s Day that I didn’t have ill feelings towards my mother. Over the years, I hated for Mother’s Day to come. I’d be mad for no reason. Partly because I felt that we (her children) couldn’t satisfy her with any gift we gave her. But more because I felt like I was celebrating the over-rated holiday out of an insincere heart. I was still holding childhood animosity.

But yesterday, I was so excited to get to my mother’s house with my little card. Years prior I had stuck much more money in cards, I guess coming from a very ungodly place. But this year what I gave truly came from my heart and I wasn’t burdened if she liked it or not. I gave, she received, and we all spent a nice, fun-filled day with my mother. Now that I am really standing firm on God’s Word and understanding how cunning satan is, I’m more equipped to handle life’s obstacles.

‘Father will be divided against son and son against father; mother against daughter and daughter against mother; and mother-in-law against daughter-in-law and daughter-in-law against mother-in-law. –Luke 12:53

The Eve Curse: Black, Beautiful, and Powerful…..but Still Single

2010-04-11T00:25:00.002-04:00

Where in the world do I start. Can I just say that this is an awkward entry. I think maybe because it is hitting home. Very personal for me.

Ok, so I was reading the new Essence magazine, the one with Jill Scott on the cover (luuuvs me some Jill), and I came across an article entitled, “Why Don’t We Get Married?” It was very interesting. The Essence article stems from a Washington Post article on the state of Black relationships in which there was a quote that said, “all currently single Black people will die alone because there is no hope.” So Essence got a group of singles together, male and female, to shed light on the situation----or I guess to give hope, and solutions to fixing the problem. I was quite surprised at some of the participant’s “solutions” including that we should try to date outside of our race, or that we should switch up our location.

After reading the Essence article, in which I couldn’t finish and ended up tossing the magazine on the sofa cause I figured the third page would be more of a page filler than genuine content, I checked in with Facebook. Interesting, interesting. Someone had posted a video of an ABC piece entitled, “Why Are 42% of Black Successful Women Single?” The video featured several successful, beautiful Black women who discussed what they thought the problem of their status was, but concluded that they had waited so long and refused to settle. None of them could give concrete answers, but there was one sistah that peaked my interest. She simple said that she feels its “the Black Girl curse.”

Hmmmmm……… Interesting.

Ironically, about a year or so ago I was Bible studying Genesis 1-3. Talk about INTERESTING. Anyway, I started studying the fall of Adam and Eve and the serpent, and how Eve was deceived. And I couldn’t help but think that the same thing Eve went through way back then is recycled in to today. See, Eve ate knowledge (not an apple like many people think). And the knowledge made her powerful. Like she was a god. She was able to see good and evil. It opened her eyes. I mean, after her eyes were opened she had no more use for Adam. In fact, she made the decision by herself and then convinced Adam to do the same. It’s the same thing that’s going on today!!!! Somebody whispered in our ears and told us that we were powerful in our own right and that putting our education and careers first (knowledge) would give us a successful life. In Genesis, the Lord told Eve that if she ate of the tree of knowledge she would surely die. And so then today I thought about the Washington Post article that said, “all currently single Black people will die alone because there is no hope”

Ok, now before I go further let me just preface this by saying that I am not against us sistahs pursuing a great education and/or seeking a great profession. No, not at all. Cause thinking about my $100k student loan possibly being a waste sickens me. But what I am saying is that…….WE GOT DUPED!!!! And I firmly believe it’s a curse that originated from Eve in the Garden of Eden.

Let’s talk about the snake that took Eve down. The serpent is a very crafty creature. It poses as an innocent friend, smoozes you, builds up your ego and self-esteem, but then bites you. The serpent’s primary job is to block what God is saying to us, to put us on our own agenda, and to make us miss the promises of God. Unlike the python which is non-poisonous and is intended to block what God is doing in us (very prevalent in the church, that’s another entry) the serpent is poison and so when it bites it is intended to destroy; to kill.

This is prevalent today. We spend a lot of time talking about our Black men in jail, and the divorce rate being up at 50%, and domestic abuse, but those are all outcomes. The Black family is being destroyed by hopelessness and unhappiness because for some odd reason somebody told us that we were entitled to a certain lifestyle in which when we can’t seem to achieve it all hell breaks loose; and our children suffer and make poor choices. And it’s a continuous cycle---a generational curse---that needs to be broken. And I firmly believe that it started with Eve.   And until we truly repent and walk under God's grace, we will continue to carry that curse.

Ok, let me get a little personal. This is very cathartic for me, so please bear---lol. I don’t usually do this cause I firmly believe in keeping my personal business out of the public, but I feel a strong need to express. Ok, so over the years I’ve still been trying to understand what happened with me and my dream man. Talk about a PERFECT, Black brotha. Very successful, a corporate geek with an around-the-way flare, great sense of humor, tall and handsome, and has a heart of gold. Oh, did I mention he not only LOVES the Lord, but too has a personal relationship with Him and serves Him diligently.

Ok, so it was the perfect set-up. We took things very slow, a 2-year building period, really seeking God to know if we were indeed right for each other. I passed the “momma test”, as she too liked me and was praying that we’d be together. I felt strongly about us pursuing a future, as I felt he was too. We had great communication; was able to have no-holes-barred conversations on a regular. But I remember one conversation we had that keeps ringing in my ear. We were discussing our finances and he had pulled his credit report, trying to clean up a past debt. And I remember him jokingly saying, “Jill I got to get it right because with you there’s no room for failure.” I laughed, we both did, but in the back of my mind I kept thinking…..am I really coming off as a perfectionist??????

Months after that, there was a silent understanding that we’d give each other some space to work out our professional situations. He had taken a new position in which required him to travel a lot more, and my position was becoming very tedious in which I was traveling frequently to the west coast. It had come down to communicating by texting only. Making time to see each other was becoming a regular issue.

During that time apart, he started seeing another woman and ended up marrying her on a whim during a trip to Vegas. When I found out I was devastated; speechless; very numb. I couldn’t understand. The pieces just didn’t fit. He wasn’t the man I thought I knew. But when I compared “the wifey” to me, other than she being non-Black (I refuse to go there--lol!!!), we were very similar in accomplishments. Her resume was almost a reflection of mine. When he and I had a chance to talk about it, his only excuse was that he couldn’t tell me what kept us apart and that it baffled him too that he couldn’t get closer to me. That conversation ended with me forgiving him and wishing him well.

Ok, so as soon as I hung up the phone I went into my, “I’m a strong, Black woman and he just couldn’t handle me, and its his loss, and he’ll come crawling back, cause he probably got that chick bowing down to him which I ain‘t doing, blah, blah” self-building antics. To make matters worse, my sisters and girlfriends were my cheerleaders, some going as far as to say that I would be settling with him anyway because he was already a father, and he just didn‘t like that I had a mind of my own. It was a crazy time for me.

For months I took a step back to dig internally. I discovered that there was something in me that was pushing men away. I mean, I had no problem attracting men, and keeping them around for years at a time, but securing them to my future……..nope, couldn’t do it. So I started thinking, could it have been that I was poisonous???? That I carried a curse that he felt was too much of a burden to deal with????? I mean, I knew that he knew if the wifey would have his fried rice ready when he got home, I’d have fried chicken, macaroni and cheese, and collard greens waiting. He KNEW that!!! I mean, if at the end of the day there is no difference in what we’re both bringing externally to the relationship, then it had to be a spiritual problem that drew us apart.   Nobody wants to talk about it because it would seem "spooky spiritual". But the Bible says that everything that happens on earth happens in the spirit realm. And that our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms (Ephesians 6:12).

You know what’s interesting, Tyler Perry’s movie, “Why Did I Get Married Too.” Its interesting that a Black man would write a movie where all of the powerful, professional sistahs had major conflict in their marriages, and the one sistah (Jill Scott) who didn’t have a career had the most solid, accepting each other‘s flaws, flesh-of-my-flesh/bone-of-my-bone marriage. It’s quite interesting; especially coming from a Black man.

So what is the real solution???

Wow!!! I firmly believe that we must first exercise our Spirit man. I mean, we, especially us “professional, Black single women” put a lot of focus on our physical and our mental state, but neglect our Spirit. But then we want to claim we are very balanced. I’m not talking about going to church and getting a motivational message, in which takes me to a contributing factor of “the curse”. Some churches have played significant roles in building up Black women’s self-esteem---ten ways to becoming a better you, and 5 ways to being a powerful woman of God. Those, to me, have done us more harm than good. But I think that just as we secure personal trainers and glam squads and professional mentors, we need to be able to submit under the authority of a Spiritual covering; a pastor and first lady who are going to take one-on-one time to feed us the truth and teach us how to seek God first, not our careers. Its going to take a lot of prayer and fasting to destroy that self-built inner man. With that, I think that we can get some deliverance and be able to establish in our hearts a “must-haves in a man” list that contains core-values, and not superficial characteristics.

Bottomline, one cannot say that they are a Christian and not accept and believe that our primary reason for coming to earth was to help our man. We were made for man, to help him manage the responsibility God had already given to him. That’s really it. We weren’t made to be an Oprah or to die alone.

I love Michelle Obama. Cause all that she had pursued and built on her own, she laid down to follow the lead of her husband. She knew she was powerful, and she knew her worth. In fact, the story that few know is that when she met Barack she was his boss; a very high-powered attorney in Chicago. When he became Senator, she held the fort down; primarily raising their two children. And when he became President, she packed up her life, relocated to an unappealing land, and forfeited her career to submit to the purpose in which God had called her husband to do. Somehow, deep inside, Barack held firmly onto a good woman who he knew would give up it all to support him. I love it when someone asked Michelle if she felt cheated having to give up her life for her husband’s presidency and she answered, “no, not at all.”

"You will not surely die," the serpent said to the woman. "For God knows that when you eat of it your eyes will be opened, and you will be like God, knowing good and evil."   --Genesis 3:4-5

A Marriage Movement

2010-04-06T17:48:00.005-04:00

Ok, so I went to see Tyler Perry’s Why Did I Get Married Too last night. Umph. I could’ve saved my time, and my dime. I usually love TP’s movies, especially the first Why Did I Get Married, but part “too”, uuuuh no. I think my sixteen year old niece said it best…….part “too” was just an extension of the first one, but without marriage counseling. I thought the couples had sorted out their differences, recognized their issues, and were on a track to rebuilding a healthier, stronger marriage from the first one. And so I thought part “too” would show the couples’ strengths as life’s greater challenges tried to get the best of them. Well…….let’s just say a big fat FAILURE in every use of the word concerning marriage.

It’s funny because for the last month or so, there’s been lots of talk around marriage; especially Black marriage. The issues of marriage aren’t foreign to me since anything having to do with marriage has been on my radar for the last few years. As I’ve mentioned numerous times, I actually manage one of the Fed Gov’t marriage education programs. So I’m always on the lookout to how marriage is portrayed in the media; especially Black marriages.

Ok, so last month a friend introduced me to personal friends of hers, Essence bloggers Lamar & Ronnie Tyler of Blackandmarriedwithkids.com. The thought was that I could introduce the Tylers to some of the movers and shakers in the marriage education movement, but to my surprise….they were already connected.

Over dinner, the Tylers shared their passion for portraying healthy Black marriages through the media, in which they have created several documentaries on healthy Black marriages. Can I just say that it was a breath of fresh air? Not just because two people have a passion for tackling a very sticky issue that for some odd reason we don’t want to deal with in our community, but that the two of them were exemplifying a healthy, loving relationship right in my face. If I (in which I didn’t) had any doubts about happy, healthy marriages existing, my doubts have faded since spending time with the Tylers.

Last week, I was honored to attend the premier screening of the Tylers latest project entitled, You Saved Me……..A MUST SEE!!!! Especially if TP’s Why Did I Get Married Too put a bad taste in your mouth concerning marriage. Since the film was sold out with nearly 200 folk having to be turned away, the Tylers will be doing another screening in DC on April 14th (check out their website for tickets and more info).

Ok, so my BFF posted on her Facebook status this morning, “What is the secret to a happy union?” Honestly, I think she likes to hear me express myself concerning relationships and such, but then she threw me for a loop. She addressed, “to all my married friends.”

As I read over the comments, cause I clearly wasn’t qualified to give one, I was amazed by how many people said GOD was the secret to a happy union. I mean, ok granted…..that would be the right thing to say. But as I sat back and read, I wondered how many of those who responded that way really knew why God IS the secret to a happy union. Truth be told…..it ain’t no secret cause its being shouted all over the place. But do people really know why having GOD in their union is the formula to a successful marriage???? I’m not talking about church, I’m talking about GOD!!! Ok, let me just express why I believe God is the best way to maintaining a successful, happy, healthy marriage.

First, if you put God FIRST then you really can’t fail. I hear too many wedding vows where the man and woman make promises to each other. This is an instant set up for failure. I mean, c’mon now. I know the intent is made wholeheartedly, but we are all human. And just as often as the day changes to night, our feelings and moods change as well. When one has developed a true relationship with God and submits and commits himself/herself unto Him, making a vow to God to honor our mate, I can guarantee we will think twice before breaking the vow.

Second, too many folk say they love, but don’t understand that God IS love. There is no way to love a person and not know God cause in essence that is saying that one doesn’t know love. The good thing about God and His love expressed is that He shows us how to do it in His word. The Bible gives us a step-by-step account of what love is in 1 Corinthians 13:4.

Last year for Valentine’s Day I did a self-evaluation if I really knew what it meant to love. And so I put a person’s name in the blank and went down 1 Corinthians 13:4 to see if I truly loved that person and I gotta tell you…….I don’t truly love that many people---lol. Not according to what God says is love.

And last, I’d have to say that the reason why God is the secret to a happy union is because it is not until one is able to expose themselves freely to God that he/she will be able to expose themselves to their mate. It is a divine connection that is unexplainable. Exposing yourself to God will cause you to attract that other person who God is too connected to. Some call it chemistry, others call it soul mates, but I call it a pure gift from God. And when you are able to connect with your mate mind, body, AND soul……there is no way you can fail. Cause LOVE never fails. Cause God NEVER fails. And when you know you can’t fail, that is something to be happy about.

Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails. –1 Corinthians 13:4-8

Forty Years to the Promised Land

2010-03-26T15:12:00.002-04:00

(Deep breath) (Another deep, looooong breath). I’m back!!! I know it’s been a long time since you’ve heard from me, but I needed a break…..from me. I love blogging since it’s so cathartic, but I had to step back from self and allow God to do deep Spiritual therapy in me. The last I vented, I mean blogged, I shared how my Pastor told me I needed a deliverance. Soooooo……..you can say I’ve been, and still going, through the deliverance process. Nothing scary, just need to be broken down from a lot of self walls I have built up over the years. You know how it happens……something detrimental takes place and then we start to put up barricades. In my case, it was something that happened when I was 17. Didn’t even realize it was that big of a deal until the layers started peeling off. Anyway……so that’s where I’ve been for the last few months. But I’m back.

It’s a new year!!!! Can I say that I’m loving it!!!!

Ok, so I turned the big 4-0, yes yes…….(deep breath), I’m FORTY years old now. And as only God could do with His perfect timing, I ended up in Miami on my actual birthday. Back in January and February, my job deployed me to various cities to assist victims returning from Haiti due to the devastating earthquake. I was responsible for ensuring that Haitian orphans were received and placed in the care of their new parents.

So my first deployment was to New Jersey for a few days. And then I went to Orlando, FL for a week. And then I was sent to Miami, FL for three weeks. I sooo needed the time alone in a different environment. Since most of my duties were in the evening I took advantage of having brunch on South Beach every day. Can I say that I had the BEST time ever, alone. I had a chance to think, hear from God, enjoy the weather and sights, eat good food, and make the next plans for my life.

On my birthday, it rained like cats and dogs in Miami. And it was cold. So I chilled in my room, ordered room service, looked at daytime television, and grasped on to perfect peace. I had originally planned to have a 40th birthday bash at home, but as perfect timing would have it, I ended up being in another place. I was even able to duck all the snow!!!

When I returned home, as if something had read my mind……doors and opportunities started opening up everywhere. I’m launching a couple new ventures, in which I’m excited about and…….I’m happy. It’s weird because I imagined that my 40th birthday would be the start of doom and gloom (you know since I’m childless and not married yet); especially thinking back on my 39th birthday. I was soooo sad and depressed. But turning 40 is different. And I like it.

Since turning 40, I’ve had this weird feeling of taking advantage of every opportunity that comes my way. So now if someone invites me somewhere exciting…..I go. And I’m having a ball!!! Things that use to irritate me are now easily dismissed. And if something bothers me enough to wreck my world…..I voice my feelings, and then move on. So if somebody thought I was selfish before……you may not like me now. Not that I’m trying to be selfish, it’s just that I’m on assignment and I ain’t trying to defer it any longer. It is confirmed that I don’t beat to nobody’s drum but my own. And God is my conductor.

Another thing…..

I’m now more time conscious. Meaning that not only do I take advantage of opportunities that can be once in a lifetime experiences, I’m more conscious of how and where I’m spending my time. I give a little of me to all of the things that adds to the quality of my life: home, loved ones, church, social, work, gym, etc. I no longer spend goobs and gobs of time in one place. Nope. I diversify. And I like it this way.

Over my hiatus, I read a book called “The Richest Man Who Ever Lived”. The book is an overview of the life of King Solomon. It gives great principles, as detailed in the Book of Proverbs, on how to live a successful and prosperous life. And one of the things that the book talked about was that if someone controls your time or money….you’re basically out of the perfect will of God.

After reading the book, I just got real time conscious; especially as it relates to my day job. I sat back and added up the time devoted to my job and it calculated to more than 60 hours per week---that’s including the commute. I was floored!!!! So I made some adjustments. Nope, I’m no longer governed by my job’s leave system. When I need to be off……I take off!! I mean, how you gone tell me when to be sick???? Shucks, if I don’t have the leave……dock my pay!!!! I’m telling you….this forty-thing has changed my attitude. Or maybe it’s the deliverance---lol. Don’t quite know…..just know that it feels darn good.

That’s where I am these days. Just sitting back and enjoying life. Hate to admit this, but just over the last few weeks I realized how blessed I am. I mean, I’m healthy, happy, got a great support circle; I can get in my car and drive wherever I want (when I want), and my finance are finally falling in place. Not nearly where I want to be, but I’m no longer in the mood to mope about where I’m not.

Again, its good to be back and you will be hearing from me regularly.

“I am with you and will watch over you wherever you go, and I will bring you back to this land. I will not leave you until I have done what I have promised you.” --Genesis 28:15

He Speaks!!!

2009-12-11T10:48:00.000-05:00

Whew!! Seems like forever since I logged in. Truth is……a lot has been going on. And since it’s the holidays an extra-lot is going on---lol. You know with the family and my loved ones and all. And us being true-blue holiday people. But other than that, I’ve been real distant from my house cause I’ve been on the go. Church is definitely my second home now.

Had a meeting with my pastor last week and he hit me with a ton of bricks. He said he saw some things in the Spirit that I needed to “be delivered from”. I tried to convince him that I was next to perfect, but he just looked at me like I was really crazy and like I needed more deliverance than he saw---LOL. But one thing I know without doubt is that my pastor cares a lot about his flock. So I followed his instructions and asked the Lord to give me the revelation. Whew…..why did I ask that??? Over the weekend the Lord revealed it to me and ummmmm it’s heavy.

For the last week or so, I’ve been doing a lot of praying and fasting. And you know how I do when I’m in deep intimacy with the Lord……yes yes I refrain from the internet including blogging. Soooooo……………………if you don’t hear from me its only because the Lord has my full and undivided attention. I don’t want to miss NOTHING He is saying to me. Got it? Good. I’ll try to check in a couple more times before the holidays. But I can’t promise.

The man who has accepted it has certified that God is truthful. For the one whom God has sent speaks the words of God, for God gives the Spirit without limit. The Father loves the Son and has placed everything in his hands. ---John 3:33-35

Can YOU Hear Me Now!!!

2009-11-30T15:52:00.001-05:00

Ok, I got a new millennium shock over the weekend. For some odd reason, my cell phone went dead. That wouldn’t be so bad if my cable wasn’t out. Yep, on last Wednesday, the day before Thanksgiving, I got home only to find that I had no television. When I went to turn on the T.V. in my room it was blank. Staring confused I then ran into the living room and that too was blank. I was pissed.

After running around the city on Thanksgiving Eve looking for a ham, yeah my mother sprung on the “just bring a ham” at the last minute, by the time I got home it was way too late to call Comcast. So I spent the evening reading the new Allure magazine and fell asleep mid-way through.

On Thanksgiving morning, after spending some time on the phone with “E”, I got dressed, packed up the ham, packed my clothes, and headed to Waldorf to spend Thanksgiving with my family.

On Friday, I had to work. But since my oldest sister is still in Ghana, I decided to take my 10 year-old niece to work with me. I had the day planned…….set her up in an empty cubicle, keep her busy so that I could finish my project that is due this week. At lunchtime I had a little surprise for my niece. Since we were downtown, I took her to the National Museum of African Art, then to the new pizza joint to get some lunch. The day was perfect. And we had fun. We even got caught in the rain and laughed and screamed as we got soaked.

On Friday, the day went swiftly. By the time we looked up it was well after 4:00 p.m. So we packed up and jumped on the train back to my mother’s. I had to make a mad dash in since I needed to freshen up for Friday evening service at church. By the time I got to church I was exhausted, but I was determined to stay the entire service. And I’m glad I did because my Pastor did a special “praying over the mantle” service.

But then I thought about something…….I had forgotten to call Comcast!!!

Saturday morning I got up to do my Saturday-thingy and while I was out and about I remembered that I needed to call Comcast. As I sat in my car I called for a service tech only to discover that the first available date for repair wouldn’t be until mid-week. My heart sank. No T.V. all weekend!!!! But what made matters worse is that Comcast holds the magic key to my home-entertainment. I got one of those stupid bundle packages. So when the cable is out, so are the internet and my home phone. So I was stuck. And frustrated. Cause I really wanted to stay home and chill. It had been a while since I’ve been home the entire weekend without an agenda, and I wanted to spend a great portion of my weekend catching up on some T.V. Or at least surf the net. But nope it couldn’t happen.

On Sunday after church, usually I’d rush home to take an afternoon nap, watch my favorite religious programming, and get up about 5pm-ish to get ready for the work week. But I had no television to go home to and it just seemed a little lonely and boring. So I decided to have brunch with my sisters-in-Christ at Busboys and Poets.

After we’d finished, as I was riding home, I decided to scan my missed emails on my cell and listen to missed messages. I also sent out a few text messages. When I got home I was soooo exhausted. So I took a quick shower, and then got in the bed. Then I heard my cell phone vibrating. As I went to answer it, it wouldn’t pick up. Then it died out. So I put it on the charger and even though it “came back to life”, it wouldn’t allow me to dial. I could not figure the darn thing out. Then the phone rang again and I could see that it was my mother calling me. And then the light indicated that she left a message. I panicked because my mother NEVER leaves messages. But I couldn’t answer it.

So I threw on some jeans and my jacket and I drove to the 7-11 to use the pay phone. Of course my mother didn’t want anything major, but I got frustrated. I mean, not that I wanted it to be major, but that I was inconvenienced. I explained to her what happened---that I was going crazy not having no way to communicate; especially in case of emergency. After I hung up with her, I made a few more calls at the pay phone and then went back in the house. All night my phone was buzzing like crazy. Some I could see who was calling and others I couldn’t. I was going ballistic.

This morning, my mother called me at work to check on me. After Sprint told me that I couldn’t get a replacement for another 2-3 days, and Comcast not being able to get out until Wednesday I sorta slowed my anger down; patience started kicking in. But my mother said something to me this morning that is still ringing in my ear. After I told her that I had NOTHING, she responded with……. “well you got Jesus!!”

I remember when rapper Lil Kim was going to jail she made a comment that I never forgot. She said that you never know that Jesus is all you need, until He is all you have. And that is sooooo true. My situation could have been another way, but He knows what He is doing.

See, most would look at this situation as God being mad or God not working for my good, but actually He is. See, I firmly believe that the Lord took all of my communication-entertainment vehicles away so that I could spend some intimate time with HIM. I’m sure He’s been missing me since I’ve been on my own agenda the last couple of weeks. Being without my phones, television, and internet allows me time to read my Word. And put in some quality prayer time. And that’s exactly what I plan to do this evening.

Never lag in zeal and in earnest endeavor; be aglow and burning with the Spirit, serving the Lord. Rejoice and exult in hope; be steadfast and patient in suffering and tribulation; be constant in prayer. –Romans 12:11-12

It Takes a Village

2009-11-24T11:23:00.003-05:00

I got up this morning feeling ucky, sluggish. Probably had something to do with that burger I ate last night. I hate eating late and lying down on a full stomach. Anyway…..ain’t nothing a little prayer couldn’t cure. When I got in the shower I asked the Lord to take away the ill mood and by the time I put my clothes on I was skipping around the house. My joy is back!!

Ok, so as I was riding the Metro this morning coming into work I witnessed a rare incident. There was a Caucasian family (looked like mother, father, small child, grandparents, and aunt and uncle) riding the Metro downtown. Apparently, they must have been tourists because they were looking around in amazement and held their farecards in their hands as not to lose them. The little boy who looked to be four years old was excited. He was riding on the train and although the train was crowded he was still…….a little boy.

After a few minutes, an old man sat in the seat next to the little boy but the little boy kept fidgeting in his seat. I could tell that the old man’s patience was being tested. At one turn the little boy would hold on tight and make noise, and when the train sped up the little boy tried to stand up. The old man who obviously looked like he was considering immediate retirement, put his book away as he couldn’t concentrate. Without missing a scene, the little boy’s father looked across the aisle at his son and said, “park it!” The little boy’s face was disappointed, but he sat down and parked it. He was so still he looked like he didn't want to move his head to look at his mother. In fact, when it was time for them to get off the train, 12 stops later, the little boy’s mother had to wake him up.

I wanted to get up and hug and kiss that little boy’s father. I really did. Because he only needed to speak one time to get his child’s full attention. The little boy didn’t even gripe back. He was sooo obedient. He obviously knows his father--the commander-in-chief. And I was even more impressed that his mother didn’t rescue him. Usually moms console their children after the dad whips out the authority. But she supported her husband’s orders. And so did the grandparents, and aunt and uncle. And I was loving every minute of it.

Over this past weekend, I was having a conversation with one of my long time girlfriends. I’m the Godmother of her son, and also served as a bridesmaid in her wedding. As we were catching up, she told me something so profound. She said that you can tell the true character of a person by the way their children act. I thought long and hard about her statement and had to agree that children are the fruit of their parents. So all weekend I kept thinking about all of the people I know with children and then thought about them and their children and said to myself……WOW!!!

I have a confession to make. I have to admit that one of the things I looked at when I joined my church was my Pastor and First Lady's family dynamic. I remember seeing my Sr. Pastor’s (who is my First Lady's father) teenage son praying earnestly in the corner one Sunday and said to myself……this is the church I want to be at. And I mean, ALL of their children are living for God. And their personal relationship with God is quite evident.

As I thought about that little boy on the train this morning it came to me that it truly takes a village to raise a child. My oldest sister is in Africa for a couple of weeks and so my 10 year old niece is left in the care of the entire family. Several of us have our scheduled days to stay at my sister’s so that my niece will not miss school.

Over the weekend, I was on duty. And so I had to take my niece with me to my church meeting on Saturday. After the meeting a few people complimented my niece’s mannerism and behavior. And although I wanted to take the credit, because I gave her precise instructions to sit on the sofa and read her book, it is my sister and brother-in-law who have instilled great values in her. And we, the family, support them. My sister makes it clear that her household is not a democracy, but a dictatorship. My niece doesn’t make decisions and neither does my sister try to be my niece’s friend. She’s the mother and what she says goes. And because it’s an understanding that was established in the womb, my niece knows no other way.

This Thanksgiving I am truly thanking God for my family raising great offspring. I have wonderful nieces and nephews in whom we have all raised. Any of them know that they can call me if they need some motivation/and or straight talk, or they can call my other sister if they need some educational advice (she's a teacher), or they can call my aunt in New York if they need spiritual guidance (she's a Pastor's wife), or they can call my mother if they need money, or they can call whoever to get whatever.

There’s no “I’m a single parent” excuse that is tolerated in my family. My mother was going through a divorce when I was born and so my grandparents and great-grandparents stepped in. My sisters were also single parents, but they survived because we all did our part. I’m proud that we have made a silent pact that we would get all of the kids to college. So far, so good. There have been bumps along the way, but we’re not giving up on our children. They're all mannerable and respectful, and walk a tightrope. Cause we ain’t having it no other way.

Train a child in the way he should go, and when he is old he will not turn from it. –Proverbs 22:6

Is It Worth It??????

2009-11-17T16:26:00.000-05:00

Sometimes I sit back and wonder what’s the difference between the saved and the unsaved---other than eternal life? I mean, some of us saved folk are praying for countless things that the unsaved seem to get effortlessly. I mean, I don’t ask for big stuff just that my bills are paid, a good man to laugh/live with, a happy/healthy family, and a few splurges every now and again. With that…..I’m good. But the unsaved seems to have that too---and much more.

You know what…..as I’m typing, the word SEEMS is jumping out. I know this is jumping a little to the left, but is it just me or do y’all freak out when couples who seem to have the best relationships make the “we’re splitting” announcement? I’m always like…… “but y’all seemed so happy.” But it’s the behind the scenes that I guess we overlook. I guess we, or I, base blessings off of what SEEMS to be right. But I know that’s a fallacy. Cause I refuse to believe that living for Christ is more of a disadvantage here on earth than an advantage.

But sometimes…….sometimes the human side will be boastful and step up with the “now what” attitude. I mean, I do know couples who are keeping their marriage/relationships in tact and ain’t living for God. Well, they claim to be but they bear no fruit. And I do know folk with successful careers and are able to vacation all around the world at moment’s notice. And I do know folk who laugh hysterically and every night is a celebration or night on the town. And again, they ain’t living for God.

So I ask again……what is the difference between the saved and the unsaved here on earth?

I’ve been working on a real estate deal for the last five months. I have a $600,000 house on the market that has been marked down to an affordable $399,000. And the house will not sell. I’ve been showing it every weekend since June, and trying to do follow-up calls with agents. I’ve completed all the paperwork, spoke and pleaded with the bank (oh, did I mention…..it’s a short-sale), and have been a strong shoulder for my clients to cry on because uhhh, time is running out and their credit is in serious jeopardy. Not to mention their dream is slowly pouring down the drain.

According to my calculations, I could walk away with a nice $12,000 commission if indeed the house sells, which brings me to my current financial situation……not real good these days. I mean, I still live comfortable----a cute, cozy condo in a nice zip code. And I still am able to drive my dream car. And I still eat whatever the heck I want for dinner. But I have little room to do extras. I mean, I can’t just on a whim say…….. “I’m hopping a flight to the Bahamas this weekend with my girls.” No, no, no. Its been a while since I had that flexibility in my finances. Nor can I afford to plan a nice holiday dinner party for family and close friends. Shucks, in fact…….I think gift giving will be deferred again this year. I just don’t have it like that these days.

December is a funny month. Its like……. “let’s make all the unplanned bills due for Jill in December and give her a short deadline so that we can mess up her mood for the holidays.” Ok, did I mention that this time of year is my FAVORITE!!! Well, it is. So just like clock work……I got hit with some wild, unplanned bills.

A couple of days ago, I got hit with a personal property tax bill for several hundred bucks that is due by December 3rd. The funny thing is I don’t ever remember paying for additional taxes outside of my property taxes in which my mortgage company pays directly. Then, I was sent a doctor bill for a minor procedure I had done back in July that I thought my insurance had paid. That was another couple hundred dollars.

In the beginning of the year when I had a few extra bucks I did something unusual and eliminated all of my monthly fixed bills for the year. I got real comfortable not paying those extra monthly bills, but got a wake-up call when State Farm Insurance sent me a $1,000 bill to renew my insurance that is due…….in December.

If bills piling on bills ain’t enough……everybody and their momma seem to have me on their celebration invitation list. From baby showers to farewell celebrations to birthday bashes to housewarmings to homegoings……..I’m invited. And though I love celebrating with folk….especially with down home good folk, I always feel obligated to not attend empty handed. Those too are unplanned and unexpected expenses that could drive a sistah crazy.

Ok, so yesterday I got an offer on my listing. Yaay! Yep, a real good offer. And it accompanies some good buyers with a good buyer’s agent. I like working with competent folk in this real estate business. It’s just less drama. Those type of agents, me priding myself for being one, know that it could be a win/win/win/win situation across the board if we play the cards right. All was in place. But then I got hit. With another bill. And this one was serious.

Somehow in all of my personal/business financial mess……I overlooked paying my Realtor Association dues which was due in September. Just as an FYI, not that you care, but if one doesn’t pay their dues/fines……uh your license will be revoked immediately. So I get a call from my broker saying that if I don’t pay $600 bucks by December 15th then…….my license will be revoked. In a perfect world that would be a-ok because……I got an offer that could put several thousand dollars in my pocket making it a drop in the bucket to pay my dues. But since I ain’t living in a perfect world this doesn’t apply. See, the offer is scheduled to close on January 15, 2010. That’s one month later than I need it to be.

So I called my broker back and inquired about this pending deal that is due to close a month after my license is to be revoked if I don’t pay the dues. And he simply replied, “Jill it is against the law to pay a commission to a non-realtor.” My heart sank. But then it sank even more because he said that my deal will be handed over to another agent in the office…..in which he/she would get the commission. (Deep breath) that’s my six months of work down the drain. Again, that’s $12,000 I would lose out on.

So I ask again……what is the difference between the saved and the unsaved here on earth?

I’ll tell you what the difference is………it’s the peace of God. Can I say that I ain’t worried!!!! I’ve said this time and time again that living for Christ has many, many benefits and rewards that at certain times it doesn’t feel like it. But if for no other reward or benefit, the peace of God is worth living for Christ. I mean, I got bills that can make or break me that are due in the next 30 days, but I’m at peace. In addition to that, its some other serious issues that I’m going through personally that just hit in the last few weeks that have changed my life. But I’m good. As a matter of fact, my Facebook status this morning read, “Feeling real good this morning.” I love the peace of God.

[pause]

Ok, let me tell you how God works!!!! I was about to end the last paragraph and insert one of my favorite scriptures to close this entry but I got a phone call from my broker. Why dude just tell me not to worry about getting the money to pay my dues because he’ll close my deal for me and “gift” me the commission. Tell me God ain’t good!!!!!!! That’s why I live for Him. I can’t think of no other way to live!!!!

May the God of peace, who through the blood of the eternal covenant brought back from the dead our Lord Jesus, that great Shepherd of the sheep, equip you with everything good for doing his will, and may he work in us what is pleasing to him, through Jesus Christ, to whom be glory for ever and ever. Amen. –Hebrews 13:20-21

Say What?!?!?

2009-11-13T11:17:00.000-05:00

(Deep breath). Did I mention that a prophet from Africa was in town and running a revival at my church? Did I mention that the prophet is so deep that he calls out names, addresses, telephone numbers, license plates, and more??? Well, the prophet was here and he went through our church and cleaned house!!!! My pastor told us that by the time the prophet left we would never be the same. And its soooo true. Within one week my life has changed.

I think that I mentioned a dream I had back in 2004 in one of my entries. Actually, I’m sure I did. Probably in an entry last year. But just to recap the dream……I dreamt that I was about to marry this guy and we were standing at the altar just he and I, and his mom. His mom loooooved me. She really wanted us to work. But when I looked at the guy he was actually a little boy. In fact, in the dream I could see that his tux was too big for him.

Anyway…..so in the dream me and the “little boy” were standing at the altar and apparently there were some doubts because in reality I ain’t marrying nobody if my loved ones can’t be there; especially if his loved one---his mother---was there. But apparently there were some doubts or issues in the dream because the church was empty. Over the years as I tried to make some sense of the dream, the mother was apparently trying to counsel us---perhaps trying to mend an issue before the wedding. I don’t know. All I know is that I ran out of the church and into the rain. As I was running through the rain, I was also running in mud. But my wedding dress would not get muddy. My white dress stayed clean.

Then in that same dream……the scene switched. This time I was in a luxury car; in fact it was a champaign-colored Rolls Royce. And I was riding in it with my husband. Apparently, he and I had just gotten married and was riding from the church to the reception. I was soooo happy. I was in love with this man. But when I looked at him he was an older man. Almost like he was old enough to be my father. And although I was extremely happy with him, I was sad. It was such a mixed emotion that I couldn’t understand.

In reality, over the years, me and my girlfriends tried to analyze the dream. It is quite obvious that the guy I was going to marry at first symbolized “childishness” and the guy that I ended up with symbolizes “maturity”. But what I couldn’t understand was the mixed emotion part. I couldn’t understand that if I was so happy, what was making me so sad.

Anybody who knows me knows that I am very, very careful in making decisions. I’m very much into being true to myself and not jumping into situations just to go with the flow or because its “the right thing to do.” I’m not one to ignore the warning signs and I will halt a “good thing” if it doesn’t feel right to me. The only thing that trumps my personal feelings about an issue or situation is if I know that I know I am hearing from God. In saying that…….it is very understandable why I left the childish guy at the altar in the dream.

Before I go any further, let me just say that the first part of the dream actually unfolded and revealed itself to me over the last two years---lol. Yes, yes……the guy, the mother and her love for us, the halt in the relationship, and me running out has all come to reality in the last two years. And I now feel like I am in the part of the dream where I’m running through the rain in the mud, but am not getting dirty.

Ok, so the prophet came to my church last week. I’d like to think that I’m pretty in tuned to myself--lol. I’m a very introspective type of individual. If there is an issue I look within me first before I attack outside. Ok, at least I try to---lol. Solving the problem in me is my heart’s desire. If there is an issue I seek God for direction cause normally if I can admit my fault and take ownership of any wrong I did it usually smoothes things over. I’m learning that I have no control over the other. But if I come correct with God I know that at least my side is clear. So if the prophet was to tell me anything about me I know it has to be confirmation to what I already know. Cause not a lot get pass me---lol.

Please bear with me. I’m jumping from subject to subject but I promise you it will all come together at the end.

Anyway……so a few weeks ago me and one of my best girlfriends had a disagreement. It’s nothing unusual for us to disagree on an issue, but this disagreement was deep. Not the subject of the disagreement, but the actions and motives behind the disagreement. It was really, really weird. It almost felt like a dark force was orchestrating it. It felt beyond my control. To me it just didn’t make sense. So I prayed about it and asked God for direction. He gave it to me and I proceeded how I was instructed. But it kinda made it worse. Usually when issues like this occur I take my hands off and withdraw. Because I know it’s an issue working in the spiritual realm.

For we do not wrestle against flesh and blood, but against principalities, against powers, against the rulers of the darkness of this age, against spiritual hosts of wickedness in the heavenly places. --Ephesians 6:12

For the past few weeks I have been totally silent. I took my hands off and I sat still. I didn’t call, nor did I make any contact with my girlfriend. I withdrew and was actually at peace with it. Another girlfriend who is friends with the both of us actually called me and we discussed the issue somewhat. The physical side of me needed to vent. It was harmless for I know that the girlfriend I vented to is a confidant and she’s not going to take sides. In fact, she’ll give it to me straight. Strange thing is that she too was speechless and had nothing to say.

So then Sunday came. Sunday, Sunday. Sunday was supposed to be the last day that the prophet was to be at my church. I wasn’t expecting a prophecy although everybody and their momma was getting one. I was content and happy to hear everybody else’s prophecies----especially the ones he gave to my sister.

Anyway, so I was sitting in the back of the church and the prophet instructed the congregation to walk up to the altar and place our car keys in his hand, but take them back immediately. Now….out of ALLLLLL the people in the church, two of us car keys fell to the floor---me and another lady’s. So the prophet called the lady back up and he prophesied over her. And then he called me up. What he told me broke my heart. Let me just say that I am not led to tell the prophecy on this public medium, but I will say that the sadness I felt in my dream as I was celebrating my marriage with my husband was the same sadness I felt when the prophet revealed to me about a certain person I held dear in my life. The reason why I was sad in the dream was because the person I thought would be happy to share in my happiness and joy is not at all happy for me.

My prayer is always that the Lord will not only open doors, but that He would CLOSE doors too. Sometimes we must allow doors to close in order to get to where God wants to take us.

.........And we have the word of the prophets made more certain, and you will do well to pay attention to it, as to a light shining in a dark place, until the day dawns and the morning star rises in your hearts. Above all, you must understand that no prophecy of Scripture came about by the prophet's own interpretation. For prophecy never had its origin in the will of man, but men spoke from God as they were carried along by the Holy Spirit. –2 Peter 1:18-21

A Deeper Relationship

2009-11-02T20:51:00.004-05:00

Lord knows I ain’t try’na confess no sickness……..but my back and neck hurt. Its hard to tell if its sinus stuff or just plain ole body ache from serving God. I mean, I literally praised God last night in church until I had a black and blue knot on my knee when I got home. Don’t know if it was from kneeling on my knees in prayer or if it was after my pastor laid hands on me from behind that I fell under the anointing. All I know is that I hurt today. So much so that I couldn’t go to work.

Ok, so I had been thinking about something for the last few days and am now just beginning to write about it; you know…..release. Ok, so I think I finally figured something out about church folk. Call me slow, but I’m just able to get the revelation. It’s the difference between quantity and quality Christians. I think in the last few years we’ve identified the dividing line in Christianity between those who have religion and those who have relationship. Of course, relationship is what we really need. Back in the Bible days they called religious people Pharisees. But now that the church realizes we need relationship over religion we still have to dig a little deeper because there are those who measure their relationships in terms of quantity and those who really seek a quality relationship with the Lord. There are two types of Christians. And one of us is in trouble----as T.D. Jakes would say.

Ok, so I have this sister-in-Christ who I firmly believe loves the Lord, but I think there is a battle in her to be validated or recognized as a true Christian; a true example of a Christian. And I say this because…….well, the Bible says that we are judged by the fruits we bear. But instead of allowing the Lord to break her so that He can work fully in her---you know really showing the character of God and not a super Christian---she boasts about her interactions with God. Ok, I don’t know how to put it in words. Basically, she shines her light instead of letting her light shine. These type of people come off very cocky and arrogant, and not having the true nature of God upon their lives. And I firmly believe that the best witness we can have is by allowing God to work through us, not us working Him in us according to our selfishness. In other words, a lot of us can see straight through her.

For instance, she’ll say stuff like…….. “I have been praying before the Lord for eight hours straight.” Or, “I fast every Tuesday from 6:00 a.m.-6:00 p.m.” Or, my favorite……. “For the last month I have been praying from midnight to 3:00 a.m.” Nothing at all wrong with this because when you come to the point where you can sustain physically and Spiritually for that long in your pursuit with God, it can be a little boastful. I’ve been there. I remember when I did my first all-nighter; 24 hours to be exact. I was hyped. I even blogged about it. The flesh gives you some golden bragging rights. But then I felt stupid. Cause c’mon……this is your intimacy with God. I mean, to me its already a little weird sharing your personal time in a boastful way, but then to put a clock on it……well, I have my thoughts about this. That’s like me saying to whoever……… “me and my husband make love every Friday morning for two hours straight.” I don’t know what’s worse…….me boasting about it to everyone or me having a clock on it. It really makes one wonder………how much of a quality relationship do they have if its confined?

Soooo……….I’ve noticed that there are a lot of Christians who measure their relationships in terms of quantity. If its not how much time they spend with the Lord, its how long they stay in church on Sunday. Or how many days per week they are in church. And then the new thing……how much money they gave. And the church supports this. A few years back, somebody told me that their pastor posts the non-tithers in the church bulletin, and how much others give in offerings (very blank stare). I mean, why???????

You know what I’ve learned over the last few days…….that God is not bound by time or money. God is timeless and priceless!!! Meaning, I can pray for seven minutes (or however long cause I don’t time it) and get a prayer through before somebody who have been praying for seven hours. Not comparing, but my point is that God doesn’t have a clock sitting beside Him on the throne saying, “Jill you have to pray 30 more seconds before I hear you and grant your desire.” But I think that’s what we are getting caught up in.

Ok, let me give it to you straight. What matters in prayer and fasting is that you get a breakthrough!!! I mean, the discipline and all is nice, but the bottomline is……did God hear me. And you’ll know when you get it. I was in prayer today and like all of my prayer time it starts off a little routine with thanking Him and the normal….. “please bless my family, my home, my finances, etc.” But when I present the thing that is really on my heart like asking the Lord to forgive me for something I did or said over the weekend I pray hard, most times in tongues, until I get that breakthrough. Or I can just be in prayer worshiping God, not asking for nothing just thanking Him for His goodness. And I’ll get my breakthrough. And I know when I get it because I start crying and it is like I’m releasing everything over to Him and He’s taking it from me. And then I feel light. And at peace. And secure. And that may happen on a Friday night, Monday morning, at lunch time, or whenever. I’m not keeping tabs. And I’m surely not counting.

[The purpose is] that through the church the complicated, many-sided wisdom of God in all its infinite variety and innumerable aspects might now be made known to the angelic rulers and authorities (principalities and powers) in the heavenly sphere. This is in accordance with the terms of the eternal and timeless purpose which He has realized and carried into effect in [the person of] Christ Jesus our Lord, in Whom, because of our faith in Him, we dare to have the boldness (courage and confidence) of free access (an unreserved approach to God with freedom and without fear). --Ephesians 3:10-12

The Good Book

2009-10-27T15:31:00.003-04:00

Have I mentioned that I’m a book junkie? I know I have in this blog. Books are like potato chips to me. I can’t (buy) just one. And I luuuuv going to the bookstore. I mean, I can go to the bookstore and buy four and five books at a time with no problem. And the Christian bookstore…….oh forget it! I am addicted to the Christian bookstore. I love the Potomac Adventist Bookstore in Silver Spring. I mean, absolutely love it. There’s always a book signing or treat sampling going on. I just love the environment of that store with such a HUGE variety of all types of Christian literature.

But this morning I got sorta a revelation. Ok, actually I got it a couple of nights ago. But this morning it hit me. Every morning I have my television tuned on Christian programming. And every morning it seems like there is a guest promoting his/her Christian book. Ain’t nothing wrong with that just as long as the motives are right. But what I find is that everybody wants to sell their interpretation of the Word of God.

So this morning, I received a revelation that said to me it is in each individual’s studying of the Word that the Lord will speak. One can read the same scripture 10 times, but it may be on that 11th time that the reader “hears” the Lord speak. The only book a Christian need to follow is the Word of God. The Word of God is life. It is amazing how it is written and orchestrated and arranged. The Word had to be inspired and Spiritually written by God because if you go deep you will find some astounding stuff.

For instance, I was watching Pastor Joseph Prince in the wee hours of the morning a few weeks ago. And he was teaching on grace. I had already known that the number 5 represents God’s grace. But he taught something that was so profound. At least it was my first time hearing it. What he said was that in many stories in the Bible when the story mentioned the character’s name the fifth time it was mentioned as God was showing His grace to that character.

So Naomi returned, and Ruth the Moabitess, her daughter-in-law, with her, who returned from the country of Moab. And they came to Bethlehem at the beginning of barley harvest. –Ruth 1:22

In the Book of Ruth, when Ruth’s name was mentioned the fifth time it was when the Lord had laid upon Naomi’s heart to allow Ruth to go back with her to her land. Grace. Joseph Prince had given other examples such as Job, but because the Book of Ruth is probably my favorite Old Testament book I clung on to it.

But that was a revelation the Lord gave to Joseph Prince. And although he shared it with the audience, and although some of us grasped it, it was indeed a revelation for him. But Prince shared it with us, not transferring it into another book and selling the revelation in which God gave him.

Soooo, my thought today is…….why do we feel the need to repackage and sell God’s Word????? Where did this come from? There are so many formats today in which Christians can get the Gospel out for free. There's is Facebook, My Space, and even blogging. But to write one's revelation of the Word, doll it up with a nice cover, and sell it makes me wonder now. I mean, I realize that the Bible can be a little difficult to grasp and understand, and that some people’s books help to interpret the Bible. But I firmly believe that that is the whole idea of getting into the Word......to gain understanding of whom God is and who He wants us to be. Its almost like dating. We don't know everything up front, and it may be intimidating. But when you are studying that person and trying to get to know that person, that is what builds a solid relationship. I mean, can I ever build a relationship with someone through somebody else's opinion of the person??????

I remember when I came across the scripture…… “For what shall it profit a man to gain this whole world, but lose his own soul (Mark 8:36)”, I started crying. That scripture spoke deep to me when I first read it, and it still does. But then to come across the story of the wealthy man in the New Testament who was the ONLY person to come into Jesus’ presence, but left worse than when he came. I was speechless. That revelatory knowledge changed my life! It changed how I viewed money. Sometimes I’d be reading the Word and be like………WHAT!!!!!

But I love books. And I’d be the first to admit that I love teachings from Christian scholars. I really do. Especially, John Bevere. But I have to get to the point where reading my Bible is the only book I read; cause its the only book I need (promise you I ain't trying to rhyme--lol). And I know that the Lord has soooo much more He wants to reveal to me. But through His Word, not through a third-party source.

“Consider carefully what you hear,” he continued. “With the measure you use, it will be measured to you—and even more.” –Mark 4:24

I Worship You

2009-10-23T11:15:00.005-04:00

Happy Friday!!! I’m so glad the weekend is here. Not a lot planned, but the fact that I won’t be on a clock thrills me.

Anyway, so I was listening to Gospel radio this morning and heard the remix to the old 1980s hit, “Work it Out.” Back in the day we used to jam to that song, especially on the part that says………telephone’s disconnect; waiting for my next paycheck; baby need a pair of shoes; momma got a light bill too; WORK IT OUT. But on the remix---the millennium version (lol)---the same singer talks about the same woes although her baby is now all grown up. But I was listening to the remix, in which I hear on the radio all the time, and there’s one part that baffles me. It’s the part where she says she went out the country with her pastor and her choir, but when she got back home there was a foreclosure notice on her door.

Ok, the last thing I want to bang over somebody’s head is the unfortunate choices we’re forced to make in this recession. Being a Realtor, I’ve seen the crooked deals mortgage brokers do just to get people in homes. Thank God…….NONE of my clients has faced or is facing foreclosure. It’s a serious matter that is almost uncontrollable. And so perhaps this singer was a victim of a mortgage scam. Don't know.

But what baffles me is……..why in the heck are you out the country doing “God’s work” when you have home issues you need to take care of?????????????????????? I always wondered about that. Do you pay your mortgage/rent or do you use the money to do “God’s work”? I promise you that what’s on my mind is not about what we think God wants us to do with our money. I promise you--lol.

What is on my mind is…….doing God’s work.

My Associate Pastor said something a couple of weeks ago that is stuck in my head. Every other hour it seems like I’m questioning motives----mostly mine. What he said was that we, as Christians, have to be careful and cognizant of what and who we are worshipping in ministry. He said that there is such a fine line in worshipping God that if we’re not careful we can begin to worship the things of God without realizing it. I love how he gave the example of music ministries and how if we're not careful we can begin to worship the worship.

I was browsing the web and came across a church ministry that boasted they have the best praise and worship. Wow. So now we’re worshipping…….praise and worship. Wow. Then I was watching TBN the other day and heard the commentator comment on their competing station’s slogan of……. “the fastest growing faith-based station in the world.” The commentator made a valid point that it doesn’t even matter who’s growing the fastest. The question is……are we growing in God?????? I’d hate to think that the competitors are worshiping the Christian station in which God blessed them with, but you never know.

Over the last month or so, the Lord revealed to me how He wants me positioned to fulfill His purpose in me. I’m ecstatic and have been busy, busy, busy making plans and preparing budgets and talking to vendors and so forth. But I had to stop myself. I had to slow down and reassess. Because I felt like I was getting to the place where I was worshipping the plan of God and neglecting my worship time WITH God. I can be very rigid and focused. And so when I am tasked to do something I can barely see what’s outside of what I’m doing. That’s a problem. A major problem. But thank God for His Holy Spirit because this week I started to feel really distant from the Lord and I hate feeling like that. It was as if the Holy Spirit tugged at my arm and said........ummmm, you need to focus over here. So I had to pull back from my task.

I was watching the biography of the Newsboys, a Christian rock group from Europe, the other day. These guys are awesome!!! They make awesome music and have really touched the lives of their audiences. But they gave their testimony of how for years they were on tour over 300 nights a year and how they were in heavy demand. But things were happening individually in their lives. One’s marriage was falling apart, another got hooked on alcohol (can you believe that!!), and another was going through a depression. Because what they found out was that their passion for ministering through music could not fill the void. The lead singer expressed that he had come to the point where he had to stop performing because he was worshipping the ministry God had given him. He said they were so engrossed with “bringing others to Christ through their music” that they were neglecting intimacy with the God.

You know, when we think of idolatry I believe we think of worshipping buddah, or zen, or that lady figure (can’t think of her name). But idolatry is anything that comes before God. It can be as innocent as a loved one----spouses and children and friends. Or the things God have blessed us with like businesses and homes and cars and money. And surprisingly, it can be church and ministry. I see people all the time getting so wrapped in “their” ministry that they lose focus of the Creator. It’s a deep thing when we are worshipping the things of God and not realizing that God isn’t really getting the glory out of it. And I think when this happens we block the way in which God wants to move in our lives---for HIS purpose. And eventually we end up failing. Umph.

“If you ever forget the LORD your God and follow other gods and worship and bow down to them, I testify against you today that you will surely be destroyed.” –Deuteronomy 8:19

Nevertheless

2009-10-19T12:31:00.003-04:00

You know you’ve grown in the Lord when you have a nevertheless experience. Wow, there’s so much I want to say in this entry, but in order to get it all out in the allotted time I have (its Monday morning and my to-do list is astounding) I have to choose what I say wisely. So please bear with me.

Over the last few months I’ve been having my nevertheless experience. I can now officially say that I know what it means to surrender my will to God’s will. But with that comes suffering. That is, for Christ. I think we, the church, have gotten it all twisted. I’ve said this time and time again in these entries that we have bought into the false teaching that being a Christian equals success. Like success is the ultimate goal of walking with Christ. You know what baffles me……there are many successful and happy non-believers. If that is so……what separates believers aim for success from non-believers. NOTHING. Because success is not the purpose of us being here on this earth. Success is only a mere benefit to walking with God. It plays a very small part in God’s purpose for our lives.

Just recently I realized that in order for me to be one with the Father, walk in His divine purpose, and have total fulfillment on earth, I have to submit my will to His will. Ok, ok…..yes I, and many others, have said it over and over that we submit ourselves to the will of God. And I’d liked to believe that. But it is a difference in saying it and really living and believing it. I’m just realizing how powerful submitting my will to God’s will is. It’s not an easy prayer to pray. In fact, it is very difficult. It is literally giving your life over to God’s control. How many church folk can say we really do that? I have come to the point where I don’t even pray for specific things in my life because if I am praying for God’s perfect will, but too praying for something that could be potentially against God’s will then one will cancel out. And because God will not go against our will then more than likely my will will win……and I’ll end up losing. You know how that goes.

I’m at the point where I don’t pray for things, that is….material things. Ok, I never really prayed for material things. That’s shallow praying to me. But I don’t pray for specifics like…… “Lord please bless me with money so that I can take the trip to Bermuda with my girlfriends because you know I need a vacation.” Nope; no longer pray that way. I’m understanding more and more that my life is not my life and that every step has to be ordered by the Lord. I seek His will in everything.

I was giving my sister an example of praying God’s will the other day. And was telling her how easy we can mess up God’s perfect will by praying something that seems real innocent or against His will. She’s going through some physical challenges in which require therapy. She hates being at the rehabilitation center; very understandable. But I told her that instead of praying that the Lord will release her from the rehabilitation center, just simply pray that “Lord have your perfect will in me.” As I went on to tell her that while in that center she could meet the doctor who could end up being her husband. Or she could come across a patient that needs her encouragement to live. Or anything. The Lord can use her to be a blessing to somebody or for somebody to be a blessing to her. And running up out of there could potentially allow her to miss a major piece of God’s plan.

Ok, can we talk about the will of God for a moment? Thanks. Ok, there are certain things we know from reading the word that is God’s will for our lives. Abundant life is one. Joy and peace are others. Healing is another. There’s really no need to pray for healing because His word tells us that we are healed. We just need to walk in it. So if we are sick we just need to continue to pray that God’s perfect will be done, and proceed according to the word. Period.

Marriage is another part of God’s will. I hear it time and time again….. “maybe God wants me to be single.” I firmly believe that if there is a desire to be married then God will bring it to pass. When marriage doesn’t come to someone who desires to be married, and I’m talking about a marriage that was ordained by God, then it is a great possibility that they can be walking out of the will of God. Ok, let me rephrase that. I’m not saying that single Christian women are out of the will of God and that’s why they are not married. No I’m not saying that at all. Waiting on God to deliver is a part of God’s will. Patience is a part of God’s will. With everything that is fearfully and wonderfully made, there is a process.

Which brings me to another point. When submitting to the will of God it will cost you something. Ok, ok……I know that Jesus paid the price. But He actually paid the price for our sins, not our suffering here on earth. To really walk in the fullness of God you will have to give up a great part of self. And its usually the part that we’ve built up and held onto for so long. Like my…….. “must be married by 40 to a perfect man” list. That was my plan and my will, but since making that list, I have surrendered and submitted my mind, body, and soul to the Lord. So God’s will doesn’t always bring a loddy doddy life.

It cracks me up how folk want the blessings and benefits of God, but they don’t want to do things God’s way. Things are fine when you’re standing up in front of a crowd delivering a deep message and folk are hollering back with encouragement, or writing in a blog about your Christian experience and getting great feedback. But let it come down to lonely nights where the Lord is saying “I’ve blocked that good man from you because you have submitted to my will and my will says that he’s not willing to submit to the plans I have for you.” Or, “my will is that you fast for 30 days even though it’s your birthday week and you want to celebrate with a nice big birthday cake with your loved ones.” Walking in God’s will is not always easy.

I luuuuv the part in the word that talks about Jesus having doubts about the cross. Everything was fine and dandy until he realized that He was really going to die. I can hear him say……. “ok, now hold-up God I love you and I believe that you can do anything even stop this death from happening. So is there any other way that this can be done?????” But just as He was saying that, he came back with a nevertheless…….. Reading and understanding this example of all examples is when I knew that there is nothing on this earth that I want so bad that I would forfeit God’s perfect plan for me.

Saying, Father, if thou be willing, remove this cup from me: nevertheless not my will, but thine, be done. –Luke 22:42

Do Me a Favor.......

2009-10-14T14:51:00.002-04:00

For the last few months I’ve been really learning the difference between the blessings of God and His favor. Both I think are mere benefits of following Christ and should not be the primary reason for being a Christian. But I gotta be honest…..when blessings and the favor of God happen it makes me feel like the trials and tribulations I go through are all worth it.

About a month ago, my pastor came up to me and told me that the favor of God was all over me. I knew this, but hearing it from him kinda solidified it. I’m blessed constantly. Just the fact that I have a good job, a nice home, the car I WANT, great family and friends, a wonderful church…….the list goes on, remind me of just how blessed I am. But His favor……oh, that’s another story. Can I just say that I have stumbled on some opportunities that are clearly the favor of God.

On Friday, another favor of God came to me. It was late afternoon, about 4pm-ish, and an email came in from Secretary Kathleen Sebelius’ office, the Secretary of the Department of Health and Human Services (HHS), that First Lady Michelle Obama would be speaking at HHS on Tuesday, which was yesterday.

Ok, let me remind you that Monday was a holiday for the Federal government. And usually when a holiday falls on a Monday, the Friday prior most folk are on leave. Fridays are already low-staffed because of the flexible schedule option we are allowed as Federal employees a lot of people either work half day or are already off on Fridays. But it was a holiday Friday, so the office was pretty empty.

Fridays are my best days to work because the office is empty and I can get a lot done---no interruptions. And usually, I work late on Fridays because I hate taking unfinished tasks into the next work week. So I say all of that to say that on last Friday at 4p-ish, I was sitting at my desk working when the email came in.

So I read the email and it stated that Michelle Obama would be speaking at HHS, however there would be limited space so if anyone wanted to attend the event we had to email by Sunday, our name and office. Ok, the email was so strategically planned. HHS has well over 60,000 employees around the country. But a great portion is in the metropolitan area. And so, for the Secretary’s office to send out the email on late Friday afternoon with a response by Sunday they realized that the responses would be narrowed.

When I saw the email I immediately put in my request and then I walked around to other colleagues who were in and asked if they’d read the email. There’s about 70 staff in my office and although a lot were out on Friday, the ones here did put in a request.

On my way to work on Tuesday, Monday was a holiday, I just felt in my Spirit that I had gotten selected to attend the event. I just felt it. It’s that same feeling I get when the Lord approves moves I need to make in my life. Just a peaceful confidence; a very sure feeling with no worry or concern behind it; like a green flashing late.

So I walked in my office and some were complaining that they weren’t here on Friday to put in the request and why it wasn’t on Thursday. Others who were here on Friday were complaining that they hadn’t gotten selected. I kept walking in confidence. I just waved and smiled. When I logged onto my computer the first thing I saw was the email. I opened it up and read the first line………. “I am pleased to inform you that you have been selected……” I was ecstatic! I was one of 250 that were selected to see Michelle Obama up-close.

Can I just say that I luuuuuv our First Lady? Thanks…….. I LUUUUUV MICHELLE OBAMA! She was everything I imagined and witnessed on television, but much more. She is so personable and I felt honored that she grabbed my hand, not an official shake but more of an “I’m in this with you” grab. She held my hand for extended seconds, long enough for me to have her perfumed lotion on my hand, and it was a very warm feeling from her. Let me just say that it was much deeper than a star struck moment for me.

A couple years ago, I was standing in the lobby of a building in downtown DC having a phone conversation with my mother. I randomly stepped in the building because as I was walking to the subway I couldn’t hear her speak. So I stepped in a building’s lobby to finish the conversation and out of nowhere Michael Jackson and one of his security people walked up on me. Michael was doing business in the building and as he was leaving he stopped to admire the mural that was on the wall behind the bench I was sitting on. When I lifted my head I nearly had a heart attack. It was so funny that even Michael Jackson cracked up laughing. Days later I stopped in to chat with the security guard and she told me that my facial expression was priceless. But I say this to say that that was a star-stricken moment for me. However, seeing Michael was no comparison to seeing Michelle.

This morning as I road into work on the train I got teary eyed. I was thinking about the grace and goodness of the Lord. Then I started thinking about all of the stories I heard and read about Michelle Obama saying how when Barack was a senator she was alone because most of his life was in DC, while she was left in Chicago to care for their children. I remember when they were on Oprah a few years ago and Michelle admitted that she felt like a single parent. And I remember Barack looking surprised and saying, “I never knew you felt that way.” Even though it was never mentioned, it was indeed implied that many times Michelle felt like giving up on her marriage.

In contrast, I thought about the many times I wanted to give up on my job. Many of my colleagues were advancing quickly and moving on to other agencies and programs, and at times I felt (feel) like I’m not growing at the level I need to be here. Many times I feel like calling in and not returning. Then there are times when I call in just because I’m sick of being sick and tired. But all in all, I continue on by the grace of God.

Over the last couple of weeks, my pastor has been talking about the process of gaining God’s reward. Of course, the story of the children of Israel suffering in the wilderness on the way to the Promised Land, is always mentioned. And my favorite, the story of Ruth and how she had to go through what she went through to gain her reward. I think my pastor is right, in fact I know he is, when he says that the church gets the purpose of God confused with the position God places us in to fulfill the purpose.

To clarify, in many instances, Christians will not even realize the purpose in which we play in God’s plan. And in many instances, Christians may not even live to see the purpose we play in God’s plan. Like in the story of Ruth where the purpose of what she went through was so that she would be the ancestor of Jesus, and that Jesus would sacrifice His life for us. Of course Ruth realized there was a purpose, but she didn’t go around saying…. “what’s my purpose, I need to find my purpose.” No, Ruth focused on being obedient to the Lord’s will. In that, she positioned herself for God’s purpose. As a result, because of her obedience, God blessed her with a husband who took care of her earthly needs.

So the question for today’s Christians should actually be…. “Lord how and where do you want to position me?” In Ruth’s case, the Lord positioned her in the field. She worked day and night in the field. For me it may be spreading the Gospel in the Federal government. For others it may be doing missions work in the rough parts of Africa, and for others it may be evangelizing at a mega-church. Fulfilling the purposes of God is not always a glamorous assignment. And I think that’s why it’s hard for the church to grasp what it is the Lord wants them to do.

Understanding this, I started thinking about when Michelle grabbed my hand. I started thinking about what would have happened if either she or I would have given up on our jobs and marriage. What would have happened if we would have died in the process; in the wilderness because it didn’t feel good at the time. She of course wouldn’t have been the most famous and admired woman in the world.

But I thought about what would have happened if I would have died in the process? I wouldn’t have been imparted hope, to inspire others to hope, from the most famous and admired woman in the world. I wonder if Michelle realizes the position in which she's taken to fulfill God’s purpose. Probably. But probably not; she’s quite busy these days. God’s favor makes me laugh.

“Glory to God in the highest, and on earth peace to men on whom his favor rests.” --Luke 2:14

Fearlessnessity

2009-10-12T20:54:00.004-04:00

Ok, ok…..I know that ain’t a word. But I created it. Cause its been on my mind the last couple of months. The meaning of “fearlessnessity” is one claiming to believe God, goes to church, but keeps living a life against His Word. That’s what I call fearlessnessity. I used to think that people call themselves Christians and just really don’t believe that Christ is who He said He is. Cause their actions and character don't show it. But I’m convinced now that many folk just don’t fear God!!! Point blank.

God is real!!!! And He’s real serious!!!

If folk really knew what was happening in the Spiritual realm they would act right. Seriously. Last night at church we had an experience. I mean, we always do. But last night was DEEP. Real deep.

The prophet from Africa is back and he’s come stronger than ever. I said dude must have been doing some deep praying and fasting while he was away because he’s calling out street addresses, names, colors of cars, and more. I thought I had heard enough when he told a dear church member that her husband was currently oversees on business cheating and he called out BOTH of the mistresses names. He told her to go right now and call her husband and tell him that he’s riding in a [certain color] car and that the car is about to be in an accident because satan has commissioned the driver to take his life. He told her to tell him to get out of the car right now, and get on the next flight home. My sister-in-Christ was crying and crying and crying. It was so sad. He did tell her that she would have a baby girl next year which was joyful news since she and her husband have been trying to have a baby for the last six years, and she had given up hope of being a mommy.

You know what……we always here about the goodness of God. And yes, He is indeed good. I’d be the first to holla on that one. But folk don’t realize that when they step out of God’s presence and His perfect will they are on their own. Period. I hear folk say all the time…. “what will be will be cause its all in God’s plan.” That’s absolutely not true. What is true is that God is all-knowing. He knows everything. And He sees everything. But He leaves the choices of our lives up to us. Therefore, God has a perfect plan, but the flesh has a plan in which satan drives that plan. There are two choices in life and so because God knows the consequences of both choices He suggests the answer. But any one of the plans is ours for the choosing.

This day I call heaven and earth as witnesses against you that I have set before you life and death, blessings and curses. Now choose life, so that you and your children may live. --Deuteronomy 30:19

Another thing is that folk don’t realize that when we sin we are opening ourselves up to a world of demonic spirits. Yes, God does indeed forgive when we ask for forgiveness, but those spirits are still there. Me and my eldest sister were having a conversation about pre-marital sex and fornication. Can I just pause here and say that I am proud to be practicing celibacy!!! It’s been a loooooong time coming, and I’ve lost count---lol---but I thank God for walking upright and pure before Him at almost 40 years old. And it ain’t that I’m trying to be perfect its just that I fear God. If He tells me not to do it and I do it anyway, I will suffer the consequences.

I was looking at TBN the other day and I saw an ex-pro football player speaking on grace. It was absolutely wonderful to hear this black, young man talk about the things of God. It delighted my soul. But basically what he said was that we need to “FLIP THE COIN!!” Basically, folk, especially church goers, always give excuses about their sinning and how God forgives, and they’re not perfect, and they’re still human, and God knows their heart, and yada yada. And so dude was like….flip the coin to the other side because the same grace that causes folk to keep on sinning and believe that their sins are forgiven is the SAME grace that keeps us from sinning---its called self-control and its one of the nine fruits of the Spirit.

But me and my sister were having a conversation and we both agreed that when you really understand what’s happening in the spiritual realm and how satan gains access to individuals one would be CRAZY to lay with a man/woman that you are not married to. That’s why I thank God for my Pastor who gives it to us straight. Our leadership preaches that one of the main ways satan accesses us is through sex. Even down to conception and how our parents conceived us; the moods our mothers had when they were pregnant.

When a man ejaculates into a woman not only does he releases the legions of demons that he’s picked up in his lifetime, but also generational curses that he has no control over. When a man and a woman sleeps together and are not married they are out of the will of God and therefore do not have God’s covering. That’s why it is important to be covered by the Blood of Jesus!!! And that’s why deliverance is so important.

The other night, the prophet called out this dude, who had come to church alone. He told dude that the woman he was married to he wasn’t really married to because she had a demonic covenant with a spirit that was still in her. The prophet called out dude wife’s name. The prophet told everybody to get up and pray for dude because he was involved in a satanic marriage that needed God to intervene as soon as possible. He told the dude that the spirit in his wife was so deep and strong that it came from her mother’s side of the family and had been sexually intertwined with his wife and that his wife was well aware that she was married to this demonic spirit.

Last night, dude brought his wife to church. Beautiful girl. To look at the two of them you’d think they would be the perfect couple. The wife had never been to our church so she was sitting there very nervous and you could tell she was uncomfortable. When the prophet called her out and laid his hands on her the demons started fighting back. The girl was crying all over the altar. And the husband was just standing there very supportive, but confused.

There is a lot of stuff going on in this world. And its to the point where everything we do we have to know that we know that we know it is approved by God because if not, we could be playing Russian roulette with our lives. That’s why it is so important to pray that God’s perfect will be done, not for specific things. Because what thing may seems good, may not be the perfect will of God and can get us off His plan. And eventually, we will suffer the consequences for it.

The sad part about is that God will not go against our own selfish desires and will, so he will allow us to leave His presence and do our thing. So maybe it is that folk don’t really believe God. Maybe my original thought was right. I don’t know. I kinda think it is a combination of the two.

But from everlasting to everlasting the LORD’s love is with those who fear him, and his righteousness with their children’s children-with those who keep his covenant and remember to obey his precepts. --Psalm 103:17-18

Can You Hear Me Now?????

2009-10-08T15:58:00.000-04:00

Had a good conversation with my girlfriend “E” this morning about communication. I’d like to think that because I have a passion for relating to people, that is…..written or verbal, I am a good communicator. Aside from holding a Bachelor’s degree in Public Relations and having much professional experience in relating to people on all levels, I truly have a personal passion for communicating.

In saying that, I have a very low tolerance for folk who lacks communication skills. Ok, I’m not talking about dotting I’s or crossing T’s or speaking proper English. Nope, I’m talking about just being an effective communicator---getting a point across without making irrational generalizations or making the other person feel awkward. That truly bothers me. I’m like….. “just say what you gotta say!!!” And then…… “allow me to say what I have to say!!!” I truly get irritated when things are swept under the rug.

Perhaps it’s the way I was raised. I’ve known “E” since the second grade. We have ALWAYS been upfront and confrontational with one another and to others. When I say confrontational I mean that if either of us is concerned or unsure about something…….oh we will make a phone call. We take time to voice our feelings to one another. And we take time to listen. It’s like…….. “hold up and stop what you’re doing cause I got something to say!” We may not know the outcome, cause to be honest we have had some bad outcomes (lol), but rest assured we’re NEVER left feeling like we didn’t speak our mind to each other. And so I need all of my relationships to be this way. I really do. I need to be able to express myself and I need the other to express them without feeling like our relationship is in jeopardy.

Sometimes I feel stifled in some of my friendships. Ok…….in one of them. I don’t know. I certainly can’t blame another for not being as upfront as I am. And I certainly can’t blame someone for being non-confrontational. But I need to hear you speak; especially if there is a problem with yours truly. I need to know so that we can fix the issue, bury the hatchet, and grow in the relationship. But if we don’t talk about it with each other one and/or two things will happen. Either it will be discussed with a third party, which more than likely breeds negativity. Or it will be put in the mental files for future ammunition. Both are such unhealthy ways to maintain relationships.

Just for the record…….I’ve tried to communicate with this loved one many times in the past. I’ve expressed myself in person, on the telephone, and through email but it doesn’t seem to work. Our friendship is fastly approaching the 10 year mark and it saddens me to feel like I can’t share all of me with her. Ok, wait a minute……I do try but I don’t always get the response I’m looking for so I hold back. What I will say is that what we share, which has been the foundation of our friendship, is always free and open to discuss. But there’s much, much more to me than that past experience. And I want to feel like I can express myself without prejudice. I’m not saying agree with me…….I’m just saying let’s be able to graduate our friendship to deep meaningful conversation. The surface thing is not cutting it. And I feel almost like the friendship is pretentious.

I know I have issues, and probably even in this friendship I’m referring to. But the biggest issue I see is……..lack of patience. Ok, I’m seriously venting today and I need to have time to, so please bear with me. But I feel like there is a lack of patience. I absolutely hate feeling like I’m on a clock when talking to a loved one. Ok, don’t get me wrong…...we don’t always have time to have long drawn out conversations so there are times when its just a quick…… “hey on my way to such and such, just checking on you.” But I like to know that I can not only talk to my loved ones about ANYTHING, but also at ANYTIME. I need to be free to be me. And free to express me. And I need you to be free as well.

Every time I think about conversations and communication I remember one of my other girlfriends was dealing with a personal situation that actually stemmed from a childhood incident and fested into her adult years. But I remember one morning she called me and whatever either one of us had planned was not as important as my girlfriend’s feelings. I remember she and I talked on the phone straight from 9:00a on that Saturday morning to about 8:30p that night. And we only got off the phone because she got a call in the middle of our conversation inviting her to a social function. She really needed to get out. So she clicked over and asked me to go with her. I was in the bed. Not planning to go anywhere. But I jumped up and we went out and had one of the best nights with old buddies. We resumed our conversation the next day.

I’m a communicator and I truly expect my relationships to be open to communicate. For the most part, they are. I mean, I’m never left feeling like I’m leaning on my own understanding. Only with that one friend. I always feel like I’ve got to read between the lines. It’s nerve racking. And so juvenile. Sometimes she’ll make these generalizations and even if they are not intended for me, I somehow get hit in the crossfire.

The other issue for her not being a communicator is the lack of family values. Just calling it how I see it. I come from strong family values. And so we express ourselves freely. If you are in my inner circle I need to hear from you. And I’m not putting you on a clock or calendar, but I need to have some type of regular contact with you; because my loved ones are a part of me. Most of my family is on Facebook so within the last year we have really been current in each others daily lives. But we still do the check-ins. Ok, one of my sisters will call 50 times a day just to say….. “what you doing?” I be like…….uh the same thing I was doing two minutes ago. And I’m sure I do the same thing to her and others. I too get the random phone calls…… “where are you?” I remember hearing that a friend of a friend was offended because this question was asked in the courtship process. I laughed; because for me and my loved ones it’s just standard communication.

I don’t know. It’s obviously bothering me. What exactly is bothering me…..I really can’t express it (lol). Ok, yes I can. It bothers me that a friend can’t be totally opened and honest. But it hurts me that they will not allow me time, space, and freedom to do so. It’s very hurting. And it is difficult for me to maintain friendships if the communication is off.

Therefore each of you must put off falsehood and speak truthfully to his neighbor, for we are all members of one body.……. ---Ephesians 4:25

A Step Out

2009-10-06T20:25:00.000-04:00

Ok, so for the last 14 days I took some quality time for just me and God. I needed it. I cut out food, socializing, the internet, and all secular activity to devote time with my Savior. Lots of revelation and breakthrough. I needed it. I needed to hear from God. And He spoke loud and clear.

In just 14 short days, my life has changed. I literally feel myself at a higher level. Thanks for checking in daily only to find that I wasn’t here. But I’m back and I’m sure I will have lots to talk about in the next few days. Right now I just want to eat something really good, and sit in front of the television. God Bless!!!

Workers in the Vineyard

2009-09-18T15:20:00.001-04:00

Ok, so over the last few weeks/months I’ve been going back and forth with the purpose thing. You know…..trying to figure out the LORD’s perfect will for my life and not just what I want to do. As I’ve mentioned in several entries….I truly believe in my heart that what the Lord purposes is more than likely something that resides in my weakness.

So I was having a conversation with one of my girlfriends, she too very established as a professional in the Federal government, and she was just saying also how she knows the Lord has something greater for her to do. We spent some time over coffee the other morning just venting to one another. I told her that I am at the point where if the Lord wants me to dust the pews and clean the bathrooms at church then that’s what I will do. I just need to know that I am doing HIS perfect will and purpose.

Then we started talking about the spoken and written ministry thing. You know….where we get caught up believing that it takes a platform to spread the Gospel. She looked at me a little cross because she made the statement that she luuuvs going to impoverished countries and speaking to large congregations. She says she loves the feeling she gets preaching to a large unsaved crowd. And though I do identify with her feelings of validation I had to be frank and express that that may not be what the Lord wants her to do in ministry.

I thought back to a conversation I had with my pastor a few months ago. And how he told me that here in American, he’s from Africa, too many Christians operate out of their strength. For months I thought about that. I thought about all of the cockiness and greed that has come out of so-called ministries that has turned into celebrity arrogance. Is that really ministry? And so I thought about Jesus and how his strength was in carpentry. But the Bible never speaks about the tangible things Jesus built. But in his weakness is where He found strength in God. He showed weakness in bearing the cross and being led to lead the people to salvation. That was His ministry. That was His purpose.

Last week I was flipping through the channels and caught Juanita Bynum on DayStar. Ok, gotta tell you……I’m not a Juanita fan. I mean, I love the fact that the Lord has His hand on her, but I don’t care for the way she’s gone off track. I truly believe that there’s a thin line between faith and fame, and she has seem to consciously crossed it. All-in-all, she’s still my sister in Christ and even though I do not support her hustle I pray for her. But I caught her speaking on television and she said something that was so profound.

For many years, I thought it was just me. I thought I was the only one feeling like the church has missed the mark by building these mega buildings and moving their ministries out of urban areas and into the suburbs. Here in the Washington DC Metro area, most of our larger and popular churches have moved out of DC and into Maryland---some even into Northern Virginia. There is an influx of mega ministries in this area. Unfortunately, very few are bringing the authentic Word of God to the masses. Most are stuck on motivational messages.

But Juanita Bynum said something so profound. She said since she has been to Hollywood the unsaved think we are a joke. Cause we build these big mega churches and act like the building is the true kingdom of God, but we produce no fruit. As I listened I thought about how when I was growing up our life was revolved around the church. But when we had to step out of the church realm into places like school…there was no life in us. We were just the average person with nothing to say and nothing to offer. We were known as church girls. But it was more of a “our church life is a secret” than a “come on and join into the Body of Christ”. The same mentality goes on today, but on a broader scale.

I think it was last year I wrote an entry about a mega church in the Metro area that owns a whole community---shopping, residences, businesses, and of course the church is there. I’ve heard this message before from the mega church I belonged to that the members need to support the church community because “it’s building the kingdom”. Every time I hear that my eyes roll up in my head because the church really believes that the kingdom is built carnally here on earth. The funny thing about the mega church I’m referring to has named their community “Kingdom _________.” It’s hilarious. So basically, what Juanita Bynum was saying is how we have spent billions of dollars building buildings and we still have a dying unsaved world who has little respect for church folk. She said that it is our jobs as Christian to go out into the world and represent Christ. That’s how we build the Kingdom. God’s KINGDOM.

Last week, I caught the opening night of Tyler Perry’s “I Can Do Bad All By Myself” and I have to say that although it wasn’t his best directing, or best set, and probably won’t get a BET award so we ain’t even gonna talk about an Oscar, to me…………………..it was his absolute best!!!!!!!! I mean, anybody who dares to say Jesus as much as he did on the big screen must be working from a higher calling. Hollywood allowed us to put the “Passion of the Christ” out there a few years ago, but I’m soooo glad that folk like Tyler Perry is making it clear that we need to hear Jesus more. And I love the fact that although he has rubbed elbows with Oprah, a non-believer and Jesus basher, he’s not changing his message. I love it!!

So over the last few days I’ve been really praying and thinking about what the Lord wants me to do to build His kingdom and I’m confident that I got the answer. I think He wants me to represent Christ in the workplace. I mean, I know we are all ministers of reconciliation. But I believe the Lord has me positioned as a warrior for Christ in the workplace. Whether my job is here in the Federal government or in nonprofit or in the entertainment industry is not the issue for my steps are ordered by the Lord. Therefore, wherever He leads my steps along my career path, I am to stand for holiness in the workplace. For I am ministry.

This morning I had a conversation with a friend who is a comedian. Way back when I was doing public relations for the entertainment industry I had done some work for him, and so over the years he has always valued my professional opinion. So every few months he’ll reach out to me to say hello and get my advice on promoting his career. And so this morning I had a conversation with him---giving him some professional advice and normally I’d keep my professional life separate from my private life—that is my Spiritual life. Even on my job folk know that I’m a believer, but I don’t go around preaching or wearing “I’m a Christian” on my forehead. I have two girlfriends who are believers that I work with and so conversations about my Christian lifestyle are usually limited to them.

But this morning as I was talking to the comedian, I felt compelled to ask him about his prayer life and his spiritual beliefs. To my surprise he revealed a personal issue that has been going on that he’s been in constant prayer about. Our conversation took on a whole new direction and I almost held back---just trying not to make him feel uncomfortable. Or perhaps….make myself feel uncomfortable. But the conversation was deep in which we talked about spiritual warfare. After I hung up, I fully understood my ministry.

Later He appeared to the eleven as they sat at the table; and He rebuked their unbelief and hardness of heart, because they did not believe those who had seen Him after He had risen. And He said to them, “Go into all the world and preach the gospel to every creature. He who believes and is baptized will be saved; but he who does not believe will be condemned. And these signs will follow those who believe: In My name they will cast out demons; they will speak with new tongues; they will take up serpents; and if they drink anything deadly, it will by no means hurt them; they will lay hands on the sick, and they will recover.” --Mark 16:14-18

Do Not Block My Blessings!!!

2009-09-15T12:06:00.007-04:00

I had a strange dream last night. Actually, it ain’t all that strange because it has been brought to the forefront in several of my pastor’s messages the last few months. So I’ll just say that the dream was bothersome.

I dreamt that I was trying to get to a certain city, which I will not mention, but the folk who I was traveling with kept procrastinating and coming up with excuses so we never made it there. The certain city in my dream in reality is only about two hours away. And in the dream I remember that we were trying to make arrangements to get there by Amtrak. We were trying to meet up with some friends who were to be at a concert at a church in that city. But I kept saying that if we took the train we would still have to find a way to the church. Nobody was listening to me. Finally, my oldest sister broke off several pieces of strings and handed it to each of us. Its obvious what the string represented, so what I did---in the dream---is decided to drive my car.

Ok, once I had decided to drive my car one of my younger sisters had asked to ride with me. She wanted to get to this city as well. In real life, I always get on this particular sister because she can’t make a move without at least one of her many girlfriends. Every family event she brings one or all of her girlfriends. Even to some of our most private and intimate family functions….she brings her girlfriends. Over the years I have spoken openly about this because she has fallen into a very dependent type of mindset. And at times I get pissed because my mother seems to encourage her dependency. Ok, don’t get me wrong…..I love her best girlfriend. And her boyfriend. But sometimes she allows her little ghetto girlfriends to tag along and at one point or another…..their ghetto character is exposed causing embarrassment to the family.

In the dream, I told my sister that I was going to wash my car and that I’d be right back to pick her up, and that she’d better be ready. In real life, she’s also my sister who is ALWAYS late—lol. So I got into my car---it was my old car in which in real life I gave to this particular sister---and I headed to the car wash. As I was driving I ran smack dab into a brick wall. In reality the car would have been totalled and obviously hindering me from getting to my destination. But I turned around and drove back toward the house. I had decided not to get my car washed because we were running late.

When I got back to the house, there was this HUGE leak almost like the size of a pool that was blocking me from getting to the house to get my sister. The water in the leak was muddy. I know from looking up the meaning of dreams that muddy water means negativity. But I was determined. So I climbed up on the side of the house trying to reach a rope that was hanging from the roof. I knew that if I could grab the rope I’d make it over the water. I made it. But when I got to my sister……..she had all of her girlfriends with her. At that point, I woke up. And we never made it to the city.

Ironically, in real life, back in the early nineties me and one of my girlfriends had met these two guys at a concert. The two guys sang with a very well-known group. The two guys were “celebrities” in their own right, one going on to becoming a Gospel solo artist, and so when they took interest in us we were ecstatic. When they would tour we would meet them in certain cities. But one particular time they’d decided that they wanted us to spend New Year’s with them and their family, so they invited us to their hometown. We were soooo excited.

I remember me and my girlfriend had purchased our plane tickets right after Thanksgiving. And up until we were to leave the anticipation had skyrocketed. The way it was planned, still being young students, she and I would share in the travel expenses making it affordable for the both of us. And even though we were young, we knew better not to allow these dudes to pay for anything giving them a false sense of control over us. And we were from DC. We had established this "I'm and independent woman" in which they loved--lol. And besides that, she and I were trying to live a godly life. I mean we were TRYING--lol. But we didn't want to make a negative statement.

The dude who I was “attached” to had become a dear friend to me. Over the course of a year, he and I had established a bond. When they were on tour in real far cities, I’d wait until he’d finish performing, which was usually around midnight, and we’d talk on the phone until the daylight. About ANY and EVERYTHING. He was my friend. And so I was really looking forward to spending some quality time with him on New Year’s. And was even more honored that he wanted to cross over into a new year with me. My girlfriend and her friend were moving a little fast. Dude wanted to marry her, but she was at a point in her life where she was trying to hear from God, but being interrupted with fleshly desires. She was falling for dude and they’d become real public with their relationship.

The day before we were leaving, I was in the hair salon getting done up for my friend and my girlfriend paged me (remember pagers????—I had a purple one--lolol…..oh goodness), but she paged me 9-1-1. When I called her back she told me that she had decided not to go on the trip. I was stunned. Over that month there was no inclination that she didn’t want to go. I knew that she was dealing with her own personal issues, but never thought that it would have a burden on a commitment that she made, not to dude, but to ME! For hours she and I went back and forth. I was stuck. My friend was adamant about me still coming. But it was no fun without my girlfriend. So I’d decided to cancel out as well. Canceling would have meant that we’d both lose hundreds of dollars. I was pissed. Not to mention that…….I really wanted to see my boo!!!

Later that night, in which our flight was to leave real early the next morning, my girlfriend called me and said that she had decided to go. I was sooo happy. When we arrived at the airport of their city, we got another issue. The guys had to be in a mandatory rehearsal so they had to send someone to pick us up from the airport and take us to the hotel. The person who picked us up was not pleased to be picking us up for whatever reason. On top of that, it was raining like cats and dogs. It was cold and wet, and my hair had flopped, and we were mad at their manager because we felt that he tried to sabotage our trip. It was ugly. But then…….

Later that afternoon, after me and my girlfriend settled in our hotel, my friend walked through the door and my world lit up. For the entire time that we were in town he did not leave my side. In fact, his group had a huge concert in their hometown while we were there and when I tell you we got the royal treatment……. They both made sure that me and my girlfriend were well-taken care of, and they made it known that we were with them. During our time alone, my friend and I spent some real quality time together. NO SEX AT ALL. Can’t say that we weren’t tempted and tried, but we were adamant about getting to know one another on a deeper level. Our conversations were very deep. He opened up and shared a lot about his career and personal life, and his love and thirst for God. He made me feel comfortable sharing myself. Up until him, and even after him, I wasn’t used to dealing with guys who LOVES God and shows it in his character. But he did. On top of that, the way he treated me in public was second to none. He did everything from carry me on his back over rain puddles to feeding me. He even taught me how to kiss. YESSSSS…..he taught me how to appreciate a kiss!!!

I remember the day we were leaving we had missed our flight. So me and my girlfriend had to arrange to take a flight that was a few hours later. The guys DID NOT want to see us leave and were glad that we’d missed our first flight. But then they had to take us to the airport to make the second flight. It was sooo cute. They kept stalling, making us push it close. They were making scene's in the airport like they were sad. It was like we were in a music video or making a commercial. I remember the four of us running through the airport, me with high-heeled boots on trying to run for my plane. This was waaay before 9/11 when loved ones could go to the gate. And I remember him holding my hand and carrying all my bags so that I wouldn’t fall.

After we returned home, he and I continued to talk for another couple of months. He adored me and I adored him. I didn’t like the long distance thing but I was willing to give it a try. But then he experienced a horrible tragedy that circulated quickly around the Gospel circuit. I remember when I heard the news. I was floored. I remember I was in a state of shock for days. I didn’t know what to say or how to say it. I just gave him his space to deal with his family. I wanted to hear his voice. I wanted him to call, but he didn’t. From the gossip mill, I heard it nearly destroyed him so I took that as a sign to leave him alone and just pray. Weeks later, I knew that he and I would never talk again. At that point, I knew that he had come into my life for a specific reason. It took a while to accept, but eventually I did. To this day…….there is a standard in which I require in a relationship as far as communication and how a man treats me. It was my friend who set that standard.

Over the last few months, my pastor has been speaking a lot about blocked blessings. I’d even received a prophecy, in which I wrote about in an entry, that my marriage was blocked. It is becoming so clearer now. Satan has literally set up forces to block God’s blessings in our lives. When I was in church a few weeks ago, there was a prophecy given to a woman that her husband’s practice---he’s a medical doctor---had been blocked by satan. The visiting prophet told her that satan had blocked patients from coming in and that the practice was experiencing financial loss. The lady confirmed it even going as far as to say that her husband is depressed because he can’t figure out why all of his patients have stopped coming to him. The visiting prophet sat in a chair and demonstrated how satan was sitting in front of the door of her husband’s practice. When he told me about the block on my marriage, I couldn’t help but to envision satan sitting in front of me.

You know what…….I hear it all the time about Charismatic and Pentecostal Christians trying to fight satan in the Spiritual realm and in a nutshell they say we’re wasting our time. But they can say what they want!!! There are demonic forces set up just for God's people. Satan ain't thinking about the unsaved. He got them. Its the ones with destiny and purpose that he wants. Some of us have demonic forces behind the scenes and because we’re not walking totally in the Spirit and binding the enemy we’re allowing our blessings to be blocked. I’d be the first to say that when I pray I ask the Lord to open doors and to close doors. But there are some closed doors that the Lord has NOT closed. And it takes some serious warfare to remove satan so that those door will open.

Ok, can I just be blunt today? Thanks. Satan is so cunning that he is using the folk closest to us to block God’s blessings in our lives. It could be as simple as a girlfriend not liking your boyfriend. That boyfriend could be the very man that God has ordained for you to marry. Or in my personal case, a girlfriend trying to block a trip that was to teach me a life lesson on men. Yes, yes…..I’d also be first to say that I need the support of my loved ones; especially when making important decisions, but ultimately…….the decision should be from God. And we have to renew our minds daily through supplication to hear from Him. If not, we could be allowing folk to block our destiny. Satan is cunning. He comes in all kinds of packaging. Blocks on God’s blessings are demonic forces that we have to allow the Lord to work on our behalf to destroy!!!! God does not go against our will. Yes, He is ALL powerful. And can do ANYTHING. But He gave us the power to choose.

And I am sick and tired of hearing folk, especially Christians, say that since they are Christians satan can't bother them. That is not so!!! Our minds are the devil's playground. If that weren't so the Lord wouldn't have to continuously tell us through His word to renew our minds daily. Ok, can I take this a step further.......there are some blocked doors that the Lord has allowed satan to keep blocked just because we have rejected His will!!! When we allow our mindset to be coerced into satan's territory we can do and say some things that can destroy our destiny. Not to mention another person's destiny. I've noticed that when I've detatched myself from certain folks over the years and committed myself to the Lord's will.......doors started opening for me. I was able to accomplish some things in my life that I couldn't as long as I was attached to [certain folk]. I'm telling you.........blocked blessings are a HUGE tactic that satan uses on us.

Before closing this entry, I have to REPENT. I repent if I knowingly, or unknowingly, stood as a block in the way of somebody else’s blessings. Lord I ask that you would remove any blockings in my way so that Your perfect will will be fulfilled in my life.

"Again, when a righteous man turns from his righteousness and does evil, and I put a stumbling block before him, he will die. Since you did not warn him, he will die for his sin. The righteous things he did will not be remembered, and I will hold you accountable for his blood. But if you do warn the righteous man not to sin and he does not sin, he will surely live because he took warning, and you will have saved yourself." --Ezekiel 3:20-21

……….Instead, make up your mind not to put any stumbling block or obstacle in your brother’s way. ---Romans 14:13

Never Can Forget

2009-09-11T11:39:00.003-04:00

I think everybody and their momma got a 9/11 story. Understandably so, because that day earth stood still. Man, where in the world do I began at in my story.

Ok, I remember waking up to a BEAUTIFUL morning. The sky was extra clear. And the day had a freshness to it. At the time, I was living about five minutes from my mother and so she’d asked me the night before if I could pick her up that morning cause she had an early meeting downtown. My norm then was to drive to the metro which was just a few minutes from my house. And so since I had to pick up my mother who was just three minutes out the way, I didn’t feel the need to adjust my schedule.

That morning, after picking up my mother we got to the metro and found that the parking garage was full. That was definitely out of the norm. Cause the garage was NEVER full. But it was a beautiful day and so normal drivers probably decided to enjoy the metro ride instead of driving in. I was pissed. And probably cussed and fussed since I was still in my backslidden state—lol. Soooo, I had to drive to work. All the way downtown. Which would’ve cost me $13 to park in my office’s garage.

Traffic on the way downtown was smooth. In fact, it was so smooth that I decided to pull over at a deli on the way and grab an onion bagel with veggie cream cheese. I’ll NEVER forget that bagel!! When we left the deli, I dropped my mother off at her meeting in the metro center area. I headed upper northwest to my office in Dupont Circle. When I got to my office, I turned on my computer and sat down to eat my bagel. Just when I was about to take a bite…..my phone rang. It was one of my girlfriends. She and I were chatting about nothing and then I heard my boss scream from his office…….. “A plane just crashed into the twin towers!!!” Everybody went running into his office.

Then the second plane hit!

And without much more thought, my boss---a very smart man---simply said….. “it’s an attack”. The office staff were at a standstill watching the news in the conference room. You could hear a pin drop. Then all of a sudden somebody shouted…… “we’re being hit too!!!” On the television we watched the twin towers in smoke and looked out the window and saw a building in smoke. From our window we couldn’t tell what was on fire, but knew that it was major. We first thought it was the White House. But then we got breaking news that it was indeed the Pentagon. The Director of the small nonprofit organization simply told us to go home.

Just as all of DC, I was frantic and didn’t know whether I was coming or going. My colleague, who lived in northern VA was terrified to ride the metro. In fact, I don’t remember what happened with metro. So I told my colleague to just come home with me. Cause I wasn’t crossing no bridge—lol. No one was thinking logically that day. I remember pulling my car out of the garage and it took me an hour to get to the corner. Gridlock, road block, J-walking, and all kinda motor vehicle laws were breaking. No one cared. Cause everybody understood. We just wanted to get home to our families. To safety.

If I had remembered my route home, I still couldn’t remember to remember it on 9/11. My mind was not focused on nothing but getting out of DC. And so I just drove in the direction of where all the cars were moving. I was clearly off my route to home, but I was moving out of DC and that was all that mattered. Then if not my mind, my heart screamed……. “my mother!!!” The way the traffic was moving took me further away from where my mother’s meeting was. All I could do was pray that somebody had had mercy on her and gave her a ride into Maryland. Cause cell phones did not work. And there was absolutely no way to get in touch with your loved ones even if you tried. It was horrific.

But God.

Let me tell you how awesome God is. I was driving and my colleague was sitting in the passenger seat. My mind was in a daze. Horns were bonking and folk were everywhere. Some running, but most walking swiftly to get out of dodge. And then my colleague says….. “that woman is just standing there like she’s waiting for a ride, but nobody’s coming to get her in all this mess.” I looked over…….and it was my mother!!!! When she saw me and got in my car she said she had walked and walked, and the Lord told her to just standstill and wait. And that’s what she did. It was purely an act of God.

By the time we got home it was mid afternoon. We were stuck in traffic trying to get into Maryland for hours. Just as we got into Maryland, my colleague was able to get a connection on her phone and called her mom. Her parents came to my house to get her. Cause I wasn’t crossing over no bridge---lol. Did I mention that? I made it clear then, and I’ll make it clear now.

I was soooo mentally and emotionally drained. Cause my family is split between DC and New York. Calls were flying back and forth, and we were trying to account for everybody. By the time we completed the family roll call it was evening. Everybody had stories and everybody wanted to know…….what next?

As I lay in bed watching the news, I was solemn. But then I saw a news flash that pissed me off!!! Normally, as in most states, when there’s inclement weather the news stations will flash school and office closings. And so they used this same format to keep us up-to-date on the latest closings. Understandable. This is an emergency. But then I saw SEVERAL mega churches in the area flash across the screen that they were canceling bible study and Tuesday night services. I couldn’t believe it. You mean to tell me the church’s doors aren’t open so that we could come together and pray for our country. I could NOT believe it. I think that’s when I started looking at the church a little differently.

The September 11, 2001 attacks were the worst public catastrophe in my lifetime. I wasn’t born on D-day, or the killings of MLK or JFK. And I kinda thought I’d escape that sorta tragedy in my lifetime. But I didn’t. I will never forget that day. I haven’t had a bagel and cream cheese since. That day my heart hurt for my country. And today, my heart and prayers continue to go out to all the victims of 9/11.

One thing I have desired of the LORD, that will I seek: that I may dwell in the house of the LORD all the days of my life, to behold the beauty of the LORD, and to inquire in His temple. For in the time of trouble He shall hide me in His pavilion; in the secret place of His tabernacle He shall hide me; He shall set me high upon a rock. And now my head shall be lifted up above my enemies all around me; therefore I will offer sacrifices of joy in His tabernacle; I will sing, yes, I will sing praises to the LORD. --Psalm 27:4-6

Taking It All In

2009-09-09T13:58:00.006-04:00

These last few days have been physically and mentally draining. Can I be real today? Cause I think I just need to lay some things on the table. So can I say what the heck I feel like saying today? Thanks. Ok, so my church has been in revival for the last two weeks. In the midst of the revival a whole lotta stuff has taken place with me---lots and lots of thoughts and decisions on my mind that resulted in some emotional outpourings. Last week, I literally felt myself go to a higher spiritual level and so you know how the saying goes……the higher the level, the higher the devil. And I tell you…..it felt like satan was waiting for me to get off at the next floor up cause dude greeted me with his little pitchfork just as I was about to step out.

With all of the emotional craziness I still managed to put in some QT with my inner circle and go to my church’s picnic which was super fun. Since it was a long weekend, in which is like gold for some of us working folk--lol, I didn’t want to be confined to the clock. I just wanted to spend my long weekend sporadically and impromptu. You know….going with the flow. Well, I think that pissed some folk off cause what they had “planned” for my weekend I cancelled at the last minute. Don’t usually operate in this manner, but I felt the need to just do me.

Yesterday I straight up played hooky from work. Just didn’t feel like going. On Monday, my “laborless” holiday, I took full advantage of and spent the day lounging around the house. I managed to cook a nice dinner, get some QT in over the phone, but that was it. When it was time for me to get up for work yesterday morning, I looked at the clock and said to myself……what’s the darn use. Is it just me or is anyone else feeling a little purposeless????

For the last nine months I have been spiritually fed tremendously and sitting like a stuff pig--lol. I asked the Lord to take me to another level, and He has answered my prayers triple fold. But just last week I started to feel like I needed to release. You know....spread some of what I've been taught. Like I was taking so much in that I felt the need to be pouring out. On a full-time basis. Don’t get me wrong……I love my job and love what I do….its just that it’s beginning to not be so fulfilling anymore. Do you understand me? It feels like I need to be doing more. And so sometimes getting up doing the routine norm gets to me. And yesterday……it got to me.

For about a straight four hours I sat back and thought about all the things I could be doing. Not to toot my own horn……but I’m good at doing a lot of things--lol. You know how we do....we can turn a hobby into a ministry real quick---lol. Over the years, I’ve been juggling several projects at once and this is the first time that I’m not so busy. In fact, I only turn on my computer at home to check my email. And so yesterday, I just sat back and thought about what I wanted to get into next. About three months ago, I was heavily involved in a personal project that stemmed from my professional work, that could be ministry very easily. The ground work was set in place and I had come across several interested people who were willing and excited to support the project, but one evening while I sat still to listen to the Lord after praying I heard the Lord say….. “Not now” to the project. For a long while I was questioning the voice of the Lord like perhaps I didn’t hear His voice, but something in my spirit wouldn’t allow me to move forward.

Yesterday, I thought long and hard about that project again and decided to proceed with it. I tried to justify what I thought I heard or didn’t hear the Lord say. And the more I tried to figure it out, the more I ignored what I KNOW I heard the Lord speak to me. The ignorance resulted into…….proceed. Cause my life felt/feels purposeless and I needed some activity to fill the void. In fact, I felt so purposeless that I decided to go to the gym and walk on a low speed while brainstorming the project’s to-do list. While walking at a steady 2.5 pace on the treadmill I mapped out everything. I picked up where I had left off back in May. And up until I went to bed last night I felt like a woman on a mission. I felt purposeful and empowered.

This morning when I woke up, the Lord met me at my morning thoughts. This is indeed when I hear the Lord speak clearest to me. And so as I lay there, before getting out the bed and even before praying, the Lord reminded me of a book I read last year called….. “Having a Mary Heart in a Martha World.” Immediately, I halted---mind, body, and spirit. Cause I knew what the Lord was saying. And so I repented. And as I repented the Lord started sharing some things with me.

You know what…..I firmly believe that one of the trickiest tactics that satan will try to place on us is “fulfilling purpose”. I hear some form of “purpose” at least five times a week. Cause those of us in the Body of Christ have been conditioned to know, accept, pursue, fulfill, or do…….purpose in order to please God. Many times---many, many times---purpose gets twisted. There is such a thin line between being obedient to God’s instruction and personal agenda in which we interpret as…..purpose. In addition to this, many of us have been tricked into believing that purpose rests and relies on a platform. Therefore, you will see many Christians writing books, becoming motivational speakers, and/or forming little cliques or “alliances” where the “chosen one who is fulfilling purpose” leads a bunch of vulnerable folk to…..only God knows where. You know what’s sad????? Seeing men and women of God supposedly fulfilling purpose while in the midst of a divorce---and I’m talking about pastors and first ladies. Or those who are “fulfilling purpose” and can’t even open their mouths to speak to their fellow brothers and sisters in Christ who are indeed supporting their "ministry".

So this morning, even though I didn’t want to be…..I was obedient and I sat still to listen to the voice of the Lord. The sad truth is that I heard this message before. I think it was last year. It was the same message that had me look at the fall of Eve. Where Eve was so eager to act upon personal agenda, which was a satanic command, that she forfeited Godly instruction of obedience at the expense of mankind. An act that was laced with innocence, but to increase self. This act is so prevalent amongst Christians. As I’ve said many, many times in entries……I come across so many “Christian ministry” websites of those who claim to promote Jesus, but in reality they are promoting self, that I get turned off. A couple of months ago I was recommended a site by a sister at my church of a pastor’s wife who developed a clothing line called “Jesus Girl”. At first I thought it was kinda cute, but when I got on the site and saw the tight-fitting tees that boasted the brand I didn’t see Jesus no where in it. In fact, the message was quite clear that Jesus wasn’t being uplifting…..Jesus “girl” was.

Over the years, I’m sure you too have heard the common saying that I don’t want to get to heaven and find out that I didn’t use my gifts and talents to fulfill purpose for the Kingdom of God. As I sat back and listened this morning I was getting ready to make my spiel before the Lord about “my purpose” and the Holy Spirit softly answered…… “no, you don’t want to get to heaven and I say what you have spent fruitless time doing was not at all purposed by Me.” And without taking up too much more time, the Lord reminded me that all of His children are ministers of reconciliation. That we all are purposed to love and spread the good news. That is the great commission in which we have been purposed to do. And He reminded me that each time I get up to go to work, vibrant, and full of life given of myself unselfishly and extending a hand to my fellow colleague……that’s fulfilling purpose. All other stuff is plain old…….self-seeking, busyness.

So of course you know me…..I couldn’t let it rest. I wanted to know……Lord, is this it for me---just being fulfilled and fulfilling purpose by what I do on my day job and whatever my pastor appoints me to do at church? And the Lord answered yet again…… “just keep walking by faith for when My door opens you’ll know. As always learn of ME and proceed in obedience.” This morning I walked through my office doors with a huge smile on my face if for no other reason than to show appreciation for having a job, but I knew I was smiling for much more than that.

As Jesus and his disciples were on their way, he came to a village where a woman named Martha opened her home to him. She had a sister called Mary, who sat at the Lord's feet listening to what he said. But Martha was distracted by all the preparations that had to be made. She came to him and asked, "Lord, don't you care that my sister has left me to do the work by myself? Tell her to help me!" "Martha, Martha," the Lord answered, "you are worried and upset about many things, but only one thing is needed. Mary has chosen what is better, and it will not be taken away from her." --Luke 10:38-42

Prepared for Battle

2009-09-03T13:48:00.002-04:00

Wow!!! How in the world can I make literary sense of what has been happening in my life the last five days or so. My spiritual journey just went to the next level. Wow!!

Ok, so last Friday night was all night prayer at my church. Actually, we do more than just pray. It’s actually more like a prayer service but with praise and worship, the prophetic, and of course the spoken word. But the night is centered on prayer in which we start the first two hours in intercession and throughout the night praying for specifics collectively as the Holy Spirit leads.

Our all night prayer services, called War Cry, are every last Friday of the month. And since it began a couple months ago it has grown like wild fire. My church is rather small in congregation since it was only established about 18 months ago---maybe about 400 members. But because of the powerful prayer we do a lot of visitors are drawn to the church. And when the prophet is visiting from Africa many come out to hear his accurate revelations. The visiting prophet called one lady out to prophesy to her nine year old daughter. But before he did he asked the lady where she attended church and she told him [a well-known ministry in the area], but she said frankly that she comes to [my] church to get fed. Well, she got a full course meal on Friday cause after the prophet spoke specifics about her daughter, and husband who wasn’t there, the lady was speechless. I saw her for service on Sunday morning and Sunday evening.

Then……yours truly got called out--lol. Ok, let me say this right now before I go any further. I believe HEAVILY in the prophetic as well as laying hands to heal and deliver. I was brought up in the Pentecostal church so none of this is surprising to me. Back in the eighties, I actually witnessed my mother being drunk one night (many, many nights), went to church at the urging of a friend on the next night, and got instantly delivered from alcohol and cigarettes. Our household went from one extreme to the next in ONE WEEK!!!! And as soon as the Lord delivered my mother and stepfather the favor of God started flowing. We went from a low-income apartment complex to a well-known, admired, middle-class community in about a year and a half. Change happened quickly for my family. So I know first hand the power of God, and how He works through deliverance.

Ok, so I got called out on Friday night. It had to be about 2:30 in the morning. And I think I was walking in circles praying diligently and trying not to fall asleep---lol. My girlfriend, “E” was sitting next to me. She’s been visiting my church since January and says she always gets a breakthrough when she visits. And so the prophet came and laid his hands on "E", but then he had the deacons pull me out to the altar. Ok, in case you don’t know……I’m shy!! LOL. Ok, wait…….I have a very bold personality, but I know when to be assertive and when to be humble. I’m very assertive in the workplace and other places where needed. But when I get into the House of the Lord, I immediately humble myself. I’m like a sheep in church. I cry at any little thing and I am in a zone. A Holy Ghost zone---lol. I go to church to give up praise and worship to God and leave receiving whatever He has for me. I take my worship time in church VERY seriously. Church is a “no drama” zone for me. If there is an issue we can take it up in the parking lot. But in the House of God……..uhhhhh not---lol.

So the prophet calls me to the front and he looks at my stomach. I started to feel uncomfortable because I’ve been slacking on my crunches. I hate stomach exercises. Anyway……he kept staring at my stomach. And so he asks me where my children were. And I said that I didn’t have any children. And so he asked me why. I wanted to say…… “you tell me Mr. Prophet!” but I humbly said that I didn’t know. Then he asked why I wasn’t married. Again, I shrugged my shoulders. Cause I didn't know why I’m not married. I don’t know why [my friend] don’t know how to go past third base with me, and bring it on home---lol. Then he kept staring at me and the more he stared it was getting harder for me to hold back my tears. And then the tears started falling. Before he could lay his oily hands on my forehead I dropped to the floor.

On Saturday I was just out of it all day---physically, mentally, and spiritually. I was so exhausted. Cause the prophet (the one at my church and the ones I’ve seen in the past) usually comes with a word confirming what the receiver already knows. But his prophecy to me was as if he was telling me that I had the answers already, and that he didn’t need to tell me nothing cause I already knew. Well, he was kinda right. I mean, I did/do know that the little he told me was confirmed in my spirit. But I wanted him to delve deeply in it. I know/knew that my marriage is blocked. I just didn’t know how or why. You know we always blame this sort of issue on "another woman" not knowing the real force behind the block.

So Sunday I went to morning service. I started not to go cause I was still very much exhausted from all-night prayer and I wasn’t up for the 45 minute drive to church. But something in my spirit got me up just in time and said….. “GO!” The prophet was actually speaking on Sunday morning and so I did want to hear his message. When I got to church I glimpsed at the other side and saw that my mother and two aunts were visiting and sitting with my oldest sister. Service was awesome and right before it ended the prophet called one of my aunts out. Now let me remind you that I was sitting on the other side of the church. Dude had no idea that I was related to anybody over on that other side. He doesn't know us.

So the prophet calls my aunt out and tells her that her struggles are over. She, of course, starts crying. He then tells her that there was a curse put on her years ago that was supposed to take her out but instead of attacking her the curse went to her daughters. He told her that’s why her oldest daughter was lying in the hospital right now. So true. My cousin/sister has been battling this mysterious illness that has caused her to not walk. Doctors can’t figure it out. So all of a sudden, I quickened and got up to run out the church, but it was as if the Holy Spirit had grabbed me not to leave and I fell to the floor before I could even get out the row. As I lay there zoned, I heard the prophet tell my aunt that her daughter that is in the hospital marriage was blocked and that the girl over there (referring to me) marriage was blocked also, but when she fell (referring to me) the block was lifted on both of them. He kept saying that there was a relationship between us. That something was connecting us. So my pastor jumps up and says…… “They are all related---they are all family!” At that point I was no good.

After service my pastor told us to bring the entire family back that night because there are some strong generational curses that had to be broken in my family. I was all for it. Cause I don’t play with my life. And I ain’t got time to be held accountable for a relative’s issue that happened before I was born. Nope….wrong niece. I wasn’t planning to go to church that night cause I had to get up early for work the next morning, but I went. In between services my phone was ringing off the hook. Me and my cousin, the one in the hospital who I refer to as my sister, are the only two of the older cousins who are not married. We all grew up in the same household and so when the prophet said there was a link between her and me it made so much sense. My oldest sister who heard the entire prophecy said that the prophet said our marriages were blocked due to my aunt’s struggles. How…..I have no clue. Why me…….I have no clue. What I do know is that when satan gets a leak in……he is cunning and will try to take the strongest ones out. Me and my cousin are the two strongest ones out of 17 grandchildren. Ain’t a whole lot to that.

When I got to church that evening it was packed out. Everybody and their momma were visiting. And understandably so cause after the prophet called out this visiting dude’s license plates on Friday night and told him that the devil was trying to wipe out his life in a car accident that was to happen on Thursday at 3:00p many believers came to know that the Spiritual realm is real. The prophet described both cars and told dude which one was just in an accident and which was going to be involved in the next accident. Dude’s face was lit up like a Christmas tree. At one point he looked like….. “why did I agree to visit this crazy church” and on the other “tell me more.” The whole church was almost in tears, but we prayed over dude like we never prayed before. Before prophesying, the prophet preached a message on Ungodly Kingdoms, their purpose, and how to destroy them. I was all ears.

After service, my pastor met with my family and basically told us that we needed to go into heavy prayer and fasting because there are some strong ungodly kingdoms built in my family that is preventing us from living the life in which God purposed. I understood immediately for God can do anything, but He will not go against our will. Sooooo……I realize that some things only come through prayer and fasting. And that we had to surrender our will for God to have His way to fight on our behalf. Many ministries in my family have been blocked, there are untimely deaths, generational illnesses, and poverty. These are all results of ungodly kingdoms that have been set up in our lives. Either in front of our faces or behind our backs. All are set up in the spiritual realm, and orchestrated by satanic forces.

Over the course of blogging, I’ve spoken openly about my church journey over the years many times. After leaving the Pentecostal church I grew up in back in the early nineties I started frequenting a very well-known “word” church in the DC metro area. Though I’ve never been caught up in the prosperity movement (I just personally think that its a thin line between God's blessings and man's greedy motives in which gets out of Biblical truth) I was really feeling the “word” church movement because in the mid nineties I had come into this “intellectual Jill” that I really liked—lol. I was grasping knowledge back and forth, and growing into a person that I admired. However, though I was growing into Jill, I was spiritually mal-nourished. I mean, I have church notebooks filled with….. “the 10 steps to being a godly Christian in the workplace” or “the 5 steps to having a good godly attitude” or “the steps on living a prosperous life”, but I wasn’t being fed meat!!! I mean c’mon now…..all those messages could have been knocked out with one supreme message……. “What is the Holy Spirit and how to walk in obedience to the Word of God!!!” That’s it.

Just the last few years or so I have become burnt out with the mega-word church movement only because they’ve built me up so much that I’m no good for NOBODY. In fact, it’s all a freakin front because when I would get home I’d be depressed and unhappy. It wasn’t until real recent that I learned it is in our weakness that Christ becomes strong. And in our weakened, brokenness that God can began to use us. And so that’s what I’ve been grasping lately. Just being humbled before God so that He can have His perfect will in me. Me being that strong, black, professional woman is breaking down day by the day. Cause I’m learning that my profession and education can’t get me to where I need to be in God. In fact, my little gifts and talents that I lend to the church can only get me so far. If there is no anointing or if my “know-it-all” attitude can’t humble myself enough to hear from God, I will screw up a ministry. I see it happen all the time. So I understand that although I am an educated, professional in the world, my call to ministry could very well be to dust the pews and vaccum the sanctuary. I’m learning to be obedient to God’s perfect will.

Ok, so just as my pastor instructed...I have been doing a dry fast around the clock for the last few days. And so last night, since I’m not eating or doing any television or internet or anything secular, I felt like I needed to be in the presence of believers. My church was having service (the prophet is ministering at my church all week) but by the time I got home it was way too late for me to take the forty-five minute drive to Virginia. But something clicked and reminded me that my old church, which is a 3-minute ride from my house, was having Bible Study. So without any further thought I went.

Can I just say that I love my former pastor? Thanks. I love my former pastor!! He gets it. Unfortunately, the congregation doesn’t. Right before he went into his lesson on Moving Forward he’d asked that we continue singing a worship song but this time he wanted us to cry out to God with all that we had in us. Ok, it had to be approximately…….ummmm 1,500 people in the sanctuary. Probably more. But as soon as he gave the cue it seemed like he and I were the only ones crying out. I couldn’t believe it. It just took me back to a thought I use to have when visiting other ministries.

I mean, it’s sad when the congregation can’t grasp the fullness of God leaving the pastor out there alone to give up praise. My (current) pastor always tells us that praise and worship is like leaning on God’s doorbell. But what happens when He answers and opens the door? And that’s how I felt last night. Like a group of us had leaned on God’s doorbell and when He answered the only ones who had something to say were me and my (former) pastor. It was then that I really realized that a great portion of the body of Christ is not walking in the fullness of God. They’re missing out.

Over the years, I’ve heard comments about the Charismatic and/or Pentecostal church and how they are “spooky spiritual” or “radical” or just plain old LOUD. But I have to bear witness that the world we are living in is dangerous. And sometimes to get your message across you have to take any means necessary. If I can scream for my favorite singer on television, I can scream even louder for Christ. We are living in the midst of a spiritual war and there are demonic forces that are bounding God’s people. It’s time to move forward past these “get money, self-help, motivational speaking” type of messages. We need some folk who are going to fall on their knees and pray with everything they have in them. I mean, REALLY PRAY!!!

Just hearing the revelation that me being married is blocked by a demonic force that was put on my family years ago is disheartening. The devil knows that me and my husband together will cause his kingdom to tremble. That punk knew what he was doing. But guess what…..he done met his match now. Cause for the last few days I prayed, binded, destroyed, rebuked and cast down every satanic block that he not only put on me, but on my family as well. When dealing with warfare a pen and a little piece of 5x7 paper ain’t gonna do it. You gotta be completely armored by the Word of God. And not just writing it down and reciting it......BUT LIVING IT!!!

Today, after fasting and praying and loosing strong holds…..I walk in victory. I feel freer than I ever have. And if another person tells me that I look so radiant with a glow I’ma scream up to heaven and tell the Lord to turn down the light a little---lol. God is doing a great work in my family and I’m just taking it all in. Really, I am. But now that the block is gone I wonder how [my friend] will proceed. I haven’t told him yet what happened ;-).

Put on the whole armor of God that you may be able to stand against the wiles of the devil. For we do not wrestle against flesh and blood, but against principalities, against powers, against the rulers of the darkness of this age, against spiritual hosts of wickedness in the heavenly places. Therefore take up the whole armor of God that you may be able to withstand in the evil day, and having done all, to stand. –Ephesians 6:11-13

Green Thumb

2009-08-27T12:26:00.002-04:00

Lately, I’ve been in this really green thumb mood. Gotta be honest though….my thumb is more to the darker green side than the vibrant, plant green side—lol. Over the weekend, I did something that I never do……repotted my two little plants. Wait, actually I repotted one plant and bought another one and just changed the pot. I’ve never been really into plants. I’d pick fresh flowers any day over plants. But I have this Peace Lily that I’ve been raising over the last few years and it’s growing like wild flowers so, not knowing that much about plants, the least I know is when a plant needs more space to grow.

Spiritually, I’ve been studying the seed over the last few months. The revelation the Lord has given me concerning the seed---that is…the real seed, not money (lol)---is so amazing. Almost so that I can’t even break down what I’m learning in this blog and so I’m really praying about publishing it into a book. My first book (smile). We’ll see. To gain a full understanding of the seed in which I, as a human, can grasp requires learning the natural, as well as the spiritual process. And so I’ve been really getting into botany and biology to understand the natural growth process. Then I refer to the Word to gain a Spiritual understanding. It’s really deep. Especially how the seed relates to plants, child birth, and of course…..the Holy Spirit.

Ironically, something amazing happened to me yesterday concerning plants and I could hear the Lord giving me spiritual revelation as it was unfolding. Since I’ve been working here in the Federal government, I’ve gained somewhat of popularity because of…….my office plants (lol). I’d like to think that the work I do speaks volumes, but uhhhh……..lol. Anyway, when I first started working here, which was close to nine years ago, I admired my former boss’ plant. I can’t even tell you what type of plant it was because….I don’t know. And I didn’t care. I just thought it was very beautiful.

In my first week on the job, I gained an office mom. And so she revealed to me that she was the one who took care of my boss’ plants. So one day my office mom was repotting my boss’ plants and she took a piece of the plant and put it in some soil for me. I don’t even remember asking her for a piece. She just surprised me with a cute little orange flower pot (my favorite color) with a piece of the plant in it. That one little plant sat in the same place on my desk for the first five years on the job. And every time somebody would walk pass they would compliment my plant.

In those first five years, I use to joke with my colleagues saying that the plant represented my growth on the job. Cause I went from assisting the Director (while earning my master’s) to managing one of Bush’s infamous initiatives. In addition to that, I’m learning humility and self-control and how to deal with all types of folk and so many other character-building lessons. A real growth process. And so that plant has grown with me. And it just keeps growing and going with me. I changed desks, offices, and floors in the last nine years more than I change my bed sheets--lol. It’s just been constant growth---each situation getting better and better. And so that plant has been with me since the beginning.

Now things are a little different with that one little plant. It’s grown so much that not only is it touching the ceiling---very much a tree---but it has had babies. And grandbabies—lol. I’ve had so many admirers over the years that when my plant got repotted, it would be so large that I’d give pieces of it away. Ok, I didn’t…..my office mom did/does all the work—lol. But she’d ask my permission first before giving my stuff away—lol. As a result of all that growth, I’ve managed to keep the original plant and two of its well-grown and flourishing babies.

But yesterday, a colleague, Marsha, from another office came up and said…….. “Jill I was admiring Tabitha’s plant and she said that it came from your plant.” Ok, again, I don’t maintain my plants so once my office mom repots it could very well be true that a number of folk could get a piece of it. It’s a trickle effect—lol. So I listened to Marsha as she marveled while touching my plants. She was real frank with me. She said…. “Jill I need a piece of your plant.” She said that every time she comes up and passes through my office she "loves on" my plants. Even going as far to say that I have the best plants in the building! I was looking real dumb cause uhhhh, I only water these bad billies when I want to empty my stale drinking water to get a fresh cup--lol. Seriously. So I listened and was really opened to giving her a piece but I had one problem……I’m not the maintainer so I couldn’t give her nothing!!!

So I told Marsha who was really responsible for all of my beautiful plants and so we called my office mom around to my desk. As soon as my office mom got her, I sat back so that they could discuss green life. Their conversation at one point was going way above my head. So I just sat back and listened. Trying to learn a thing or two. But then Marsha told my office mom that all she needed to do was break off a piece of the top and that she’d put it in water. Then my ears perked up. I knew breaking off a piece from the top could very well sustain in water cause I have a colleague who has a piece of my plant on her desk sitting in water. It’s beautiful. And it’s been sitting there looking beautiful for the last several years. And if that’s all Marsha wanted then I was like……let's just break her off a piece.

But then Marsha said……. “I want my plants to look like Jill’s.” And then my office mom chimed in and said……. “Oh, then you would have to get it from the root!!” At this point I was in my chair praising God in my head. I kept saying over and over…….thank you Lord!!! And so my office Mom told Marsha that it wouldn’t be easy cause she would have to take the plant apart. I was all for it. And Marsha was too. She said she was patient. Cause she knew what she wanted. She said……. “ok, whenever I'm just claiming my piece first.” My office mom told her that she’d come in early this morning and do it. I just sat back and listened. I was taking it all in.

Last night as I was spending some time with the Lord He just began revealing this plant thing to me. See, I’m just a willing vessel. I admired the growth I saw someone else had, and so I inquired. And I opened myself up to receive. I did NOTHING but accept the gift by displaying it. Even when I fall short, watering the gift when it’s convenient for me, God is still there. He’s still faithful. Because when I’m not even around, He’s watering and maintaining. The only instructions He gave me is to…….spread the gospel and to love my bretheren. That is to display and share. Show His beauty and share it with others. Be an example and walk upright before men, so that they will want what I was given. We ain't talking bout no conceited, "I'm better than others cause I got what you can't get mess." Not at all. I'm talking about just showing the goodness of God. Cause even when I want to take credit for these beautiful plants……I can’t!! Cause it’s not me doing none of this.

Then the Lord revealed another thing. Marsha could have very well taken the top piece. And she would have gotten it immediately, and went on with her green life. IF it even survives, having the top piece doesn’t require nothing but putting it in water and changing the water when it gets dirty. But the only growth it will have is downward--again that's if it survives. My other colleague’s plant is beautiful on the outside, but the leaves and vines are just sprouted all over her file cabinet, very limp. To many, her plant is perfect because she doesn’t have to spend time replanting and repotting, and getting all messy. But to some of us…..her plant serves no purpose because she can’t share it.

See, now I’m about to preach---lol. But when you know what you are missing and know what you want you are willing to go through whatever process to get long-term results. Soooo many folk take the easy road out maintaining in water! God forbid that beautiful vase spill over….cause not only will the vase break but the little liquid that is maintaining you will be gone too. It’s so temporary. But when you are PLANTED in the soil your growth is upward and you can see life. A quality life.

This morning when I got in I opened my email and there was a message from Marsha. She simply said…… “Jill, thank you so much for the plant.” And I replied with a simple…… “Anytime, enjoy the growth.” When I looked around at all three plants I couldn’t even tell which one had been touched. There was no dirt residue and I couldn’t even tell if there were any leaves missing. Then the Lord spoke to me clearly and said……. “See, it costs you NOTHING to share what I have given you.”

Through Jesus, therefore, let us continually offer to God a sacrifice of praise—the fruit of lips that confess his name. And do not forget to do good and to share with others, for with such sacrifices God is pleased. –Hebrews 13:15-16

“For a good tree does not bear bad fruit, nor does a bad tree bear good fruit. For every tree is known by its own fruit. For men do not gather figs from thorns, nor do they gather grapes from a bramble bush. A good man out of the good treasure of his heart brings forth good; and an evil man out of the evil treasure of his heart brings forth evil. For out of the abundance of the heart his mouth speaks.” –Luke 6:43-45

A Bump on the Log

2009-08-25T13:40:00.005-04:00

For the past several weeks, “E” and I have been reminiscing on the childhood we shared. In particular, one of our favorite childhood activities…..crossing the log. Just a couple days ago, “E” revealed that she had been spending some personal time reflecting on the log and how she’s now realizing that it was very symbolic in making and molding us into whom we are today. And so last night, I began thinking really deeply about the log too, and how it was indeed used as a symbolism in our lives.

Me, “T”, “E”, and another tag-a-long friend “K” had to be around 8 years old when we discovered the log. Seriously, it used to be a group of us girls playing together, but to the life of me I only remember the four of us at the log. I’m sure there were lots of times when more than the four of us crossed the log, but it was those light bulb moments when only the four of us were there.

Our apartment complex, as I mentioned in other entries, wasn’t that big. There were 11 garden-style buildings that made up the entire complex. Me, “T”, and “E’s” buildings were connected together in the most popular section referred to as the “court”. The court sat smack dab in the middle of the complex. Behind the complex was a streaming creek that ran from Sheriff Rd. thru George Palmer Hwy and ended somewhere just before Central Avenue. In relating terms…..the creek ran for a good 7-10 miles.

On the other side of the creek was a community of semi-detached homes. Just the other night, me and “E” talked about how we always thought that the neighborhood across the creek was for well-to-do folk. Lawns were nicely manicured and everybody seemed to have a car parked on their side of the driveway. They just seemed to be living. Ironically, “E’s” aunt and uncle had a home over in that neighborhood and often we’d visit because their house always had some type of family function.

But that side of the creek just always seemed to fascinate us. For one, they had the basketball court where all the cute guys hung out. We weren’t into boys back then, we were too young, but there always seemed to be a sense of security being around the basketball court. But another thing we liked was that the candy lady lived in one of the houses. She had sour pickles and all flavored Now Laters. But I guess our favorite reason we liked going to the other side was because they had the best playground. All of their swing sets had swings. And their seesaw wasn’t missing handles. And they had a covered shelter just in case it rained. Many days we’d sit under the shelter and just talked or played hand games (remember……SLIIIDE).

The view from each one of our apartments looked over the creek and into the other side. I remember clearly that one of the best views was at night when the basketball court was fully lit and all the “big boys” would be playing ball. Just having clean fun. The view on the other side was really nice. Day or night. Ok, I ain’t saying that we lived in a dump, but compared to the other side it was quite obvious that those who lived in the apartments were just getting by. I mean, most of our mother’s were single and living on the system, and those who weren’t I’m sure only had temporary plans for being there. But we made the best of what we had. We never got bored. Even on our piece of playground we had lots of fun. But we had something the other side didn’t have…..the pool (might I add that we are all great swimmers today because of that pissy pool—lol). But the pool only gave us fun for a good 3 months out the year. We had to be creative during our playtime. And so that’s when we discovered “the log”.

You know, me and “E” were trying to figure out when we actually discovered the log. I don’t really remember. All I remember is that lightening LITERALLY bolted from the sky, struck a huge tree which caused it to fall across the creek from the other side to our side. One day I guess we were playing house down by the creek as we did often and discovered that the log could get us to the other side.

The way the log was situated couldn’t have been more perfect. The log was located right behind the court. In pre-log days, in order to get to the other side we would have to walk around the long way. That is…..walk down to George Palmer Hwy and cross over the little trail. But the log cut all of that hiking out. All we had to do was walk around behind my building and try our best to walk down the dirt hill without tumbling into the streaming water. Many days we’d all hold hands and walk down together. Cause if one fell, we all fell. The log became the short-cut for EVERYBODY. It became so famous that all of the ballers would just run across it to get to the basketball court.

Then one day. One day. One day.

One day, the four of us wanted to go to the playground on the other side and so we decided to cross the log. But we were too young to walk across like the big boys. So what we did was sat on the log with both our legs hanging on each side of the log and we scooted across. Scooting slowly across became the norm for us. But one day, we were almost across, probably in the middle, and these boys from the other side started messing with us and shook the log while we were on it. I think that was the first group fear that we’d experienced. Wait a minute……no probably the haunted house at McDonalds—lol. But being stuck on that log was a very fearful experience. But we stuck together until the boys left us alone. And we didn’t turn around. We kept scooting to our destination.

But then one day---in which says a lot about my character today---we decided that we wanted to walk across the log. Me and “E” were discussing this the other night. And so I asked her, cause I couldn’t remember--lol, but I asked her who was the first to walk across. And she says…… “Jill, you know it was you!” But then I did remember. I remember when I walked across the log. But right before I had made it across, I fell. I fell off the log and into the muddy water. “E” said that I said I fell cause I saw a monkey---lol. I don’t quite remember that…..but I do remember falling. But I got back up. Actually, I remember walking down the creek until I found an opening to climb to land. And guess what……I wasn’t looking for the opening that led back home. Nope. It was an opening on the other side. But that says so much about my character today. I can make it almost there (in whatever situation), but then fall off. I fall off right before reaching the finish line. But I get back up and I try again. This says a lot about me today.

By the time we were 10, we were almost running across that log. I remember distinctly all of us having jelly shoes. I had red ones. I loved those things---lol. But not when it was really hot outside cause those things would soften on your feet like hot wax—lol. But it was understood that if we were crossing the log to get to the other side, we had to change our shoes. We had to put on our tennis shoes. Our Kinney Kapers. Many times our feet slipped off the log causing some very painful situations. But that didn’t stop us. Neither did all of the rodents and reptiles down in that nasty creek. I can’t stand the outdoors now-lol. That’s one thing that me and [my friend] have both determined…..we’re not campers and we do not do the great outdoors--lol. But back then it didn’t bother me. It didn’t bother none of us. It was quite clear wild life was down there in the creek, but we had a mission. And I can’t remember ever turning around without accomplishing our mission.

Before I moved away I remember the log collapsing. No longer was it a bridge, but it had turned into a non-floating raft. You could indeed still walk across, but the challenge was gone. “E” doesn’t really remember the collapsed log, she only remembers the one that served as a bridge. She remembers the log that either you were up for the challenge and took your chances, or you weren’t. And I can almost put my life on it that we were the YOUNGEST FEMALES, if not the only females who took the challenge to cross that creek. We saw a better side with great opportunity and so we took our chances. Together. And even when we fell, ok I fell—lol, we got back up and tried again. But we had vision. We saw what we wanted and we went after it. And not once, and not twice……but we kept crossing it to get what we wanted.

This past weekend, “E’s” family had a cookout at her aunt and uncle’s house who still resides in the same house on “the other side”. Well, her uncle still does. Her aunt passed away a couple years ago. But after spending time with her family, “E” called me and said……. “Guess what I did today???” I was guessing everything but what it really was. I was like…..what, you went to church; what, you called so-and-so. Then finally she said…… “I went looking for the log.” After 30 years, “E” went looking for that darn log--lol. She told me that it is indeed gone. In fact, she said that there is a fence that blocks the apartment residents from crossing into the other side.

After we hung up, I started reminiscing and too thinking about all the life lessons that came out of crossing that log from faith to determination to persistence to preparation to facing our fears to teamwork to friendship to soooo many lessons. Then I thought about how disappointed I felt when “E” told me about the fence. I mean, is it really necessary. C’mon….Seat Pleasant is all one big hood now anyway. What are you really separating!! I mean, seriously—lol. But then I thought again and said to myself…… “oh, we would have climbed that fence.”

……..but this one thing I do, forgetting those things which are behind, and reaching forth unto those things which are before, I press toward the mark for the prize of the high calling of God in Christ Jesus. -- Philippians 3:13-14

With These Hands......

2009-08-22T22:09:00.002-04:00

Can I just say that I really hate going to the nail salon. Its just such an inconvenience to me. I really don’t know what the real reason for me not liking to go other than…….I don’t like to go.

So yesterday I forced myself to go and get my nails done cause I needed a fill-in some kinda bad. I’m not one of those acrylic nail girls with the bright colors and designs. Nope. I do a basic sheer neutral, with short-length square shape and rounded on the corners. To the average looker it would seem that I have long nails, but in actuality I have long fingers.

So I sat down with my regular nail technician and he did the usual before getting started….complimented me on my hands. He told me, “Jill you are still champion!!” “You have most beautiful hands out of all customers!!” “Just beautiful”. I smiled. In my head I was like yeah, yeah they probably tell all of their customers this. Then I thought, he probably just remember how well I tip so he’ll tell me anything to get my $25.

After he’d finished, and after I got a pedicure, I went to the back to sit under the nail dryer. A few minutes later a middle-aged Black woman sits across from me. She smiled but didn’t say anything. It was clear that we were both just trying to get dried so we could go on about our real duties. But just as we were both squirming in our seats, the nail technician came to the back and told the lady……. “This is Jill.” “This is the lady I always talk about hands.” I looked up like….huh. Then the lady perks up and says….. “Oh…so you’re Jill!!!” When the technician left the lady told me that all the technicians talk about my hands all the time. I was like “Shut-up!!” I couldn’t believe it. Cause to be honest I didn’t even know they knew my name. And out of all their many customers they remember my name and my hands. Wow. Here I thought dude was just trying to patronize me.

Over the years, I’ve heard it more than enough times that I should be a hand model. I have a girlfriend that tells me I’m missing my calling and that I should contact a modeling agency before I get any older. It goes in one ear and out the other. Granted, I’m not blind. I do realize that I have beautiful hands, but to be honest…..I’m not that vain. I mean, the Lord has blessed me with several standout features but I’m quite sure that what He blessed me with is for specific purposes to glorify Him and not for public display.

That reminds me of one time at my old church the congregation was standing and lifting our hands in corporate prayer and this lady sitting behind me tapped me on the shoulder and asked what color nail polish I had on. YES WHILE WE WERE PRAYING!!! I couldn’t believe it. It is for that very reason that I stopped wearing colored nail polish to church. And we ain’t even gonna talk about on the toes. If I must wear open toe shoes to church…..in which I try my absolute best not to….I most definitely am going with a neutral on the toes. I NEVER wear red polish on my toes anyway (a childhood issue that I won’t bring up in this entry), but I love the way orange shades look on my feet.

My family was brought up in a church where no open toe shoes were allowed and we had to wear stockings. If it was the summer and the temperature was hitting 100 degrees…then we wore knee-hi’s. But we had to cover our legs and we had to cover our feet. Though very old school traditions, those are traditions that I still hold firm to today. Me and my girlfriend had a conversation the other day because she asked if I wore sandals to work and I said….absolutely not. Nothing against anybody else, other than I can’t stand to see women wearing flip flops to the office, but for me…..I just don’t feel comfortable doing it. I mean, I gotta admit…..I don’t do the stockings thing. I even made it clear that I will be a bride that will not be wearing stockings on my wedding day and yes…..I do plan on getting married in the church. But its just something about stockings that do not agree with my legs. As soon as I put them on I get a run. So its best that me and stockings stay at a decent distance from on another--lol.

But I try my best to wear my feet covered--that is not wearing open toe shoes in certain places. Don't get me wrong...I'm a sandal wearer and LOVE to wear my feet out. But it’s just been over the last two years or so that I have worn open toe shoes to church. And its more that I feel a little comfortable wearing them because I see my first lady wearing them. But I keep it more reserved and not......bam, look at my feet!!! I’m understanding more and more that hands and feet can be very seductive and so I am very mindful of how I carry both.

Back to my hands. You know its just been in the last few months or so that I realize that my ministry is in my hands. Blogging does no justice at how I use my hands. Ok, I take that back cause obviously my little journaling is doing something cause the email replies that I’m getting are amazing. Just to think……I’m only talking about my little daily living. But other than blogging, I can write a mean proposal, design beautiful programs and booklets, and those who are fortunate enough to get my personal letters know that I can pull a tear or two out a reader. But I’m accepting that the Lord has put a powerful gift in my hands. And so I am being very conscious of how I use my hands.

You know what’s funny? Every now and again when the devil is mad at me cause he sees something good coming down the pike for me I find myself hurting my hands. It could be the most haphazard situation. For instance, I have a sore on the top of my hand that happened about a month ago. I was coming out of the elevator and tried to prevent the doors from closing cause someone was trying to catch it and my right hand got scratched. I had no idea that two weeks after I got the scratch my pastor would ask me to put together a proposal for him.

My eyes are opened now. Really opened. Cause I think of all the lustful things I’ve done with my hands---just being honest here---and how the devil just tried to destroy the tool in which the Lord put power in. Even going as far as to convince me that my hands should be displayed on a picture having no real use. My pastor was right. At the beginning of the year he told me that this year things will begin to be so much clearer for me. And I’m seeing clearer more and more every day.

Make it your ambition to lead a quiet life, to mind your own business and to work with your hands, just as we told you, so that your daily life may win the respect of outsiders and so that you will not be dependent on anybody. --1 Thessalonians 4:10-12

From the fruit of his lips a man is filled with good things as surely as the work of his hands rewards him. --Proverbs 12:14

Parked in Neutral

2009-08-16T14:58:00.009-04:00

Wow. Wasn’t gonna speak about this topic because it is a very touchy one and one that is very personal. But over the last week I have been a part of several situations in which this topic has presented itself. It’s the topic of TRIANGULATION. You know…….when three people are involved in a situation and two of the people are at odds, and the third is left to flow whichever way the wind blows. Ok, let me clarify. The situations in which I’ve experienced this week is not at all about cattyness, just issues in which grown woman---or should I say godly woman---decisions had to be made and/or given.

Throughout my life I’ve been on all sides of triangulation. One of the most hurting sides of triangulation, in which just up until the last five years or so have tried to take me out, is the low end side. YESSSS, satan’s scheme was so strong that it tried to destroy me cause I wasn’t equipped enough to destroy him. Since I was a teen I was subjected to a family member who showed blatant favoritism over me to other cousins in the family. For years I tried to figure it out, often times reacting out of anger causing deeper tension in the family. And for years I blamed my cousins who actually had nothing to do with the situation. They were actually the neutral party.

Growing up I didn’t understand that. I just knew that whatever I did or said just would not measure up. And whatever they did was accepted with open arms. I was held accountable for "being me". Not realizing years later, after fully accepting who I am, being me became very instrumental in my life's accomplishments. But yes, it was very hurtful stuff. And yes…….unfortunately this demonic force even went well into my thirties. But it wasn’t until I figured out the power of God’s love and how His love teaches how to forgive that satan’s little plans had to cease. I remember the day that I released that family member and truly forgave in my heart. I haven’t had any problems since. Ok let me clarify…..satan’s little weapons no longer prospers against me. LOL-let me just make that clear.

But I’ve also been on the other side of triangulation. The side in which I was the favored. The high end of triangulation. Back in the nineties I was doing public relations for the entertainment industry and was making a name for myself producing good work. And so I was approached by the manager of a then up-and-coming R&B boy band to do some image development, branding, and publicity for the guys. The job seemed doable so I gladly hopped on board. Immediately, the guys took a liken to me. They were in their early twenties and I was a couple years older and so I not only acted as their publicist, but also their big sister. Me and the guys would go EVERYWHERE together. Just me and a bunch of guys. Many times we’d spend the night in the studio recording songs and they’d want my feedback and advice. I’ve always had a keen ear to music and so my advice, even to some of the areas top producers, was always taken seriously. On top of that, since I had my own little connections, I’d hook them up with private auditions going well outside of my PR duties.

Then one day the guys called me on 3-way and said that they came to a decision that I would be more suited to be their manager than……their manager. I clearly understood where they were coming from because working with them for over a year I witnessed some shabby business practices in which their manager had sole discretion over. The guys expressed their frustration and asked if I would take on the responsibility. Me having a very good rapport and relationship with their manager, I had no idea what to say and how to go about the transition. I too was still young. But I never forget that during that time was when Yolanda Adam’s song, Open My Heart, was out and so after I hung up with them I played that song over and over until I decided that yes I would do it.

When their manager received the news it was ugly. I didn’t know what to say, how to react, or how to proceed. But it was clear from the guys that if they didn’t make this move with me then they’d be moving on to another manager. I certainly didn’t want that. Cause we had all formed such a bond. And so it was very ugly. Here this guy developed these boys from young teens and now that they grew into their manhood they felt the need to flex their power. That’s how the entertainment business operates. And so that’s how we proceeded. Of course the friendship/business relationship I had with their former manager ceased. And of course I, being on the other side, felt really awkward. Cause he and I, though we didn’t always see eye-to-eye, we worked very well together. There was definitely a balance. But not even two years later, just before the guys were booked to perform in the Virgin Islands at the Jazz Fest, I received an opportunity to do PR for several Gospel artist and so I decided to give up artist management and follow my passion.

As I said, I’ve been on all sides of triangulation. Its been a really long time since I’ve been on the “choose me or them” side cause even now when situations like that occur I be the first to pull out. Cause really, it ain’t that serious. In the grand scheme of MY LIFE, I have the choice not no one else. But over the last few years the side that has become the most difficult is the neutral party side. Being the neutral party will ALWAYS question your loyalty and character.

Ok, I may get darts thrown at me for this one, but I feel the strong need to share in order to get my point across. Ok, so a few years back, I found out that one of my best girlfriends was seeing the same man as one of my “probationary” girlfriends. It was funny how it happened, but I put two and two together and realized that both girlfriends had been bragging to me about the same dude. When I found out I was actually having a phone conversation with my “probationary” girlfriend. I say probationary because she and I had been college buddies in undergrad and was trying to develop a friendship outside of the only thing we had in common. And so if you know me you know that friendship is a building process for me.

Anyway, so I was on the phone with my probationary girlfriend and she made mention of a situation in which my best girlfriend had mentioned to me prior. And so I started inquiring and sure enough it was the same dude. My probationary girlfriend was quite upset and so she immediately put “her boyfriend” on the 3-way and of course he denied any other relationship outside of her. He did, however, acknowledge that he knew my best girlfriend and assured her that there was absolutely no feelings involved (yeah, yeah).

I couldn’t hang up fast enough before I called my best girlfriend. And what I expected was clearly not what happened. As I was telling my girlfriend about the situation I heard a cold tone. To make a long story real short……..I was blamed for being a disloyal friend. Because my best girlfriend felt that since she and I had known each other for close to twenty-five years I should have………ok, it wasn’t clear what she felt I should have done. But bottomline, she questioned my loyalty. She felt that I should have cut off my friendship with the other. But then I thought about it. Both of these girls had been very instrumental in my life; nothing short of a blessing. I’ve laughed, cried, struggled, and triumphed with BOTH. And so I made the decision to stand firm in maintaining both as my friends. My probationary girlfriend understood wholeheartedly. In fact, she was very turned off by dude after that and so their relationship suffered. But my best girlfriend, for whatever reason, blamed me for dude’s game and so she decided to break our friendship. I was totally shocked……..but I knew I wasn’t the wrong one and so I shut the door behind her exit.

This week a few situations have come up where being the neutral party was placed in HIGH-TEST mode. These were situations involving siblings and their exes (deep breath). Ok, can I just say that…………ok, I really don’t know what the heck to say (lol). Ummm, relationships come and some relationships go. But I guess my question is…….just because a sibling is now handling an ex relationship/friendship with a long-handed spoon (in some case a darn shovel--lol) do the neutral parties have to be conformed to the changes???? I mean, over the years some of us have ridden the roller coaster more times than we cared to. And can I just say that a sistah is TIRED.

But aside from all the drama, I gotta say…..I love ALL of my siblings’ exes. YES…….ok wait let me think (lol)………YES I LOVE THEM ALL!!! In some way they have had an impact on my life that is not easily broken. Many of them just for giving me absolutely beautiful nieces and nephews. And so to me……..those exes will always be a part. No need to question. They come with the package. I mean, unless they have done something personally to ME, there is no reason to make a decision to cut the relationship. Ok, wait a minute….let me rephrase this……I mean, if they did something detrimental to me OR my sibling YES there will be problems--lol. Cause I ain’t got no problem confronting a situation if one of us is deeply hurting. But normal relationship crap……nope ain’t strong enough to break the bond. And I don’t feel the need to get involved.

Even when me and my sister was about to jump my sister’s ex while vacationing in California cause he broke bad with the both of us (this was YEARS ago--lol) we squashed our differences before we got on the plane. Cause God forbid the plane would have gone down on our wrath…umph. From that sister’s relationship alone, I still claim three brother-in-laws. (Deep breath) the things are heart make us do--lol.

Ok, but now the issue comes with the newbie. Hmmmmmmm. How in the world do we embrace the new while preserving the old?????? I mean, I’m fine with it. But why do we have to be put in the situation of feeling disloyal?????? You know what I’ve come to realize, and this ain’t pointing no fingers its just really knowing me and my loved ones true heart and motives, the insecurity 9 times out of 10 comes from the ex. A couple of days ago I was having a good conversation with my sister’s ex concerning my nephew. And my ex brother-in-law made some comments about my current brother-in-law that were uncalled for. And so, loving both dudes, I almost felt like I had a gag order in place for speaking my true feelings. Cause I didn’t want my ex brother-in-law to feel slighted.

But then I thought to myself……… “heck no!!!!” I will not allow their silent feud to gag me. It ain’t fair. It shows that I can’t be genuine and honest with a person that I call my brother. And aside from that.......anybody should have the right to express their true feelings in a relationship without worrying if the relationship would suffer. And so I said what I had to say, and although not immediately accepted, it really opened up a good dialog from there. We ended up talking for a good two hours after that. Even getting my crazy sister on the line to put in her little two cents.

But I guess my question is……..do we really have to choose one over the other????? Do we really have to forfeit one relationship in exchange for the other???? Prior to writing this entry I thought about this thing long and hard. I mean, I would be hurt if my husband’s family told me that they have decided to maintain all loyalty to my husband’s ex because that’s who was there first, and that’s who they’ve built the relationship with first. To be frank…..that to me is a relationship breaker. My profession is in marriage education and one of the biggest conflicts in a marriage is IN-LAWS. And knowing how I was unfavored growing up, the first thing I would think if my children went to my in-laws is.......are they being treated fairly. No one should have to feel this way with family. NO ONE. And it just really hurts my heart to know that children are forced to be victims to adults negativity.

Even typing this is hurting. I mean…….can’t we just all get along!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Seriously. It just goes back to who is really having the control in this. Is it the family or the ex or the newbie. If there is a true love and understanding between the ex and the family, then the ex has got to know that he/she will ALWAYS be loved (ESPECIALLY when children are involved) and that the family have enough room to love others as well. Regardless of the situation and how the newbie came to be. Embracing the newbie has nothing at all to do with the ex. It actually has nothing to do with the sibling. It really has to do with God placing people in your path for whatever reason. I would hate to get to heaven and the Lord says to me…….your sister’s boyfriend who you failed to embrace was sent by me to fulfill that missing link in your purpose in which you didn‘t complete on earth. It hurts me to think about this. We don’t know how God is going to use people in our lives. Or better yet.......how we are to be used in other people's lives.

One of my good associates is the ex girlfriend of a guy who I'd been talking to for years. Back then when I found out that he was dating her I was floored. But I ended up running into her on the metro and she knew of my family and so she approached me. She and I had a very nice conversation. Then I ran into her at a wedding and I discovered that she was a photographer. No, she and I do not speak to each other on a daily basis now, we will email each other every couple of years, but back when I was doing PR she did a few headshots for my guys. And it was only because I decided to pull my guards down that she and I developed a really good relationship. One of the gigs that she did for me turned into a lucrative deal for her. I have many of those, pulling my guards down to embrace God's plan stories. Ummmm..........my God-daughter.

Soooooooo……….its for this reason that I’ve decided to continue standing firm in neutral. All of this triangulation stuff has been a constant life lesson for me. And because of it I’m learning how to be a better sister, friend, and auntie to all of my nieces and nephews. I treat them ALL fairly. And when each are in my company they get that one-on-one treatment. That’s how my grandparents demonstrated their love to us. They have 17 grandchildren and they made it clear that they had enough love for each one of us. I stand firm on what they taught. I’m not blocking God’s flow for NOBODY’S insecurity. I refuse to block who and what God places in my path. I REFUSE. And I’m standing firm. And that goes for the old and the new.

Oh, I dare not end this entry without mentioning that my best girlfriend and I mended our differences. As I said, I was standing firm on neutral and will continue to stand firm. But she realized that some loser was not worth a lifelong friendship. It took a couple of years but we have rebuilt. Cause what God has ordained NOBODY can block. At least not if two of us are in agreement.

Give to everyone who asks of you. And from him who takes away your goods do not ask them back. And just as you want men to do to you, you also do to them likewise. “But if you love those who love you, what credit is that to you? For even sinners love those who love them. And if you do good to those who do good to you, what credit is that to you? For even sinners do the same. And if you lend to those from whom you hope to receive back, what credit is that to you? For even sinners lend to sinners to receive as much back. But love your enemies, do good, and lend, hoping for nothing in return; and your reward will be great, and you will be sons of the Most High. For He is kind to the unthankful and evil. --Luke 6:30-35

In Memory of Eunice Kennedy Shriver

2009-08-12T12:58:00.009-04:00

I received word this morning that my former boss, the Honorable Eunice Kennedy Shriver, passed away. Wow. What an extraordinary woman.

I met Mrs. Shriver years ago when I was in undergrad studying public relations. A friend of a friend who knew somebody who was professionally connected to a person that worked in the HR department of the Kennedy Foundation was looking for an assistant for Mrs. Shriver. And just like God’s divine order and timing, I was asked if I’d be interested in the position. Its funny because Mrs. Shriver only needed somebody for 3 months to cover her Executive Assistant’s duties while she did some missions work in South Africa. But again, just like divine order…..God gave me favor. Cause I brought not only strong administrative skills to the table but I also knew how to handle the public. This was a plus working for Mrs. Shriver and so I started doing more than what the job called for.

When Mrs. Shriver’s assistant returned from her Africa trip she called to thank me for keeping order in the office, and then she said jokingly…… “I think you’re trying to steal my job.” That joke became a reality because a couple months after that I received a call from HR that Mrs. Shriver’s assistant had resigned and that Mrs. Shriver personally asked for me to take the position. That following Monday I reported downtown for duty.

Wow! I can’t even begin to tell all that I gained working for Mrs. Shriver. Even though I had already built a nice resume, I was young so I went in humbly. I knew that there was a lot to learn from the Kennedy matriarch, and I was so ready to receive. And receiving is what I did. Life lessons that have stuck with me to this day, I learned from working for Mrs. Shriver. Working for her is why to this day my daily prayer is that the Lord will put me at the right place, at the right time, doing the right thing, with the right people, for the right reason according to his perfect will for my life.

One of the first lessons that I learned from working at the Kennedy Foundation was the power of a name. My rolodex had people from Oprah to Dan Rather to Michael Jordan in it. It was nothing for me to call celebrities and say that I had Mrs. Shriver on the line and they’d take the call immediately. One time a friend of the Shrivers had called the office distraught because his daughter had received a rejection letter for admission to Georgetown University. Mrs. Shriver told the friend that she’d handle it. Actually, I handled it..... in her name. I called the Dean of Admissions and within hours---I said HOURS---an acceptance letter was faxed to the girl.

Another lesson that I learned from working for Mrs. Shriver was ain’t nobody trippin off of a diva attitude. I loved the fact that the Kennedy clan didn’t walk around like celebrities. Ted Kennedy would stop in during lunch to eat a half a sandwich and soup with his sister and then would go out and grab a taxi back to the hill. I loved when he stopped in cause most of the youngsters had no idea who he was. And he was so not phased by it. He’d wobble through and wave often times waiting for the receptionist to call me to come out and get him.

Maria [Shriver] the same way. She’d call and say…. “Jill I know you all are busy, but is mother available?” Sometimes as she would wait for her mom to get off of the phone we’d have a conversation. I’d never forget when Maria told me to make sure that I am absolutely ready to be married before taking the plunge. That conversation was way over my head back then, but I heard every word she said and took her advice to heart.

I always say that you can tell the difference between old money and new money cause new money feels the need to make it known. New money is very flashy and arrogant. The Kennedy’s fame and wealth is in their DNA. They don’t trip off of being well-known. In fact, Mrs. Shriver had me book all of her flights commercial in coach. And she insisted that she’d drive her own Cadillac to work, not needing a driver. She thought it a waste of money to hire one. Many times I’d have to send the mailroom guys down to the garage to help Mrs. Shriver bring up groceries for the office. Those would be the days she’d be a little late coming in.

Another lesson was the importance of family. I’m telling you……the Kennedys are the closest Caucasian family I know—lol. I thought Blacks and Latinas were co-dependent on family, but the Kennedys…..wow!! Most of the phone calls during the day would be from Mrs. Shriver’s children or nieces and nephews. They absolutely LOVED their mom and auntie. And grandmother……I thought my grandmother held the BEST GRANDMOTHER AWARD, but Mrs. Shriver gave my grarndmother some competition--lol. Mrs. Shriver took her motherly duties very serious.

My office was adjacent to Mrs. Shriver’s office and one day she buzzed my phone and told me that she had an emergency fax that needed to get out right away. I dropped everything I was doing and ran into her office. I just knew it had something to do with a project we were working on with Tom Brokaw, so I went running. But to my surprise she gave me this handwritten list that said…… “My Birthday Wish List”. She told me to fax it to all of her children immediately. Me and my crazy self looked at her and said…… “Mrs. Shriver this is your emergency!” She looked at me and said….. “Just do what I said Jill!” And I did. Cause she could be very, very feisty. I remember there were five items next to each of her five children’s names. And the first two items were……new patio furniture and a cashmere coat. I couldn’t believe it. But you’d better believe that she got everything she asked her children for on her wish list. Cause they'd die for their momma.

Another lesson is the importance of home. Ok, let me make this official. It was because of working for Mrs. Shriver that I took an interest in real estate and eventually got my license. When I came on board, the Shrivers were in transition because a couple months prior their home in the Potomac had caught fire and so they had to live temporarily at a home in Chevy Chase. A major part of my job was helping them transition back into their Potomac home. I’d coordinate and arrange with the interior decorator, the movers, the landscapers, etc. Daily we would get phone calls from realtors who were interested in selling either of the homes. And one day, I took it upon myself to inquire why there was such a big interest. I got the right realtor on the line and he broke it down to me. Unfortunately, they weren’t interested in selling but it helped me learn a few real estate techniques dealing with distinguished properties.

But Mrs. Shriver made sure that her homes were the center of life. There have been several media pieces done on the Shrivers and their Potomac home. One I remember was Mrs. Shriver, in her later years, playing soccer with her grandchildren on the front lawn. Yes, she had to be eighty years old when that article came out a couple of years ago. But she was kicking the ball in her nice manicured yard. And fresh flowers were delivered to the home on a weekly basis. And the home itself…….just impeccable. I remember having to make sure that the Safeway invoices were paid. No, no, no……the Shrivers didn’t have to go to the grocery store. Their housekeeper would call in the groceries and they’d be delivered from the Safeway up on Wisconsin Avenue. Talk about living. What I’d do to stay out that darn Giant!

Another lesson was the importance of being good to people. One day Mrs. Shriver had to catch an emergency flight out to see her sister. But it was the day that a 5th grade class had scheduled a field trip at the Kennedy Foundation as part of a history lesson. When they arrived they were so disappointed that Mrs. Shriver wasn’t there. And not so much because she was a former President’s sister, but more because she was Arnold Schwarzenegger’s mother-in-law--lol. But they were so disappointed. And other than taking them to see Sarge, Mrs. Shriver’s husband who is simply THE BEST, I needed to figure out how to make their trip worthwhile. So what I did was made each student a press kit with all kinds of pictures and stuff and told them that Mrs. Shriver was so distraught that she had to miss them that she wanted them to have something very special. A couple of weeks later, the teacher wrote me a letter thanking me for the kind gesture and said that it was the highlight of the trip. The funny thing is that I had to arrange for more press kits to be made since it wasn’t in the plan to give out 25 to children, but I felt I had to do what I had to do. Who knows….one of those children could be inspired enough to be our next president.

About a year or so into working for Mrs. Shriver I had to make a tough decision. I was in my senior year in undergrad and had to do a 30-hour a week internship. I had applied to several public relations firms, media outlets, and so forth. And with the help of Mrs. Shriver I could have interned just about anywhere in the is country that I wanted to. But there was an opportunity that came through that I just could not pass up. It was working in the PR department of the Recording Industry Association of America. On my last day working for Mrs. Shriver, she gave me her daughter’s, Maria Shriver, book and wrote something in there that would change my perspective about myself. She simply told me that I will succeed in anything that I choose to do in life because I have tenacity. To be honest, I didn’t know what tenacity meant until I asked around. Once I learned what it meant, I have held on to those words ever since.

There was one last thing, and probably the most important, that Mrs. Shriver taught me that has literally been the blueprint of my life is the power of one. The power of one making a difference in the life of another. The Shrivers have done a superb job of giving back to the community. What they’ve done with the Special Olympics and the Kennedy Foundation is remarkable. And it is because of seeing their efforts first hand that shifted my interest from public relations to public service. When I went back to school to get my Master’s I knew that I wanted to learn how to serve professionally. And so I called Mrs. Shriver to ask her advice. By this time she was frailing and had already suffered from a few ailments. But she told me to consider a Master’s in Public Administration. And so that’s what I did. In 2004, I earned my MPA with a concentration in Nonprofit Management.

I’m telling you having the right people in your life can make a major difference. If you ask the Lord to order your steps then you have to be confident enough to know that even the most seemingly difficult people will play a major part in your purpose on this earth. Every opportunity the Lord allows should be cherished and entered knowing that God orchestrated it. Working at the Kennedy Foundation played a major part in the woman I am today. And I thank Eunice Kennedy Shriver for believing in me and giving me a chance. She has definitely lived a full life and I believe that she has fulfilled her life’s purpose. Eunice Kennedy Shriver will always be remembered.

And God is able to make all grace abound to you, so that in all things at all times; having all that you need, you will abound in every good work. --2 Corinthians 9:8

Vacation Needed

2009-08-10T12:47:00.006-04:00

Ok, I was not expecting to come back home from my family weekend getaway in Myrtle Beach to a heatwave. Bad enough I fell asleep on the beach and got sunburned. Even with the sun block I used religiously before stepping on the beach, my back and my face is torn up. Yes, my nose is now beginning to peel and wearing clothes just simply hurts. Now they talking about 100 degrees in the metropolitan area……….I’m so not ready for this. I thought about calling my boss and telling her that its just too darn hot to come to work, but I’m trying real hard not to make decisions from the bed. Soooooo……..

So I got myself up this morning after getting in rather late. As soon as we got to my sister’s house in Woodbridge last night to go our separate ways, I felt the strong need to clean out my car before I made it home. So I raided her cleaning closet and scrubbed down my seats and dashboard with Murphy’s Oil Soap, making sure all the candy, cookie, and popsicle wrappers left from my nieces were trashed. By the time I finished it was dark outside.

When I got home, I popped the trunk and got instantly depressed. My weekend bag, cosmetic bag, and purse turned into eight bags. At first I was gonna do the multiple trip thing up the three flights of stairs. But then I said the heck with this and grabbed my purse and cosmetic bag, and slammed the trunk.

Can I tell you….there is nothing like cleaning your house before you go away. Before I left I was so busy taking care of loose ends that I neglected the dust piling up on my dresser. But on last Tuesday night I halted everything and as I was getting in some QT over the phone, I put it down---dusted, vacuumed, cleaned mirrors, changed linen, washed clothes, emptied trash, and scrubbed the kitchen and bathroom floors. So last night when I walked in I felt instantly rejuvenated. The aromatherapy and air conditioner were on full blast. I literally dropped both bags in the middle of the floor, plugged up my cell phone, checked my messages, took a quick shower, and was in the bed sleep within 20 minutes. Seriously.

I woke up this morning feeling very Monday bluesy. A part of me had wished I’d played the mega millions at that rest stop right outside of Richmond. Just a million dollars would do, but to hit the hundred million……oh yes a sistah could do some things with that. I remembered passing the huge mega million ad on the interstate and thinking that if I played and won would my pastor accept a donation or allow me to pay my tithes off of my “ungodly” money. Yesterday, when I had the opportunity to play all kinda guilt kept running through my head so I decided that it wasn’t for me to play. But this morning…….I kinda wished I was a big winner. But then a part of me said…… “thank God for a job”. So I jumped up out the bed and faced my reality.

As soon as I walked in the living room and glimpsed at my bags sitting in the middle of the floor I started to go into an anxiety attack. At least that’s what it felt like---lol. I mean, I felt like I needed to unpack everything. Immediately. Then my bank account flashed in front of my face causing a reminder of all the money I spent over the last five days. And so I ran to the computer and turned it on. As the computer was booting up, I slipped on my sweatpants and ran downstairs to get the rest of the bags. Or at least what I could grab in one trip. By the time I made it to the top of the stairs I was huffing and puffing. I felt the need to do it though since this is the first Monday in a month that I didn’t do my early morning workout. So all kind of guilt was running through me. As soon as I got in and dumped my bags with the others I ran to the computer to discover my damage. But then I glanced at the clock and it was well past the time I needed to be in the shower. Then all of a sudden, I stopped in my tracks and said……….. “STOP!!!”

As soon as I stopped what I was stressing over, I felt an instant peace and resolve like never before. I simply got up from my desk, walked through the living room and passed all of my bags, got in the shower and threw on whatever my hand touched in the closet. I pulled my hair back in a bun, couldn’t put on any make-up cause MY FACE HURTS, and I grabbed my keys and purse, and was out the door.

On my way to work, my girlfriend “E” called stressing about a personal issue in which she needed my advice and to vent. Then when I got to work, another girlfriend called asking me to commit to an hour of intercessory prayer with her for the next 30 days for a 20 year old young lady who is suffering with intestinal cancer. I kept saying in the back of my mind…… “when do I have an hour to pray???” I mean, tonight I have to unpack and get myself mentally back into the hustle and bustle of life. Then this weekend is QT with another part of my life in which has been planned for the last month. On top of that, I haven’t been to church in over a week. Instantly, I felt the anxiety coming back on.

Then the Lord convicted me. I felt real selfish and all over the place. So what I’ve decided to do is forget the unpacking til further notice. It will get done…….when it gets done. I’m also not stressing over my finances. I went well over my monthly allowance, but its something that I rarely do and so…….SO WHAT! I refuse to feel guilty for living. I’m also taking my “Jill” time off of the clock. It’s bad enough that a good 50 hours of my week is governed by a clock, but to have my evenings and weekends on a clock becomes real selfish cause it feels like I never have enough time for me. As far as interceding for the young lady with cancer, YES I will intercede for her but will allow the Holy Spirit to guide me while I’m praying. Cause who knows…..it may be more than an hour.

Right now I just want to take a chill pill and move with the flow. Which reminds me of a dream I had last night. I dreamt that I was in the clearance section of Pottery Barn. Perhaps it was the outlet out in Leesburg. In any case, I saw this beautiful coffee table and I really wanted to buy it. In the dream I could see the color and texture of the table. I was really considering buying it. I couldn’t understand why the table was on clearance. But then I saw its flaw which seemed like a very easy fix.

As soon as I got in the office this morning, I immediately went to my dream dictionary to look up its meaning. And well, well……whataya know. Dreaming of worn furniture symbolizes outdated attitudes, and/or old ways of thinking. Dreaming of a table symbolizes family and social unity. But dreaming of a broken or wobbly table suggests some dissension in my family and/or social circle. I don’t know of any dissension with my loved ones, but maybe it’s that I need to spend more time with them. Even with this little weekender in Myrtle Beach with my family, I kept them on hold for an answer to go.

As I’m typing this entry I just received a text from my mother saying that there will be a family dinner on Friday to celebrate my little sister’s birthday and farewell back to college. Reading it I started to feel stressed because I had already mentally planned that on Friday I was washing all of my comforters at the laundry mat and preparing for my long weekend. Why in the world would yal impose on my weekend again!!! Maybe that’s the dissension. Umph. But as in the dream…..I looked at the table and thought to myself……. “oh that seems like an easy fix.” Sooooo……..what all of this says to me is that I need to spend more time on what matters then on trivial things like stressing over unpacking and balancing a checkbook and washing comforters. In fact, I came in and booked a tentative trip to St. Thomas. Cause I need a vacation EVERY month. But it’s definitely “tentative”. Cause I have to see if I can afford to take the time. Ugh.

Promises, Promises.....

2009-08-05T15:22:00.003-04:00

How in the world can several lessons come out of one little situation. Ok, it ain’t little. Really its not. It’s been building over a couple months and has taken on a snowball affect.

Last night I had a dream that me and a colleague were on an elevator and we pushed the 6th floor which was to go down, but instead of going down it went flying up. At full speed. This morning I was curious. Cause I’m a dreamer. Always have been. Usually I can interpret my dreams without a problem. But not only could I see myself in the dream last night, there were deep distinctive aspects of the dream that touched all of my senses. Like…..I could feel myself moving with the elevator. And I could feel myself pushing the number 6 button. I could hear myself speaking with my colleague. Very weird. So when I got in this morning, I took a little time to do some research about dream interpretations. Wait……I sure hope this ain’t no psychic stuff---lol. I ain’t into any deep cognitive mental Sigmund Freud dig-into-your-subconscious-beneath-the-earth’s-surface-in-the-universe type of stuff--lol. I just want clarity. That’s it. Anyway……..so this is what I found.

Ok, dreaming of an ascending elevator means, in addition to a rise in status and wealth, that one has risen to a higher level of consciousness and is looking at the world from an elevated viewpoint. Dreaming of a colleague signifies ambition, struggle, and competitive nature. Dreaming of the number 6 signifies cooperation, balance, tranquility, perfection, warmth, union, marriage, family, and love. Dreaming of the number 6 also means that one’s mental, emotional, and spiritual states are in harmony. It is also indicative of domestic bliss.

But this is where it gets weird. The colleague that was on the elevator with me in the dream, a 60 year old white male, has no work affiliation with me as far as our work is concerned. He manages one program, and I another. Our programs are so unrelated, and our offices are so far apart. The only time we see each other is when we make a conscious effort to discuss our only common link……..ART. So for him to be in my dream it had to have deep meaning. He and I both have a strong passion for the work of artist, Sam Gilliam. In fact, over the years dude has been very instrumental in teaching me the ropes of buying, selling, and collecting art.

A couple of years ago, my colleague guided me on purchasing my first Sam Gilliam piece. Ok, let me clarify this……..ummm, it wasn’t one of Sam Gilliam’s $20,000 pieces. My colleague has several of those. No, no, no….not me. I’m taking baby steps, so I had to purchase one of the little cheaper pieces. Nevertheless, Sam Gilliam is hanging over my sofa—lol. And I’m pretty proud of it. Anyway, so when I’m huddled in his office, it looks real weird and nobody understands it but us. Cause he and I have a connection that goes very deep. We can discuss art for hours.

In fact, when I came in this morning, right after turning on my computer, I decided to go around to his office to tell him about my dream. That was before I got the interpretation. But as soon as I got there he asked me if I wanted to go to an art gallery up in northwest tomorrow where Gilliam will be displaying one of his pieces. To a new person, it may have sounded as if he asked me on a date---then again NO IT WOULDN’T ;-). But he was so excited about the event that what I had to tell him about my dream was a…..whatever. After I got the interpretation, I sent my colleague an email, but of course he only focused on the wealth part. He’s already reached his highest status here, so he’s very much focused on creating more wealth—lol.

As I pondered on my dream’s interpretation I was amazed at the revelation. I could not believe it. Still can’t. And had I not done what I did, I don’t think I would have dreamed what I dreamt. Actually, I know I wouldn’t have. Cause now I’m at such a different place within mysef. I guess I am maturing—lol.

(Deep breath) Ok last month I slammed the door, yes SLAMMED the door, on a “loved one” basically because I refused to see past my wants, thoughts, and feelings. I can’t even make no excuses on this one other than I went into “Angry Black Woman” mode. Ok, let me correct it….. “Angry Single Black Woman” mode. Cause not only did I slam the door, I locked it and swallowed the key. I kept the pride, but I swallowed the darn key.

Last week, I realized that even though my actions felt good to the flesh---cause I bragged that I took one for the team---it just wouldn’t sit well in my Spirit. Cause for one, the Lord has really been dealing with me about covenants and friendships; sticking it out even when things are unfavorable. And two, cause the Lord has been showing me how to TRULY love. I mean, how can I say that I love somebody and not be patient and kind. Love seeketh not her own, but I was truly looking at me, myself, and I. I’m learning that I have to take a stand on my promises even when the other side seems unclear. Cause if indeed the other is wrong, their actions and decisions will pay for itself. In the meantime, I've got to stay consistent on the Word of God.

Sooooo…….with the counsel of my oldest sister, thank God for a sister who’s been there/done that, I made an abnormal move. But the funny thing is that as I was making my move, my “loved one” was making one too which reflected my pride coming down. Cause it takes a real humble being to knock again after the door has been slammed---lol. This action made me see a totally different person.

Obviously, I ain’t given up too much here---lol, but can I just say that the last couple of days have been sooooo wonderful and freeing and peaceful. Seriously, I can’t tell you what will happen with this situation next year, or tomorrow for that matter, but what I can say is that God is fully in control of this vehicle and I’m allowing Him to drive.

“And whenever you stand praying, if you have anything against anyone, forgive him that your Father in heaven may also forgive you your trespasses. But if you do not forgive, neither will your Father in heaven forgive your trespasses.” --Mark 11:25-26

Strength Training

2009-08-03T12:40:00.006-04:00

Never in my weirdest dreams did I think that I’d be growing through what I’m going through. Then again……..yes I did. Yep, I dreamt it. All of this. Sure did. Decisions, decisions. (Deep breath) Anyway, for the last few days I’ve been reminded that it is in my weakness that God has his plan in full action. And when it comes to matters of the heart…..umm, a sistah is weak.

This morning was a gym morning. In fact, since I’ve committed myself to the “morning shift” of going to the gym I’ve been quite consistent. And I’m noticing that I don’t need as many hours of sleep that I thought. I actually got in late from church last night—about midnight--and after doing the usual checking messages and returning text, settling down and doing my usual weekly weather check, it was close to 1am when I drifted off to sleep. At 5am sharp, I jumped out of the bed, threw on my gym gear, grabbed a protein shake, ran down the three flights of stairs, jumped into my car and drove off before the rear and side view mirrors adjusted, and was on the elliptical by 5:25am.

Ok, believe it or not I’ve been doing the gym thing for years and years. No, I don’t always notice a difference on the scale, but when I’m committed to something…..I’m committed. The truth of the matter is that my weight fluctuates, and I’ve just gotten comfortable with that cycle. However, over the last two years I’ve really taken my cardio to the next level. I mean, it is nothing for me to run at a steady pace on the treadmill for a lengthy period of time without getting winded. And it is nothing for me to stay on the elliptical for an hour at high intensity. When I used to workout in the evenings, sometimes I’d go down to the gym and just walk on the treadmill without looking at the clock. Before I’d know it, two hours would pass. Since I’ve increased my cardio, I have noticed some difference on the scale. But then there came the halt.

When I decided to workout in the mornings, I also decided that I’d get a trainer for 30-days as well. I just needed to get some physical advice and some help in getting into a routine that would produce better results in less amount of time. When we initially met, the first thing that my trainer told me was that I needed to decrease my cardio, and incorporate strength training into my routine. Of course I looked at him like he was crazy. I mean, cardio is what we all need, and I’d like to think that I need it a little more---cause a sistah be stressed. But he told me simply that I’ve maxed out on cardio and that I needed to burn more by lifting weights. I was floored. And you know me……I bucked him--lol. I mean, c’mon……I’ve mastered cardio. Cardio is my physical strength. My endurance in ANY physical activity that requires steady free movement has always been high. But dude wasn’t hearing me. I mean, he’s the expert I guess he knew what he was talking about. The truth of the matter is that weights intimidated me.

On my first day of my new workout routine, I did the elliptical for 30 minutes and was to do strength training for 30 minutes. The first machine I got on, I had to adjust to the lightest weights. I think 10lbs. Perhaps it was a toss up between laziness and intimidation, but I just didn’t want to do it. I mean honestly, it didn’t make sense mentally. Everybody knows that weights put on weight and on top of that they bulk you up. But with the little light weight I could do, bulking up was my least worry. I simply felt like I was just wasting my time.

If you don’t know by now, let me just tell you that I am obedient to the core. I will buck you, but if you can prove to me your authority I will follow a command without a problem. (Deep breath) So I humbled myself, and in all my weakness of lifting my little 10lbs here and 15lbs there I’ve been sticking with the program for almost a month now. And I’m proud to say that I have seen steady results in my clothes.

I think that this is a good time to insert one of my favorite quotes: “a natural pattern will show in detail what the Spiritual reality consists of.”

Last week, my pastor and his wife requested to meet with me. (Deep breath) WOW!!! What a meeting. My pastor has so much insight and knowledge of the Word of God. It was a great meeting and we had such a great conversation. One of the many things that my pastor told me was that, here in America (he’s from Ghana) we rely too much on our strengths. Everything we do we do it out of our strength. Because that’s what we’ve been indirectly taught---to be all that we can be. Our strengths have become a one size fits all type of lifestyle. And for some ungodly reason, we’re making it work in all aspects of our lives. Or at least we’re trying to.

So as me and my pastor were conversing you could tell he was getting a revelation on the spot. Then the conversation shifted. And he got quiet. And I was sitting there looking stupid waiting for him to speak. Cause I knew the Lord was speaking to Him. What he told me was that as much as he knows that I would be excellent at doing what he had originally felt that I would be great at doing in the ministry, he has to be obedient to God as a shepherd and pull out the thing in me that the Lord is showing him. I know EXACTLY what it is. I’ve been ducking and dodging it. Cause it intimidates me. It’s my weakness.

You know what’s amazing, and I promise you that I'ma tie all this together (lol)………. It's amazing that here in the U.S., 44% of women over the age of 30 who are unmarried are African American. Can you believe that!!! That’s almost half!!! Ok, here it goes. In MY opinion, one of the biggest mistakes that have surfaced on this earth is the black women’s empowerment movement. And being a black woman who has had her share of this movement, and am still single…..umm yes I feel qualified to give my opinion and express my feelings.

This ungodly movement has taken us to plain old cockiness. We have become unbreakable, unsubmissive, and just down right…..unbearable. Don’t get me wrong…..I’m all for a strong, black woman, but what we’ve failed to realize is that black women came to earth with a purpose of strength. We came to earth to help the man. But somehow we got deceived again into thinking that we can do our job and his. Ummm, yes we can….but that ain’t what we were sent here for. That’s like adding sugar to syrup.

I had a conversation with one of my girlfriends over the weekend. She’s very successful might I add. But she says that she’s so tired of being lonely and being without a companion that she has begun to really cry out to the Lord to send her someone. Of course she was reaching out to me for some insight and advice, and a shoulder. And the first thing I explained to her was that though marriage is an earthly covenant, it is ordained by God. Therefore, if it is to truly work with the blessings she desires she has to be obedient, and submit to God’s word. To put a few perspectives on the table that I thought she might understand I told her flat out……the Ms. CEO thing is not gonna work in the home with a husband. I so love Michelle Obama for being a good example of this. Not many know that Mrs. Obama was Mr. President's boss at one of the country's leading law firms when they started dating. Over the years, roles changed drastically. Because the Mrs. obviously submitted to her true purpose.

After I hung up with my girlfriend, in which I revealed some of the conversation me and my pastor had, I thought back to that conversation. It made me reflect on how churches are being run by strong folk who have extraordinary gifts and talents in the world. To the finite mind……this is ideal. But to the spiritually-led being…….ummm I don’t think this should be. First, gifts come without repentance so you don’t know what spirit is leading a ministry in the church. But second, I don’t believe that a strength that is built by the world can be truly in submission to God’s perfect will. Submitting to God's will takes a great deal of humility and a lot of us has spent half our life trying to build and rebuild ourselves. Removing is a sense of going backwards.

You know what I thought about this morning……..Jesus was a great carpenter. He came from a family of skilled carpenters. So why didn’t he build the first church??? In fact, you don’t see anything in the Bible where Jesus used his profession in the ministry. In fact, everybody who He had chosen in ministry with him He told them to drop their careers and follow Him. They dropped everything to follow Jesus. Everything that they’d accomplished they dropped to follow Christ.

This reminds me of a dude at my church. To see this guy you wouldn’t think twice about his profession, or skills, or what he does outside of the church. More than often, he comes to church in his little skippies and t-shirt and sits anywhere there is a vacant seat---off to the side or in the back. Every now and again, we exchange looks of perplexity with something that my pastor says or even looks of “dang, I just learned something”. Very nice guy. One time we were in a meeting and somebody asked what ministry he led and he said plainly, “I don't lead any ministry. I do whatever Pastor and First Lady tells me to do.” He said, “right now I’m the waterboy.” We cracked up laughing as he went to get two cold bottles of water for my pastor. But recently, he and I spent some time chatting after service and I was amazed at what he revealed. Dude runs one of the nation’s top corporations. His expertise and skills can take the church in a soaring direction………but he makes it non-verbally clear that that’s not his purpose for being at the church. He’s on a mission for God and has wholeheartedly submitted to the will of the Lord.

Over the last few months or so, the Lord has really been working on me to understand that being weak is not a bad thing. In fact, it’s a darn good place to be. But we’re programmed to think that being weak sends so many negative messages. We’re taught to keep our guards up, to not pull them down. We’re taught to not let them see us sweat. We’ve taken the strong, “got it going on” image to a whole new level. We’ve built up this wall with the help of society that is really a trap set by the enemy. As my pastor said to me……. until I am in my weakest state, that’s emptying all of me, no newness can enter. I received what he said wholeheartedly. Cause without telling him my current situation, I had a “I’m a strong black woman” wall up. And as much as it hurt my pride, and revealed my vulnerability, I decided to take it down after speaking with my pastor. Now I can finally feel God moving in the situation. I’m seeing results.

… To keep me from becoming conceited because of these surpassingly great revelations, there was given me a thorn in my flesh, a messenger of Satan, to torment me. Three times I pleaded with the Lord to take it away from me. But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong. --2 Corinthians 12:7-10

NEVER!!

2009-07-29T12:32:00.006-04:00

My God NEVER ceases to amaze me. You know what….its in the smallest situations that the Lord speaks loudest to me. I’m telling you, umph.

Ok, a couple of weeks ago I went through this mass dump of jewelry and perfume that had been given to me by folk I am no longer connected to. I haven’t cut too many people from my life recently, cause I’m learning how to deal with folk and their issues, and mine as well. Really I am—lol. But over the last few years there were some folk who came in my life that started wreaking havoc in the spiritual realm. I mean, on the surface things were good. But there was a quiet feud that didn’t sit well in my Spirit. Soooo…..I had to cut the ties. Anyway, a few of these folk had given me gifts over the course of the friendship/relationship that had created an unspoken covenant. All too often we receive gifts with gratitude and keep on keeping on. But………after hearing my pastor speaking about soul ties, and using things to solidify the covenant, I decided to clean house.

About a month ago I discarded my favorite pair of silver hoops. Yep, I took them out my ear and dumped them in the waste paper basket in my bathroom. An older lady at the office had given them to me I think for my birthday or Christmas, can’t remember. But not only did she give me those pair, she gave me five pair of hoops. She knows that I don’t wear a lot of jewelry, but she knows that I love silver hoops. So over the years she has literally spoiled me with jewelry, and all kinds of other stuff. I use to call her my fairy godmother (lol).

Anyway, a couple of days after I dumped my favorite pair of earrings I was going through my jewelry box trying to find a pair to wear to work. The only ones I could find were the other five pair she had given me. At first I was like.......look, I don’t have no earrings to wear and soul ties or not, I need to wear a pair of these earrings. But something in my Spirit just wouldn’t let me put them on. So I did another act against my flesh I dumped all five pair of earrings in the big garbage can in the kitchen.

This was a very bold move for me. Cause I don’t like giving away my last. I’m just being honest. I don’t. Ok, it wasn’t like I didn’t have ANY earrings to wear, but not just what I wanted to wear. I ain’t really into the gold hoops like I was back in the nineties---my jewelry box is full of those---I wanted my silver hoops. Period. But didn’t have any. At first I wanted to talk myself into thinking that I was crazy for dumping “gifts”, but dumping brought a release that I can’t explain. I know without a shadow of a doubt that hearing my pastor’s message was the push I needed to completely cut myself from ungodly ties. Anyway, for the last few weeks I’ve been rotating some costume jewelry---UGH---cause the silver hoops I want from Tiffany’s ain’t in a sistah’s budget right now. And as far as I can see……I don’t see them in the future budget, either—lol.

Ok, let me switch gears here. I promise you that it will all tie together—lol.

(Deep breath). Over the last year [my friend] has been really dealing with me about this tithes and offerings thing. I grew up in the pentecostal church, I know all too well about the misdealings of tithes and offerings, and so I was really burnt out about it for years. Seriously. But when me and [my friend] first met he spoke boldly that he was a proud tithes payer. For a long time when he’d mention something about paying tithes in the back of my mind I’d be like…….uhhhhh, dude you can afford to pay yours and mine, and I suggest you do that cause I ain’t getting caught up in it. I just didn’t want to hear it witnessing the schemes of greedy church leaders.

But then one day we had the “finances” talk. I knew it was coming. My girlfriend always joke---knowing my $100,000 worth of student loans---saying, “umm, are you gonna tell him that he’s in debt BEFORE you get married or AFTER?”—lol. It’s a running joke. But we had the talk and I gave it to him straight. Ain’t no need to hold back now. I let him know that I got a little caught up in living like I sold a piece of real estate every month, but now that the market has crashed; ummmm…….I’m robbing peter to pay paul. I was straight up with him. He took a deep breath and told me something that has had a positive impact on my life ever since. He simply said......you can’t call yourself a Christian and not pay tithes. And so I humbled myself and listened to daddy--lol.

Then he explained that although paying tithes and offerings are Spiritual acts they are too a mental act. He told me that when you know you have to pay ties (10% of your income) your mind adjusts your finances accordingly because you have subjected your mind to the Spirit of God. And when one submits their being to God He has to move in the situation. Cause His Word says so. He dared me to try it. He told me that he guaranteed that within one month I wouldn’t be stressed out about my finances if I acted out of a pure heart.

Ok, let me say something. I’m not one of those people who is scared into paying tithes and offerings. I don’t fall for the “you are cursed if you don’t pay your tithes” cause I know that I am no longer under the curse, but under God’s grace. But I give purely from my heart. When I am led to give. And so for the last couple of years that’s how I’ve been living my spiritual life---giving as I’m led to. I hadn’t been led to pay tithes, for whatever reason, and so I didn’t.

One of the benefits of attending a big church is that you get lost in the congregation. If I don’t go one Sunday nobody notices. And if I don’t give, my little piece of change is just a drop in the pacific, so it probably doesn’t really count anyway. But since joining my new church, a very small in size church and new ministry, well your attendance and giving is noticed. Still I wasn’t moved. Cause nobody controls my finances but ME. For the first few months I heard the tithes and offerings messages, and I listened. As my mother often say......“you have to learn how to chew the meat and spit out the bones.” And so I took the parts that pertained to me and discarded the rest. Cause again, nobody controls my money but ME.

But then one day the Lord spoke to my heart and allowed me to see this new ministry and how my tithes and offerings could really have an impact on the church. Still, I felt that I had too many bills. I mean, I could give a nice offering every Sunday, but 10% of my income every month, uuuuuh NOT. Still feeling very resistant, but at the same time a tug at my heart I sat down on the sofa one evening and really analyzed my finances. I really wanted to see if I could make it work. Ok, let me just say this……10% of my income a month is almost equivalent to my car note. And we ain’t talking about a Ford Focus note, either--lol.

Anyway, so for hours I was juggling stuff around and trying to see where I could do without some things and reduce others. I didn’t realize until recently that this was a faith move. But as I was analyzing my finances I remembered that I had a savings account where a very small amount of my paycheck was going into. I had never touched it since I opened it about five years ago. So I went online and checked the balance and couldn’t believe the balance. So what I did was those bills that I could pay off or up for the rest of the year I did so from that account. After I finished doing all of that I not only had enough money to pay my tithes bi-weekly, but I had extra money left over to splurge a little.

For weeks I was walking around like…..WOW!!! I finally was at a place where I didn’t feel overwhelmed with my finances. And really, my whole purpose was because I wanted to sow into my church. Gotta be honest, if it was a mega ministry and the pastor was driving a Maybach or a Phantom, ummmm don’t think so. But because my pastor and the first lady don’t seem to be concerned with material gain, don’t have negative—greedy motives, and because I feel in my Spirit that they have given up a lot to be obedient to the Lord’s command, I felt the least I could do was help support the ministry financially. That’s the least I could do. So to juggle my personal finances to support the ministry was purely from my heart. I wasn’t trying to reap nothing, just trying to support the ministry that has contributed signficantly to my Spiritual growth.

But then something happened.

A few days after I had given my first tithes, I received a bonus at work. Had never received this honor before--lol. I mean, I've worked my butt off for this program for the last 9 years....why recognize my worth now--lol. But I was commended for effectively managing my program and was told that I had the highest performance rating amongst 32 staff. With that bonus I was able to pay off my braces which relieved me from an extra monthly expense. Days after that, I checked my account and noticed that my paycheck was $162 more than normal. I called personnel to inquire and they told me that they had miscalculated my pay increase FROM LAST YEAR, and had made the adjustment plus was giving me retro pay. At this point, I was like……c’mon Lord you joking right---lol.

This morning as I was getting ready to leave out the door I remembered that I needed to get my spare key because I was driving in and parking in the office garage. So as I was fumbling through my nightstand drawer, in which I rarely go in, something popped out at me. It was a little cardboard jewelry box. At first I was gonna ignore it cause I was---a little late---but I decided to open it anyway. Would you believe that there was not one pair, but TWO pair of silver hoops in the box. They weren’t new, but I can’t for the life of me remember where they came from, or who gave them to me, or if I bought them for myself. What’s funny is that I NEVER put jewelry in or on my nightstand. When I walk through my front door I start stripping and one of my first stops is at my jewelry box on my dresser. I’m still sitting here baffled. I have no clue where those earrings came from so I’m just gonna believe that the Lord placed them there. Though small, it was as if the Lord had whispered in my ear…… “I got you.”

I’m a living witness that when you release in obedience the Lord will give back to you. I’m learning that sowing/reaping is not just a natural law, but a Spiritual one. When you give with good intentions and motives, oh He will make provisions. And not that I needed proof cause my walk with the Lord is a faith walk. If He tells me to give I’m acting out of obedience. Period. If He never gives back…I’m still good. Cause I’ve decided to submit to His perfect will no matter what it costs me. But He gave back ANYWAY. Cause His Word don’t lie.

“Bring the whole tithe into the storehouse, that there may be food in my house. Test me in this,” says the LORD Almighty, “and see if I will not throw open the floodgates of heaven and pour out so much blessing that you will not have room enough for it.” –Malachi 3:10

Emotions Make You Cry Sometimes

2009-07-26T23:03:00.005-04:00

Church was AWESOME today!!! Actually it always is. You know why I love my church, because our leadership knows how to disrupt our personal agendas. No, no. We don’t get those soothing….. “It’s gonna be alright after while” or “Here are the 10 steps to fulfilling destiny” messages. NOPE. We get the “fall on your face and surrender your mess to God and then sit your butt down and learn how to submit to God’s authority--in Jesus Name” messages. LOL. Seriously.

My pastor ain’t concerned with the new wave of the churches these days---the fad churches. He makes it clear that until we are broken we cannot fulfill God’s purpose for our lives. Cause any ministry coming out of an unbroken vessel is operating out of self-motives. I love it. Cause I was thirsting for a church of accountability. Leadership that ain't gonna let me just run with my bright ideas just cause I have gifts and talents that are in full operation outside of the church. Nope. Christ told me to drop it and follow Him. However He chooses to use my gifts and talents is purely up to Him and His timing. But right now……..I’m seeking His face. Not His hand, HIS FACE! Cause I want His perfect will, not His permissive will. I’m tired of doing things my way. Cause my way don’t work. But I’m understanding that to fully surrender to God and allow Him full reign over my life will cost my flesh something. And it doesn’t always feel good.

Which brings me right into my thoughts tonight. Feelings. Emotions. I remember years ago my cousin use to run this song by the 90’s R&B boy band H-Town called Emotions. The lyrics went: “Emotions make you cry sometimes, emotions make you sad sometimes, emotions make you glad sometimes, but most of all they make you fall in love.” One time at a family function I caught him sitting by the lake alone blasting this song while shedding a tear. It seemed strange from a person, a grown 20-something year old man, who seemed to have everything all under control. But witnessing that made me know that everybody has feelings.

(Deep breath). Where in the world do I start without “revealing” too much--lol. No, no…some things are not for everybody’s ear--lol. Anyway, this week has been a week of emotional stories. Ok, it ain’t no secret that everybody cries. And it definitely ain’t no secret that even the strong ones get our feelings hurt. But I’m just thinking that a lot of heartache and headache can be avoided if we stop acting and reacting out of our emotions.

I had a conversation with one of my girlfriends over the weekend…….about men. You know how us single women do---lol. We lay it down! Anyway, we both came to the realization that a man that operates solely out of his emotions is a dangerous thing. We both knew this, but this weekend we took some time to discuss it at length--lol. Over the last few years the Lord has revealed to me that a lot can be determined by examining a man's feelings toward his ex. If a man has bitterness, hatred, and hostility towards his ex…….that’s a huge red flag. Especially when children are involved. Cause those are uncontrollable, undealtwith feelings that will be brought into new relationships. So our conversation was basically that we refuse to settle for a man that God has not approved. PERIOD. And that goes for both emotions rubbing us the right way or wrong way. Period. But when a man has anger management issues that can potentially turn into violence, uuummmm, that clearly is not a man of God. And we’re not accepting that same ole tired line…… “every relationship has problems.” Ummmmm, NOT. Call me after deliverance has taken place. As a matter of fact, I’ll call you when I see the change. And that’s only if the Lord directs.

Then I was having a conversation with another girlfriend and she flat out told me, “Jill my entire life is driven by my emotions.” She said she is trying so hard to break this norm in her life, but she’s finding it to be extremely difficult, which in turn makes her give up trying. Cause she’s driven by emotions. Whatever feels right she does and whatever feels wrong, she doesn’t do. The problem is…..usually what’s right she doesn’t do, and what’s wrong….she does. She’s admitted that her life has been in shambles, as well as a life of paranoia, because of being driven by emotions.

This is such a miserable way to live because you’ll accomplish nothing. I have a colleague that doesn’t come to work if its raining. Not because she’s elderly or don’t have windshield wipers. But because the rain makes her in a somber mood and its best for her to stay home instead of womp womping the office. Then I have another colleague who uses a big light device in her office because of her depression. If the bulb dies out then we’re all in trouble. But to make it easier on her emotions, her boss allows her to work from home in the fall when time goes back just so that she doesn’t fall into a depression at work.

I had a conversation with [my friend] about being led by emotions months ago and he put it so plain. He said that the best way to break emotional patterns is to pump the Word of God all day long. Once you know the Word and what God says about being led by the flesh versus being led by the Spirit, life will become so much easier. And when you get off the Word and rely on self action you’ll know you’re off course.

I’m so understanding this now. Cause I ain’t gonna lie…..sometimes its just easier to say “kiss my _____!” LOL, but as soon as that negativity starts to rise in me I’m reminded of God’s Word; in particularly the ninth fruit of the Spirit----SELF-CONTROL. Yes, yes…..everybody wants to talk about having love and joy and peace and patience, but rarely do we hear about exhibiting self-control. And when you’re talking about matters of the heart and mind, you have to talk about self-control.

Then the other night I had a conversation with my sister about another emotion-----moodiness. I’m telling you….that girl is the funniest person I know. She can tell the most serious story and make me laugh. Anybody laugh. She’s hilarious. Anyway……she was telling me about an associate of ours who is just plain ole MOODY. Ok, don’t get me wrong…..I can be moody too (AND SO CAN SHE!!!) But I ain’t gonna lie, Mondays aren’t always my best. But trust when I tell you……anybody who knows me knows when to leave me be. Especially my colleagues. Don’t call no meeting on a Monday morning. Cause chances are I ain’t coming---lol. And when I’m on a deadline, don’t knock, don’t call, don‘t send an email…….leave me ALONE. And then there are my Sunday afternoons…….awwwww. But for the most part…..we are happy, go-lucky people. If we are in a “mood” we lock ourselves in seclusion. If we dare to come out……trust that we have put on our happy face. That’s both of us. Cause we both realize that it’s so not about us and our feelings.

So me and my sister were discussing a situation about our moody associate and we were cracking up. I mean, how can you call yourself wanting to preach and you can’t even speak to people outside the pulpit. I mean, you speak when you feel like it. If you feel like it. And how can you speak in tongues and not speak to your fellow brethren. I mean there are days when I’m feeling my worse, but you better believe nobody knows it. I remember a couple of months ago I was battling a serious situation, heartache was involved, but I still had a responsibility and commitment to go to my Strike Force class. I so wanted to stay in the bed and sleep it off. But I had to put my feelings aside and be obedient to my commitment. But that Saturday evening as we sat in class, my sister told me later that evening that when she looked at me it seemed as if I was gonna breakdown. She said it looked as if somebody touched me with a feather I would fall over. I remember that day so vividly. Actually, I remember the date as well. To others, I was the same ole chipper Jill. But my sister knows me and so she felt my pain.

That evening, my pastor called an altar call before dismissing class and said that he saw in the Spirit that somebody was going through some heartache. With everything I had in me I got up and went to the altar. I didn’t cry nor did I question God. I simply surrendered the situation cause I refused to take that emotion into another hour of my life. I left there in such peace. For four days I had carried that pain on my back, but the Lord kept reminding me of Psalm 37 and so I decided, I decided, I decided……to release it.

But I don’t care how strong we are and how much of an effort we put into moving forward without emotional baggage, there comes a time when we all surrender into our feelings. I think what is happening is that I’m learning how to deal with my feelings--you know how to act and react in my feelings. How to process my feelings. Anyway, today I hurt. For my best girlfriend. Cause she’s hurting. As she was giving me the rundown late last night, I felt her pain. Cause she really doesn’t deserve it. And so today I hurt. For her. And I’ve been crying too.

Jesus wept. --John 11:35

The Great Commission

2009-07-24T13:24:00.003-04:00

Why do I feel like I’m the only person in the office today? I got in a little late and it feels like I’m super early. Anyway……………… I got something on my mind today. And the timing couldn’t be more perfect. Actually, this thing has been on my mind for a long time, but it didn’t come to the forefront until a couple of weeks ago.

Ok, so a couple of weeks ago I stumbled across some recent photos of Kim Kardashian and her beau Reggie Bush doing their version of “see we love and support Africa too” on their recent trip to the Motherland. Ok, all I can say is……..WHY??????? Other than the fact that this chick told the media that she was in South Africa when in fact she was in Botswana, I knew the trip was “one of those”. One of those…… “I want people to think that I have a heart and truly care and understand issues other than my personal issues”. All the celebrities want the Angelina Jolie image. But not everybody wants to put in the real work. The real work that’s off camera. Kudos to Angie!!!

(Deep breath). Can I just ask a simple question? Thanks. Ok, if the media is recording your philanthropic efforts, does it count? I mean, is it really genuine? Is it really real? Are you really doing good will for others or are you showing good will of yourself? Working in public relations for so many years, as well as studying it in undergrad……I know first hand how the publicity/spin thing goes. Soliciting the media while doing good works sends a huge message. It’s all about image and perception. PR is definitely an art and a science.

I remember a couple of years ago a famous local church pastor and his wife, who just happens to have a huge billboard on one of PG County’s most busiest avenues (I might add--lol), was surprising folk at a local grocery store by paying their grocery bills during the Thanksgiving holiday. The pastor and first lady were randomly walking up to customers at the cash register and telling them to keep their money in their pockets cause they were paying for their groceries. Yes, yes…….they made sure Fox 5 news was filming it. That’s how I saw it. It was hilarious. Very unorganized, but trying to show their media poker faces. They were walking up to folk like they had just hit the lottery. It almost looked like the 70s game show, “Let’s Make a Deal”.

Ok, when I first saw this…..the PR person in me came out. I was sitting there thinking……oh they don’t know what they’re doing. Cause why in the world would you target a grocery store in the hood when most of those folks are on food stamps????? The last thing we worry about in the hood is FOOD. We can take three dollars and feed a family for two days. Ask me how I know!!! We use to buy the store brand of the box mac/cheese that was 3 for a $1, plus a small pack of ground beef and season it up. We’d eat good for dinner and had some leftover for the next day. A lack of food ain’t the problem in the Black community. Trust me when I tell you---lol. But it just proves that we have become so self serving that we keep missing the point.

Last year this time, me and my girlfriend “E” went away to a spiritual retreat down in Virginia. I actually wrote an entry about the trip. It was an AWESOME experience!! I was so hungry for God. The way the retreat is set up, it allows for you to worship God in the rawest form---just you, God, and nature. But others are there too cause there are services all through the day. But I remember waking up to the birds chirping and the sounds of folk worshiping and praying as they walked around the acres of camp grounds. Beautiful. Absolutely beautiful. No cameras. No publicity. Only folk wanting to get away from all the hustle and bustle to worship God in peace. You won’t see an advertisement for this no frills place. No, no. They rely solely on the Word of God that says spread the Gospel. And so, others tell of their experiences of healing, restoration, and deliverance causing folk to want to go. Oh…..did I forget to mention….IT’S FREE!!! Lodging and meals are FREE!!!

Anyway, at one of the morning sessions of the retreat this couple got up to speak. They are missionaries who travel all over the world spreading the Gospel of Jesus Christ. And so they told the story of one of their last missions to Nepal, which is located on the border of China and India. Ok, I was all ears. Cause I’d heard about spooky Nepal--lol. What they told us was that hinduism and buddhism are the practiced religions there. And so in a lot of parts, practicing Christianity is banned. Many of the folk there who believe in Christ will have to walk miles and miles up into discreet places in the mountains just to praise and worship God.

So their primary mission/ministry is to provide Christian literature and sometimes transportation via bikes to their places of worship for those who are Christians and those who wants to convert to Christianity. They were telling some stories that were blowing my mind. I remember them telling a story of how they received a warning from Nepal’s authorities to stop spreading the Gospel. They told how they were thrown out many times. So the couple told the congregation that if anyone was interested in helping with their ministry in any type of way that they not send them emails to their Nepal address which was actually printed on a handout given to us. I left there thinking……this is what you call MINISTRY!!!! This is the GREAT COMMISSION.

Ok, so I was watching one of my favorite morning inspirational shows this morning as I was getting ready for work. But this morning’s program was a little different. See, the tele-evangelist had taken her camera crew to Africa, yes you know how they do. They don’t show the richness, beauty, and thriving parts of Africa, they show the worst villages where a bed of flies are stuck on a baby’s eyelids. YES…..its real. I understand that wholeheartedly. I manage a marriage education program for refugees. I've studied many cultures and populations. So the situation is indeed real. But what I don’t understand is why are ministries giving social study lessons on third world countries, begging us for money to purchase a pack of pills that will last 30 days, and then come home to their luxury lifestyles in the states. I mean, WHY?????? Why aren’t we over there preaching healing and deliverance??????? The tele-evangelist spent a whole five minutes talking about some little blue pills that could cure a disease for three years. Three years???????? And then what???????

You know what I always wondered…….I always wondered how much it costs for a television crew to travel to third-world countries with tele-evangelists. Do you really realize how costly it is for a team of media locally and nationally????? Well just imagine…….internationally. Perhaps there are camera crews stationed in those lands, but I seriously doubt that Americans go that route. We’re too possessive for that. We want everything on our own terms---but by using others dollars. Umph. I mean, doesn’t it make more sense to cut the travel expenses and put it towards the actual need?????? I’m sure cutting out a camera crew could buy a whole lotta little blue pills—lol. Seriously, we have become so self-serving in ministry. We do very little wholeheartedly and by the perfect plan of God these days. We all want recognition and honor for the works we do. Proving that we’re good by our works. But that’s the world’s system. That’s how celebrities do it. Somehow they’ve become our model. Umph.

As I was watching the program this morning, the feisty tele-evangelist had the nerve to say that providing medication and meals is the great commission of Christ. No it ain’t!!!! The great commission is spreading the Gospel!!!! If I see another ministry filming themselves walking through Africa with a big bag of rice, a jug of water, or a bucket of shoes I’ma scream. Seriously. Why aren’t we studying the real need??????? Just like the local pastor and first lady was doing. In one land we’re dying from too much food and another not enough. You tell me why we keep thinking that feeding the natural is the answer!!!!!!

(Deep breath). It just goes back to what I was talking about last week. If we aren’t walking in vulnerable situations and healing and deliverance ain’t taking place…..then we need to check ourselves as so-called Christians. That’s me included (deep breath).

You know what we should do……we, the Body of Christ globally, should take one week of shut down—no media---just fasting and falling on our face before the Lord throughout the day for one week. Wherever we are. Just connecting in the Spirit. Do you know the impact we could have on this world????? Umph. I’m down for it.

………if my people, who are called by my name, will humble themselves and pray and seek my face and turn from their wicked ways, then will I hear from heaven and will forgive their sin and will heal their land. --2 Chronicles 7:14

And Jesus came and spake unto them, saying, all power is given unto me in heaven and in earth. Go ye therefore, and teach all nations, baptizing them in the name of the Father, and of the Son, and of the Holy Ghost: Teaching them to observe all things whatsoever I have commanded you: and, lo, I am with you always, even unto the end of the world. Amen. –Matthew 28:18-20

The Originals

2009-07-21T15:21:00.002-04:00

I got a phone call this morning that brought me to tears.

Wow, what can I say. That darn Facebook has its faults, but bottomline……it ain’t nothing but the truth. A few months ago, one of my childhood girlfriends, “E”, got in touch with me through FB. I was quite surprised for a number of reasons, but when I saw the message with her name on it I screamed. A few weeks after that, we went Facebooking for our other childhood girlfriends (I call us the Originals which could offend some of the others but hey….just being honest--lol) and was able to find two of the other originals, “P” and “C”. Unfortunately, we couldn’t find the last original, “T”, but we still did our catch-up thing by email and then by phone.

Chatting with the girls, even though we were less one, was such a delight. We hadn’t seen or spoken to each other in years. But we’re actually right on target cause God’s timing is impeccable. We were about 10 years old when we all started moving out of the neighborhood and going our separate ways. At 20 we all got together for “E’s” son’s birth. And at 30 for “P’s” baby shower. Next year we’ll be turning 40, so we’re right on target.

I think it was the fall of 1974 when I moved from New York to Maryland. My great-grandmother had a sister who lived in DC and a brother in MD. Coming from Jamaica, NY I think my great-grandmother made a wise choice in opting to reside in Maryland near her brother. With my great-grandfather, my mother, and my oldest sister in tow we were excited about our new transition to a place we luuuuved to visit.

I was the first of the Originals on the scene---lol. The GW scene in Seat Pleasant. And the oldest of all by 2 months I might add—lol. This says a lot about my personality and character---lol. I was almost 5 years old and in the kindergarten when we moved there. I remember it was cold out when we moved in. Shortly, after I moved in, “T” moved in the very next building with her five brothers and sisters, and mom and step dad. The way I always remember “T” is being cool, calm and laid back. She was the “T-Boz” of the group. Very much in control. Both of our buildings were located in the “court”. The court was comprised of three buildings in a U shape in the middle of the neighborhood. The court was the most popular section and was the best buildings out of the 11 that made up the small, quaint apartment complex.

In the summer that me and “T” were going to the first grade, “C” moved in “T’s” building with her mother and grandmother. “C” was very sweet and cheery. If you’d relate us to the Sex and the City girls, “C” would be Charlotte hands down. “C” was an only child and looked at every situation through rose-colored glasses. Somehow I don’t remember exactly when “P” came on the scene, but it had to be when me, “T”, and “C” were in the first grade. “P” was a year younger, so we adopted her as our little sister; more because of her petite size rather than her age. “P” moved into my building with her parents and two older brothers. She was feisty. And spoke her mind with confidence. Though younger, there ain’t no originals without “Lil P”.

Then when me, “T”, and “C” were in the second grade, “E” moved in “T” and “C’s” building with her mother and younger brother. Oh, “E” made an entrance in our neighborhood. We knew exactly when she arrived on the scene. She actually held up our school bus on her first day of school because…………that’s “E”—lol. If you think of UPN Girlfriends, “E” would be Toni. You can either find her sitting on top of the world or stretched out under it. She is to the extreme. Always felt like she had to take on the entire world to prove a point---lol.

In 1977, the Originals were officially formed. Five different personalities that fit perfectly like 5 fingers in a leather glove. We were in the second grade (“P” in the first grade). Though we had tons of other friends and associates in the neighborhood, there was something about our bond that was unbreakable. We’ve talked about this over the years, but I just need to express it today that if you look up the word “girlfriends” in the dictionary you would see our photos. We learned the value of friendship from an early age. No pretentiousness, no fighting, no backstabbing…..none of that.

If there was a problem with one, there was a problem with all. All of our mothers were struggling, some even on welfare, and trying to make ends meet. We all got free lunch and were quite proud of it. Some, if not all, of our mothers were into smoking “herb” or drinking, but we dealt with it. And proud to say that we all turned out to be decent, responsible chicks. Only two of us had a relationship with our fathers and we milked both of them as if they were all of our daddies—lol. And they both stepped into that role with no problem. It was nothing for “C’s” father to pile us all up in his little Toyota and take us to Anacostia Park. We’d be content for hours playing with our Barbie dolls while “daddy” distressed from his unimaginable issues.

Just recently, “E” asked me how we’d get to church all the way up in northwest since nobody’s mother had a car. I reminded her that we’d get on the bus with my great-grandmother. All of us. We have stories amongst stories. Some funny, some sad, some outrageous, and some just plain old unnecessary. But the point is, as “E” points out, it was all pure and innocent, and filled with unconditional love.

I was the first to move from the neighborhood. My great-grandfather had just passed away the year before, and like clockwork my great-grandmother passed a year and some months later. I was 11 years old. And so we ended up moving to Landover with my mother. I remember when I was leaving there was a weird feeling. As much as I hurt, and as much as I loved my girlfriends and knew that I would miss them, I was looking forward to change. Again, this says a lot about my personality today. I looked at it as a new opportunity. The funny thing is that just how we moved into GW, we moved out in that same order. Me first, followed by “T” the next year, and then “C”, “P”, and I believe “E” was the last to leave. Don’t quite remember who was actually last. But we all moved on with our lives.

When we were in the 7th grade, I had my 12th birthday slumber party. The originals and a few others came to my house in Landover and we had a BLASSST. That was the last time we were all together in our childhood. Since that time I’d go over to “T’s” new house during our middle school years, or talk to “E” on the phone, but I lost contact with “C” and “P” totally. Every now and again, we’d bump into someone from the neighborhood and get updates, but rarely. And so we all never stayed close collectively during our teens. “T” and “E” spent a lot of their teenage and young adult years together, and me and “E” spent a good amount of adult years together. And “C” and “P”, well they were the glue out the bunch…….they remain best friends to this day—lol. As I mentioned, the next time we were all together after my slumber party was when we were 20 years old.

Over the years, the five of us have experienced life’s ups and downs. From divorce, to burying a husband, to dealing with deadbeat dad issues, to hanging on to uncertain relationships, to spending umpteen years trying to find a mystery father to heartbreaks to setbacks. Life has knocked each and every one of us down at one point, but I must say…….our triumphs and accomplishments so outweigh the bad. I can’t even begin to name all of our accomplishments, but for five little innocent girls coming from the ‘hood in Seat Pleasant……uuuuhhhhh, God is good. All of us, and I mean all FIVE of us, know the Lord. We’ve all went down five different paths, but we all ended up on this Christian journey.

A few weeks ago, as me, “E”, “P”, and “C” chatted on Facebook, we were trying to set a “reunion” date. But I just felt really undecided without “T”. I mean, yes I want to see my girls, but I want to see ALL of them. I wanted to hear “T’s” memories and laughter. The strong one on the outside, but in our secret circle would cry in a heartbeat. The one who had the most confidence and who all the boys wanted to go with—lol. I wanted to see and hear from “T”. The last we’d heard from “E” through a third-party was that “T” was preparing for a June wedding, in which she was finally marrying her teenage sweetheart. She was also preparing to send her youngest son to Penn State to pursue a professional football career. But that was it. I understand she’d be busy. But I wanted to hear from her. I did get her number and left a message, but no return call. The voice on the phone was clearly not her. If it was indeed the right number she didn’t answer or return the call. I just chalked it up to……she’s either extremely busy or she’s just simply moved on with her life. We all accepted that.

Over the months me and “E” have been talking a lot and realizing how our characters and thoughts about life are derived from our childhood; from our friendship. We both discovered that our friendship then has set the bar and standard for our friendships today. Loyalty is a must. Communication is a must. We’d spend hours upon hours in deep conversation. We’d sit on the merry-go-round at the “piece of a” playground or in the pool and just bond. Even to this day, me and “E” can talk on the phone for hours at a time. Cause our friendships back then had no clock. We were just laughing on the phone that we’d leave the house at 9am and not return until 9pm. We NEVER tired of each other. We’d go to school together, all be in the same class together, go out to recess and play double dutch together with our little Palmer Park friends, and come home and play kickball together til it was time to go to bed. To this day……strong communication is extremely important in all my relationships.

And though ride or die chicks (cause when you offended one, you offended all—lol), our friendship wasn’t limited to going-along-to-get-along. Nope. If one of us was wrong we dealt with it. If one of us started a fight, then you took responsibility for it. But though “mouthy” girls, we were good, wholesome girls and were well liked. We spoke our mind and said what we felt. It showed on our face. There was no way around it. All of us. We disagreed on many instances, but it never broke us apart. And we never fought one another. We got together at whoever’s house and we laid our issues and feelings on the table (I was always the peacemaker—lol). We never felt like we were risking our friendship by doing so. We were free to be real with one another. No competitiveness and no pretentiousness. What you saw was what you got. Period. And at 7 and 8 years old we understood our value and our worth to one another. There was a bully in the neighborhood who tried to play us against each other, but even in that, we remained resilient and committed to one another. As I said, even though others came along and many friendships were formed amongst us in that neighborhood, the “originals” relationship spoke volumes.

Yesterday we received an email from “P”. We’re still trying to put together our reunion with at least the four of us originals, as well as with other girlfriends from the neighborhood. It would be good to see those who we’ve reconnected with, thanks to “P”. We had hoped to get together on short notice this past Saturday at a basketball tournament with the GW and Seat Pleasant boys, in our old neighborhood. It would have been the perfect reunion, but more than enough of us had previous plans. So “P” will probably plan something at her house in the near future.

As I was coming out of the gym this morning, I was just thanking God for another day. It was just a special feeling in the air. I had just finished working out and was getting in my car when a 202 number came up on my caller ID. When my phone buzzed it startled me because uuummm.......I don’t usually get phone calls at 6am-ish--lol. But when I answered it was a very perky voice that began talking to me as if we were finishing a conversation from last night. For a good 30 seconds I answered her normal, basic questions until finally I said…………….WHO IS THIS???????? In a very calm voice that was obviously smiling, she said…… “girl, this is “T”. I screamed so loud as tears began falling. She was overjoyed as well. We talked on the phone for a good half hour, and then I called “E”. And we talked for another half hour. I totally lost track of time. I was late for work, and had to end up driving to the metro cause I missed my bus. But it was all worth it.

A friend loves at all times……. --Proverbs 17:17

Direct Connect

2009-07-19T21:30:00.004-04:00

It never fails. I’ll either vent about something in an entry or have a conversation with somebody or have some type of encounter with someone about a subject matter, and very soon after I will come across a man/woman of God who will confirm everything I expressed. It happens often from writing these entries. And I’m not talking about light stuff or one-size-fits-all stuff, but I’m talking verbatim.

Anyway, so Friday I was having a deep conversation with my colleague and on Friday night my pastor confirmed everything we discussed. It amazes me every time. I can’t even tell you how she and I got into this deep discussion, but that doesn’t even matter. Cause I know it was ordained by God. She actually sits right next to me and so by it being a really laid back Friday, although we were both extremely busy as I was coming back from the bathroom I peaked in her office to chat.

Again, I don’t know how the conversation originated but it ended up being about a personal situation she’s going through. My colleague is a new convert. She’s always acknowledged God and believed that Jesus exists, but just recently she officially gave her life to Christ and so things are starting to change for her. She’s changed. And its evident. Almost scary. I knew the other her. A run-her-mouth type of chick. A couple of years ago we argued so bad that I was up in her face about to knock her out. Our other colleagues had to come in between us. That day I had to take one for the team cause a couple of us were fed up with her. But that’s another entry. And was years ago. Since then…..well we both found Jesus. Or should I say……He found us!!! Our relationship has always been professional even when our personalities crossed, but now there is a Spiritual connection and we have come in agreement with one another to tackle some of the demons that are floating around in our workplace.

So I stopped in her office and she told me that she had gone to lunch with her childhood girlfriend and came back real hurt. She said she and her girlfriend were having a discussion about one of their other girlfriends who my colleague said that the other girlfriend told her that since she became “saved” she doesn’t have an interest in their friendship anymore. So my colleague was expressing this to her girlfriend over lunch and so she told her girlfriend that you know…..she can’t just cut off talking about Jesus cause she’s had a personal encounter with Him and knows that He is indeed real. She also told her that she doesn’t understand why their other girlfriend doesn’t accept her for who God is making her to be. But then this girlfriend dropped a bombshell on her. She told her…… “well to be quite honest with you I don’t believe that you have to have Jesus in order to have a relationship with God either.”

My colleague, who is a people person by heart, was expressing this to me and was quite hurt. I could hear it in her voice and saw it on her face. And so she was expressing to me that being a new convert she doesn’t know how to respond. Of course her pastor could give her scriptures to give them, but when one has cut off circulation to Christ the Word is not gonna go but so far. Talk about the Word, my colleague said that on a couple of her recent emails to her mass recipients she ended with “Jesus is Lord” or “Praying for you all”, or even quoted a scripture. And she said a couple of folk took offense to it. Some were offended and responded jokingly, but others took it to the extreme. She said that one of her husband’s friends backed out on a group trip and later told them that it was because he wasn’t trying to hear about Jesus. Wow.

So my colleague was hurt and baffled to say the least. And so she was looking to me for understanding, and I was stuck. I mean, I ain’t never come across associates who said they didn’t believe in Jesus. I mean, most of my issues with folk on this Christian journey are those who claim to know Jesus, but ain’t living it. So when she asked my opinion…..I was a little stuck. I did, however, explain to her that she is now going through a sifting process. She and her husband both. They both have given their life to Christ and have decided that they, and their two boys, are gonna live for Christ. I so admire her now. Really I do. There’s such a radiance over her.

So I was a little stuck about how she should go about telling those who inquire why they indeed have to believe in Jesus to get to God. It’s basically that Oprah mental-bondage, spiritually-damaged, self-reliant crap. But then the Holy Spirit gave me an analogy to give her. The analogy worked so well because she absolutely luuuuvs her husband and two boys. She lives for them. And because it brought an answer down to her understanding in which she can pass on to others instead of trying to push scriptures that will not be understood or accepted. Now let me put a disclaimer out there before I get emails rebuking me. I know just the circle of folk who will---lol. THIS IS ONLY FOR ANALOGY PURPOSES. IN NO WAY CAN I RELATE ANYTHING OR ANYBODY TO THE SOVEREIGNTY OF GOD. HE IS……AND IS ONLY. AGAIN, THIS IS FOR ANALOGY PURPOSES ONLY. TO GET A POINT ACROSS. Lol. Gotta do that cause religious fanatics will start leaving me all kinds of weird messages.

Ok, here goes.

So I told my colleague to imagine that President Obama was God. For the last few years, since she saw this brilliant man on the political scene she has taken a liken to him. Cause he’s powerful. And he’s talking her language. However, she can only go by what she sees and hears on television…..cause she really doesn’t know him, know him. I mean…..he has her same characteristics and is pushing for the same change in which she’s agreeing with, but her relationship with him is a little distant. Cause she’s never personally met him. But she’s cool with the distance cause she has a connection. She feels his pain and power. And he’s showing it back to her. Through the media. But she has another connection that many others do not have. See, they both reside in the nations capitol. And so every now again she’ll get the benefit of seeing his motorcade ride down Pennsylvania Avenue and may get a glimpse at his face. She has a great chance at that. And it intrigues her loved ones who live afar. That she resides and works where Obama lives and works. Secretly, even if she doesn’t ever see him in person, its cool cause she’s gonna benefit in some type of way from the power of his position. Cause he told her she would. When she saw him on television. So there is a connection.

But then, as she’s going about her daily life “embracing change” she meets a man in the grocery store. At first she’s not interested. But when she accidentally looks into his eyes she feels a connection with this man. Cause he’s intriguing. It’s something about him that interests her. So they play peek-a-boo from aisle to aisle until finally the man will walk down her aisle and introduce himself. She’s looking into the man’s eyes and falling for him. Don’t know what it is…..he just go “it”. Over the next few months they get to know each other and during that course of getting to know each other, the guy reveals that his father is President Obama. Ok, you see where I’m going with this.

Ok, now since she has established a relationship with this guy, who by the way has asked her hand in marriage, she now gets to meet her father-in-law. Let’s just imagine that there are no Sasha and Malia---lol. Maybe Michelle, but no other children. Just the son. Cause that’s what dude told her. And she believes it. Cause the proof is there. LOL. So she gets to go to the White House, have good conversation with Obama, even hang out and play a game or two of one-on-one, or maybe a game of Scrabble. Personal time is unlimited. And situations behind closed doors she has access to. Any career hook-up she needs, she’s got it. Cause her in-laws got connections. She’s now flying on Airforce One, going to all the social and political events, having access to Michelle’s stylist, and even traveling to many nations with the Obamas. She’s walking the red carpets and being recognized as “the first daughter-in-law”. She’s getting ALL the benefits. She can actually walk up to the White House and get in. Cause there’s a relationship. They know her. Because of the relationship they’ve built…….through their son.

So they get married. And she’s enjoying the good life with her in-laws and they are loving on her. Cause she’s officially an Obama. Things aren’t PERFECT between her and her husband, but they’re not deal breakers. Every now and again a disagreement will ensue. Like any other relationship where you go running for answers and understanding. But then she starts listening to and taking advice from her girlfriends. And it starts to cause a rift in her marriage. She and her husband start to have real problems because of this. Her ego is big and she’s making a fool and mockery out of the relationship. Giving the Obama’s a bad name.

So she walks away from the marriage. Cause by this time she has come across enough “successful” folk in the circle that she has been in and so now she’s running her own celebrity image. And not really realizing she’s walking away from the marriage…..she walks away. And the husband lets her go. He has a talk with his father and have agreed to let her go. He turns her over to the life in which she’s indulging in. So there is a disconnect. No longer can she walk up to the White House and expect access. The relationship is broken.

For a while she still rides off of her “success” and image. Cause afterall, she’s still an Obama til futher notice. At least that’s the name she’s riding off of. But then it becomes a fallacy and she starts to realize that people ain’t buying her mess no more. And the access she used to have……oh that faded. Doors have indeed closed. The Obama circle is now rejecting her. Cause she messed up. And they understand the other side. She’s realizing that she messed up and so slowly but surely she begins to breakdown. Tearing off that pretentious image.

Then she realizes that she has made a mistake. And so she goes back to her husband and asks for forgiveness and they start to work things out. He accepts her back with open arms. Cause she loves her husband. And he loves her more. He, being led by a good father and good family man, sets some boundaries. He gives her da bid’ness, as my girlfriend “E” would say. He lays it down. In order for the relationship to work. They begin to rebuild. This time focusing on the relationship, not the image.

Just when she “gets it” and is living a life for she and her husband, as he had anticipated from the beginning, she finds out that she is pregnant. I wish I had time to talk about the seed, but that will have to be another entry. I’ve been studying it for the last few weeks. The SEED is deep. Spiritually, the seed is indeed the Holy Spirit. But this is where a lot of Christians miss it. The Holy Spirit can walk with you until you leave this earth, but its not until it is IN YOU that real change and fullness with the father will come. But the seed has to be watered in order for it to grow. For their to be a manifestation on earth, the seed has to be nurtured. Bottomline.

Back to the analogy……the son is born. A little Obama. And no matter how her life changes, if her husband dies and she remarries; she can move to the other side of the world, but there will always be a solid relationship with President Obama cause she’s raising his offspring. She’s carrying his heir. So the relationship can NEVER be cut off. She can have full access to the promises of the father because his son left his Holy Spirit, not just to walk with her, but to live within her. Anybody who knows the connection with a mother and her son can relate. I hear it ALL the time. There’s one thing to adopt a son and build a solid loving relationship to die for, but it takes it to a whole new dimension when a son is birthed through you. Umph.

Of course I went a in a little more detail in this entry with the analogy, but after I gave it to my colleague, she was in tears. She said……you’re right. That’s like my girlfriends telling me that while we are hanging out we can never talk about “my husband” (or my sons). But we can talk about his father. President Obama. She started laughing. We both started laughing and was saying again how everybody wants the benefits, but they ain’t trying to take the entire package. She kept looking at me like….I get it. I get it. The funny thing is that our conversation went so beyond the initial topic of having to go through Jesus to get to the father, but we actually started speaking about the Holy Spirit. A subject that a lot of church folk either don’t understand or don’t want to fully accept. I mean, its nice to have the Holy Spirit with me, but it’s a whole another experience to have the Holy Spirit live IN ME.

My pastor was telling us on Friday night that when folk doubt Christ and say that they can go to God without going through Christ we have to be firm and let them know that…… “I don’t know what god you’re referring to, but the God I serve is the God of the scriptures. The God of Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob. The everlasting God. The Lord of lords.” No need to argue for there have been made many gods on this earth, but on judgment day it will be revealed. Until then, walk in faith.

Before I left her office, my colleague looked at me and said……. “the sifting process, huh.” And I looked back and said…. “brace yourself sistah cause you bout to go through the fire, but trust me…….is just a refining process.”

Jesus said to him, “I am the way, the truth, and the life. No one comes to the Father except through Me.” --John 14:6

Do We Really?

2009-07-15T21:54:00.002-04:00

(Deep breath). Ok, I got sooo much running through my head that I know I’ll explode if I don’t release. You gotta bear with me cause this is one of those “where do I start” entries.

Ok, I know when the Lord is screaming at me cause I’ll get messages in threes. The final came just about 15 minutes ago as I was riding home. I was listening to Coco Brotha on 104.1FM and he was talking about JESUS. Not gospel music, not the newest artist, not the current church events……but JESUS. He was basically saying how Jesus came to earth to redeem us so that we could have direct access to God. And how the same power that Christ has is ours through the Holy Spirit. Then he talked about how we are going to be held accountable for not being obedient to the Word of God. He was saying a whole lot of stuff that was hitting my buttons, but then the question of the year rang loudly again in my ear---forget the thought that do folk really believe in the power of God, but the question is........do folk really believe that there is a God?????

The second message came this morning as I was having breakfast with one of my girlfriends. Let me just say this first……I assure you that I wasn’t eating--lol!!!! Some of yal know why I had to say this. Anyway……my girlfriend just came back from her first real missions trip out of the country. And when she called me to have breakfast with her she could hardly contain herself cause she needed to talk to me. I mean, everything she does is over the top so I knew she had some deep details of how great her trip was. So I dropped everything and ran out to have breakfast with her.

As soon as we could get to a discreet location she blurted out that while on her trip she had to repent. She kept saying to me, “Jill I had to repent. I had to repent." She first started off by telling me how bound and spiritually mal-nourished the folk there are. But then she said that she had to repent because there she was claiming to be a holy roller "woman of God" from the U.S. and she didn’t even have enough power in her to help deliver some of those folk. Off the subject for a moment….this reminds me of my study on the seed a couple of weeks ago. Anyway……my girlfriend started crying to me and said something that hit me in my gut. She said that if we are claiming to be Christians, but what is in us is not powerful enough to bring healing/deliverance/repentant hearts, then we need to check ourselves.

She told me about how a little boy got sick and fell nearly dead in the service. She said the boy’s eyes were rolling back in his head and the folk around him were giving up on him. Then she said the pastor had someone call an ambulance and while the ambulance was on the way he started collecting the offering. She said she was so vexed with herself and with the pastor that she went and asked him to stop---and she's real bold so I can just imagine how she approached him (lol)---so that they could pray over the little boy. She said she started praying with everything she had in her and slowly but surely the boy started coming around all the way until he testified and said that when he went down his body felt like somebody was squeezing him real tight. Ain’t a whole lot to this. And this ain’t uncommon. Folk are dropping dead daily cause something is squeezing the life out of them but yet we dismiss it as “it was his/her time to go.” So we’ll bury a soul in a heartbeat, right after having a huge homegoing service. You know how us Christians do. We'll have a marching band at the funeral to "celebrate life".

Then it hit me again. It went back to something that happened over the weekend. On Sunday, and I said I wasn’t gonna mention this one but it’s bubbling out of me. What the heck. But on Sunday I was sitting in church next to a young lady. And sitting next to her was a guy that goes to the church. I’m very familiar with both. Anyway, halfway through the service the young lady whispers to me and says….. “can you move down a seat because [such and such] just mouthed to me that I shouldn’t be sitting next to this guy cause he’s crazy.” I looked at dude and then at her in disbelief. To keep the peace I did move down one seat and she moved down next to me creating a gap between she and the guy. But I was PISSED. Yes, I said it…….PISSED.

Ok, I was partly pissed because I was surprised that “such and such” who holds a high position in the church would say something so immature and ungodly. But what made me mad was because her actions, and mine too now that I think about it, basically said that “the demon in dude is greater than the God in me”. That’s basically what “such and such” was inferring. So when my girlfriend said what she said this morning it just hit home cause she’s right. If a person who we claim needs help, healing, deliverance, empowerment, whatever is not changed while in our presence……then something is wrong with US. Bottomline.

Me and my sister have been having this conversation all year……do folk really believe that there is a God? Do folk really believe that Jesus is real? I mean, we talk a good game. And we sing a good song. But I truly believe that a lot of folk say they believe in God only because stuff they can’t control they have to have some type of explanation for. Then there are some that are going with the flow in believing in a higher power because it’s the right thing to do. And then there are those who are conditioned by their ancestors to believe in God. And then there's the mass majority who are caught up in what God has in His hands for them.

But I say this…..if you REALLY believe in God then you will obey His Word. Not just read it, memorize it, and quote it. But LIVE IT. Bottomline. Us church folk are so caught up in self-righteousness and having our images fixed to being “a man/woman of God” that we are forgetting that we have been commissioned to serve, not be served. I'll say this over and over again......we have been commissioned to do two things on this earth: love our brethren and spread the gospel. And both are tasks of serving. As Coco Brotha said….it could be something as simple as telling a colleague that Jesus is Lord. But a lot of us can’t even say it. Some of us are too embarrassed to mention that we are Christians. Cause bottomline we don’t really believe.

As my girlfriend expressed……..I too need to repent. Lord, I repent. Not for something I did or said, but because of something that I’m not doing. And that is walking in Your FULLNESS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

The disciples went and woke him, saying, “Master, Master, we're going to drown!” He got up and rebuked the wind and the raging waters; the storm subsided, and all was calm. “Where is your faith?” he asked his disciples. In fear and amazement they asked one another, “Who is this? He commands even the winds and the water, and they obey him.” --Luke 8:24-25

“If you love me, you will obey what I command.” --John 14:15

Joy in the Morning

2009-07-13T17:41:00.003-04:00

Wow!! Gotta pinch myself cause I can’t believe I did it. And liked it.

Ok, so for the last month or so I’ve been really trying to re-organize my time—just really trying to make the most out of my day in the best way possible. If you haven’t read in my entries…..my day is unnecessarily hectic because I don’t get home til close to 9pm every night. Yes, getting home at this hour seems doable for a single woman---as I am---but it leaves very little room to do things in the evenings like have a quality “date night”, do the catch-up with girlfriends over dinner, or even do a little shopping at the local malls. Sooo, these social necessities have been allotted to the leftover time on the weekends, after spending time with the family, church activities, and my mandatory “me” time. No, no, no…..my Sunday afternoons are for ME, and me only---lol.

Over the last few weeks, I’ve been screaming……. “something’s gotta give”!!!! I could no longer continue to pile all of my non-work activities on Saturday. It was driving me crazy and making me feel like I had no weekend. From grocery shopping, to washing the car, to personal grooming, to real estate activities, to social functions, to quality time with family and friends, whatever……all on Saturday. It had gotten to the point where I’d get cross-eyed when I was invited to something. Can’t do it. And don’t want to do it.

Cause first, on Saturdays I ain’t getting out the bed before 9:30am. That’s my only day to sleep in and to be honest…..it’s gotta be a darn good reason to even get me out the house before noon. Its nothing for me to get home well after midnight on Saturday evenings, but don’t touch my Saturday mornings.

And second, if it’s raining……oh chances are I won’t show up to nothing--lol. And I hate to commit myself to something and not follow through on plans. So more than likely I’ll show up late or grouchy or plan to leave early if it’s rainy and dreary out. I know….I got issues--lol.

So for a long time, and I mean years, I couldn’t figure out why I’d get to work on Monday mornings and hear about other people’s exciting and eventful weekend, and be baffled. I mean, how can you really plan something exciting in 2 days???? The only 2 days we have off from work. I mean, really. Ok, me and [my friend] have "date night" over the phone on Friday nights cause we’re both extremely exhausted from the work week. And he has to try to stay awake long enough for me to get home and wind down---usually after10pm. Saturdays are the catch-all days, and my Sundays are MY days after church. So I just couldn’t understand how people have time to do much of anything on weekends, especially those with children.

I guess this is the perfect time to insert one of my favorite quotes…… “a natural pattern will show in detail what the Spiritual reality consists of.” LOL

(Deep breath). He’ll get a kick out of me saying that he is right about something. But I gotta give him his props…..he’s so right. [My friend] has tried to convince me forever that the morning is the best time to get stuff done. By the time I get up on weekday mornings he has already showered, shaved, dressed, had coffee and read the paper. Many mornings he’ll brag that he’s been up since 5am-ish preparing for a meeting or something. I laugh with a……whatever. I think he’d given up on some good quality conversation with me in the mornings. Cause he knows he won’t get a decent response from me until after 10:00a. After I’ve had time to scope of the office premises, and have my tea. This irritates him---lol.

Sooooo, I had run out of choices. The only way to make the most out of my day was to stretch it at the beginning instead of abusing it at the end. You know…for peace sake--lol. For the last year, I’ve been working out at my office gym. It’s small and quaint, but does the job---I guess. And its convenient. But the problem is that I don’t usually finish working til close to 6pm-ish, which didn’t put me on the machines til well after 6pm. After a good two hour workout that calculates to getting home at 8:45p-ish.

Before they installed the gym at work, I made good use of my 20-year Bally's membership. The major downfall to that was getting home after 7:30p from work, driving all the way to Germantown to the nearest Bally’s and after a good two-hour workout…..uuuum, back home at almost 10p. So working out at the office made so much better use of my time. At least that’s what I thought.

Sooo, a couple of weeks ago I decided to look for a gym closest to my house in which I could get in a good morning workout and still have time to get into the office by 9:30a. I knew it made more economical sense to utilize the free office gym while continuing to maintain my $6 a month membership at Bally’s on the weekends, but it has gotten to the point where managing my time is just as important as managing my finances.

Let me tell you how God works.

A couple of weeks ago I got a coupon in the mail for a new “no nonsense” gym that has just been built…..uuuuuuh one minute and 30 seconds from my house. No lie……it’s a quarter of a song away. Convenience---CHECK. So I go to the gym about a week or so ago to check it out and me and the trainer hit it off immediately. Not only did he give me a power workout routine that will only take 45 minutes, but he also hooked it up where I only pay $29 a month with no contract and no down payment. I was like…… “this is too good to be true”.

So after meeting with dude, I got home and looked at all brochures of the classes, state-of-the-art equipment, the facility's amenities, AND they’re open from 5am-11pm…..I was sooo excited. I mean, even if I wanted to come home in the evening and chill for a while, I could still go and get a quick 45 minute workout and be home in time to make my phone calls. But I decided to do something a little different. I said……. “I’ma try to workout in the mornings.” Yep, I had it all mentally planned that I was gonna get up at 5:15a, and be on the machine by 5:30a. Then last week I got sick. And now I understand why. The devil was pissed.

But I can’t be defeated. Not when I make my mind up about something. So this morning I got up bright and early at 5:10a. I threw on my gym clothes, brushed my teeth, pulled my hair back in a ponytail, made a protein shake, grabbed my keys and phone, and was pulling up in the gym parking lot by 5:27a. When I got there it was LIVE. So many people were there getting their workout on. I couldn’t believe it. It was just a burst of energy in the air. I’m telling you…..I worked out til I was drenched. I felt like I had put in a full day. When I was leaving out I looked up at the clock and it said…..6:22a. I couldn’t believe it. I usually don’t get out the bed til 7am!!! Shhhhhhh. But I had sooo much vigor. I even got to work a little earlier.

You know, the Bible talks a lot about the morning time. One of my favorite books is Good Morning, Holy Spirit by Benny Hinn. I read it years ago, but I remember it speaking about the morning time. I’ve gotta repent, because I’ve taken advantage of the morning time. The morning is such a precious time. It’s when I hear God speak to me. Even when I’m groggy and in my last dream before I awake. But the morning is the most powerful time of the day. And it took this morning to fully realize it.

When I left the gym there was a freshness in the air. Like I made an impact and was productive, but hadn’t really started yet. It was a weird feeling. But I welcomed it. And I liked it. I like it. And I like the fact that I have my entire evening ahead of me to do WHATEVER I want to do. But I think I want to catch the kickboxing class at 7:30p. So I’m outta here. PEACE!!!

In the morning, O LORD, you hear my voice; in the morning I lay my requests before you and wait in expectation. –Psalm 5:3

Pressing Forward

2009-07-11T22:28:00.001-04:00

Ok, I’ve been seriously knocked down, but not knocked out. Last Sunday, I think it was last Sunday, I started feeling under the weather. By Monday, I couldn’t make it to work so I tried to get a doctor’s appointment, but ended up in the emergency room. Tuesday, I couldn’t get out of the bed. Wednesday, I was determined to go to work since I have pressing deadlines, but even with all my will and determination I could only last half day. Thursday I was just about under the bed. Everything was hurting.

But something happened Thursday night. I got a huge burst of energy, jumped out the bed and started taking care of some things that I had neglected for days. I had so much energy. And so while I made good use of my energy, I also mentally planned my work day on Friday. I was wired. But then I couldn’t fall asleep. In fact, I didn’t end up falling asleep until 5:30a on Friday morning, the time in which I should have been getting up to pray.

Needless to say, I didn’t make it in to work on Friday either. I had fell back into exhaustion. I started coughing hysterically again and my body got used to being back in the bed. I was all messed up. But even with all the weirdness going on with my body I was determined to go to the grocery store, get my car waxed, and make it to prayer service Friday night. I managed to do all, but by the time I got in Friday night I was worn out.

This morning, it was my plan to go to the gym and have a good workout, followed by some relaxation in the steam room. Didn’t happen. In fact, I couldn’t even get myself out the bed to get something to drink. Just drained. I missed umpteen phone calls cause I couldn’t seem to wake-up. Just groggy. But by 5pm-ish, I jumped up out of the bed and declared….. “I’m tired of not living!!!!!”

I had to stop and think. This was the first week in two years that I hadn’t made it to the gym. This was the first week in a year that I hadn’t written in my blog. And this was the FIRST week in 9 years that I missed an entire week of work being sick. Even after having surgery, I made it back to work in 3 days. Then I heard the Spirit speaking that satan is trying to take me out by attacking my body. Usually, that’s how he operates. He takes your body down and then your mind. And once the two are in cohorts then he got you. I’ve noticed that after Wednesday, my mind started speaking louder than my body. I guess I scared him on Thursday night when I jumped out of bed, so he tried a little harder. But he knows he has to wake up real early to defeat me.

I seriously believe that this is one of the best ways to defeat folk. By getting us confined to the house. Being a prisoner in our own home. I know a girl who hasn’t worked in years and even when she does get a job she can’t keep it. She continuously complain about sickness and illness, but nothing seems to really be wrong. If you go to her house it is a pure dump, stuff everywhere. She complains that she’s too “sick” to clean up. I used to think it was a cop out, but being on my back this week I realized that its not. It is an illness in the mind that manifests to the body. It’s purpose is to destroy. To take you out. That’s how I felt this week. Like satan wanted to take me down. Not so much to a grave death, but a living death. Just unproductive. Not doing nothing.

This evening I got up. At one point I felt like it, at another I didn’t. But I could no longer listen to the negative thing in my ear that said “rest”. I’ve rested long enough. I’m tired of lying in the bed with life passing me by. I’ve missed 7 whole days and it feels like a lifetime. I managed to wash my hair, fold the 4 baskets of clothes that I’ve neglected, clean the bathroom, and get myself prepared for church tomorrow. My mind and my body are pissed at me, but my Spirit is saying…… “this is my child and I got purpose for her”.

I’m realizing that pressing forward is not about a feeling cause we’ll never “feel” like doing anything. But its about putting faith into action. It's about taking up the bed and walking. Pressing forward.

We want each of you to show this same diligence to the very end, in order to make your hope sure. We do not want you to become lazy, but to imitate those who through faith and patience inherit what has been promised. --Hebrews 6:11-12